My Story...

[livingstone 137]

So, I just had my blood tests and MRSA swabs in advance of surgery next week (1^st March) and decided that I would detail my journey here. Partly because I want to remember to come back on here when things get tough and I need a reminder of why I am doing this, and partly because I want to have a record of what I’m doing anyway, and I figure that having one that others can read, contribute to and, maybe, learn from (if I ever get to the point of having any lessons to teach) is as good a way as any.

So, my background…

I’m 29, living in London. I’ve always been overweight, ever since I was a kid, but my weight has fluctuated a lot. Generally, when I move to a new place, it falls, until I discover all the good places to eat, when it rises again. About five years ago I managed to get down to about 200lbs, but since then have crept steadily up and now I am about 290lbs.

I think as I get a bit older, I’m realising a bit more the impact my weight is having on me. Over the last couple of years – walking has become more of a chore, for the first time, tying a seatbelt on an airplane has become a problem, I feel less and less energy and more strain on my joints. And I simply don’t want that to get worse. I haven’t felt any motivation to lose weight since that last time in 2009, and I had to admit to myself that I never will be able to do this on my own.

So I have a choice.

Continue to put on weight. Face into my thirtieth birthday at nearly 300lbs, maybe my 35^th at 400lbs – who knows. And continue to see my body become more and more unable to cope.

Or I stop. I take action, accept that I’m not going to be able to do it alone and take measures that will force me into a position of being healthier.

It’s also driven by the fact that I want to have kids. As I’m gay, the most likely way for that is to adopt, but I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be approved as an adopter at my current weight. And even if I was, I don’t think I could be a good dad as I just wouldn’t have the energy to be rolling around playing with a kid and giving them the attention they deserve.

I decided to self-fund for the operation. I have been diagnosed with sleep Apnoea (in December) through the NHS, and since that’s technically a comorbidity, my GP did say that I could be put on the NHS waiting list. But faced with a wait of two years or more, I decided it would be better to just get it done privately. So I met with my surgeon, Ameet Patel, before Christmas. I had hoped to have it done before Christmas, but I was due to start a new job on the 12^th, and he said that if I had the operation on the 3^rd or 4^th January, he wouldn’t recommend me going to work on the 12^th. So I decided to wait until Easter when I could take some time off work.

As it turned out, there were no available dates at Easter, and leaving it later brings me too close to a trip I have planned at the end of May. So I ended up plumping for 1^st March.

I’ve had no pre-op diet to follow, so I’ve probably been a bit naughty in what I’ve been eating since I found out my date. I know I shouldn’t but I have been seeing these last weeks as an opportunity for one last hurrah with food.< /p>

Biggest Fears

I was sent my consent form in the post, and seeing the risks in black and white terrified me – especially where it just bluntly lists ‘Death’ as a risk. Even though I’ve talked them through with Dr Patel, and even though I know the risks are very low, they feel very real now.

I’ve started to think about things I need to do in case the worst happens, and again, I know it’s a very low risk, but my family live in a different country, so I’m making sure my partner has their number in case he needs to call them etc. The reality of that is kinda scary.

I’m also scared of complications – and not knowing whether pain is normal or a sign of something more serious.

But my biggest fear is that I just won’t be able to be happy when I can’t eat what I want to. I keep telling myself that being able to go shopping for clothes or go for a run or exercise without wanting to collapse will all make up for any feeling of deprivation – and that I won’t feel that deprived because I just won’t have the same appetite that I have now. But it is probably my biggest fear that I will spend the rest of my life regretting what I’ve done.

To combat that I just keep reminding myself that the price of having that total freedom to eat what I want is looking and feeling like I do now – I plan to keep a photo diary of my journey to remind myself that however much I regret not being able to eat what I want when I want, it will be nothing compared to the regret I would have if I had the opportunity to get healthy but turned it down.

My Hopes

This is the bit that keeps me going.

My main hope – what I desperately hope – is that the tales I’ve heard of your tastes changing are true. I would dearly love to wake up from the operation and be revolted by the foods I used to love and suddenly find love for the foods I used to hate. If only I could like vegetables and low fat foods more! My biggest hope is that my tastes will change, so that when I can’t pig out on chips it won’t matter to me because I don’t want to pig out on chips.

The same applies – big time – to Diet Coke. I’ve never been one for full fat soft drinks, I find them syrupy. But I love diet coke, and I am really dreading not being able to have it. If I could wake up and not desire it, that would be super. I’m not claiming these hopes are realistic.

More generally – like everyone – I hope this works. My thirtieth birthday is in October and I have a vision of how I will look and feel for it. I hope that vision becomes a reality.

I also hope that my relationship withstands the change. My partner has been incredibly supportive. I think one of the reasons I put on weight is that he loved me and found me attractive when we first met and I was overweight (but still, I was only about 200lbs) – I think my mind went ‘yay, you found someone who’s attracted to you even when you’re fat…eat away’. But my weight gain has made me feel less attractive and so has impacted on our relationship. As I say, he’s been really supportive and I just hope that the changes don’t result in any changes to how either of us feels about the other.

So, having rattled on for too long, let the journey begin…

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

As you read these forums you will find your heartfelt fears are shared by many. I would encourage you to look at the big picture questions. Example, you will likely be unhappy not being able to turn to food for comfort.. do you welcome that big "upset" because you want to change? I liken it to the "bad boyfriend" who really gives you nothing in exchange for your devotion...but isn't so easy to walk away from.

I am older and by the time I had my surgery I was so "over" food as a friend (lying, false friend) but it wasn't always easy..old habits fight back on their way out the door. Through the process I discovered it was easier for me to give up overeating than it was to give up obesity. Interesting..I NEVER expected THAT! I think this is why I went through more turmoil after goal than before.

I am 3 years from surgery been maintaining my transformed body for two years now...it is so worth it but the real journey is much bigger than weight loss.

[Surfincybersis 0]

Hello, I am just beginning the process to have a Gastric Sleeve done. I received some disturbing news on my liver. 70% fibrosis. On the very edge of cirrhosis . Liver is functioning normally. I have to stop the fibrosis from going forward. I see my Family Doctor on March 9th, to discuss this matter. First seminar will be Feb 23rd 2015. I have already lost nearly 40 pounds. I will have to lose 110 more. Surfincybersis

[livingstone 137]

So I've started to think about what to set as my goal weight. I'm 5' 8" and 292 lbs, aged 29.

Using a healthy BMI scale, the highest end of my 'healthy' weight would be 165lbs. I think I'm going to set 160lbs as my ultimate goal - which would leave me a bit of wriggle room if I was to gain again.

That leaves me with a target weight loss of 132lbs.

Terrifying.

[ai1992 53]

Hi there! My father, myself, and my mom all got the sleeve. When you wake up from surgery it will be different. I thought I would miss eating the volume of food I used to eat- but I don't feel that way. Its different. Since our stomach is so much smaller from surgery... you just feel full. You instantly know. That's the only way I can describe it. Before, I could eat and eat and eat before feeling full. But now you just know. You just reach that point and you will not continue eating- trust me. It'll almost be painful If you do continue to try eating. You can still splurge! It's really hard to eat much in the beginning in all honesty. You truly won't have an appetite and the first few weeks suck a bit. But a month down the road when you can start eating normal food again? Life will be awesome. I promise. Good luck to you!

[livingstone 137]

Hi all - so last night I made the final payment for my surgery. £4000 for my two night hospital stay, and £3500 for my surgeon and anaethesist's fees. This really made things feel quite final and definite.

No turning back now. My surgeon didn't ask me to do any pre-op diet. So I think whereas other people realise its real when they start that, for me, actually making payment has made me realise that this is happening. And I can't describe this weird mix of fear and excitement.

I'm making a list of things that I need to get and do before surgery -

-need to buy some tracksuit bottoms to wear to and from hospital - I'd rather avoid jeans...

-need to get Hibiscrub, which I've been advised to shower with for two days before surgery to reduce the chance of infection.

-I need to figure out what I'm going to be 'eating' after surgery and so make sure I have enough bottled Water, sugar free cordial and ingredients for Soups

-I want to download enough movies and music to keep me sane while I'm in hospital and recovering. I know I'll probably be asleep a lot, but when I'm not I want to use it a chance to enjoy some box sets in between sleeps, sips and walks.

The bit that is really simple but I don't want to do is to give give my mum's number to my partner and vice versa. In theory it is so that when I'm out of surgery and all fine, my partner can send my mum a text and let her know it's all OK. But there is a little bit of me (however irrational) that is scared that he'll have to use it to tell her that something's gone wrong.

But yes - in 72 hours I will, hopefully, be sleeved and recovering. Fingers crossed.

[livingstone 137]

Today the fear is really setting in. Up to now I've been really excited, and have loved reading all the success stories on here. But now I'm worried that I'm not prepared and that I won't be able to handle all the changes coming down the track.

Bizarrely, one of the things I'm going to miss is quenching my thirty by gulping ice cold Water. I drink lots of Diet Coke (and I know I will struggle with that) and I know I will struggle with all of the things I like to eat but won't be able to in the future. But I can rationalise all of that because I know it's unhealthy.

But the water! It's healthy. It feels natural. And it feels so good to come in after a warm day and just chug a big pint of ice cold Water. I'm not looking forward to not being able to do that. And i can't even rationalise it by telling myself that drinking water is unhealthy.

It's only a little thing and certainly not something that I'd cancel my surgery for - but I think its just a symbol of the little things.

[bikrchk 1,313]

Did my tastes change? Not so much. I like and eat what I did before surgery, just A LOT LESS of it! Diet Coke? Errr. NO. Not good in the tiny tummy. I HAVE kicked the soda habit, and it was quite a habit!! If I binge on sugar\fat, I'll dump in a very painful way, but I REALLY have to over do it for that to happen. Butter on my popcorn, all good, 5 frosted home made sugar Cookies over the course of an afternoon\evening? NEVER again! NOT WORTH IT! And it's exactly what I needed to get control.

As for the fear, I finally decided I was more afraid of continuing down the path I was on than I was about having 90% of my stomach removed. That sounds extreme doesn't it? But honestly, it's been FINE. After the initial recovery period, which was uneventful, I learned a new "normal" that included getting my Protein, (yes, I still do supplements), Vitamins, and regular exercise and learning not to over eat. It HURTS to over eat now and it's just not worth it! You won't be successful if you make zero changes. I've just found a way to make the changes I've made "manageable".

[livingstone 137]

Thanks everyone. So, I need to be in the hospital in about eight hours. I decided to take my final measurements and weight tonight because I'll have enough to think about in the morning.

So my official pre-surgery weight is 292lbs, my BMI is 44 and my body fat percentage is 48%.

I am really excited to begin a new journey, and I think I am ready (but apprehensive) about the changes I'm about to make. I have a lot of nervousness around the procedure itself - I've not had surgery or general anaesthetic before, so I am looking forward to being done with all of that.

In a strange way I'm looking forward to this surgery being in the past rather than the future. When it's in the past, all the doubt will be pointless - I'm pretty good at just making the best of a bad situation most of the time, so I know that once I have it, even if it's tough, I'll just get on with it and make it work.

In an odd sort of way, this mix of feelings is a bit like a first date with someone you really really like - lots of excitement mixed with nervousness and fear in a weird mix.

Hopefully I'll see you all on the other side to tell my surgery story

[Vikingsfan8178 62]

best of luck

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am sure by now you are in recovery mode. For some people the early weeks are hard....don't let it get you down, focus on hydration...it gets easier.

[livingstone 137]

I am sure by now you are in recovery mode. For some people the early weeks are hard....don't let it get you down, focus on hydration...it gets easier.

Thanks Cowgirl. I was sleeved on 1 March and discharged from hospital yesterday. There was some bleeding which meant I was kept in an extra two nights.

You're right - it is tough. I've even spent some time regretting getting the surgery. I have to keep telling myself that this wasn't a choice between surgery and continuing to eat all the things I like, it was a choice between surgery and a lifetime of increasing obesity. When I think of it objectively, I know I've done what I needed to do. But it is harder than I imagined.

What surprised me was how emotional I was. One evening in hospital the thought of my partner just set me off crying. I pulled myself together before he arrived to visit but as soon as I saw him I just burst into tears again. Utterly bizarre.

I'm feeling better now that I'm out of hospital - in hospital it felt like all I had to think about was food and what I couldn't eat. But there are more distractions in the real world. My discomfort is easing, but it's still taking me time to walk about and I can't stay on my feet for too long without getting pain in my incisions. I'm trying to stay off painkillers though, except at night.

The other upside of coming out of hospital is more freedom over what I eat and drink. I got to the point that I was utterly sick of Water in hospital, so coming out and having sugar-free squash and drinking yoghurt has been nice. But I still haven't fully figured out my liquid diet so I actually find myself getting quite hungry - I've decided to fix that though by being strict about having a Breakfast, lunch and dinner - even if they are all liquids. With the exception of some Soup, I've not focused on Protein yet, which I assume is why I am feeling some hunger pangs.

All in all, this has been tougher than I imagined. I am hoping that once my discomfort goes away and I am fully mobile, I'll be a bit happier. I'm also hoping that I can just get through the liquids and purees stage and keep reminding myself that this is just a few months before I can go back to eating normal foods (just less of them).

[sleslie771@ymail.com 0]

I started a new job last May of 2014. The woman I trained with informed me of her sleeve surgery She previously had and she looked amazing. I was intrigued. In July I went to a seminar and was more intrigued. I began my research over the next few months and made my final decision to have the surgery. I spoke with my Dr. Went thru all the pre-op testing. When I received my approval from my insurance company the fear set in. Will I wake up from surgery. It weighed on me so much I came close several times to call it off. No one knew of my surgery except my husband, children and my co-worker. I didn't want anyone attempting to talk me out of it. On 2/10/15 I had my surgery at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC with Dr. Edward Yatco with my husband by my side. Discharged 2/12 it has been a ride. I constantly have a full feeling. Like something is sitting on my chest. Heart burn and gas are my biggest issues but I have no regrets. My goal is to get my Protein in which is difficult and find some energy to exercise..

[livingstone 137]

So it's one week out from my surgery and boy has this been tough. I have a lot of head hunger - I struggle to get Water in not because its painful but because I have no desire for it, even though I know I'm not fully hydrated. I'm also not getting enough Protein yet - I'm taking fortified milk and a few table spoons of Soup each day. This is a bizarre feeling of constantly feeling hungry (I've been told this is acid, but my acid meds don't seem to be reducing it), having no physical desire to eat but also wanting to eat all of the bad things I used to eat.

The good news is that I'm down 14lbs in the first week. I haven't done any measurements but I also feel like I've lost some inches - my belly and face feel smaller.

I still have some discomfort - I stopped my pain meds on Thursday because I don't have any pain as such. But the discomfort is really depressing me. I can't sleep on my side, I can't cuddle (much less anything else) my other half, going out is a chore. This is really getting me down. I want to be back to my normal life, and the thought of not having going to back to my normal life is depressing.

I'm also worried about the affect this will have on my relationship. My OH has been amazingly supportive, and this has really made me realise how much I love him. But I am worried that he's having to live with this depressed, incapacitated zombie who is sad and miserable and obsessed with fluids, Proteins etc. He's been really reassuring by promising me that this this all temporary and will be worth it in the end. I genuinely couldn't wish for someone more supportive - but I feel so guilty about what he's having to live with.

Sorry for moaning - I planned to make this my outlet and that's what I'm using it for. This is so tough. And even though I can envisage a time in a few months when this will all be OK, that feels very far away (and time is moving very slowly) so right now it is one of the hardest and most depressing things I've ever done. I really really hope things get better soon.

[Lrckey0610 39]

@@livingstone I share your thoughts and fears to a tee. I'm 5 days post op. I know we'll get through this. Hard to see the forest through the trees right now because it feels so far away. Every day just ticks away so slowly. I realize how much my life and happiness has revolved around food now. I miss my old friend and I grieve it.