The guilt of not telling

[Slimsoon1988 123]

The guilt of not telling my grandma is really getting to me. My mom passed away 2 years ago and we are basically all the family we got. My grandma has health issues of her own and I do not want to burden her with this surgery. My surgery is next week Wednesday, we talk every other day and as my surgery gets closer the guilt grows. We just talked on the phone and she sensed something was wrong, she kept asking what's the problem, and of course I said oh nothing. I really don't want to tell her because I know she wouldn't agree with it and will worry herself sick over me. I just had a full meltdown. I just don't want anything to happen to me in surgery. Ugh

[ProjectMe 909]

This is tough. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm just going to tell you that I understand and sympathize with you about this particular predicament. I chose not to tell my dad about this surgery, He knew about all of the others, but something told me to keep this one to myself. A big part of it was that my parents are getting older and I didn't want to add onto their stress levels. The other part was completely selfish as my dad has a tendency to be judgemental and I honestly didn't want to hear his opinion. Now that I am 9 weeks Post Op, I feel better about my decision everyday. Maybe you will too.

[Slimsoon1988 123]

This is tough. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm just going to tell you that I understand and sympathize with you about this particular predicament. I chose not to tell my dad about this surgery, He knew about all of the others, but something told me to keep this one to myself. A big part of it was that my parents are getting older and I didn't want to add onto their stress levels. The other part was completely selfish as my dad has a tendency to be judgemental and I honestly didn't want to hear his opinion. Now that I am 9 weeks Post Op, I feel better about my decision everyday. Maybe you will too.

Yes I hope to have an uncomplicated surgery, that would help.. Have you eaten around your dad yet? Or has he seen you and commented on your weight loss?

[ProjectMe 909]

Yes I hope to have an uncomplicated surgery, that would help.. Have you eaten around your dad yet? Or has he seen you and commented on your weight loss?

He lives in a different state, so no he hasn't seen me eat. I have told him how much weight Ive lost and he told me congratulations. He asked how I lost the weight and I said by following a high protein/low carb diet with lots of exercise. Then the conversation shifted to something else. About the eating thing...I've noticed that people don't notice what I'm eating. I tend to be last when getting my food and because it takes me so long to eat a few ounces, I tend to finish when they are finishing.

[Elizabeth21 176]

I had this problem with my mother. I told her I was having hernia repair surgery. Once she notices weight loss I will tell her I'm on a high protein/low carb diet and exercising.

Don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Taking care includes your emotional wellness. If you feel complete honesty will simply stir up conflict, as it would for me, then you absolutely have the right to keep this choice to yourself.

Good luck!

[Elizabeth21 176]

Yes I hope to have an uncomplicated surgery, that would help.. Have you eaten around your dad yet? Or has he seen you and commented on your weight loss?

I have eaten around my Mom even before I could have solids. I was ready to simply tell her that my stomach was upset from post surgery meds, but she never asked me anything. When I do eat around her I keep the conversation going and she pays less attention to the food. Of course having dieted several times in my life, telling her I'm on a diet will not even hit her as unusual. Hang in there!

Edited February 19, 2015 by Elizabeth21

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

In situations like this, I've noticed that if I'm "leaking" information (like it sounds like you were on the phone with your grandma) that I'm trying to get my own needs met while being a bit passive-aggressive about it.

I'd say be very honest with yourself about why you are agonizing over this and whose needs are greater here (no judgment at all): yours or hers. Your analysis could go either way. But don't lie to yourself -- just tell yourself the truth.

Best wishes.

Edited February 19, 2015 by VSGAnn2014

[mclorrie 219]

As the old saying goes - "some things are better off left unsaid"

It's understandable why you wouldn't want to tell your grandmother. Sending you well wishes, and a speedy recovery!!

[Slimsoon1988 123]

My grandma called me today and told me last night I sounded sad and it made her upset the whole night. She asked me to try to sound happy when I talk to her because it makes her sad and worried.. That solidified my decision in not telling her! I feel better about my decision now.