HELP-Family don't want me to succeed

[Bamalama 0]

A am so depressed I could just scream. I am scheduled to be banded on June 27th. Happes to be by 29 year old sons birthday. Boy is he laying on the guilt trip! my daughter in law "don't even want to discuss it". I think the main problem is I am doing something for ME for a change instead of everyone else! How dare I??? I think because I have cancer and it is not curable they think why bother. And I am self pay to make it even worse, so you know they are really upset over me borrowing the money:eek: I take 12 pills a day and 2 shots a day for diabeties, blood pressure etc. I want this for me. I want to get off some of these meds and be able to fight when the bone marrow transplant comes up. I feel guilty for borrowing the money, guilty for thinking of me, guilty for missing my sons birthday...... So what do I do????? Tell them to get a life or what????????????:faint:Please tell me there are some of you that have gotten off your meds. How many of you have literally had to fight your own family?

[Chickie 15]

Tell them to get a life.

Just because you have cancer is no reason for you not to have the best possible quality of life you can. And if you feel that losing weight at this stage will add to your quality of life, go for it.

Good luck!

[Bamalama 0]

Thanks Chickie. I really enjoy reading some of your posts! You help all of us newbies and band wanna bees out a lot!

[SElaine 3]

A am so depressed I could just scream. I am scheduled to be banded on June 27th. Happes to be by 29 year old sons birthday. Boy is he laying on the guilt trip! my daughter in law "don't even want to discuss it". I think the main problem is I am doing something for ME for a change instead of everyone else! How dare I??? I think because I have cancer and it is not curable they think why bother. And I am self pay to make it even worse, so you know they are really upset over me borrowing the money:eek: I take 12 pills a day and 2 shots a day for diabeties, blood pressure etc. I want this for me. I want to get off some of these meds and be able to fight when the bone marrow transplant comes up. I feel guilty for borrowing the money, guilty for thinking of me, guilty for missing my sons birthday...... So what do I do????? Tell them to get a life or what????????????:faint:Please tell me there are some of you that have gotten off your meds. How many of you have literally had to fight your own family?

This is your body, YOUR decision. You have the right to the life you want and deserve. Your son is 29. He should be an adult. You are not living your life for him or for his spouse. You did your job with him and not it's your turn to concentrate on YOU. They are the ones that should feel guilty for not supporting you through such an emotionally and physically demanding time.

Are you a part of a local support group? If not, I would check through your surgeon and check the local boards to see if there is one in your area and get involved. Surround yourself with people who care and can be supportive.

I am here for you. Good luck. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shauna

[keiko 1]

A am so depressed I could just scream. I am scheduled to be banded on June 27th. Happes to be by 29 year old sons birthday. Boy is he laying on the guilt trip! my daughter in law "don't even want to discuss it". I think the main problem is I am doing something for ME for a change instead of everyone else! How dare I???

How many of you have literally had to fight your own family?

Hi Bamalama,

When I told my 30 year old son about my surgery he got p.o.'d because I wouldn't be able to help him move to his first house! He wanted to know why I couldn't change the surgery date! When my husband heard what my son had said he had a fit, and said don't dare change the surgery, this is a matter of my health. I also think my dh must have said something to my son later because since then I haven't heard a whine out of him! I guess sometimes our children's selfishness rears it's ugly head!

[Chickie 15]

Thanks Chickie. I really enjoy reading some of your posts! You help all of us newbies and band wanna bees out a lot!

I try to help where I can.

Best of luck to you.

[blulili 0]

Hey Bamalama...

Please try to stay as postive as possible. I can't imagine how sad you must feel at your son and daughter in laws selfishness. As a daughter...I can tell you that sometimes...we kids are so used to having our parent there for us for all our needs...that we forget (sometimes just don't care) that you guys have needs as well that not only need to be met--but validated. Right now you need to concentrate on your upcoming surgery and prepare physically AND mentally for it. If this is how he wants to act--so be it. You can't control his actions or lack of empathy towards you. Take a moment to go through the boards and read how many people are completely off all their meds thanks to this surgery. You deserve to have a chance at a better quality of life. You deserve the chance at not having PERFECT health, but by all means BETTER. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, don't dwell on your son and daughter in laws bad attitude with your decision to improve your life. It's their hang up. Yes, I'm sure it's frustrating and sad for you, but don't let it keep getting you down. Concentrate on your upcoming better health and stay strong! Good luck to you. Just know that there are people out here that have you in their thoughs and prayers.

Wishing you the best,

Lili

[Kat817 19]

Just over a year ago when I went into surgery I was taking 2 medications for high blood pressure, I was taking Metformin for high blood sugar, I was taking a pill for high cholesterol, I had just been taken off of the Celebrex for joint pain...but every step caused pain. Both of my knees have been operated on, and I have herniated discs in my lower back (L-4, L-5). I am a cancer survivor, of uterine cancer. July is my magic 5 year mark!!!

A year has passed, my banding surgery was a breeze....very minimal pain, more of a discomfort for a day or so is all. Following the rules, was much easier than I had anticipated...it is pretty easy not to want to eat all the time when you are not hungry all the time!!!

Now, I take no high blood pressure meds, and my blood pressure today was 112/74. My DH is headed for heart surgery and we have to watch his closely, so I check mine too!! My blood sugar remains low, without a single solitary dose of Metformin since the day before surgery! The cholesterol meds, almost put an end to my surgery, they raised my liver enzymes!!! I quit it before surgery as well. Right now my good cholesterol, could still be a bit better, but my numbers are so good they shock my Dr. and impress him so much he is considering the surgery for his wife!

I walk for exercise everyday, without joint pain. My back still has days that it reminds me it has problems, but they are few and far between, not a daily moan and groan. I can crawl on the floor with my grandbabies, and get up without help, of either a person or a chair...I can just stand up! I ride horses, and motorcycles on a regular basis.

90 pounds, and over 50 inches, has made a drastic difference in my life. I feel like I have a life again! The things you can do without the extra weight will make battling the cancer so much easier, or at least ease the pain the weight adds on. It seems to me the best gift you could give your son on his birthday, is more time, and in my opinion, the band could enable you to do that.

At 29, he is not a child, even if he does still occasionally act like one!!! But please consider that maybe his objection to the surgery is more of him having something he can "be angry" over. Cancer that has been deemed uncurable, leaves the family as well as the patient/victim devastated. The surgery may just be something he feels a little control over. Surgery is scary especially when your health is not optimal in the first place. Possibly he is afraid he will lose you during the operation itself...and if anything can cause us to cave in as parents, it is guilt.

That said, let him know you understand his fears, but that this is something you want to do for yourself. Assure him he is not going to be responsible for the debt. And take care of yourself. Find some support, through your Dr. or independent support groups/ Arrange transportation to and from the hospital, and someone to help you afterwards for a day or so if you should need it. And help yourself to a much improved future. I have no doubt that if I should have a recurrance now, I am in better condition to fight the cancer again, than I was when I dealt with it the first time. Chemo makes some people so sick they get stick thin. Not me, it made me nauseated, but the things that helped settle my stomach---were carb laden...and helped me get where I was a year ago.

Try to have a heart to heart talk with your son, and if he still fails to see the advantages....let him see them as you live them, and improve following surgery--this is YOUR life, he is 29 and has his own!!!!

Good Luck to you!

Kat

[Jachut 487]

Sheesh, he's 29! What does he want, a birthday party at McDonalds?

[meatmad 0]

forget about your son and daughter in law, you are doing this for you , hell have more birthdays and you will be able to Celebrate with him next year and have lost some or all of your excess weight. that would definately some thing to celebrate then ... i was on a lot of medication for diabetes , blood pressure and other probelms .. the dr cut me right down ..ive still got a long way to go but with the support of the people here on this website i now know i can do ...... good luck kym

[allwright 0]

I wondered if my "secret" should remain secret from my friends and extended family. Now I know I made the right decision. I only told my husband, mother and supportive sister-in-law. I wanted this surgery for my heath. Two BP meds a day,(needing a 3rd), back pain, knee pain, enlarged liver, arthritis, low self-esteem, etc. all were signs I needed to make a drastic change. It was for me! Selfish, I don't think so! I wanted to live a better life. Losing the weight is for my health benefits and the benefits will trickle down to my family and friends as it allows me to become healthier. I did not want the na-sayers to spoil my desire and goals. My husband is the heavenly-supporter! He is my biggest cheer leader. This web site is my support system that I knew my family and friends would not be able to fill.

Is the "secret" aspect for everyone? No, but you know who you are. If you have that loving support then I applaud you. But for those of us who have the negative, whiny, spoiled, immature, selfish, close-minded, jealous and judgemental family and friends....."they'll never know"!

Jen "Happy to be on the BAND wagon"!

[Lori Ann 0]

I think you know you are doing the right thing for your life right now. I have a 27 and 24 year old daughter and at first they were pissed off too. I couldn't figure it out because I know they love me dearly......but they think "mama you are fine just the way you are" and that is so far from the truth. They don't think I need to do anything except diet and exercise. When people first hear about "surgical weight loss" the red flags go up for people that don't understand this. Of course my daughters were right by my side when I had the surgery.......they now understand. I was just banded on May 24th and I was on 2 high blood pressure medications, diabetic medicine (Metformin). I had my follow up appointment with the surgeon yesterday and I have yet to take any diabetic medicine. My blood pressure is 120/78 and my blood sugar has not gone above 130.....before, even with the medicine it stayed between 200-300. My kids have witnessed this and are starting to see why I did this.....along with a better quality of life for me. Sometimes family love us to "death".......they love us unconditionally (healh wise)......but we see it differently when it comes to our health and the way we feel inside. I have never felt better emotionally and physically then I do right now. I agree with another post that sometimes they will just have to watch the transformation. Our families love us and it just comes across that they don't want us to have the surgery.....this has been my experience.

Lori Ann:clap2:

[annielkd 0]

I can tell you that I think MOST heavy people are that way because they devote their lives to someone else. I know that even though my husband "claimed" he wanted me to do this... when I had to take the time away from him and his needs, it really pissed him off. We have to stop letting people be depended on us, and take care of ourselves for a change. I'm sorry to hear about your cancer... but, you are right... caring for youself might make the journey a little easier. You NEED to take care of yourself first. You don't have to think about what they think... they are not you. When I first started looking into lapband, they mentioned that there were divorces over this. I couldn't figure out why. Then as my husband complained about my appointments I figured it out. We (heavy people) are always doing what's best for others, not ourselves.... people expect that from us. They don't want us to care about ourselves. Tell your family... this is what I'm doing. If you can't support me on this... and you have no real reasons...(like if this was going to make your cancer worse) then you are just being selfish. That's not what love is about.

[michellyoh 0]

Bamalama~ maybe your son could use some perspective. Like the fact that you are doing this to prolong what life you have left. You can miss this birthday, but be around for many more. Regardless, do this for you!! Sometimes, we just have to make it about ourselves.

[Big As Life 0]

Sometimes, we have to put ourselves first.....don't worry about your son or dil....just focus on you and what you need to do to make you healthy and happy....I wish you all the luck in the world...May each day bring you happiness.....go for it....