Scared husband

[SAD HATTER 122]

I have not experienced this with my husband. I am still in the 6 month pre- diet. My husband married me when I was 300 pounds. He is 6' 4" , weighs 215, and has a 34 inch waist. He has always been a big, strong, manly man. He has no preference as to size. He said if I want to get the surgery, that is fine with him. But he didn't want me to get it just because I wanted to be skinny. He wanted me to know that even if I stayed this fat forever, that he didn't care. I don't think he will worry that I will leave. I try to make my attraction to him known every day. We have a really strong bond. I think open communication is the key to working through a huge physical transformation.

[vixen1978 16]

I am going to comment from a man's point of view. This can go for both men and women. We all can be insecure. I think what it comes down to is that once all that weight comes off all sorts of compliments will come with it. With compliments comes confidence. Being thinner and confident will attract other men or women. Yes people can and will love us at our current weight, but let's not bulls*&t here, we all know damn well if we were thinner and more confident more men/women would hit on us or be more attracted to us. That's is true fact. Regardless if you are married or not, you ALWAYS want to feel attractive. We all like that little glance from across the room or that smile from someone you pass by. Even if you are married and would never act on it, you like it. Regardless if this pisses us off, your other half knows that is around the corner and he is scared some stud might come swoop you off your feet. You say that will never happen, but you do not know because, again, majority of us never experienced it being a lighter more confident person. I guarantee there are plenty of men or women who left their husband or wife after WLS for these exact reasons. He has a legit reason to feel a bit insecure. Now, I have never dated a woman that went through wls or needed it but I have dated women that have been hit on when we go out and I can honestly say that it personally does not bother me. I take it as a complement and I feel confident enough to know she is mine and is coming home with me. When the day comes when I'm wrong, eh I'll deal with it then. I guess what I am trying to say is that its okay for him to feel that way at first. If that insecurity does not go away, well that is another story and the dude needs help. Just be patient with him. I'm sure he has been patient with you during your emotional battles with weight. We all put our wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend through some crap regarding our weight.

I agree with your post totally. Well said.

I may be the weird one, but I am actually worried that after I get the surgery that I'll be so high from the compliments, etc that I may actually be tempted. I don't want that to happen. We are not married, but we've been together for eight years. Rather than him worrying, I am actually a little worried. I hear of so many people breaking up after WLS.

[randoval 21]

I am going to comment from a man's point of view. This can go for both men and women. We all can be insecure. I think what it comes down to is that once all that weight comes off all sorts of compliments will come with it. With compliments comes confidence. Being thinner and confident will attract other men or women. Yes people can and will love us at our current weight, but let's not bulls*&t here, we all know damn well if we were thinner and more confident more men/women would hit on us or be more attracted to us. That's is true fact. Regardless if you are married or not, you ALWAYS want to feel attractive. We all like that little glance from across the room or that smile from someone you pass by. Even if you are married and would never act on it, you like it. Regardless if this pisses us off, your other half knows that is around the corner and he is scared some stud might come swoop you off your feet. You say that will never happen, but you do not know because, again, majority of us never experienced it being a lighter more confident person. I guarantee there are plenty of men or women who left their husband or wife after WLS for these exact reasons. He has a legit reason to feel a bit insecure. Now, I have never dated a woman that went through wls or needed it but I have dated women that have been hit on when we go out and I can honestly say that it personally does not bother me. I take it as a complement and I feel confident enough to know she is mine and is coming home with me. When the day comes when I'm wrong, eh I'll deal with it then. I guess what I am trying to say is that its okay for him to feel that way at first. If that insecurity does not go away, well that is another story and the dude needs help. Just be patient with him. I'm sure he has been patient with you during your emotional battles with weight. We all put our wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend through some crap regarding our weight.

I agree with your post totally. Well said.

I may be the weird one, but I am actually worried that after I get the surgery that I'll be so high from the compliments, etc that I may actually be tempted. I don't want that to happen. We are not married, but we've been together for eight years. Rather than him worrying, I am actually a little worried. I hear of so many people breaking up after WLS.

When someone starts paying more attention to you and you start getting more looks and smiles it is contagious. Your confidence goes through the roof and your mind begins to wonder. You might hate the fact that it took a dramatic weight loss for these people to notice, but the high will be so great, those feeling might get pushed aside and your curiosity will begin to grow. Before you know it, you're flirting with this guy/gal, taking lunch time walks together and BOOM...you find yourself in a situation where you're wanting to see how it feels to be single or with another man/woman. If you are worried about it, I would say you do not see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person. That is an entire different discussion @@vixen1978 (nice name )

[SAD HATTER 122]

I am pretty certain, that my personality type is rather harsh...and that anyone that all of a sudden pays attention to me will be on my $#!+ list. If they ignored me fat, but don't mind talking to me thin, then that's their problem. I don't want more attention. Especially when it means that NOW they notice you. To me that just cements the fact that they thought you were chopped liver before. So remember... all of the new compliments from people you haven't gotten any from before, are ONLY complimenting because you are thinner. If you had accomplished something else, not weight related, would they be so eager to make positive comments about that? If not, screw them. I don't need that kind of fake friendliness in my life.

I agree with your post totally. Well said.

I may be the weird one, but I am actually worried that after I get the surgery that I'll be so high from the compliments, etc that I may actually be tempted. I don't want that to happen. We are not married, but we've been together for eight years. Rather than him worrying, I am actually a little worried. I hear of so many people breaking up after WLS.

[randoval 21]

I am pretty certain, that my personality type is rather harsh...and that anyone that all of a sudden pays attention to me will be on my $#!+ list. If they ignored me fat, but don't mind talking to me thin, then that's their problem. I don't want more attention. Especially when it means that NOW they notice you. To me that just cements the fact that they thought you were chopped liver before. So remember... all of the new compliments from people you haven't gotten any from before, are ONLY complimenting because you are thinner. If you had accomplished something else, not weight related, would they be so eager to make positive comments about that? If not, screw them. I don't need that kind of fake friendliness in my life.

I agree with your post totally. Well said.

I may be the weird one, but I am actually worried that after I get the surgery that I'll be so high from the compliments, etc that I may actually be tempted. I don't want that to happen. We are not married, but we've been together for eight years. Rather than him worrying, I am actually a little worried. I hear of so many people breaking up after WLS.

Is it being fake or is that they are just attracted to to a thinner, healthier individual? Because they didnt notice you or hit on you when you were big that makes them "fake"? If I am not attracted to someone, I do not send signals that I am. Now if a man or woman made it known to you that they were not attracted to you or you because of your size than you would definitely have a reason to feel that way you do, but again, if they are not attracted to a overweight individual that is their own right and most people are not. Even if it is a co-worker they have the right to be attracted to whatever they are attracted to. As long as they showed you respect and acknowledge you when you were big, you can't really be mad at them for being attracted to a more thinner, fitter you. We might not like it so much, but should we really be mad at them for them not having an attraction to us a unhealthy size if that is not what they are not attracted to? Most people you get hit on, will not even know you were big before surgery till you tell them and that should not fault those individuals either.

Now if these people called you disgusting, fat, ugly or every name in the book and then all of a sudden found you attractive after wls...well then Id tell em to eat sh*t

[heav85 123]

He's gonna miss me being heavy. But he says he loves me and will stick with me. Afraid I'm going to get too skinny

[navywife1978 19]

I don't know... I've never been skinny, and I've never had a problem getting a date or attention... But I get he issue, my husband and I are just not even close to that scenario. He is my best friend.

[vixen1978 16]

@@randoval that is what I was thinking too. I won't be mad if people find me more attractive after surgery. If I knew them before surgery and they were kind to me no big deal. If they were dismissive and mean to me before and then they try to befriend me or hit on me after then hell yeah eff them.

On another note, I have been heavier than my boyfriend since day one. I've known him for over a decade. It will be surreal to be smaller than him. I have always secretly wished that I could sit on his lap or be picked up and carried by him without him grunting from effort. Even at my smallest he was no match for me. Lol. I have never been that little girl. Even when I was small I was muscular and heavier than he is.

Edited March 6, 2015 by vixen1978

[SAD HATTER 122]

I mean in general. Some people just ignore fat people like the plague. If those people all of a sudden change then I do consider that fake friendliness. I want people in my daily life that are genuine and true.

I am pretty certain, that my personality type is rather harsh...and that anyone that all of a sudden pays attention to me will be on my $#!+ list. If they ignored me fat, but don't mind talking to me thin, then that's their problem. I don't want more attention. Especially when it means that NOW they notice you. To me that just cements the fact that they thought you were chopped liver before. So remember... all of the new compliments from people you haven't gotten any from before, are ONLY complimenting because you are thinner. If you had accomplished something else, not weight related, would they be so eager to make positive comments about that? If not, screw them. I don't need that kind of fake friendliness in my life.

I agree with your post totally. Well said.

I may be the weird one, but I am actually worried that after I get the surgery that I'll be so high from the compliments, etc that I may actually be tempted. I don't want that to happen. We are not married, but we've been together for eight years. Rather than him worrying, I am actually a little worried. I hear of so many people breaking up after WLS.

Is it being fake or is that they are just attracted to to a thinner, healthier individual? Because they didnt notice you or hit on you when you were big that makes them "fake"? If I am not attracted to someone, I do not send signals that I am. Now if a man or woman made it known to you that they were not attracted to you or you because of your size than you would definitely have a reason to feel that way you do, but again, if they are not attracted to a overweight individual that is their own right and most people are not. Even if it is a co-worker they have the right to be attracted to whatever they are attracted to. As long as they showed you respect and acknowledge you when you were big, you can't really be mad at them for being attracted to a more thinner, fitter you. We might not like it so much, but should we really be mad at them for them not having an attraction to us a unhealthy size if that is not what they are not attracted to? Most people you get hit on, will not even know you were big before surgery till you tell them and that should not fault those individuals either.

Now if these people called you disgusting, fat, ugly or every name in the book and then all of a sudden found you attractive after wls...well then Id tell em to eat sh*t

[iwanttofitin 20]

So, this won't apply to every relationship, but here's my take on the matter:

My husband is an insecure guy...he just is. He always dated heavy women. I do believe he finds heavier women more attractive than most men do, but I wouldn't say he's a "chubby chaser". I think in his case, it's much easier on the ego to have a woman that isn't constantly getting hit on by other men. He would find that threatening. So, I'm a little worried about how all of this will play out after I have my surgery. As of right now, he is being super supportive about the whole process. He hasn't tried to talk me out of it at all. He even goes to my monthly support group with me, which I really appreciate. I keep telling him that the weight loss is to help US enjoy life more...as I will probably be much more willing to go out and do fun things when I'm am not so heavy. I think the key is to keep the lines of communication open, and maybe make an effort to stroke his ego quite a bit once the weight loss really gets going. I hope and pray that this surgery will not ruin my marriage, or turn him into a jealous crazy person. I really do just want to feel better and be healthier. If I get cuter in the process, that's just a bonus...for me AND him.

Edited March 6, 2015 by iwanttofitin

[heav85 123]

So, this won't apply to every relationship, but here's my take on the matter:

My husband is an insecure guy...he just is. He always dated heavy women. I do believe he finds heavier women more attractive than most men do, but I wouldn't say he's a "chubby chaser". I think in his case, it's much easier on the ego to have a woman that isn't constantly getting hit on by other men. He would find that threatening. So, I'm a little worried about how all of this will play out after I have my surgery. As of right now, he is being super supportive about the whole process. He hasn't tried to talk me out of it at all. He even goes to my monthly support group with me, which I really appreciate. I keep telling him that the weight loss is to help US enjoy life more...as I will probably be much more willing to go out and do fun things when I'm am not so heavy. I think the key is to keep the lines of communication open, and maybe make an effort to stroke his ego quite a bit once the weight loss really gets going. I hope and pray that this surgery will not ruin my marriage, or turn him into a jealous crazy person. I really do just want to feel better and be healthier. If I get cuter in the process, that's just a bonus...for me AND him.

That's exactly how I feel. But my hubby really likes looking a other women with nice asses lol. He says he loves my big butt. But I don't see how. I personally just think it's wide and flat. I'm thinking maybe he knows how he looks at some girls and he's afraid guys will do that to me. Idk.

[LuciaM 15]

I have been lucky so far, my significant other has been very supportive of my choice to have wls. He did voice his concerns about elective surgeries but said if this is what I really want he supports me 100%! Surgery of any kind can be scary period for ourselves but even more scary for those sitting or pacing in the waiting room. He knows I want to do this to be a healthier me, to be able to enjoy life more now, be able to run around with my grand child that is on the way, and be able to go to the amusement park this year and get on some of the rides with him that I was too big to get on before. He jokes with me and tells me "please dont lose your butt" so I promised many squats will be done. Lol I get compliments now and he knows it and he knows there is no place I'd rather be than in his arms. I think the key to success is to make sure the attention and compliments with each other are already something happening in your relationship and then make sure to continue it after the procedure too and you both will be fine. We are all embarking on a new chapter in our lives that will be filled with many ups and downs. We are going to be emotional roller coasters. After surgery I think it is very important for both of you to flirt with each other and often. I am sure you will have no concerns as long as you reinforce your commitment and love to him. Just always keep in mind this change isn't happening to just you, it's happening to you and all that are close to you. Positive thoughts will win. Good luck on your weight loss journey.

[Cococat 119]

I can see both sides of the issue - should you respond positively to people who hit on you after you lose weight, (especially if they have known you prior to losing the weight but did not like what they saw enough to make a move) or reject them for having been too shallow?

I was never the skinniest girl. I was always a bit chunky... until I got really chunky. My husband passed the "Trial by Fat" challenge. He loves me, actually loves me, the old, chunky bitc# that I am. He passed "Trial by Fat" and "Trial by Bitc#." There are amazing men out there.

An old lady's advice: they have to pass some sort of test.

And just to confuse things even more: Men might just be responding to their genes. Meaning: millions of years of evolution imprinted on our genes the image of a good mate. For women, a healthy maker (an supporter)of babies is generally taller than the woman is, broad shoulders and a slim waist. Good hunting skills now translates into having a job! That hits the genetic bullseye. Men also have the "ideal" mate (a cooperative female who looks in good breeding shape). Tip: After you lose weight, don't be too merciful with men, but know that they are only tools of Nature. If you can make one your love slave, all the better.