Why do people feel they have a right to be rude now?

[Bobby46 327]

When I was at my heaviest ....and was there for many years....no one asked me how much I weigh, what size I wear, how much I plan to lose or what I am eating.

But now, some family (not close), acquaintance's and flat out strangers....and their friends.....! feel the need to discuss my body, my weight and my eating habits! I just don't get it! I would never, have never, in my life, asked these questions!

Why do people feel they have free reign over my body, my appearance? Why is this ok to them? It really pisses me off! It is NOT ok to assume that everyone on a "diet" has an obligation to the world to answer any and all questions about said diet when ever asked!!

I do my best to be polite and talk around the subject. But it never ceases to amaze me that people feel they have a right to ask these things and expect an answer in the first place!

I will share my experience openly with people on this forum. I will share it with a couple of my close friends and family. Everyone knows that I will talk but I don't want to be flat out asked.....its just rude! To me it is no ones business unless I CHOOSE to share it and make it their business. So why do so many people that I barely know....or haven't talked to in months....or the stinking clerk at the grocery store, think its ok to ask?

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

I know!

I work with some great people and they have been very complimentary about my weight loss. Only 3 people where I work know I had WLS and they have kept it private.

But even the sweetest people are now asking the numbers questions.

Nope. Not going there folks.

I decided long ago I was not going to give ANYONE outside of my circle of trust the numbers ever.

So my reply to these questions is as follows:

How much have you lost?

A lot.

Wow I know. Like how much?

A real lot.

How much more do you want to lose?

I don't know really. It's slowing down and getting harder so I need to bump up my exercise.

Well you look great. How much more do you want to lose?

A couple more sizes if I can.

A couple more sizes? Really?

Yeah, if it works out that way. If I exercise more it will eventually happen. I'm not in a race.

This was a conversation in the office bathroom this week. I smiled and walked away as I answered.

People will treat me as I allow them to treat me. That includes how they speak to me. I take charge of the conversation and divert it as I can. If I can't then my fall back answer is:

Come on now. You KNOW I'm never going to tell you that number, don't you?

[AvaFern 3,516]

I know what you mean, although I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they are not intentionally being rude. I feel like sometimes people just want to talk to you and they feel that by complimenting you on your loss and asking you how much more you plan to lose gives them a line of conversation in which they feel they are making you feel good as opposed to being annoying.

My big peeve is when people ask me how much I've lost. I generally reply, oh well I had mostly gained it all before, so I'm just trying to get back to where I was. But then they keep pushing for a number....and I feel like saying, I've lost 107 pounds makes me sound like I was this total monster before, and for people who happen to overhear the conversation it's just embarrassing to me that they now know I was a hefferilla. A girl at the gym the other day introduced me to her friend and said "omg, this girl has lost 100 pounds!" and I know she wasn't trying to be unkind, so I tried to be gracious, but it certainly reminds me to be more cognizant of how I talk to others who have lost weight.

[mhuntoon 21]

I had no interest in telling my mother about my sleeve. Told my dad months before he said he felt guilty and asked me to please tell her. Why? Because she's the least supportive person on the planet and one who doesn't hesitate to broadcast other peoples' business to anyone and everyone. "You think I'm a gossip?? I don't know how you've gotten that impression." is her standard response to my asking, "please keep this between us. No one else needs to know." I'm sure several people in her retirement condo village know I've had the surgery, even though I asked her not to tell anyone. My aunt and uncle rent a place there in the winter, so I'm sure they've heard about it - even if not directly from my mother - and they weren't included in the very short list of people I discussed this with.

Anyhow, enough of the backstory on my mother. I hate when I speak with her and she asks how much I weigh now. "None of your f'n business" is what I'd like to say, but being a good son I tell her. Not once has she said, "Wow! That's fantastic. I'm so happy for you. You must feel so good now." Nope. It's the same thing every single time, "I hope you stick with it." in a tone that oozes doubt.

That's really the only rudeness I get, but it's almost daily. If I go more than a couple of days without speaking with them, I get the "we haven't talked to you in so long" lecture. I'm 48! I have four kids! I'm going through a lot on my own both in trying to deal with a serious change in my life and the fact that I've been out of work for a year and none of the 36 job applications I've done in the past month have yielded a single call. But, yes, let me drop everything so I can call you and listen to you go on and on about your women's club nonsense and then have you say something about dinner, only to have dad say something different about it, then listen to the two of you run through every step of last night's dinner until you resolve the issue - because that's fun.

[Bobby46 327]

I usually play nice. Smile a lot and jump around the total number. Its just a number to everyone but me and my doctor, right?! So in my mind...if you are asking for a number it is just so you can run to your girlfriends and report it....its just a tidbit of gossip for that person to run with...they got the scoop! I am not going to be or encourage someones entertainment.

If they persist and push for that number I just turn it around and say....Well how much to you weigh? My friends have been asking about you. I used that one on the office gossip the last time I was in the office (I work from home, mostly) That made my day

But, my biggest issue is my Mother! She is insisting...INSISTING....on knowing what I weigh and how much I've lost! I refuse to tell her because she is the town crier....everyone will know within in 5 minutes of telling her. Shes faster than the internet! We are not close, but have a friendly relationship. She is not on my list of people who need to know! She calls my sister all the time and asks her these questions!! Good grief!!

mhuntoon, I think our mothers would get along just fine!

Edited February 8, 2015 by Bobby46

[JerseyCityGal 231]

You know what - they are happy and excited for you. This leads to them sometimes being a little bit inappropriate.

A couple of weeks ago I walked into a restaurant I hadn't been in since before being sleeved this summer. The owner greeted me with a really loud "OH MY GOD! WHERE'S THE REST OF YOU???" I swear half the place turned around. I started laughing and told him "She's in the car." "HOW MUCH WEIGHT HAVE YOU LOST????" "Close to 100 lbs." (ok, so it's 91 lbs but everyone was looking, lol) Then he did the whole "You look fantastic" etc thing. You would have thought he won something.

A couple of people stopped by my table on their way out and did the who congrats thing and asked me how I did it. I was honest. I was very private about my surgery in general, but the way I look at it - I'm now an Ambassador for the Gastric Sleeve when it comes up. I gave them a quick synopsis of what the sleeve does and does not do for you, and how it has allowed me to get my eating under control. Maybe those people are going to tell a friend who needs the surgery how she met this lady who had the surgery or be supportive instead of negative when someone they know is considering the surgery.

I didn't give a flying fig about anyone's approval or opinion before I got the surgery so I only told people on a need to know basis (closest relative, closest friend, next door neighbor in case of emergency, single most trusted co-worker in case something happened to me at work), but I'm not ashamed to let people know what it did for me in the hopes that it will allow them to be open to supporting someone in their life or to not be afraid to make this choice for their own life.

[ProjectMe 909]

I think it's kind of like being pregnant and everyone and their mother thinks it's ok to share their own labor stories, Unsolicited advice & even touch your belly.

I admit that all of the attention has become tedious. I started this lifestyle change long before I even had surgery..so you'd think my coworkers would be used to it by now. Nope, I'm still constabtly asked, "What I am doing." I don't share my personal life with my coworkers. So I always state the same response, "I follow a high Protein, low carb. Lots of exercise diet."

[finediva 979]

@mhuntoon. Feel beter? Don't mean to be insensitive, but your post made me giggle. So does your parents have ANY idea what's going on in your life right now, besides your weight loss journey? Really hope the job situation is resolved soon. Because I did not want to walk out into moving traffic, I chose to resign from my job from hell. 15 months later, this past January, I started a new job. Better pay, better everything, and I no longer want to drink bleach! Something will come through for you. Hang on.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@mhuntoon ... I feel your pain.

Funny stuff!

(Good comedy is grounded in serious pain.)

[SugarFreeMe 293]

I see this totally opposite of others. If someone asks me questions I think of it as :

1.) They're interested in the procedure and my health.

2.) They're being supportive.

If they know about my procedure, it's because I told them about it so they were important enough in my life as I didn't tell anyone I didn't think should know. If they bring it up I valued their opinion in the first place to have include them in that part of my life, I opened myself up to talk with them about it, good, bad or indifferent opinions and all.

Could be my positive outlook on life??? I figure that if they took the initiative to ask, they care.

[amponder 396]

I think that most people think they are being supportive, and they don't really realize how much we get asked the same questions, I liken it to the 3 times I was pregnant, people ask the most personal questions, Are you going to have one more? You gonna get your tubes tied? Haven't your figured out what's causing that yet? Are you gonna breastfeed? See where I'm going with this? They don't realize they are being rude, they really don't. There are people that I hate to see coming my way cause I know the entire conversation is going to be about my surgery. I like what someone on here said to say I believe it was lipstick lady, "I'm tired of talking about my body, let's talk about yours." This is the only place I like to come to talk about my weight loss cause I feel understood here, and I have never felt judged even for mistakes, my mom gives me the stink eye when she thinks I shouldn't be eating something.

[Keeper 218]

It is conversations like these that make me glad I live 2 states away from family (my sisters know I had WLS and are EXTREMELY supportive of me. If anything, I am running to them to share my success) and only see them once or twice a year! And I don't work so I don't have to deal with comparisons or questions. For the most part I get to hide in my own little world and keep losing weight. I know at some point it will become very obvious, esp with the aforementioned family since I will see them this summer. I am looking forward to their "wow's and you look great's" but not the questions.

But for what is worth, I hate that people feel like they are entitled to information, even when it is out of interest and support.

I am definitely going to remember some of your responses when it is time for me to deal with it!!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

"I'm so tired of talking about MY weight. Let's talk about YOURS instead." Said with a smile...

[ready2B 263]

First of all, I think I have the same mother as a few of you! Must be some correlation between how crazy they are and how we ended up at this place, right?

I hate how my body, weight, what I eat, etc becomes public topic of conversation once people know I've had surgery or am on a diet. To me, it is just as invasive as if they had kept asking, "How much money do you make? How much did you spend this week? What do you spend it on? What is your bank balance now?" You'd never dignify those questions with an answer, would you?

Someone, I can't remember who, said the best way to diffuse personal questions is to just look at them a bit incredulously like "wow, I can't believe you would ask me that!" and then maybe either say "sorry, that's a bit too personal" or just change the subject. They will get the message that they are being intrusive and they won't ask you again. But if you give them an answer, you've given them permission to continue to ask more. You do teach people how to treat you, and you also are teaching them how to treat the next person in your shoes.

[Dabliss111114 180]

I'm so on the same page with most of you. It's one thing for us to share with each other here. That's why we're here. We're all going through a similar life change regardless of what type of surgery we've had, and we're all experiencing the many facets of how those changes affect our lives.

I tend to think that it's shear lack of knowledge and understanding that make people ask the probing questions. They have no clue what this journey is about so the only thing they can ask is "how much have you lost?" or "when will you stop dieting?" or any of the other idiotic things they ask. I'm with those of you that are comfortable in responding with something that will leave them perplexed. By turning the question back on them hopefully it'll make them realize how rude or just plain stupid the question is.

It's OUR business how much we weighed before our surgery, or how much we've lost, or what size we're down to, or just how long we will continue to "do this". REALLY????? We have to remember that there's no way they can put themselves into our shoes. They can't travel our paths.

We just have to exercise patience I guess. Remember, one day we'll have reached our goals and we'll simply blend in with others and not be that person who is "losing weight" anymore. When that day comes the questions will stop and people will finally just accept us as one of them, instead of the biggest person in the room.