Jealousy

[mboulis 0]

I didn't by any means to offend you in any way. I guess what I meant is that I don't feel sorry for people who don't try even when they have this tool. I don't know what it's like to go through a depression because I've never had to experience it. I'm sure it is really hard to go through one while on this wonderful journey. I do wish you the best. And as far as the jealousy part, everyone, I think has experienced it atleast once in their life and it is a sad world we live in. But you just have to take one day at a time and enjoy your life. Best of luck to you.

Thank you Missy...and to you, too!

[OH Juli 15]

It's so true! The band is a TOOL... it baffles my boyfriend that people think of it as PFM (pure f@c*ing magic). The band helps us make the right choices but it's the choices that we make that ultimately determine how well our weight loss is going.

Kudos to your aunt for stepping up, baby!

I LOVE PFM! What a perfect way to describe that attitude people have about it!

The, "wow, so the band really works, huh?" question has had me go, "No, I really work hard with the band!" I now will tag on, "it is not PFM!"

[Jennifur 0]

I am so glad I found this. I am reading post by post.

I have lost a very close friend and neighbor, along with a few of my other neighbors who absolutely refuse to talk to me.

Before surgery, everyone was so very supportive of my decision, tried to not tempt me to eat pre-op and helped with my kids. I got home from the hospital and they started to stay away, so they wouldn't tempt me to eat or make it difficult on me. I was 2 weeks into mushies - which for me was soft food and not full liquids - and they didn't even know it. They won't even look at me, not one comment from a single one about my weight loss, nothing. The other day I got a happy meal for my son and when I pulled up to the house, they looked at me, no hello, nothing, just oh... McDonalds? what is that all about? So because I'm not eating it I can't get my 3 year old a treat? It is just insane and I'm so hurt by it all. The worst thing is they are my neighbors, so when I walk out my door they just give me nasty looks.

It hurts, but here is my thought... I did nothing wrong ... I did nothing to them, all I am doing is trying to better myself, improve myself, and get rid of some excess weight. I am not going to apologize for nothing, which is hard for me, but the extensive therapy I've been going to has helped me with that. It is just so horrible, and there is not much time in a day where I don't think about how they treat me.

I look forward to reading all the pages here

[insubordination 0]

I wonder if these people would prefer us to be lying smugly in out early grave with our supersized casket and an inscription on our tombstone reading, "Hey, I died 20 years before I should have but at least I didn't take the easy way out."

[areellady 1]

Insubordination,

THAT IS GREAT!! I love it! That is what is seems like people want. I think it really comes down to this....some people can't stand to see someone else succeed at something. It makes them unsecure about themselves. That is plain and simple and what it is. Deanna

[DynamoMini 1]

Jennifur - Hang in there. They can't have really been your friends, truly. I have experienced that type of judgment from my mother, and have had it all my life. Those comments used to be triggers, now I still acknowledge how hurtful they are, but, like you, I am not "showing them" by binging. The best revenge is living a healthy life. You go sista!

[Jennifur 0]

Thanks DynamoMini

You are all right and it most definately is "not the easy way out" I go to the gym 5 days a week and some days almost feel like I'm going to pass out from lack of something (yes, my Dr. is trying to figure out what that something is), but it is anything but easy.

It is just so frustrating. I do have a handful of very true friends who have backed off to not tempt me, but who I talk to every single day of my life and who tell me how proud they are of me. So... screw everyone else right?

[libra 13]

I'm not having it with friends really but my hubby, yes. The more I lose the more attention I'm getting from other men and he's flipping out about it already.

Same here. We actually started marriage counseling. Turns out that he's insecure since I've gained some of my confidence back. He's afraid that I'm going to leave him. I try to convince him that I'd never leave, he's been my rock through it all and loved my at 319 pounds when other people wouldn't even look at me.

I think any drastic changes can affect a relationship.

As for friends, I was always the "fat one" so I think they're all happy for me. I didn't really have "eating buddies" I was more of a closet eater.

[mboulis 0]

I am reading these replies and am so appalled by the way you all are getting treated! The band is not the easy way out at all---if it were, I'd be sitting here in a size 8 instead of a size 20!

What the heck are wrong with these people?????:angry

I have a friend who had the duodenal switch. She went from 325 down to 185 in about a year. She didn't have to fight weightloss with her surgery like we do. She has stayed there for the past 4 years. She can eat anything she wants---but might throw up if it sits wrong with her. And she gets diarrhea alot. She also now has to have transfusions and IV Iron treatments because it messed up her system so much.

I don't get it when people say "the easy way out". Why doesn't People magazine talk about how their covergirls and guys use the "easy way" out--- Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, LA Weightloss, etc...or any of those meal plans that come prepackaged...isn't that the "easy way" out, too?

grrrrr.....

[mboulis 0]

Same here. We actually started marriage counseling. Turns out that he's insecure since I've gained some of my confidence back. He's afraid that I'm going to leave him. I try to convince him that I'd never leave, he's been my rock through it all and loved my at 319 pounds when other people wouldn't even look at me.

I think any drastic changes can affect a relationship.

As for friends, I was always the "fat one" so I think they're all happy for me. I didn't really have "eating buddies" I was more of a closet eater.

My husband was totally supportive of the band---but not the RNY or DS. He's had no issues of jealousy whatsoever.

Now, my ex-husband, when I lost weight (diet and exercise) would call me names, accuse me of cheating, etc. Told me I was losing weight only so I could get somebody better than him. It wasn't long before I regained everything I lost and more.

[green 6]

Your ex-husband sounds really messed in the head, and you did find someone better than him. A very good thing, too. :smellie:

[Marimaru 7]

My husband was very supportive from the beginning. About 4 months after surgery we had a rough spot, and I basically had to drag it out of him that he was nervous that I'd lose weight and leave him for someone else. I told him he loved me for me, no matter how I looked, and anyone that was going to give me the time of day since I was skinny, that wouldn't have when I was fat, wasn't worth my time. And we've been fine ever since (he was my boyfriend back then ).

I have a friend who was kind of an eating buddy in high school. She has said that she could never do surgery, but is very supportive. We don't live close so we don't see each other often. When we do, she says I'm shrinking on her, and when I'm eating she makes little jokes about it, but there's no snideness about it.

My sisters are also very supportive. My youngest sister has always had body dysmorphia issues, so we relate on that, even though she's thin. She had some pregnancy weight to lose, but that's all gone (although she doesn't see that). My other sister gained quit a bit of weight with her pregnancy (my niece and nephew are 3 months apart), and she had never, ever had weight issues before, so it's been hard on her, but I've been able to give her advice, and explain that she's going to need some patience. What's really tripping me out, is that for the first time EVER, her and I are the same size, in shirts at least. I've never been the same size as her in anything. It's partly because she gained some, but mostly because of what I've lost, but it's weird none the less.

We had too much wine one night and that's when she told me how badly she was struggling. She also said that she felt guilty saying anything to me about it, because I've been struggling for so long, and because I've always had a bigger body, and she never did before, and she wasn't sure I'd see the difference in our issues. She *knows* what she's 'supposed' to look like, whereas I have no idea!

[DynamoMini 1]

Jealousy and the problem for me -

I know my work on this earth is to learn boundaries. I am the type of person that many people use for support and I love giving that, but I am also the type of person that many people abuse by taking all my energy and never giving anything back. This is because I don't set boundaries. I want to be with people who take and give, not just the takers. If someone is an energy sucker, I'll give them some time, we all have those low moments, but at some point I want to be around people who think the glass is at least half full, not half empty all the time. I'm really there when someone needs me, but now, I am working to set a boundary that is reasonable because I deserve to be in a half full world, with at least half full energy around me. This helps me emotionally.

mboulis - same deal for me

By the way the first husband got really jealous when I lost weight, and I put it right back on, it was easier at the time. The second husband was a love and it didn't matter how much I weighed.

Is it that way for any of you?

[OH Juli 15]

D.Mini

I know about the boundaries for which you speak. My mom (she's groovey) calls them enegery vampires. I find myself pretty intolerant of people who don't give back any more, but it took some time. I've gotten to the point where I am so busy and so focused on positive outcomes that I can cut those selfish energy sucking people out of my life with little remorse.

That has been such a gift.

And yeah you for finding a man who charishes you. All people deserve that kind of love. My sweetie does very well by me too.

[mboulis 0]

Jealousy and the problem for me -

Imboulis - same deal for me

By the way the first husband got really jealous when I lost weight, and I put it right back on, it was easier at the time. The second husband was a love and it didn't matter how much I weighed.

Is it that way for any of you?

Exactly that way. My husband has dated heavy women, average sized women, skinny women...the size/weight has never been an issue with him. He looks within.

My ex purposefully seeks out heavy women. When I was with him, I went into counseling...he was very emotionally abusive. Anyway, it came out--and he did NOT deny it--that being with a fat woman made HIM feel better about himself. He felt if his wife/girlfriend were morbidly obese, then he would look great in comparison (he was 5'7 and about 130 at the time). He also felt people would pity him for having to have sex with me and that he'd get "mercy sex" from women who'd wonder how he could be sexual with somebody as fat as me (he told them we hadn't had sex in years--which wasn't true).

Everytime we would argue, it would always be "your *fat* ass", "butt your *fat* nose out of it", "get your *fat* face out of my sight"...always threw "fat" into it. Yet liked to say he was not biased against overweight people. :angry

I still have trouble believing my husband accepts me as I am sometimes. Ten years of that other BS played a lot on my self confidence.