female only You face looks like a donut

[bellabloom 2,467]

Why is it so hard for me to cut him out of my life?

I wasn't raised in an abusive situation. My parents were very kind to me although my siblings could be mean at times. We fought like normal siblings. I was a chubby kid and it hurt my self esteem, mostly the way it was handled. I admit I did have low self esteem.

By the time I was in my 20s I had an eating disorder and my self worth revolved around men. I didn't value my looks although I was beautiful and I didn't have any self confidence when it came to men. I had several nice boyfriends but still ended up with a man who was withholding and controlling of me.

I am struggling because verbal abuse is so gray area. When is really "abuse?" My ex of seven years and the father or my kids would use words as weapons and then he would blame it on me.

When we got together I was bulimic. I was quite thin and even so he said I was to big for him. That hit a chord in my brain so that all I wanted was to prove I was worthy of him. I became bulimic and I got what I wanted at all cost- him. Eventually the dam broke however when I became pregnant. It was then i started to realize what a mistake is made- he wasn't that important. This baby and me- that was important. This was my life!

He could be so charming at times. He could weave the idea of a beautiful life, he could turn the tables on me and make it seem like it was my doing that I was unhappy or that he put me down.

It was true I had no money, I gained a ton of weight pregnant with my son, I didn't have a good job and I had low self esteem. He would pick those issues to get me down even lower.

I think I wanted a life with him as a fantasy. I even stayed long enough to have my daughter, seven years in all. I never wanted to be a single parent and I was always in love with him or at least the idea of it.

When we were together he would corner me and scream at me, flip me off, his favorite thing to call me was "you f**king b***h". He would tell me I was lazy because I didn't want to workout like he thought I should. I was constantly reminded of my weight. He would say I walked too loud, my feet were too big, my clothes repulsed him, he was embarrassed of me. He gave me ultimatums about losing weight and basically said I was a mess. He would lose his temper and even threw things at me a couple times. During our relationship my weight went from 140 to 240. I was also pregnant three times with two babies. He would say I have let myself go and other moms don't look like me and it's just an excuse.

I tried to diet so many times and he would get angry at me for that too. He wanted dinners and desert every night. He believes all I needed to do was get up and go to the gym every morning and the weight would fall off. He used to say I should become an exercise bulimic. That it had nothing to do with food it was just my lack of activity.

To my credit I used to be very active when we first met. Pregnant took a real toll on my body and raising babies was exhausting. I like working out but it hard to make it a part of everyday life and I would honestly eat so much crap it just felt impossible to lose weight that way alone.

He always said it was just his way of looking out for my health. He wanted me to be active and healthy and sometimes I think- well maybe he was right. I am totally messed up right? I'm obese and I can't stop eating and I don't workout like I should. I could be much better to myself and he is just trying to give me a kick in the pants.

How tolerant are we supposed to be of our spouses actions towards us? How accepting are they supposed to be? Everyone has flaws- was it right of him to strong arm me to improve my life? Was he being abusive or just honest? Was it right of me to leave because he was trying to get me to lose weight and be healthier physically?

I started over the years to find I didn't agree with him about myself. I would find myself saying no to him in my head. I wasn't a failure, I wasn't lazy or weak. I was like most other moms with full time careers- coping with food a bit, having trouble finding time to workout. Most of the time I ate pretty healthy, I just had a weakness for sweets and I was tired a lot. I relied on sugar to keep me going. I didn't think I was a lazy pig. I felt like- just give me a break. One second of unconditional love inspite of me being fat. Just one time say I love you, no matter what. That never happened.

My ex keeps trying to get back together. He says he didn't mean the things he said, they came out wrong. He says I didn't give him enough sex and affection so that he had to be mean to me because he was sexually frustrated (we had sex 2-3 times or more a week) He says it was his job stress. He says he is sorry but never why he is sorry. Just that he was trying to help me.

Do you think I was in an abusive relationship? Or is that just how they are???

Because I've never been sure if it wasn't just how marriage is? Is that just how people act when another person lets them down by gaining weight?

Are there relationships where couples don't care about appearance so much? Would I be wrong to expect that he would have been kind about the weight I gained with my first pregnancy? Do you think I might meet someone who doesn't care about my appearance that much?

This has been on my mind a lot lately. He keeps trying to get back together and I feel so unsure because I wonder if in just being to hard on him. Maybe no one wants to be with someone who "let themselves go" although I never felt like I did that. I always dressed up nice for work and cared about my looks.

I'm feeling really confused today. Do ALL men care so much about weight??

Edited January 26, 2015 by bellabloom

[Countrygrrl 450]

It sounds like abuse to me. I'm currently doing therapy. Once I had the surgery my tolerance for unacceptable behavior became less than zero. I hadn't been bothered by it before. And now I don't have over eating to cover up with. Now I look and say watch your mouth or watch me pack. I'm not a guaranteed thing in not a possession. This is after less than a month. I even am making a single life fund. My ex loved me when my body was beautiful every time he would see me during my weight gain he would bring up how he should of married me. And how beautiful our kids would of been. Now he's married and I picked poorly.

[catdaddy 232]

I think any words that are said to hurt someone you are suppose to love is abuse. You can try to psychoanalyze why that person is the way he/she is but we aren't trained to do it. That said, there are truly kind and loving men out here that love the ground their lover walks on and could no more say a hurtful word than to kick a dog. You're wise to end what you had but you will go through times of doubt. Talk to a therapist and best of luck to you.

[esskay77 785]

Everything about what you wrote is completely abusive. THat is not normal. That is no ok. That is not acceptable in any way shape or form!!!! That is NOT how all men are and is not how marriage is. Especially to that extent. Of course there are arguments and problems but your husband was abusive with a capital A. Don't take hi back .Why would you want to be treated like that again? Of course he says he didn't mean it and it won't happen again. That is what ALL abusers say. You are better than that and deserve so much more than that!!!

[pupichupi 124]

NO!!! I know how it feels to be overweight and in a relationship that some of this stuff happens, it didn't go to this extreme, but it did get to the point of him cheating on me, which is also my kids father who had done this to me, to whom I also have 2 children with. I left him finally after my son was born. My son was only 5 months old when I just had enough, and my son is now going to be 10 in a little over a month. It was the best decision I had ever made for myself to leave him when I did. I didn't need the abuse I got from him about my weight and emotional abuse I got from him with him cheating on me, so I finally just had enough. I kicked him out and that was that, I think alot of heavier women have that same feeling that if they have children with a man that they need to stay with them, but it's not true. I realize that now. I was scared beyond belief when I left, I didn't want to be my mom a single mom, alone for the rest of my life? I met a man almost 3 years ago, and we are getting married now in 5 months. He met me when I was at my biggest and loved me then and loves me now too. This man that you were with does not deserve you, you deserve way better!!! He does the things he does to you because there is something in himself he isn't happy with. Just stay positive and you can do this.

[Tweety208 12]

I'm sorry you have had to go through that. Some part of you may still love him but you and your children deserve more. Love yourself, I know that's hard cause I have had to learn to love myself. I'm lucky to have found a man that loves me fat skinny or anywhere in between. He gets mad at me when I put myself down. I hope and pray that you find a man who can love you unconditionally. No matter what you look like.

[woo woo 872]

No its not normal in any way.

Run as fast as you can in the other direction.

Love doesn't hurt like that. Real love feels kind and warm.

Please do not take him back. Love yourself. You are worth so much more.

[Mommabird 367]

No, that's not how a loving marriage is.

When I met my husband, I weighed less than 100 pounds. Due to a hormonal disorder, I gained up to a high of 278. On a five foot body. Was everything always perfect? No. Sometimes he got angry at the cause of the weight gain and the fact that it seemed there was nothing we could do. He was there for me then and he's been there for me all through this RNY process. And he's my biggest cheerleader post-op. And I'm his. That's what a loving marriage is.

[highdesertblue 70]

@@bellabloom, if you still aren't convinced you are living in an abusive situation, I beg you to look up and read signs of abuse. Here is one web site; scroll down for a checklist http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

[Becoming Bariatrical 26]

A quote from RuPaul comes to mind...

"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

You have VALUE! He doesn't appreciate you!

You deserve respect, love, and happiness!

It's so easy to forget these things.