Support...Struggling to be supportive!

[ButterflyMiss 10]

Good evening all, im new here and not sure i posted in the right place but figured id give it a go, I really need some 'spousal support' here....im the fiance to be exact, however. I apOlogize in advance, as this will be long...My fiance had sleeve in November 2014, though I am extremely proud of him, as he is doing amazing and recovery went smoothly and all, despite him being down 92 pounds already, im having a lot of struggles and the pre and post-op stuff and its really effecting our relationship when it arises. When were good, were solid, when were bad, im more depressed than ever. To sum up the timeline; he struggled with the decision for surgery for about 2.5 yrs or so, basically since I had met him. Obviously his weight was no issue for me, ive struggled with my weight all of my life, as well. In fact, ive always been attracted to husky guys but he was the largest man i ever dated and i fell completely in love! I fell in love with him as a big man and love him regardless, its the changes and obsessions im concerned about (i'll get to that). Prior to his decision, we talked a lot about it and though i always told him if he chose to do so, id spport him, i was against it solely because in the time ive been with him, hes never seen anything through when it came to his weight, even though hed see great results! Prior to me meeting him, he did a medical weight loss program consisting mainly of shakes and lost about 110lbs, but gained it all back once he came off the shakes, coupled with some depression from a breakup and such. Post us meeting, i was about 25lbs smaller than i am now, which obviously bothers me, but again a struggle all my life...i was still however going to the gym, eating right, following tools from weight watchers etc. After some time of us being together, he would speak of wanting to lose weight, we talked about how having a buddy is helpful, etc, so id invite him to the gym with me, invite him to weight watcher meetings, etc. he would never come, so after a few weeks i figured he really wasnt into it and i stopped inviting. After some time, our relationship got more serious, i stopped getting to the gym as much bc wed want to spend more time togeher but that also equalled us going out to dinner more, staying in, being less active, etc. hence the start of my 25lb weight gain and him gaining more as well. With all of that being said.....he met with a surgeon in August/September and HE made a decision to have the surgery. He never spoke to me about it, as he had in the past, and when hed mention it wed fight bc id remind him that ill support it but i was worried he was having surgery and wished he would have at least talked to me before making the devision, and/or TRIED something first and seen it through;, tried the medical program again, a support type program like WW etc as he had previously done them and saw results but never saw them thru. I had reminded him i had gained weight since we met and i had begun working on that, maybe it was something we can try to do together before he decided on surgery. Initally he said no, then suddenly came home (he moved in with me in August, as well) one day and informed me he had joined weight watchers and was going to go to a group that week....i told him that was great and immediately took out all the materials i had previously gotten from family members that we could use (with the hope hed eventually want to try this route with me), picked up my food scale from my parents home, support guides, calculators, etc. and let him know i was all in for us to do it together. In addition, since we were now living together, i again began inviting him to the gym with me...nothing came of the gym or ww. After some time, little fights here and there about food, him effecting my eating habits, preventing me from going to the gym (id say i want to go after work, hed plan an activity or wanna go out to dinner, etc) and basically him binging all the time since he had made his decision, and my concerns for his health. Shortly thereafter again he returned home this time having went through with a new surgeon and now awaiting a surgery date. I was beyond devestated and angry! I felt he completely disregarded my concerns he knew of for him having this and even though i disagreed, its like he refused to even let me be part of his decision meanwhile i felt here i am trying to encourage you, in a different capacity, but encourage none the less BEFORE jumping to surgery. Not to mention, we now share bills but I was covering them all for about 4 months, as he is in debt and im not and i told him being i own my apartment and its my mortgage id carry that until were married and give him 3 mos before hed start paying his portion of monthly bills for the home,so he can try to pay off more debt first...he couldnt save money to pay help pay OUR bills but here he was setting up to have another bill for surgery, while were still paying off his eye surgery, student loan, car, etc in the midst of me carrying all of the household bills, saving for a wedding, etc and he makes significantly more money than me. Maybe financially this wasnt the time but we never even talked about it in definitive means, at all. Dont get me wrong, ive told him time and time agan, his weight was never an issue for me, but his health absolutely was! He is 30 yrs old with diabetes in his family and already on meds for high blood pressure. I digress....he chose the gastric sleeve and though i still disagreed with surgery, did feel it was his best option, which helped me a little...pre-op he was on a liquid diet for 2 weeks and lost 27lbs. I prepared everything for him, spent hours after work at night reading all of the materials from the doctors, etc. we'd fight, but moreover now bc i felt he didnt ask the doctor pertinent information, he rushed into a decision, hes gullable to begin with and i felt like he never told me anything unless i asked....i never even knew when his appointments were for all the pre testing! So, i joined an online forum and read endless at work, at home, when i couldnt sleep, etc. though i spoke to him about all of my concerns, he only seems to focus on my concern of him eventually no longer being attracted to me once hes skinny and feeling different about himself, since im not skinny and currently larger than when we met (minus 10lbs ive recently lost...im 5'0 170lbs, not huge but thick))...he doesnt seem to hear that one concern is more deep rooted and doesnt directly correlate to his surgery, but moreover some changes in him ive seen since he moved in with me and since he made a decision to have the surgery. Regardless, he believes what he will despite how i try to argue what my actual feeling/thought is. November came, i broke down the night before his surgery about not wanting him to go in, afraid he hasnt thought his through, wont wake up, wanted a quick fix, etc. His surgery thankfully went great, as did his recovery and he is now down 92lbs since November....i am extremely proud of him and think he looks great! Here are my concerns, one he has become obsessed with weighing himself daily. His attitude towards me has seemed to change completely as if i have no opinion on anything esp his new journey but it pours into household decisions, wedding plans, etc. he asks me my thoughts/feelings but then argues when im honest or he walks away. he cannot go a single day without mentioning how skinny he looks, his surgery, etc. im running out of responses wuthout being robotic or sarcastic. We walk in a store, he sees a mirror and stops or disengages bc hes looking at himself. we have countless convos about his food choices and when i try to make him realize Portion Control and helathier decisions is focus, not restriction he argues with me and we get in a huge fight, but when he eats something he considers bad or off diet (a food hes restricted or whatnot), he justifies it. He eats much of the same stuff and ive told him im concerned hell get bored and binge, hell argue me, then last week is complainiing hes bored of his food. He already obviously eats small portions and was up to about 6oz per sitting however went to the doctor today and because hes ahead of the game in his recovery, the doctor wants him to restrict more food and eat smaller portions yet intially told him kt was okay to increase if he felt hungry, but not if he felt satisfied. He is a big boned guy, built like a football player and very broad. I have grave conerns the his surgeon has convinced him to get to this magic number of 230lbs and not only do i think it is unhealthy but i also think hell be way too small. Not to mention, my fiances magic number went from 250 to now 220! I try to let him know theres no magic number, so long as he is happy, healthy and maintains his improvements in choices and such, its about him being comfortable, healthy and hapoy with himself, not a number on a chart! he argues me. Its like i cannot have an opinion on anything when it comes to this....every step of the way i feel he shuns me out, disregards my concerns etc. theres days i think he thinks i dont want him to be successful but its moreover i dont want him to be excessive and put weight back on, as he has time and time again, he has a trainer now, for 2 months after being cleared there was an issue with his training sessions, i told him lets still go to the gym together. He wouldnt, he relied on waiting on the trainer. He claimed hed go to the gym 6 days a week, i encourgaed him to start with 2-3 days and work to more or slowly Increase to keep himself with a goal thats attainable and maintable over time, fights break out. But yet he only goes to tge gym 2 maybe 3 times a week. Now, when we have days off together, we go to the gym together, he works with the trainer i dont, as we couldnt afford the trainer to begin with for one of us, let alone 2, so i told him he can do it. But i ask him to teach me things hes learning from the trainer or ask about stuff i can do (they know he comes to sessions with his fiance) and its like he purposely never wants to share with me. Many times, he makes comments like 'have that cookie for me', 'have some pizza for me'....its like he wants me to gain as he loses, sabotage me butne remains successful meanwhile he knows i struggle with weight loss to begin with, too. I tried to talk to him tonight, after he told me his doc wants him eating less and another fight broke out....he tells me 'its my freakin body' after i explained to him i was upset bc i feel like he asks why im upset but doesnt want to hear it and im upset bc im worried hes not necessarily being healthy if hes eating even less, considering he doesnt eat much because of the surgery. I tried telling bim that i understand its coming from a doctor but it also seems the doctor has an ideal weight for you that may not be individualized for you. He yelled at me and walked away. In the past ive tried explaining to him, at my smallest i was 19lbs above the american standard, but i looked sick and my family was ready to admit me for an eating disorder. Ive tried telling him that in my opinion, the standards do not take into consideration someones body type and how they carry their weight, its just a mathematical number. Ive told him that i really wish hed not focus on this magic number and focus on making healthy decisions and being active and how great i think he looks now, down almost 100lbs. He always starts a fight about it. Im beyond spent! I go to his support groups, when i can get there on time since its a 2-hour commute for me, from work....im one of the only people there as a support and they offer the support/spouses no support....so i go for him but i feel i have nowhere to take out my frustrations or talk about them. I truly believe in talking about things, or even fighting so long as theres resolution, being able to get things out rather than let things build up but he walks away from me.....when it comes to family and friends, i dont talk to them because i feel its 1- unfair to divulge his/our personal business and 2- unfair to let them know these struggles and how its effecting US because were engaged and i dont want anyone discouraging his weight loss or swaying us to rethink our marriage because of it. I absluetly feel we can work it out but im lost for what to do. I feel like i have nowhere to go, he wont talk to me or hear my concerns, he wont ask his doctors about my concerns just acts like their word is gold....so when he asks me why im upset and i try to tell him and it causes a fight, i later let him know you ask me but dont want to hear anything from me, you only seem truly concerned about what your doctor says and a degree doesnt make him anymore important than me. I tried telling him today, im not angry but what hurts and bothers me is he doesnt seem to care when he asks me, he asks to say he asked. Next to all of this, prior to him deciding on his surgery and having it, i began eating better and getting back to the gym. I suffer from a thyroid disease and ceased metabolism, and therfor struggle like crazy to lose weight and tone up. But of course, i easily gain. Regardless, i didnt have surgery so my weight loss will be muuuuuuch slower than his. He has never seemed to support me with losing weight and toning, but is quick to critisize my gym routine (i usually go 2-4 times a week...before he didnt care, now he contantly tells me i should go more), , i eat too little sometimes or no at all, etc. He knows ive been trying, making better decisions, encouraging him to stay on track etc, he will want to go get forzen yogurt, ill say no, hell convince me, then tell me im such a horrible support for him. He'll 'cheat' at home but in front of friends and family, eats like a bird, as if hes showing off but so far, will always eat later on when we get home! I have a feeling he told his doctor his eating has been worse than it actually has been bc some days hes very hard on himself and some days hes very reasonable and sees this is a process and journey and not every day will be great but it doesnt mean hes failing. I dont think his surgery entails him not eating. It entails him learning moderation and such, at least everything i read and have hard has said so. I shared with him one day MY excitement of how a coworker made a comment about me losing weight and looking 'brighter' and he got mad, telling me he tells me all the time....he has never once told me hes noticed ive lost weight, and ive now lost about 13lbs in total. In fact, its been quite some time since hes seemed to even notice me, period! I can walk past him naked and it doesnt phase him. I can tell him i lost another pound or 2, he barely responds to me. Ive explained these things to him, as well, as more examples of how things between US have changed since he moved in/made this decision and how the decision was going to effect us both but he never thought to include me in it. Our sex life is lacking completely, which again for me has been an issue that both coincide with, along with some 'personal' things i feel hed rather do than be intimate with me. He denies it all, tells me im crazy. Ive flat out asked him if hes cheated or is no longer interested in me or attracted to me, he denies it all and says its just natural changes bc were living together now. I dont disagree with that being partly the reason and i do not think hes cheating or trying to. I just am beyond broken lately and feel i have nowhere to go! I need help.....i dont know how to support something when 1- i disagreed with it being a first option, 2- i feel completly shut out and disregarded, 3- i feel it gets thrown in my face and only adds to criticism towards me, 4- seems to be consuming him and effecting our otherwise strong relationship, etc etc etc.

I know this is a novel....i just dont know what to do anymore! Im a therapist and although ive got a lot of tools in my arsenol, i dont have the slightest clue what to do anymore when it comes to this....i feel ive tried everything! Ive been supportive, bitchy, ignored, etc. nothing seems to improve anything and im growing more and more angry, sad, etc

Can anyone help, or recommend something?

Ohhh and lastly, i dont feel comfortable inquiring about a spousal support group with the surgical team/office he used, since it turns out the PA who performed his surgery with the doctor, is his friends ex-girlfriend....i dont fear shed be unprofessional, as it seems she has been since day one, but i just dont feel 100% comfortable, not to mention its a 2-hour commute for me.

Again, i apologize for the length....i hope someone can help or guide me! Thank you all for your time!

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I tried to read through most of this but found it difficult going. Paragraphs are our friends!

You asked, so here is what I think.

His journey is his journey and your journey is your journey. You can't control him anymore than he can control you.

Since you are engaged and living together I would suggest you consider individual counseling for yourself and couples pre-marital counseling together.

It's great that you are learning as much as you can about what he is going through.

You can be loving and supportive while respecting each other's boundaries.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

@@ButterflyMiss - You need couples counseling. From what I gather you have multiple issues to deal with. We are not therapist here. We are people at various stages of weight loss trying to support each other around that and your issues appear to run deeper than that. Get to a counselor. If he won't go, you go alone.

I wish we could help you, but your situation appears to go beyond the scope of what this forum is designed for.

[Sharon1964 2,530]

I agree with the others, there's a whole lot going on here and you need professional help.

The one thing I would NOT do is to get married with things the way they are now.

[mrs kaje 347]

You remind me of my husband. And this similar behaviour is precisely why I choose not to talk to him about my choice to have surgery. Sorry, but I think you need to back off a bit.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I read everything you typed. (Yes, in future use the return character to make MUCH shorter paragraphs -- those are hard to read.)

But girl, I hear you! Loud and clear!

And just so no one gets confused, I'm the one in our marriage who has had WLS. And my husband is the perfect model of a supportive spouse. So I'm not coming at this from any projection that you're in my situation. Because you're not.

Sweetheart, you are hooked up with a playah! And he is playing you like a violin.

He's played you for money. He's played you for support. And you're not even getting laid in return.

I will say one thing loud and clear. You better not marry this dude. I doubt you are perfect either (none of us is). But it's so clear to me that the two of you together are not really fighting about weight or eating or gym behavior -- his or yours. You are fighting about your needs to control each other.

And he's winning.

Worst of all, I find it TERRIBLE that while you're literally giving him a home and paying for all of that and while you're planning to marry this guy that you and he are not making your financial decisions together.

Get the hell out of there. Now.

(As always, these are my two cents. Others' mileage may vary.)

[mbrinmn 105]

It sounds like you have WAY more issues going on than just weight loss surgery. If you love him and really want to stay with him, I'd forget about the surgery and work on ALL the other stuff. While it does affect those around an individual, weight loss is a very personal struggle. Whether he's stuck with a program before or not is certainly not the problem. We've all been there and know how hard it is to lose weight through programs and that's why most of us are here. Weight loss surgery is not the be all to end all, but it is a more powerful tool than any of the programs out there. However, habits do have to change in a major way and I think weight loss surgery really helps you focus on making good, healthy changes. Sure people can gain the weight back after sleeve surgery, but that's what support, support groups, and nutritionists are all about. They are the tools that also should come along with this type of surgery.

That said, I still hear much more going on than just weight loss. Financial instability on his part, caretaking on your part, plus on both your parts it seems that there are some real trust and self esteem issues and what sounds like a lot of co-dependence. I think those are the things you really need to look and forget about agonizing over the surgery. He'll do it with or without your support; it's his body, after all.

I know you said you are a therapist, but sometimes you get too close to the situation and even though you know what's best according to your background and your studies, it's hard to follow. If you really want to stick in this relationship, which sounds like it has more disadvantages than real happiness, maybe you need to find couples counseling. I think that having a professional to talk to rather than try to think this all through will really help.

As far as the surgery goes. It's pretty neat and clean with little recovery time if there are no medical issues. People have been having "tummy tucks" for years and years. That's basically what the sleeve is, only they remove the part that's "tucked" instead of leaving it dormant in the body. He's going to have to make some serious changes in the way he sees and treats food, but the sleeve really helps with that. The limitations help remind you that you have to eat right.

However, this surgery can't make you happier and it can't make a relationship happier.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Make two lists: Concerning your relationship, What's in it for him? What's in it for you?

Instead of thinking "I love him, so why does he treat me this way?" start thinking "Why would I love someone who treats me this way?"

Why are you still there?

When your lease is up, move out and leave him there to deal with the landlord and sheriff. You make your own money and are supporting the both of you, even though he apparently does not contribute.

He needs someone he can control, and you need someone who values your opinions. He does not care about your health, but expects you to support his. It sounds like neither one of you is good for the other.

There is no good excuse to perpetuate a mistake. You don't need a marriage - you need distance. For all the inconvience involved in parting ways, the peace of mind is worth it.

(This comes from a woman who escaped from a diagnosed psych/sociopath in the middle of the night and spent some time in a women's shelter - I moved 300 miles away). My opinion may sound harsh, but life is too short to waste time with a jerk.

[ButterflyMiss 10]

Thanks for all of the responses and my apologies for lack of paragraphing!

Yes, the issues absolutely run deeper i agree, my concerns are that they all started when he moved in/made the surgery decision, so i guess i confuse myself on which was first and which is worse. I have attempted counseling with him and he will not go and i will be attending alone, regardless. Im awaiting a listing from my insurance company.

Though i do not think hes playing me, necessarily but yes there are days he absolutely needs to call the shots and days hes controlling-like. The surgery was a great thing for him and i completely understand him feeling better about himself and self esteem but how he relates to me is different.

But i think theres a lot of relevance in me backing off and I think I will try that approach in the interim of gaining neautral help. I will let him do whatever when it comes to his food, exercise, etc and i will do the same on my end.

[ButterflyMiss 10]

* Sorry, i meant days he needs to call the shots and days hes far from controlling, as very lax

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

* Sorry, i meant days he needs to call the shots and days hes far from controlling, as very lax

Please revisit the definition of "intermittent reinforcement."

[Tori Loukas 52]

I hope you do follow through with counseling on your own. It sounds like a lot of co-dependency and control issues going on, and little real love and sharing. That's not a judgment; rather it's only an observation on my part. As for him, I wouldn't marry him at this point--too much stuff going on for both of you. Also as for him, I don't know about you--many compulsive overeaters, whether they go through with WLS or not, have control issues. They often revolve around food, then other people. What the origins are for this kind of behavior is irrelevant; it's entirely up to YOU whether or not you want to continue tolerating it. Good luck to you! I wish you the best with or without him.

Remember, about him and his problems--not your circus, not your monkeys. Stop trying to help him-because what you're actually doing is enabling him to continue being the way he is. Concentrate on YOUR journey and let him have his. My humble opinion! Thanks.

[His Fairest 64]

Good morning,

Maybe you should read what you wrote from an outsiders perspective. If you read all of that, but it was about a friend or a stranger, what would your advice be?

Marriage only magnifies problems. If you're having this much trouble now -- it will certainly get way worse when you're married.

I hate saying that, but I've lived it. I've been divorced from it now for almost 12 years and it still haunts me and my daughters daily.

It is much better to realize this now instead of after you two have a marriage/family.

I'm saying this out of some hard-earned wisdom: get some serious relationship help now or get out.

I handle life with prayer. I'm praying for your situation today.

-Melissa

[Tori Loukas 52]

• Oh! One more thing, sorry~~ of course how he relates to you is different. He's not just shrinking in size, after WLS he is changing emotionally as well. I know for a fact that I am becoming a new person~ the person that was buried under mounds of fat and obsessive unhealthy behaviors. Be aware that there will be changes, some will be major. It's akin to an alcoholic getting sobriety. I don't know if he is working on the inner issues that got him to his highest weight or not, and there's no way to know, not even for you. It's a highly personal journey and not really your business....sorry. But be prepared for changes. Whether or not the relationship will survive the changes has yet to be determined. Meanwhile, like I said above, I highly suggest you return the focus to yourself and keep it there.

[Sharon1964 2,530]

I have attempted counseling with him and he will not go and i will be attending alone, regardless. Im awaiting a listing from my insurance company.

I would be surprised if the list was not available online. There should be no reason to wait.