Support...Struggling to be supportive!

[Stevehud 1,790]

no one is qualified to make any decisions about your situation except you. Ill give you some things from a man's perspective. I had my sleeve in December. thanks to my pre-op diet and the surgery im down from 362 to 292. every morning i look in the mirror to see the changes because when other people saw them first my eyes didn't see them, but now that I do, its fun to revel in it a little because i never could before.

Its kind of a man thing maybe, like the male peacock we have an instinctual need to show off to someone. Every day my wife hugs me and says how proud she is of me and how good i look and how well im doing, but she also reminds me she loves me at any weight, as you have said as well. It is, i have found, important to me to have the positive reinforcement on a daily basis, my wife, my friends my coworkers all do it and it helps me reestablish my goals and my resolve to get through the boring meals and such. Now this is me, I cannot emphasize that enough. My wife who is not obese per se, she is 5 6 and weighs 190 but has lost 15 pounds by eating healthier etc and she goes to the gym with me and we have made weight loss a part of OUR lives not just my life. I think this really helps us. A big side effect is how much we save by not eating out etc.

Now some of what you have said does make me think that if it were me in your man's shoes, I would see someone in psych to help with why I'm not able to adjust to the lifestyle changes. I wouldn't blame the doctor either, you never know what your man is saying to them to elicit the responses they are getting or even if what he says is accurate or just what he wants to hear. I wouldn't worry about him being too small at 220 pounds unless he is 6 foot 7 or above thats not a bad weight. Now I am 5 foot 8 and my surgeons goal weight is 170 which made me laugh at first but now I'm all into it. If you are afraid you won't love him being thin, then the problem is not him being thin, it with you not being able to love a thin person. Now this is just my opinion.

Good luck to you both, I hope it all works out for you.

[ButterflyMiss 10]

Again, I NEVER tried to convince him, asked him or even alluded to me trying to tell him not to have his surgery.

The adjustments have nothing to do with him being heavy or thin, either. I have no issue with him losing weight nor is that something that will make me love him any less.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I was in a live in long term relationship at the time of my sleeve. My partner was supportive in the sense that he drove me to appointments, never tried to talk me out of it and never sabatoged me. However, I had lost 125# and I finally asked him if he had noticed me looking better. Yep, he had paid nary a compliment. What was really going on was we had been "broken up" for awhile but i was so lost in the fog of my illness that I didn't really get it.

I could have really benefited from my partner being able to compliment, cheer me on and comfort me but he wasn't able. It was lonely in some ways but i have a lot of friends and great work colleagues who filled the gap.

I feel like people who say things like "I wish the person had just tried harder without surgery" actually have no idea what it is like to reach the helpless zone regarding managing obesity. I simply could not do it without surgery and even with, it it has not been totally easy.

On the looking in the mirror alot etc - I don't know, he could really be going through a big headspace change and struggling with it. Those things seem like temporary adjustments... annoyances. I weigh daily to keep myself accountable - otherwise I start regaining so I don't see that as obsessive.

One thing I know about relationships, they don't work out well if they are somehow competitive or advserial.

[ButterflyMiss 10]

Touche' about the 'i wish' comment I made. I mean I struggle with my weight too my entire life, but youre right, not to the degree he did. At his request, I go to appointments when he wants. I do attend his bi-weekly support groups with him, as he asks me to. I do respond positive to his compliments about himself or when he breaks out his old, smaller clothes, etc.

[Rogofulm 2,440]

Wow – I'm exhausted reading all this! I'll preface my thoughts by saying that my journey may be different than some others. I'm somewhat obsessive about staying on track and reaching my goal as quickly as possible, and then figuring out the rest of the journey from that new place. Some insights from the weight-loss battlefield:

• Weight loss surgery and its aftermath are very personal, very selfish things. (Sorry, but it's true.) In order to succeed, we need to put our priorities first – at least where our eating habits are concerned.
• That being said, we crave the affirmations and really appreciate all the nice comments. Again, it's selfish, but that's part of what keeps us going.
• If we're doing well, we look in the mirror – a lot. It's part of our reinforcement. I don't think we'll all end up being narcissists, but for now we are very self-focused.
• As a result, we talk about our journey – again, a lot. The hope is that one day we will be at a place where the novelty will wear off, and it's just the way we live now. Then finally we can shut up about it.
• We hope our significant others and close friends can keep their eye-rolling to themselves and just tell us we look great, because their "constructive" input is not really relevant at the moment. But our doctor's is.
• I'm on the scale 2-3 times a day. I don't get upset when I don't lose because I understand it, but I'm aiming for a goal weight and the scale helps keep me on track.
• My goal is a reasonable, healthy goal, according to my doctor. My wife and mother wish I would stop losing now. I just say "thank you", and keep going. Again, my doctor, the bariatric surgeon, has approved my goal.
• And finally, I really appreciate the wonderful support my wife has given me from day-one to now.

Okay, those are the precursors to my thoughts about your particular situation. Hopefully you see that from the weight loss perspective, I can put myself into your fiancee's shoes. I understand his situation and his perspective. And, as others have caveated, I'm in no way a qualified counselor or therapist; just a married guy who's going through the same process as your fiancee. So, with that being said....

• If you're characterizing it all fairly, it sounds like he's being a real prick. He's shutting you out completely and actively sabotaging your own weight loss efforts.
• When he makes bad choices, he doesn't want them pointed out, but he does want affirmation when he makes good ones. I get that, but he has to take some responsibility for the bad ones too.
• This process can feel threatening to our significant others. Those of us who are changing, physically and emotionally, have a responsibility to keep reinforcing to those who are affected by our journey (and supporting us along the way), that we love them and find them attractive.
• He's using you for emotional and financial support, and, again if you're giving us the whole story, he's providing you absolutely nothing in return.
• Do not, repeat, DO NOT marry this guy without going through some serious counseling. I'm a big proponent of pre-nuptial counseling anyway, and your story sounds like a really bad start to a life together.
• And, as others have suggested, I think you'd be well served to stop living together.

I just had a crazy thought... In fear of acting like a therapist myself, what if you showed him what you've written here and asked him to write up what his response would be? (No talking/fighting about it out loud – it has to be on paper so he has time to think about it first.) You could combine your segments into one concise, cohesive document that would thoughtfully communicate your feelings and perspective. Might he go for that? Ummm.... Maybe you'd better run this idea by a real counselor first, though.

If all this leads to a break up, accept it as a good thing in your life. Again, if your story is not one-sided, it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

We all wish you the best of luck in resolving this dilemma. But please, do think of yourself and your needs – that's what he's doing.

[Eclectick 129]

@@ButterflyMiss If you were having issues prior to surgery, then perhaps the problem is not the surgery..could it be that you both are walking different paths? If you say your not angry and not trying to control him...that is what he thinks when you tell him he NEEDS to tell you what he is doing or he NEEDS to give you the emotions that YOU need. You say your supporting him but it seems your going against him by KEEP rubbing in his face (theoretically) that you are certain his feelings have changed for you since surgery.

Is that your way of saying YOUR feelings have changed, I mean look at the bigger picture..you made mention that you paid all the bills while he was recovering, he has loans/payments due out the wazoo and you were upset that he incorporated another bill with the surgery. I think/believe it could be you that maybe you feel used and now you think negative because his attitude has changed since surgery..maybe your looking for a scape goat.

According to everything you say, that you may not see...sounds to me like your TRYING to control him out of love but going about it the wrong way with (nagging). Take a few steps back, learn to listen and watch instead of talk...relax and don't sweat the small stuff!!

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

You say you want specific action items and every response to your post includes some very specific suggestions. It sounds like you are taking positive steps by seeing a counselor.

As far a specifics related to WLS, you have also been given lots of great advice. I would reiterate and expand on what I said in my first post: learn as much as you can about the process (ie, reading, attending support groups, etc.), focus on yourself and your own journey/actions, and consider pre-marital counseling.

[JamieLogical 8,708]

I think maybe you are trying too hard to be involved and be supportive. Being on the opposite end of this (I was the one who had surgery), I can say that I wanted my husband to be accepting, but not necessarily INVOLVED in my decision to have surgery and my weight loss journey thereafter. Like your fiance, I had successfully lost weight many times throughout my relationship with my husband and his first reaction when I told him I was considering surgery was to say I didn't need it, because he thought I could do it on my own. He was disappointed, because he felt like I was "giving up". And he honestly lost a little respect for me, because he always felt I was a very strong and determined person.

While I was sad to think I was letting him down in some way, I could only do what I thought was best for me. I love that he saw me as a strong person, and I do still believe I am a strong person, but my inability to maintain weight loss was simply not something I could overcome on my own. While my husband knows me better than anyone else in the world, he doesn't know me better than I know myself. And I knew that while I was capable of losing weight on my own, after so many failed attempts to maintain weight loss, I needed to do something that would make maintenance realistically possible for me.

Beyond the initial decision to have the surgery and the help I would need with recovery, I didn't want my husband very involved. It's something I decided to do for myself and I was perfectly content to do all the research and find support for myself. I like that my husband is fairly removed from the situation. We eat dinners together (he's the cook) and we go grocery shopping together and he is vaguely aware of my nutrition requirements, but he leaves it all up to me to make sure I'm eating enough, getting the right nutrients, and taking all my Vitamins and whatnot. He's not my mom. I'm a grown up and I can take care of myself.

I think you need to respect that your fiance is an adult and he made a decision for himself and that it's up to him to follow through on that himself. You don't need to worry about whether he's eating enough or what he's eating or if he'll regain the weight. By doing that, you are probably encroaching on his very personal journey and probably coming across as a little naggy.

I'm not saying don't take an interest at all, I'm just saying that maybe you should remove yourself from the situation somewhat.

I don't attend support group meetings, but if I did, I would definitely NOT want my husband to go with me. I would want to share that experience with other WLS patients who knew why I did what I did and exactly what I was feeling. I would be self-conscious about talking about my weightloss issues in front of my husband. He can never fully understand my journey, because he's never been in my situation. Even if he lives with me every day and shares his life with me. He can support me without understanding me. And that's what I suggest you do. Take a step back. Be supportive, but not intrusive.

[scstxrn 213]

I feel so accomplished - I read through everything! Even the responses. So far as being supportive - You sound pretty supportive to me.

You're a therapist? I'm in mental health too... and I don't know if you've gotten yet that self care has to come first.... Heck, some days I'm not sure if I have gotten that yet. Dealing with other people's junk all day can push us to the point where we think pretty abnormal is 'normal'. What you describe ain't normal.

I was sleeved about 6 weeks ago. My husband was not objecting to it really, but not the most supportive partner either. My husband is now planning a sleeve. Let's just say our personalities are different. He asked me to line things up for him, I've started him on Vitamins to correct a few deficiencies that showed up in his blood work and increased Protein, decreased carbohydrate in prep for his meeting with his surgeon, which he had me schedule. My husband is my fifth child sometimes - but when it comes to medical things, he prefers it that way and I tolerate it.

I'm going to share a few different categories of things - you can use the title to see if you want to read the whole list:

Things I've learned about weight loss surgery.

1. Most people who have it are usually successful on a diet but have trouble maintaining.

2. One of the things they screen for in terms of the psychology work up is making sure you're selfish enough to take time to ensure you have/get/do what you need... for people who ALWAYS put others first, the self care required after surgery is unbearable and they tend to have more complications.

3. It has turned me into a scale, food, appearance obsessed narcissist. I actively try to suppress this because I don't want to upset the people around me.. but it is a fact. I obsess what I put in my mouth, my kids mouths, what my husband puts in his mouth.. just not out loud. I'm hoping this is temporary; as I have less to worry about what I eat, I worry less about what they eat.

Things I've learned about people.

1. There is a difference in a caregiver and a caretaker... I was once categorized as a care taker, and I think perhaps you are on my side of the line we can call our team, "I have the answers... why won't you just listen?!"

2. And the answer to that question... Because they don't really want my answers... they want to come up with their own. Weight watchers, the gym, a trainer... whatever works for you - he isn't listening because he didn't ask you how to lose weight, what you say is he told you he was ready to do something about his weight.

3. They think I am a know it all who doesn't hear them. Until they come up with the same answers, and then they're like - well, I should have just listened to you.

Age... maturity... wisdom... ADD medication? Has helped me temper the impulse to blurt the answer, whether someone asks me or not.

Things I've learned about marriage.

1. A selfish person does not get any less selfish.

2. The work load just gets heavier, it doesn't get distributed more equally. What you're describing is a 90/10 split. Maybe you can carry your part now... but what about when that part gets more involved?

3. Men do not change. Boring stays boring, lazy stays lazy, spendthrift stays spendthrift.

In reading your post - and many responses - it reads like you're paying him to stay with you. In my experience, he will get more expensive and you will get less value for your money. When you need him, he will not be there.

Things I've learned about sleeves and marriage:

Back to me and my husband. At first he was adamantly against surgery. Then he was ok whatever with surgery for me but remained adamantly against it for himself. Then that darling man kept complaining about his weight. And I said, "If you want the sleeve I'll be happy to support you in that."

For you, however - you said that makes an automatic negative reaction. How is that any different than when he said, "I want to do something about my weight" and you said, "Do weight watchers like me." or "Go to the gym with me." He's hearing "I'm not happy with my weight" and saying "Get a sleeve like me."

I finally told my husband, and meant it, "Baby - I love you. 200 lbs, 400 lbs, great hair or bald, sickness or health.. Yes, I think you need to lose weight. For blood pressure, for pain control, for inflammatory control - I think you need to do something about it. I will walk with you. I will cook whatever meal plan it is you want to follow..but if you're not going to watch your intake, I'm not going to listen to your weight shit. "

For the record - I only tell him what I've lost if he asks... just like everyone else, and I don't bitch about what I have to eat or don't get to eat.

His surgery consultation is a week from Tuesday. And I swear I will not eat solid food in front of him while he's on liquids and mushies.

So if you've made it to the end of my post - I second and third, you yourself need a therapist. It's amazing how much you know in your brain but don't apply in your life until one of your colleagues gently (or sometimes not so gently) points out to you that you really ought to not lay at other people's feet if you're going to get upset when they walk all over you.... or that if you feel like people aren't listening, maybe you should stop giving away your words.

I also personally and professionally think you need to have him move back into his own place and pay his own bills. He's not saving up for a future with you.

After he moves out, I'd consider couples counseling - if he suggests it.

A successful marriage requires work; if he isn't putting work forward before the marriage - it's probably less painful to just let the relationship die a quick death than 10 years from now when you're giving him half your house, paying off joint bills he ran up, and he's got your kids every other weekend and holiday and half the summer... and he's poor mouthing because he's 2 grand behind in child support.

[drmeow 323]

<<I was trying to give everyone a full picture of what I'm going through, in my eyes/mind. My struggle is solely that its getting harder and harder for me to support this and be supportive to him, when he is quickly becoming cold and callous towards me. Like I said, this is not solely about his WLS as some started when he moved in and that I will deal with 1:1 with a therapist. I'm simply here to TRY to further understand what I can do, if anything, and how to do it.>>

I think everyone here has given you a lot of good advice and you don't seem to want the answers.

1) this is HIS journey and you have no business trying to advise him what to do or what to eat. If he asks your advice on something, you can offer your opinion; otherwise, stay out of it.

2) Your weight loss and his have nothing to do with each other, except that you both possibly eat for emotional reasons and since you are not getting the emotional support from each other that you want, you may use food to blunt those feelings. You both probably need to be seeing a therapist to deal with that, alone.

3) Neither of you seem to be getting your emotional needs met; why would you want to marry and make this permanent?

You do seem to want to control things. I'm not criticizing you; I have been through this for the last 24 years of a bad marriage. I ignored all the problems in my rush to get married. Now I'm getting divorced but it took gaining 100 lbs and 2 years of my own therapy to get to this point. I have many things from my childhood that impacted my relationships with others and I did not realize for a long time that I had subconsciously chosen a clone of my cold, distant alcoholic father. yeah, psychobabble but it's true. I tried to control so many things in my life b/c I could not control whether my husband (or my father before that) loved me. food was my control item and also my anesthesia to numb those feelings.

I think couples therapy is great, but only after both of you work on yourselves alone. My husband and I did some therapy together and it was great at first but it was a bandaid. As soon as we delved below the surface, he bailed and wouldn't work on anything serious.

Now is the time to love yourself, before loving anyone else. Have him move out and get his own finances in order and his weight loss, work on yourself and then see if there is anything there besides food holding you together.

[marbelvsg 132]

Would you consider making a list of three non-negotiables you need in terms of support from your fiancé and asking him to do the same? Then you could discuss it together and maybe have a better understanding of how to help each other. Sometimes we want to help our loved ones, but the way that we go about it is not a way in which they need it or can receive it. A dialogue about how you can be a support for him (and vice versa) might be all you need to open your lines of communication.

On a separate note, I would like to address your financial situation. I know that you did not ask for our opinions on that, but I feel as though I have a responsibility to comment. In your story, i heard a lot about myself. I was married to (and am now divorced from) someone who I supported financially. We lived together before we were married and it started then. He had horrible credit and mine was great. I helped him pay off student loans, buy a car and further his education. I kept thinking that things would change. The more I tried to keep up with our bills, the more he spent. I left our marriage two years into it with over $100,000 of debt (most of which I never knew he had charged). In retrospect, I saw the signs before we were married and ignored them. I am urging you to look at the whole picture. We don't know your relationship; only you do. "To thy own self be true."

I wish you and your fiancé the best of luck.

[Folly 308]

I read through most of that. It's hard to be with someone on this journey...we get a little self absorbed at times. The controlling stuff happens, too. He seems to be handling himself and his own needs in spite of you. I have to ask if you're projecting food, weight, sex and emotional issues of yours onto him?

I don't think it's fair to comment on the play-by-play stuff of what happens to bring so many unhappy momemts between you two because your perspective may be different than mine but I will suggest you talk to someone in AlAnon. Perhaps you can get some perspective and distance (and autonomy) from the destructive/dysfunctional emotional mess if you stop trying to manage him, his weight and his food addiction.... maybe spend that energy on yours and see if that helps.

Peace

[Tori Loukas 52]

AL~ANON!! What a GREAT idea, Folly! Why on earth didn't I think of that?

Edited January 24, 2015 by Tori Loukas

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

AL~ANON!! What a GREAT idea, Folly! Why on earth didn't I think of that?

I attend Codependents Anonymous. CODA.org. I find it very beneficial.

[Tired_of_being_Tired 28]

Wow! This was a long one...

I could only give my opinion so here it is. Unless you have had WLS, you will never truly understand exactly what your fiance` is going through - no matter how supportive you try to be. I have a very supportive loving boyfriend and although he is wonderful, there are somethings he will never understand because it's something I am going through. With that said, you really need to get pass the whole (he didn't bother taking into consideration the way you felt about the surgery) because his mind was made up and it was decision he alone could make for himself.

I agree with everyone when they say there is a bigger issue here with you and your finance` and I believe it's probably deeper then you even know. If you feel unappreciated or taken for granted only you can change that. I would say let him enjoy this journey of his, but stay on track with your own journey and don't lose yourself because of what he is going through. You have to be happy with "you" first before you can be happy with anything or anyone else in your life.

Consider this a blessing in disguise that this is all happening before you got married. Hopefully you understand getting married will not fix any of these problems because marriage brings in it's own new set of problems. Sometimes we need to take a step back, take some time apart to really see the "big picture" See if this is still what you really want. Time will tell if this is something he still wants as well.

We are all outsiders looking in and listening to only your side of the story. He may have a different story entirely and probably does. There's always two sides to every story. You need to do what you feel is right for you. He took a step and had the surgery because he felt that was right for him. Whatever decision you make, I wish you the best and will pray that the Lord help you both through this.