My Story + No Support From Wife

[BA-Fan 5]

First post here (I apologize for the length) so please bear with me. I have thought about WLS for 4.5 to 5 years now. In mid-2010, I went on a medically supervised WL program and over the course of 18 or so months, lost from 412.5 to 300.5 pounds by dieting and exercise (walking). At this point, I developed a very painful sciatic nerve flare up and had to quit walking. Also around this time, the program that I was on changed drastically (on the medical side) and I dropped out, lost my focus on dieting, and by early 2014 had regained around 70 pounds. I realized something had to change, and in early 2014 went to a WLS seminar and decided that VSG was right for me. It took me a while to get my nerve up to call the surgeon's office for an appointment, but I had my initial appointment with him in August 2014. The surgeon wanted me to lose 15-20 pounds (which I have lost about 10 or so). Also, my insurance wanted me to have 3-4 consecutive monthly visits with a Dr.'s office to weigh in for approval purposes. This has recently been completed and my PCP has written a letter of medical necessity to the surgeon. I have been in contact with my surgeon's office and advised them that I'm going to need another 4-6 weeks to try to lose the weight that he wanted me to lose. I had another flare up of my sciatic nerve over the Christmas holiday and it is slowly getting better, but I'm still not back to my usual walking routine. Another reason I'm delaying making the surgeon appointment is that I would like to join a gym and start exercising more than just walking. I would like to be in full exercise mode prior to the surgery so that I can hit the ground running immediately after I'm cleared to exercise post-op.

The only discussions that I've had with my wife about the surgery is that I told her that I scheduled an initial consultation and I discussed with her what the Dr. said during my initial visit when I got home. She does not support my decision to have the surgery and is opposed to it. She is also obese and doesn't want to make any changes in her lifestyle. I find it difficult to talk to my wife about a lot of things, WLS is just one of the many.

I know I need to do this for myself and my health due to a number of comorbidities that I currently have. I'm still frustrated and apprehensive over the WLS surgery and the changes that I know that I'll need to make in my life for it to be successful. I do think about the surgery almost all the time and what my life could be like 125 to 150 poounds lighter. There is a support group 3 or 4 miles from where I work that I have not attended due to the time of the day that it is held. Are there any suggestions or words of encouragement that I can solicit from the forum users?

Thanks in advance!

[Kathy812 794]

@@BA-Fan, welcome to bariatric pal! You've joined a great support group. First of all let me compliment you on taking the first step in making the best decision of your life. Because, I truly believe for those of us who have lost & gained weight repeatedly, this surgery is truly a gift. A chance at a better quality of life.

I am so sorry your wife is not supportive, if you have this surgery, it's iimportant to have a support team. Have you ever thought of counseling with your wife? Maybe she's just scared if you lose the weight you may leave her, or she's scared something may happen during surgery ( which by the way, the risks are very low). Whatever the reason, I hope you guys can work through it.

I won't tell you to have the surgery, because it's a personal decision. But I will tell you that you'll find hundreds of people on this site who will tell you we have no regrets and you have our support.

Wishing you the best.

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

@@BA-Fan

Sorry to hear about you're situation. For me it was about saving and prolonging my life. I had to make a decision before it was too late. I don't take my life or health for granted.

Some things to think about:

Would it be worse for you're wife to be in the situation to deal with you're death and figuring out life on her own?

OR Would it be easier for her to be uncomfortable with you're decision..and who knows she might be inspired to change.

Anyway..my two cents for what ever that's worth:)

Jenn

[mrs kaje 347]

I am in the same boat - I have no support from my husband, he thinks the surgery is "stupid". My initial consult is in a few weeks, so I guess the next he'll hear of it is that I have a surgery date, then I'm happy not to talk about it until "Hey, I need a lift to the hospital"!

I would get in touch with the support group and let them know you would be interested in any potential out of hours meetings/groups, and maybe also check whether any of the current members do meet up after hours where you could join them. Surely there are other people that daytime meetings don't suit - I know it wouldn't suit me at all, either.

Don't delay your appointment just so you can get in better shape (unless the surgeon requires it); why drag it out? You'll possibly find it easier to get into heavier exercising once you've dropped a bit of weight, anyway.

[BA-Fan 5]

I've got a lift to the hospital. My elderly parents have said they would drive down here (about 2.5 hours from where they live) to either take me and/or be with me at the hospital, even staying in a hotel for a few days because my wife and Mom don't get along. We've got 2 sons, one in middle school and the other a sophomore in college that I would like to be around for as they grow older.

[BeagleLover 1,020]

I applaud your wanting to make this change. I agree with @mrskaje. It's best to let sciatica calm down first before exercising or you risk making it worse. During that time off, you could get things rolling with the surgeon. Once you've been sleeved and lost weight, it's much easier to move around.

Sorry to hear that your wife is not supportive. I would continue getting support here, and if you want some more face-to-face support, I suggest checking with other hospitals. Maybe they have a support group with better hours. You very well could be a role model for your wife. Having said that, it would still be her decision whether or not she would want to get surgery.

[nursmate2 40]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I am one of the lucky ones. I had my sleeve on Oct 20th and my spouse had Roux en Y on November 5, so we are doing it together. I would speak honestly with your wife and encourage her to express her fears and why she is opposed. Be well and remember we are all here to support you!

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

What a challenging situation. I hope you go through with the surgery. My advise is just don't talk about it with her. Keep it to the basics. let her know when you have medical appointments and let her know your surgery date. Be prepared to do your own shopping and arrange your own ride home. Most of all do not become a healthy living proselyte. Her weight loss journey has to be hers and hers alone.

Contact the local support group meeting and see if there re any alternatives. If not perhaps arrange your affairs to make a meeting at least once a month. Come here and visit.

Now this: I was your size and my surgical course has been completely pain free and uneventful. There are many other like myself.

I hope you go through with it and I wish you well.

[BA-Fan 5]

I don't really think the wife would be a good support partner. Our two sons may be a better help for me. The oldest, a college student, has had Type 1 diabetes since middle school so we're familiar in our household with counting carbs.

I've never joined a gym before and don't know anything about how to use any of the equipment or what I should be doing. The only things I've ever used before are a treadmill and stationary bike. Any suggestions on what to get started with whenever I do take the plunge and join the gym?

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

@@BA-Fan - Try for low impact. If they have a pool Water aerobics is wonderful. The elliptical may be good for you as well since you can do that seated. I researched my gym online because I find that they tend to oversell when people walk in. Any good gym will have staff that can assist you with the machines whether you buy a personal trainer package or not.

[DevilAngela13 14]

Welcome, BA.... I promise you lots of support here. You have to make this decision for yourself. I too want to be here for myself and my children..and God willing Grandchildren. I have sciatic issues myself. My spinal doctor explained to walk, and use stationery bike and light weights for upper body. We will have a different way of balancing ourselves as the weight comes off, and those of us with lordosis problems from the weight....we need to be careful not to put too much stress on the discs. The added weight right now is enough. I know you will do what is right for you. But I have to ask. ...did you ever think your wife is scared?

[BA-Fan 5]

But I have to ask. ...did you ever think your wife is scared?

No, she's mostly just hateful. I understand the risks and the rewards, but like I said, it is difficult for me to speak with her about a number of things because she is so closed-minded and opinionated.

[Jersrose43 837]

I don't really think the wife would be a good support partner. Our two sons may be a better help for me. The oldest, a college student, has had Type 1 diabetes since middle school so we're familiar in our household with counting carbs.

I've never joined a gym before and don't know anything about how to use any of the equipment or what I should be doing. The only things I've ever used before are a treadmill and stationary bike. Any suggestions on what to get started with whenever I do take the plunge and join the gym?

The gym my hubby joined offers private trainers. When you first join you get 1 visit with them at no charge. They come up with a plan of what goals you want to hit and show you what excercises and machines you need

They're always around to show you how to use them

Hubby lost his 100plu pounds on his own. When he plateaud he paid for 10 private trainer sessions and lost the remaining 50. I on the other hand tried the same route lost 20 put on 10. You know....

I was sleeved in June 2014. I wish you the best of luck.

I would recommend talking to your wife about her concerns. Then if they're related to the possible complications - take her to a seminar.

Irregardless make sure you tell her that you love her, it's about you, that this in no way affects her choices to remain as she is.

Then take it one day at a time. Be careful that she isn't so against it she sabotages any weight loss. I have a friend whose hubby sounds like your wife and he does all the cooking. It's been a difficult 4 months for her.

[Tori Loukas 52]

• Wow. I hemmed and hawed on my surgery for seven years due to fear. I was able to overcome it finally, and my surgeon and his office stuck by me all those years, much to their credit. I had my surgery this past September and it is the best thing I have ever done for myself, physically AND emotionally. I was and remain very blessed that I always have had great support from family and friends. I think you've gotten some great advice and support right here and that it'd be great for you to continue with that. My only comment to add is that you need to do this for yourself---for your very life, physical and emotional health----NOT for anyone else--whether to inspire them or survive for them in their futures. Your wife's weight and health is HER journey. If you can't get anything positive from her about this, don't try to get it from her. She is riddled with fear about it and that's not your problem. The advice above about seeking counseling is great, I feel. Regardless of whether that happens or not, you need to save your life. Get in touch with the local support and seek alternatives too---it's so important! Get on a hard-target search for support, it is there if you look for it in earnest.
• Lastly---don't delay your weight loss pre-surgery for joining a gym, etcetera. I delayed my weight loss for so long, and it was made up with excuses because of fear and apprehension. I'm not saying one way or the other that this is true in your case--I don't know.....but call yourself out on your delaying if that is what it's really about. You don't need to get into an exercise regimen pre-surgery if that means you have to wait. I lost my pre-surgery weight without exercising at all---I couldn't, because of bad arthritis in my knees. It will be easier for you and there will be plenty of time to establish a routine after surgery and some initial weight loss.

CONGRATULATIONS on your moving towards surgery---best of luck to you on this wonderful journey!

[Justoperated 141]

I had no support at all from my family, everyone was opposed to the idea and everyone tried to convince me to change my mind. I was slef pay, and due to all the ngative opinions I got I did not even tell my family of my surgery date, but I was positive that they will help if I do get operated.

I told them the night before that I am going for surgery tomorrow.

However, they were all there to help after the surgery and have been supportive since then.

I don't know if your wife will be supportive once its done, but youhave got your parents and son to count on.