"Fat Acceptance" Did Me No Favors - Meandering thoughts about my psych eval

[Sharon1964 2,530]

So I posted about my colonoscopy from earlier this week. The day before the colonoscopy, I had my psych eval. These are some of the things that we talked about during my psych eval.

Ever since I decided that "enough was enough" and I wanted to have WLS, back in November 2014, my right eyelid has been twitching. Almost constantly. It drives me crazy, but it's what happens to me when I'm stressed. I couldn't figure out what I was stressed about, but I figured it had something to do with my decision to have WLS. I have spent a lot of time since that decision really exploring my past and how I got to where I am.

I looked at pictures of my childhood, and saw that during the time my father was telling me I had to diet because I was too big, I was actually normal. I was shocked. I was shocked at how much one person could really screw you up. I thought about all of the things he did over the years, and the things that brought me to cut him off about 10 years ago and stop all contact. He is a mean, toxic person and is no longer in my life.

I also thought about the time in high school when I weighed 195 (I'm 5 ft 7 inches tall) and thinking, "well, it's okay, because I'm not 200 pounds." I remembered in my early 20's weighing 281 pounds and thinking, "well, it's okay, because I'll never weigh 300 pounds." Now all through this time period, I was still dieting, losing weight, then regaining weight when I couldn't keep up with the demands of the diet. But hey, it was okay, because I wasn't XXX pounds, right?

Then in my early 30's, I got serious (or thought I did), and dieted down to 225. I married someone who liked big women and was not supportive in my efforts to lose weight. Two years later, at 350 pounds, I got pregnant. When our daughter was two years old I left him. I continued to struggle with weight. About 5 years ago, I got on the scale and it read 397. I was shocked. There was no way in hell that I was going to let the scale read 400. I went back to my go-to plan, Atkins. I lost 75 pounds. But I couldn't keep it up, I was still emotionally eating and eating out of boredom.

But hey, it was okay, because I have tons of clothes (thank you, internet shopping), boots that fit my fat calves, and even tights that fit. There was nothing wrong with being a BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, because that's what I was hearing all over the place. Accept who you are! Accept your size! That's the message I was hearing.

People couldn't believe that I was 50 years old. They would say, "you have no wrinkles" and I would respond, "that's because I'm fat - only skinny people have wrinkles." And they would laugh and I would laugh. Because it was okay to be fat, right?

In November 2014 I got on a scale and it said 403. I felt sick to my stomach. I did some soul searching. I decided to stop kidding myself and to stop accept being fat.

I told the psychologist that Fat Acceptance did me no favors. It may have done wonders for other people's self esteem, but it just enabled me to be fat. Now most of you are younger than me, and you may not remember what things were like before "FA" became a thing. There was no such thing as "BBW" - the term hadn't been invented.

I told the doc that I was afraid of failing. That I had read a post here about someone who was afraid to get rid of her fat clothes, because every other time she had done that, she had to go back and buy that same size again when she failed in her efforts to keep the weight off. I told him that I had a hard time with failure (and had been my whole life, another thing to thank my father for), and I think that was what I was really stressed about.

I poured all this stuff out to the psychologist, things I had never, ever admitted, even to myself. And it felt great.

And then my eye stopped twitching.

[Elode 8,093]

Wow it sounds like you've been through quit the journey already. Congrats of working to get yourself off that vicious cycle. It sounds like you know exactly what you want and need. I wish you the best of luck on your continued journey into a heathy life!

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

@@Sharon1964, you nailed it. I can relate to many aspects of your post. So much of this battle is fought between the ears. I was very afraid of failure too. I've lost my excess weight before only to regain it. I, too, had to get away from a very toxic person in my life. Many WLS patients benefit from counseling as this process unfolds. We are complex creatures. New issues will continue to bubble up as the weight comes off. Best wishes to you. Thanks for your post.

[wannaBthinsoon 1,634]

@@Sharon1964 Your post touched me. You and I have alot of the same "issues". I've dieted since I can remember, and fail, fail, fail. At the expensive Diet conglomerates I'd lose 50 pounds, or 60 pounds, and then stop losing, have a plateau...and they would accuse me of cheating. Tell my I was lying to them. So, after seeing all the "FA" on TV, with actresses, etc....I tried it. I hated every minute of it. The bullies calling names as a kid, the whispers from strangers, the innocent children who ask.....why are you so much bigger than...so and so? Tired of it. I should have my psych eval at the end of the month or early Feb. I still have a fear the psych will tell me....just accept it, you don't need surgery, just eat less and exercise more....or I'll fail AGAIN, as I have over and over again. I am mentally ready to begin my new sleeved life, when food no longer controls me. I can't wait to get started to be healthy!!

[KristenVSG2014 1,872]

Your post brought a tear to my eye. I can understand and relate to a lot of what you said. My biggest fear is failure as well. Thanks for sharing!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Hugs, Lady. Big ones.

[sassy14 178]

Wow--your story is so much like mine! It was both my parents who made the cruel statements. They see me infrequently and do not know I had surgery. When they saw me at 1 yr post surgery when I visited my mother in the hospital after hip repair, her first comment was "you have a lot of wrinkles". Yup. Down 100 lbs.

I am 58 and they are 86 and their comments still bite me.

[Djmohr 6,965]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I think most on this site can relate to parts of it.

I am really happy to hear your eye has stopped twitching! So many people are afraid of talking to a psychologist and shouldn't be. Especially one that is an expert on obesity. I have yet to hear a story where they talk you out of anything. They tend to be very supportive and are trained to help you get ready for life changes that are required to be successful.

if you are not ready yet, they will help you to get there.

Thanks again for sharing your story and keep us posted on your progress!

[esskay77 785]

Wow. Thanks for sharing. Glad you removed a toxic person from your life but I'm so sorry that you had to endure all that while growing up. It does stick with you!

I think all of us have had the same thoughts--Yeah, I'm big but at least i"m not xxx pounds! And then next thing we know, we ARE that weight. Or, when we think we are fat and then over the years gain weight and see pictures of what we looked like and laugh because we were NOT fat at all! lol. Both are continuous cycles. If only I was as fat as I thought I was years ago!

You will do great and I wish you well.

[punkinvine 227]

"YOU have such a pretty face" that just is a decked stack of cards. I heard it and so happy to now feel a complete person. You had a great outpouring of your soul. Good for you! Blessings on the WLS!

[Sharon1964 2,530]

...I should have my psych eval at the end of the month or early Feb. I still have a fear the psych will tell me....just accept it, you don't need surgery, just eat less and exercise more....or I'll fail AGAIN, as I have over and over again. ...

My psych told me that he had WLS about four years ago, so the dude has some street cred, not just "book learnin". I've never really trusted skinny-minny doctors or nutritionists, because I figured that they learned everything they knew in school and had never really been there. Of course, some of them could have had WLS too and I didn't know it.

[esskay77 785]

"YOU have such a pretty face" -- I hear a lot of you say how devastating this was/is to hear. It's something I have never heard. lol. Talk about devastating! Nobody has ever said I had a pretty face. I'm not looking for sympathy! I just always found it interesting that people hated being told they were pretty even though I understand how you are taking it.

[gowalking 10,790]

@@Sharon1964, you are new to this site so I don't know if you read my posts but basically I've been changing the outside of me for two years, and am working on the inside of me for just over a year. As other posters have said, we share many of the same issues and understand all too well what you feel and what you wrote.

The band will not help me keep the weight off without my getting to the root cause. Self esteem issues, non-supportive family, body image issues, control issues, there's alot going on with me and only with the help of a therapist (who also has had WLS) can I hope to keep the weight off for good.

Some people only need to fix the outside to fix the inside, but unfortunately, not me. So I did what I had to when I got banded. Now I'm doing what I have to in order to make sure the weight loss is permanent.

Good luck my dear...we are all here to help and support you as much as possible.

[JackieBrown 183]

I love these stories because they make me feel that I am not alone on this journey. I too fooled myself for a very long time about how fat I was. I tried to believe that having big jeans meant being proud of my body, that I was a BBW, and all the usual mindf***s that the media shovels on us when they're not telling us we're ugly.

Getting my head straight has been one of the best side effects of WLS. It's like not only did part of my stomach got lopped off, but also the section of my brain that put up with other people's BS. I'm more critical now, but especially of myself, and I've become my own best friend while being my personal drill sergeant at the same time.

This is one strange operation -- my butt getting smaller while the scale doesn't move, for example -- but I continued to be amazed and thrilled at what it's done for me.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Wow--your story is so much like mine! It was both my parents who made the cruel statements. They see me infrequently and do not know I had surgery. When they saw me at 1 yr post surgery when I visited my mother in the hospital after hip repair, her first comment was "you have a lot of wrinkles". Yup. Down 100 lbs.

That is so fucked.

I'm sorry.