Today I had an "ah-ha" moment of clarity about myself

[lark60 431]

I have been struggling with my weight "forever". As a child I was compared with my younger sister who had an overactive thyroid (thus underweight) and I felt "fat" (in reality my thyroid was hypoactive at the time and never investigated). Then after getting married (I weighed 125 and still thought I was fat), having 4 children (gaining about 5 lbs after each child) and chose to end my marriage of 15 years (he had an affair and wanted me to "accept her") I ended up gaining 100 lbs the year after the divorce.

After 20 years living on my own I had the surgery to prevent (and reverse) the health issues of obesity and start to care for myself. I had been watching my mother waddle around the house as a "butterball" and knew if I didn't make changes I would be in the same boat but wouldn't have anyone to care for me since I am alone.

I have been working with a therapist for PTSD and have realized that I have lived my life since childhood caring for everyone else and putting myself last. I have been in a spiral of self hatred for decades and used food to stuff my feelings, bury the pain, hurt and neglect that I experienced as a child and then as a wife in a unhealthy relationship.

I started taking antidepressants in October 2013 because my world seemed to be crashing down around me. I ended up quitting my job in January 2014 because of panic attacks and paranoia from verbal threats from my patients (I can tell you that the rumors about the VA medical care are true and the doctors are not supported by the upper management) Around August 2014 my weight loss stopped (not just stalled) and I gained 10 lbs. For months I tried different tips with diet, exercise, Water intake and changing around my Protein intake but no luck getting to my weight goal. Today I realized that weight gain is typical with antidepressant use (duh, even doctors forget the basics) and I had titrated up to a high dose of medication in August.

I am learning to "love" myself (this is very foreign to me) and know I am not ready to stop taking the medication. I am satisfied with my current weight and know when I work through several issues from the past I will be able to get to my goal weight. This is my "ah-ha" moment so I wanted to share.

[Elode 8,093]

Thank you for sharing that! I wish you Well!

[swimbikerun 1,046]

Same here. I'm glad you had the courage to take care of yourself. Let me encourage you to do so. I have religious beliefs, so that is a little different for me. I believe you are worth it and hope you will continue to keep on loving yourself.

[HumanMerelyBeing 287]

"Radical Self Care." It shouldn't be Radical, but it is. Go for it!!

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Thanks for sharing, best of luck!

[MichiganChic 3,262]

Congratulations on your personal revelation. I'm sure you'll get to where you want to be. Isn't it surprising when the light bulb goes on and we are able to connect the dots to really understand what we really knew along?