How to forgive someone?

[mrsto 2,925]

Most people are doing the best they can right now. One day, they may (or may not) do better.

That is all.

Yearning after what they might have done or what they might do in the future is wallowing in regret and rejecting an authentic life.

What IS is what's authentic.

Accept the change you didn't expect.

Incorporate that change into your life.

And move on.

Well said!

[Puppypaws57 137]

How about when someone sexually abuses you? How do you forgive that.

He is dead now and I still hate him.

[mrsto 2,925]

How about when someone sexually abuses you? How do you forgive that.

He is dead now and I still hate him.

I get it I agree that forgiveness releases the pain and energy of hate, at the same time, haven't quite figured out how to let go of certain things. If someone intentionally kills your child or love one, how on earth do you forgive that? I know that some are able to, but I guess I'm just not that Enlightened. But that is a whole lot of anger to carry, and I think I'd have to find religion or some other place to lay it down. I don't know.......this is a hard one

[scstxrn 213]

@@Puppypaws57

I don't know how, but I know that it can be done. I've seen too many people make it to the other side. They typically start with forgiving themselves, for a crime they didn't commit.. and then it lessens their abuser's relevance, and weakens their power over the victim. And then it seems like the victim decides to take all the power back, and that's when forgiveness happens.

[Puppypaws57 137]

Thank You. I hadn't realized I was blaming MYSELF for so much.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

How about when someone sexually abuses you? How do you forgive that.

He is dead now and I still hate him.

Puppypaws, someone who would choose that as her avatar has got to be a very loving and gentle person. I am sorry that you were harmed by this animal.

What I am about to write next I do so with the utmost compassion: Did you pray for his death, or at least wish it? That's probably what I would she done. If so then you got what you prayed for, or wished for. There is no more harm that can come his way... what I mean by that is we often want people to be harmed whom have harmed us, so that they can know what it feels like. Well, he's gotten the ultimate harm. He's dead. There is nothing more that can be done to him. Your prayers were answered. Now you need to release yourself.

I was sexually assaulted by a plastic surgeon. And I remember one of the things that I felt was "what did it say about me" that I went back to this man a second time (during which he did the very same thing to me). I felt that I was partly to blame. On top of that, some of the people that I trusted and turned to for help did not believe me.

I have never forgiven him because he does not deserve forgiveness. But I am no longer bothered by what happened. I wrote about what happened and published the article. It was very difficult to write the article but it was cathartic. It was my way of letting go.

Perhaps you can find a way to let go. You don't have to forgive him. You just have to let go. I took a personal development class about getting right with your past. They said that people keep bringing the past into the present and ruining their future. It sounds to me that is what you are doing. I highly recommend the course. It is called The Landmark Forum and it did more for me in that 3-day weekend than an entire year of counseling ever did. They actually show participants how to get right with whatever it is that happened to you in the past. It was extremely powerful... extremely. I took an 8-week mindfulness-based stress reduction course and although it was good, it did not have near the power of the forum. Of course, different strokes, right... MBSR teaches us to accept what is rather than thinking what should be. So perhaps it will resonate with you.

Regardless, this event that happened so very long ago still holds power over you. You need to take your power back. Don't allow him to harm you any longer.

Many blessings.

[Puppypaws57 137]

My Bariatric Pal: You are so kind and insightful. I'm sorry this happened to you.

The replies I have received have been so helpful. I really didn't realize how much I blamed myself - another answer I received. If I wasn't so physically mature for my age - having very large breasts. And it is still ruining my life. I never thought it really counted as abuse since it didn't go on very long. At 57, I still am thinking how different my life would have been if it hadn't happened. Is the abuse what made me get fat - was I trying to protect myself with a layer of fat?

Why didn't my parents send him to military school when he tried to rape my sister? Why is she ok with what happened to her? She received plastic surgery and turned into a quite loose woman. No, I can't talk to her, we aren't close. I have such hate for myself. I know I need counseling. I have had some in the past.

[scamp662 15]

Because Jesus first forgave us therefore we must also forgive.

[jane13 2,256]

@@Puppypaws57 - you said it yourself, go back to counseling. let this go now!

[My Bariatric Life 764]

Because Jesus first forgave us therefore we must also forgive.

That is so true. Jesus preached love, compassion, and forgiveness. In every situation we have the choice (free will) to act out of love. In fact, if we were to always project love and light on one another, we would manifest Heaven on Earth.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@Puppypaws57 I wanted to check-in and see how you are doing. It sounds like this man was very sick and this must have been awful for you and your family. I would say that you've hit the nail on the head, the fat was there to protect you. I once went to a "survivor's support group" of women who had been sexually assaulted and each woman was morbidly obese.

Again I say this with loving kindness and I hope that you will understand that I am a direct person. It seems to me that you are judging your sister for the way she dealt with this situation. Understand it is not your place to compare your path to her path. Believing she has it easier, perhaps envying that, and criticizing her choices only serves to prolong your suffering. Only look at her through the eyes of love. Find your compassion for her.

As for your parents, sometimes people make bad choices. They were weak. Forgive them for yourself, for your own wellbeing. Let go.

And I say this as someone who has turned around her thinking about a couple of people. I was not a religious person, and I had lost touch with my spirituality having renounced G-d when my beloved mother took ill and suffered a horrible debilitating disease for well over a decade. So it was on New Year's Eve leading into NY Day of this year that I prayed and asked to be filled with the Holy Spirit and only see this person through the eyes of love. And when the painful feelings would surface I prayed even harder. And what happened was my prayers were answered. I had a spiritual awakening. Short story, my life has been different ever since. It has been amazing. That's not to say it doesn't take work. It does, but eventually you become the master of your emotions and your mind just like anything you study or practice. And as I said, it is amazing.

BTW I want to make it clear that the plastic surgeon who sexualized my exam, mentioned in my previous post, was not affiliated with either of my plastic surgeons, Dr. Capella and Dr. Winslow, or their practices.

Good luck to you.

Edited August 9, 2015 by My Bariatric Life

[agwj71 45]

I forgive - never forget. And as I forgive them, I release them. I cannot live my life wondering if they will do it again. Plus, I am a pretty open, cool, and don't intentionally hurt people and don't feel that someone who intentionally hurt me deserves me in their life.

Honest mistake? Ok - but to hurt me intentionally? To make a decision knowing that it would hurt me? I'm good..

Took the words right out of my mouth!!

[Puppypaws57 137]

My Bariatric Life - thank you for checking in on me. I am in therapy and hoping it will help. I have regained about 30 of the 70 lbs I lost on the lap band so I knew I had bigger issues than just the fat.

You are very kind and I hope to be as compassionate as you are someday.

Terry

[Nate74 45]

@MyBariatricLife like you i feel like i have similar struggles. mine was recently and even though i have forgiven as hard as that was to say at the time i wasn't sure i belived it fully when i said it. I found that even though i wasn't sure i started to find peace. even when i found out more information recently that just brought a lot of the pain back i still forgave. I keep praying about it and i find myself changing and i like the changes within myself. Everytime i find myself thinking negative thoughts i will give a hug or do something unselfish for her. The more i do i find myself changing for the better. I know its not exactly deserving but i feel god has put it in my heart to do this and i continue to pray for strength. I too sometime question if i have truly forgiven as i have thoughts of getting even or pulling away but again i pray and work through it. I feel that the response to it is not there and i feel like i'm being punished for a choice i didn't make but i just keep trying as a quote i put on my desktop recently that states to be christian means to forgive the inexcusble because god has forgiven the inexcusable in you. I keep trying but i find myself sometimes having anger, pain, revenge feelings return. How do you deal with the feelings? i just keep trying to pray and give as much love as i possibly can even though it scares me to do so.

Edited August 12, 2015 by Nate74

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@Puppypaws57 good luck to you and please accept my apology. As I read my reply above to you, I come across to myself as preachy. I do not judge you, I want to be clear about that. I should not have made statements like "It seems to me..." I am passing along some advice that someone gave to me. He was very instrumental in my emotional healing.

I think ! will always have a challenge with weight gain. I have a book on my shelf that says weight gain is caused by suppressed emotions. I gained some weight this year after my mom passed and I am finally at a place where I can take it off. I pray you find inner peace.