Friendships and Gastric bypass surgery

[Raec69 11]

@@Pac-woman

Well now u have a whole new group of Friends for support here.. Concentrate on you & ur recovery.. Prayers

[Raec69 11]

@@Pac-woman

Well now u have a whole new group of Friends for support here.. Concentrate on you & ur recovery.. Prayers

[Trace Lynne 95]

I have been quiet about the procedure with family and friends, only a handful of people have been told. Some probably suspect at this point, but haven't come out and asked me. Others have asked. If someone asks me, I will not deny that I had the procedure, however I do not want to over-emphasize the role that the procedure has made. I mean, I have been working out like a fiend, and I have not been quiet about exercising or the progress I am making. I am working my butt off to hit my goals. I mean, I lost over 40 lbs in the three months prior to surgery, thanks to going to the gym 3 times a week and working out with a personal trainer.

Sure, I've kept quiet about the procedure, but its the results that people are commenting on. I mean, my sister continues to make comments about how she needs to get back into shape, but then says something like not having the time I have because she is a single mom.

I have been keeping more to myself with this, because I really want to focus on working out and not involved with other people's drama. I do like the positive feedback, though. What I really love are the people I didn't think were paying much attention start telling me that I've been inspiring them to work out and try to get healthier. I feel amazing with those comments.

[losing_the_band 133]

I know this is might be an unpopular opinion, but I think that sometimes, it is us changing how we interact with our friends that leads to some of the issues. Like it or not, we aren't always the same person after surgery. We deal with people differently, we approach them differently, we suddenly have changed what we do for fun (much of our lives don't center around food anymore), etc. Sometimes, the saying is true, that "there is nothing worse than a reformed [insert bad habit here]." By trying to include our friends in our new lifestyle, I think that sometimes we don't think about how it's coming across. Discussing the benefits of WLS, asking if they want to accompany us to the gym, sharing healthy recipes, etc., can sometimes come across as implying that someone NEEDS to lose weight. Our interactions with them somehow start centering around weight. Think about how we reacted when people did that to us before we were ready to face our issues. I'm not denying that sometimes they ARE jealous and petty, but sometimes, it's that we are being unintentionally offensive and just can't see it because we think we are being nice and showing how happy this decision has made us.

[Happyfrog4u 13]

Leag78, what I am finding is that people who are my true friends are very happy for me with the progress that I am making. It makes them laugh that I am more shocked then they are with my weight loss. I truly feel, that if your friendship was a true friendship that your friend would support you and be happy for you. I find that people come into our lives sometime for a season, sometime for a short while and then others are for a lifetime. Be proud of your accomplishments and know that there are folks out here that will encourage and support you. I am fairly new at writing here in the forums but when I read your post it triggered this response. I had my surgery October 1st, 2014 and I am down 100 pounds. I feel and look so much better. The best part is being able to move around easier and not be in pain. I wish for you continued success and highly suggest you find yourself some positive friends and keep your head high. Life is a journey and you have turned a new page in yours. Best of Luck... Carol

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Carol, that's amazing success!! Congratulations !!

[Sherrischeffler 74]

Husband says if he knew surgery would make me do much nicer hr would have told me yrs ago to have surgery.

[leag78 469]

@@Happyfrog4u, thank you for taking the time to answer my post. I totally agree with you and deep down I know that I'll change. Partly because I'm going to be losing a whole lot of weight, a whole person. And I believe that she will not accept the new me, but it's definitely not going to stop me from having this surgery to become a better, healthier me.

[Pac-woman 325]

@@counrtygirl That's funny. I actually find myself cooking more. It is like, I am eating through my boyfriend's dinner. lol

I actually get all stupid fancy with dinner now, even though I can only eat about 6 shrimps.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Pac-woman

[drmeow 323]

@@InspirationMySon, I've thought about all those points you made. When I say she has some good qualities I'm talking about when I need her she's there. If I ever needed anything she'd give it to me no questions asked. We've been friends for almost 20 years and me call each other sisters.

I just don't like her way of thinking, because in her mind it's all about her. If this were her movie she'd be the hero and I'd be the sidekick. I noticed that most of these posts are talking about friends who are also plus size. I haven't heard any one mention that they have a skinny friend. So was I hanging out with the wrong crowd in the first place.

It's possible she stays close to you b/c she can always be one-up - more attractive, more active, weigh less, etc. From the things you've said about she acts now, she doesn't seem like she'd improve after surgery and in fact, be much worse. Have you thought about why you are actually friends with her as well? could it be that in your obesity, you felt you couldn't do any better, and you'd better make the best of what's available? Does she act like she's doing you a favor to hang around with you? Please, I'm not trying to hurt you, but that can happen with girl/girl friendships as much as it can between spouses. You are changing the dynamics of the relationship, and if some or all of it is based on her being "better" than you, I'm afraid it's not going to last.

[leag78 469]

@@InspirationMySon, We've been besties since high school almost 20 years ago, so a lot of her actions I've learned to put up with. And yes there's been plenty of fights because of her actions but I've also come to terms that it's just her personality and unfortunately that's a part of her that won't change.

[duncanb007 12]

Interesting question, I think it's a case of don't judge others (friend or family) till you've lived their life (I'm sure there's plenty of people who can get that. )Fortunately most of my mates are well meaning if not a little misguided. The only friend who actually knows (outside of my partner) is sleeved as well.

The problem is people associate being overweight just a simple lack of self control and laziness. Increasingly however I think it's more a case of everywhere we go were setup to fail at being healthy. (Portion control, sugars, transfats et al.)

People judge because they fear the unknown. They will push you away because they fear you're going to do that to them first (fear of abandonment). Friends can do this especially if they feel threatened by changes you're going through.

It takes a lot of humility to accept your situation and go forward with this procedure. A little hubris afterwards is earned. This is a marathon in its own right and should be seen as a triumph and an accomplishment. That said I personally won't volunteer the information. If someone asks if I've had it then I'll fess up. If some asks how if lost the inches - I'll just say it's a basic lifestyle change. Otherwise it's none of their business.

As for "supporting" our decisions. Sometimes the best support available is people just getting out of our God damned way.

[blashlee 509]

@@leag78 Don't take this the wrong way; I don't know you or your friend. But almost all of your replies seem to be defending her or your friendship. Almost as though you have to convince us that she's a good person. Or perhaps convince yourself? Someone can have great attributes and only have one flaw; for example if i have a wonderful husband who helps with the house, rubs my feet every night before bed, and surprises me with random gifts and flowers for no reason those are great attributes. But if the one bad thing about him is that he's completely unfaithful to me and will cheat on me given the opportunity, do those good things about him outweigh the bad?

WLS is a long, hard road. I'm pre-op and already having issues with my social circle because of my changing eating habits and my avoiding alcohol. My friends don't invite me out anymore, I guess they figure whats the point if she can't eat and drink with us? Also, when I do go out people are always pushing me "one little drink won't hurt. Don't you have a cheat day?" They're excellent people, always there for me when I need someone and have opened up their homes to me and made me feel like family. But pushing me to drink when I'm under a doctor's care not to is just wrong. Offering me food I can't have and trying to justify it by saying "everybody deserves a cheat day." is not supportive to what I'm doing.

It's going to be really important that you have support for your choice to have WLS and the journey you're on. If your friend isn't supportive or if you're afraid your friendship with her will change because of your decision, then the best way she can support you is not to stand in your way. I'm not suggesting you stop being her friend, but perhaps you won't be able to rely on her for support as much as you were hoping considering how close you are.

[leag78 469]

@@blashlee thanks for your input, and I am beginning to realize that she isn't really a friend. At least not any friend I want to have. I guess I'm out growing her, because I don't think I've ever liked her personality, and now I'm just fed up with it now.

[blashlee 509]

@@leag78 it happens. I have a friend that is a big eater. Anytime I've always been on a diet, she's happy to sabotage it or invite me out for foods that are less than acceptable while dieting. She recently had a stroke and is disabled. Now if we wanna hang out it has to be something where we can sit down since walking has become so difficult for her. Naturally that means going to movies or sitting down to eat. As if it wasn't hard enough to get her to wanna do something other than eating.

I love her to death and she's one of my dearest friends but her eating habits and mine don't line up anymore. When I tell her about my having surgery, she's gonna have to be on board or be prepared not to see as much of me because now my nutrition isn't just about my weight, it's my whole life.