Husband needs help understanding

[Texas_Mom_5573 0]

My hunsband doesn't understand why I need to do this for myself. I love him but this has nothing to do with him. I need a chance at life again. I'm 1 month away from my insurance requirements. I want my sister to take me to my surgery cause she has supported me the whole way. Any advise on how to explain to yor spouse that this is a choice for life, happiness, and self love. :help:

[marjon9 6]

I'm a little unclear about what your husband does not understand. Is it that you want the band, or that you want your sister to take you to your surgery?

[Kat817 19]

It is a hard thing for someone who has never been morbidly obese to understand. It also as my DH (dear husband) pointed out to me, a hard thing to be supportive of in a way. He said he was afraid if he supported me doing it, I would see it as if he were unhappy with me the way I was. Then if insurance fell through, or I simply changed my mind, I would think he was unhappy being stuck with the fat me. Which in honesty, with the emotions I went through trying to get this done, could have been the case!

Men also have a "fix it" gene!!! If there is a problem, they want to be able to fix it for us. I have a horrible time with my DH sometimes, I just want to vent, and complain about something, but he wants to fix the problem. If I am upset about a comment made by his Mom for instance, he is going to call her up and settle it---NO!!!! Just listen to me, let me get it out, and it will go away! But his natural instinct is to try to DO SOMETHING!!!!!

Did your DH go to the seminar with you? That might be helpful. I have also read, that many men, are scared by this that we will lose the weight and then leave them! They too are insecure often times.

Discuss with him the things you 2 will be able to do together again, be sure to include him and his feelings in the talks. I know I am somewhat insecure, and if my husband suddenly decided to do something drastic, I would worry a bit about my place in his new life. I mean I love him as he is, isn't that enough? I am sure those are along the lines of your husbands thinking.

Another issue men seem to have is fear of losing us during the surgery itself---that we may die during surgery. Seems quite common on the board that they worry along those lines.

When you get the surgery behind you, and YOU have not changed, regardless of weight loss, he will relax. He just does not want to lose the you he knows and loves. The inner you is going to change too---but will remain the one he loves, and that will calm him down, and he too will likely come on board with it.

Men as a whole have been trained to not show emotion, so they rely on indifference and anger often to cover the real feelings---IF they even recognize what the feelings are.

Give him a chance, reassure him that the surgery is for YOU but it will make life better for the 2 of you! You can do more things together, your sex life will improve.....show him positives he can relate to!!!!

Welcome to LBT----this is an awesome support site, and you are far from alone here. We do tend to obssess over our bands for awhile, and at least here, no one gets tired of listening to us, or talking with us about them. Hang out, we'll support you!!!

Kat

[Mischievous1 6]

My hunsband doesn't understand why I need to do this for myself. I love him but this has nothing to do with him. I need a chance at life again. I'm 1 month away from my insurance requirements. I want my sister to take me to my surgery cause she has supported me the whole way. Any advise on how to explain to yor spouse that this is a choice for life, happiness, and self love. :help:

My husband had some issues too. He thinks i'm beautiful and sexy and confident....why would I RISK my life to have a procedure done that in his eyes isn't needed? Not that's it's a high risk, but to him ANY risk was too much.

I explained to him that I WORK very hard to keep myself where I am at, but that I work constantly battling failure. I worry about my health, diabetes, I suffer back, neck, ankle and knee pain and that I love him and my family too much to burden them with complaints. I also don't tell him how i'm too ashamed to wear bathing suits, shorts, tank tops even on the hottest days. He only sees how nice I look in that linen suit and I don't tell him what's eating me up inside because I love him and don't want to worry him....he doesn't see my discomfort, pain any of it because I love him...now i'm asking for his support to make me the person he THOUGHT I was and that I want to be by understanding that I needed this for me..he agreed after I explained it that way and I think it brought us a little closer....he also watches EVERYTHING I put in my mouth now like a hawk-darnit. :paranoid

[Mischievous1 6]

It is a hard thing for someone who has never been morbidly obese to understand. It also as my DH (dear husband) pointed out to me, a hard thing to be supportive of in a way. He said he was afraid if he supported me doing it, I would see it as if he were unhappy with me the way I was. Then if insurance fell through, or I simply changed my mind, I would think he was unhappy being stuck with the fat me. Which in honesty, with the emotions I went through trying to get this done, could have been the case!

Men also have a "fix it" gene!!! If there is a problem, they want to be able to fix it for us. I have a horrible time with my DH sometimes, I just want to vent, and complain about something, but he wants to fix the problem. If I am upset about a comment made by his Mom for instance, he is going to call her up and settle it---NO!!!! Just listen to me, let me get it out, and it will go away! But his natural instinct is to try to DO SOMETHING!!!!!

Did your DH go to the seminar with you? That might be helpful. I have also read, that many men, are scared by this that we will lose the weight and then leave them! They too are insecure often times.

Discuss with him the things you 2 will be able to do together again, be sure to include him and his feelings in the talks. I know I am somewhat insecure, and if my husband suddenly decided to do something drastic, I would worry a bit about my place in his new life. I mean I love him as he is, isn't that enough? I am sure those are along the lines of your husbands thinking.

Another issue men seem to have is fear of losing us during the surgery itself---that we may die during surgery. Seems quite common on the board that they worry along those lines.

When you get the surgery behind you, and YOU have not changed, regardless of weight loss, he will relax. He just does not want to lose the you he knows and loves. The inner you is going to change too---but will remain the one he loves, and that will calm him down, and he too will likely come on board with it.

Men as a whole have been trained to not show emotion, so they rely on indifference and anger often to cover the real feelings---IF they even recognize what the feelings are.

Give him a chance, reassure him that the surgery is for YOU but it will make life better for the 2 of you! You can do more things together, your sex life will improve.....show him positives he can relate to!!!!

Welcome to LBT----this is an awesome support site, and you are far from alone here. We do tend to obssess over our bands for awhile, and at least here, no one gets tired of listening to us, or talking with us about them. Hang out, we'll support you!!!

Kat

Oh wow, you explained that VERY well...especially the part about "where they fit into our new skinny lives" I didn't think about that with my DH....but I know if it were the other way around, I would be TREMENDOUSLY insecure about the procedure. I think it just goes to show that we need to provide as much, if not more, support for our partners while we go through our transitions.

thanks,

Renee

[LovelyLaFleur 0]

Life with my Significant Other (7years together) Has been interesting. He's a professional Body Builder and although he's been supportive of me and accepting it's been hard because, physically he's perfect to die for and I have felt inadequate (taking a tol on the relationship). When I broached the subject at first he said we can get it off together you don't need that, years later it hasn't helped and finally I just said, I need to get healthy and I won't leave you when I do. He's fine now. I think they can be afraid too.

The second part take whom you will be most comfortable with on surgery day it's your day. I'm taking a friend. Good Luck