WLS and marriage...

[Debbie_downsizing 9]

Hi! I'm new here. Have only had the thought (for the past 3 years) of wls and well, I've finally decided to take the first step and contact my PCP. I've done tons of research, been on YouTube and probably watched every video ever made, I've discussed with several other people I know who have had the sleeve done and the only thing I can't find *much* info on is the affects of WLS on marriage. (Besides generalized statistics of divorce rates going up) Let me give you a little background. I am 24 years old, live in ohio, just married my 25 y.o. Husband in September 2014 with whom I have 2 children with. He hasn't weighed over 120 lbs his entire life and me, well...I'm at 316. I'm 5'7" and my bmi currently stands at 51. I am TERRIFIED that if I receive the sleeve surgery our relationship will change. You see, even though my husband doesn't weigh more than my thumb, he eats like total crap! (It's really just not fair.) he loves his processed foods, loves pizza, chicken nuggets, Cereal, not really big on sweets but will not touch a vegetable, onions, salad, nothing that is good for you. I know that if I get this surgery my diet will have to change. This is *probably* the only thing that is scary to me as he is very loving, attentive, supportive, very "whatever makes you happy, you do". I just wanted to see if there is anyone that had any specific relationship changes after WLS and what the outcome of that was? Thanks in advance!

[rhayla 53]

"Whatever makes you happy, you do" isn't the same as being supportive. "How can I help?" Is supportive.

My hubs said the same thing to me for years - not just about my weight. He thought he was being a supportive husband, but what he was really dating was "do whatever you want. As long as it doesn't affect me, make yourself happy".

Talk to him. Do a trial run, so to speak, for a month or so of the kind of diet you envision eating after surgery. His portions will be larger than yours, but unless you want to make your healthy dinner and his crappy dinner every night, he will have to get on board with the healthy eating.

Tell him how much you need his actual support and encouragement. Talk about setting your kids up for A healthy lifestyle.

If he is resistant at first, don't give up - change isn't easy for anyone and he may work through his resistance and be your biggest cheerleader.

Or he may not.

[wannaBthinsoon 1,634]

welcome Debbie! You may need to gather up all that crappy food and toss it, or have him hide it from you, if they are trigger foods for you. This is a big huge major life change for you, and you will need his support. If my hubs refused to support me by removing those trigger foods, there would be some problems in this house. We've been married 30 years. His plan is to follow my eating program to help himself become healthy. Maybe your hubs could attend a seminar with you or meet with the surgeon or nutritionist or dietitian with you for some healthy insight. Best of luck to you. (Don't be a doormat, Debbie. Stand up for your health! YOU are important, and YOU deserve to be healthy) All the best, Sherrie.

[CheleLynn45 615]

It's funny that when I started this journey back in Feb of this year, I wasn't sure if I could make the changes necessary to succeed. My husband and daughter have attended every meeting and doctor appointment they could because they wanted to understand what I was going to have to do. I had to do a 6 month doc supervised diet, required by my insurance and let me tell you it was the best thing for me. I needed that time to wrap my head around how things would change and figure out why I was eating the way I was.

I am 9 weeks post op as of today and my husband and daughter have been very supportive. I haven't removed all so called bad food from the house but it has been cut down and surprisingly they don't miss it. It's been somewhat easy on me because I haven't had any issues with being around people eating food that I cannot have. Grant it there are times that smells do get the better of me, but I haven't been tempted to put that food in my mouth. I am trying to get the most bang for my buck out of the sleeve during the first 6 months. LOL

They both have been going to the gym with me and working out with me, that is soooo helpful especially on days where I am like no I don't feel like it. They have even been drinking shakes for Breakfast or lunch too. Neither one of them have a weight problem but it never hurts to try to be more healthy.

I really think you need to talk to your husband about this, really talk. He needs to understand completely what you will be going thru. My daughter was a little scared at first but once she went to the meetings and pre op stuff it eased her mind. The more informed you both are the better it will be.

For me things are probably better now, because I am happier, I feel better and that translates into all aspects of your life. I started at 314lbs, so I am right there with you weigh wise. it's not easy but it is what you make it. The sleeve is a great tool but you have to use it properly to have it work for you !

Good luck in what ever you decide, but seriously talk with your hubby try to get him to understand the changes that are going to happen for you.

[livvsmum 2,369]

My husband and I have been married 17 years and he has never had a weight problem, but like your hubby, you eats like total crap and could eat a ton of junk at one time and not gain an ounce.

The weight loss has challenged our relationship in a couple of different ways, but I can honestly say that ultimately this process has made us much, much stronger together.

First of all, since I am the one who does the grocery shopping and cooking primarily, it has changed the way my family eats to some extent. I don't buy the "junk" that he likes anymore. If he wants it he usually eats it at work, etc. He has also had to become a little more considerate in his eating habits. My biggest temptation is potato chips. So he tries to be really considerate and not sit there and eat a whole bag on the couch beside me. If he has them he will go in another room ro something. It wasn't an automatic thing, but he has started to be better with things liek that.

He also had to make a lot of sacrifices in my time as I've trained for a 1/2 marathon and a marathon. He gave up time with me and took over some responsibilities that I dind't have time for during my heavy training times.

Finally, it has raised some jealousy issues that were never there before. He sees how drastically I've changed on the outside and the confidence I've gained and he was from time to time I think afraid that I would change on the inside as well.It's taken me going out of my way sometimes to reassure him that I haven't changed who I am or the fact that I love him.

It's definitely been a learning curve for us as a couple, but like I said I'm stronger individually, and we are stronger as a couple for sure.

I sense a blog post coming on..... :-)

[mrsbailey921 117]

yes, i have had very specific changes after weight loss surgery in that my husband seems to be even more attracted to me now than he was before. i really appreciate it--but his sex drive has increased drastically too and that is a bit of an issue for me to keep up with. i should be elated--but my sex hormones are really, REALLY low, my body is still adjusting to post wls and i do not take chemical birth control so pregnancy prevention is ALWAYS on my mind! i am still trying to find a happy medium...

on the flipside, he is very supportive and now sticks to me like glue! it's very interesting to say the least and i am happy that we are becoming stronger. our household isn't a junk food household and we eat full meals and not too much fast food (we have take out and fast food about 3 times per month IF that much so that's not alot) so things haven't changed in my household food wise. i was never a junk food eater in excess but i am a volume eater. so i can eat say, a meal of baked chicken, spinach and wild rice--but i will have two entire plates of it! so yes, healthy in type of food but unhealthy in amounts i ate! thankfully Portion Control is easier for me post wls. my diet has only changed in so much that i get turned off by foods high in sugar, and certain foods make me nauseated but that doesn't affect my family, so i don't make them go without the things they like just because i don't like them. that never has been an issue for me.

i was honestly preparing for the worst with my husband because of all the horror stories, but i am so happy that our faith and trust is seeing us through this situation and we are closer than ever before. he received AWESOME counseling at the hospital from the nursing staff when i was in recovery (i was evesdropping--i had woken up out of my sleep but they thought i was still asleep and she was mentoring him on what my new needs would be as an individual and what OUR marital needs would be as a couple--awesome woman i wish i could HUG her!!!) and he has really paid attention to her. he was awesome in helping me during recovery and healing, and he is awesome in supporting me.

why, just yesterday i got some cereal "stuck" and he was a real pro in patting and rubbing my back until it went down! a regular chip off the old block! LOLOL.

[mrsbailey921 117]

oh, as an aside--if anyone has changed--it's me! it's so hard to pinpoint it--it's more than just "confidence". i am now vocal and am no longer a wallflower. not only am i changing physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. i still look the same--my clothing even still fits, with just a little sag--so i know it's not my physical self driving the change because most people can't tell i've lost weight yet! but for whatever reason, i stand up for myself more, say what's on my mind, and hold my head up higher. i thought my husband would be threatened by it, but he's not!

[jess9395 5,449]

Just a note to all those guys out there who can eat a ton of total crap and stay skinny.... Wait till you turn 50! That was totally my husband and now he's gained about 30lbs and is in the "overweight" category and soooooo not thrilled! When he eats what I tell him to, he can drop it quickly, and he's willing to make some changes, but he will NOT give up his bread and Pasta. Oh well. No one looking at him would EVER call him fat and he has no health issues, just can't wear the 32 jeans he's worn his whole adult life!

[tracywag 27]

The statistics on divorce after WLS scared me enough to postpone surgery. We have been married 17 years. My husband is a good man, but sometimes goes through bouts of depression and insecurity. Before I committed to surgery this year, I told him my concerns about how it may effect our relationship. I think being aware of it helps, also making it clear that I am not rejecting him in seeking changes. We are in a good place, and getting better. He keeps most junk out of the house, and I don't harp on him about having a beer or going to a fast food place for lunch.

Just keep the lines of communication open, with each other and with yourself. Respect each other, and respect yourself enough to make good choices.