I'm done telling folks. They don't get it

[DesWill 11]

I told my mother to and that was such a mistake. She nearly had me talked out of it. Said all I need to do was eat salad and walk. If that worked for me I wood have done it. Luckily my husband is awesome and said he wouldn't let me quit on myself.

[losing_the_band 133]

I'm currently starting the process for a revision from lap-band to either VSG or RNY (undecided about which one right now). I'm debating telling anyone. I'd like to tell my mom, since I'd like to have her with me after surgery. The problem is, she thinks she has the right to tell anyone and everyone my medical business. That's what she did after the band. She and my dad told the entire family, their employees, their clients, yadda, yadda, yadda. Add to that the fact that she's very wishy-washy. I mean, when I was losing weight well with the lap-band, she kept trying to feed me and kept shoving food at me. Now that I've regained almost everything I lost (and I lost 90 pounds and got to goal), she keeps telling me I need to try more diets. Sometimes it's really hard to keep my mouth shut, because I just want to tell her to pick whether she wants me fat or thin and stick with it!

I don't know what to do. I just moved to Miami a few months ago, so the only people I know here are my new coworkers, and I'd rather not have my medical business spread around. I also don't want to lie to my mom and dad. But I also don't want my entire extended family to know that I had to have my band removed and revised to another surgery. I'm uncomfortable seeing them as it is, since I keep getting larger and larger every time they see me, and I KNOW that they're thinking I'm a failure.

*sigh* Of course, this will all be moot if I can't get the revision approved in the first place. I've had one consultation with a surgeon, but I didn't click with his office, so I've got another consultation in a week or so. Hopefully, that one will be the right surgeon!

[Mrs. Reid 392]

Sounds like you have a bunch of negative people in your family. Maybe you could use this move to Miami as a chance to change that. You can find someone else to take you to the hospital. It does not need to be your mom. It sounds like your mom is using your weight to keep you in your place....off balance and dependent. Maybe she thinks that if you are thin then lots of people would love you and you would not need her anymore. Maybe you should start keeping your own secrets. Just go through the process, meet new friends, have the surgery and when you start losing weight tell them you didn't let them know because of what happened last time you told them about your wls.

I believe we teach people how to treat us. Your family will only do what you allow them to do. If you don't stand for mistreatment, if you make an effort to stay away from negative people they will learn that they cannot be negative around you.

In order to be successful with wls we have to change the way we behave. Add getting rid of negative people to that list of lifestyle changes.

[tomi71 581]

Agreed!

[Ladyrider323 10]

I tried to talk to a coworker that had bypass 3 years ago. She was very negative and discouraging in her conversation. I think...No I know that the negativity stems from having gained all of her weight back. She said "if you have to do the two week liquids prior to surgery then you should be able to do it on your own." My mother, sister, and daughters are very supportive of me. 2/10/2015

Dr. David Kim, Kim Bariatric Institute.

Brand new state of the art surgery center Frisco, Tx. Destiny Surgery Center.

Edited January 25, 2015 by Ladyrider323

[LipstickLady 25,682]

The theme here seems to be when you tell others, you make it about a bit about them and they suddenly play a part in your decision making, your fears, your success, your failures.

My surgery was about me, no one else.

[Ladyrider323 10]

The theme here seems to be when you tell others, you make it about a bit about them and they suddenly play a part in your decision making, your fears, your success, your failures.

My surgery was about me, no one else.

For me....It's about me!!! I did my research and am well aware of the decision I made for myself. If one allows their decision to be swayed by another....I don't think their decision is for nor about themself. I would think it's about pleasing others. I may be wrong, just my opinion. @@LipstickLady you make a good point.

[losing_the_band 133]

Sounds like you have a bunch of negative people in your family. Maybe you could use this move to Miami as a chance to change that. You can find someone else to take you to the hospital. It does not need to be your mom. It sounds like your mom is using your weight to keep you in your place....off balance and dependent. Maybe she thinks that if you are thin then lots of people would love you and you would not need her anymore. Maybe you should start keeping your own secrets. Just go through the process, meet new friends, have the surgery and when you start losing weight tell them you didn't let them know because of what happened last time you told them about your wls.

I believe we teach people how to treat us. Your family will only do what you allow them to do. If you don't stand for mistreatment, if you make an effort to stay away from negative people they will learn that they cannot be negative around you.

In order to be successful with wls we have to change the way we behave. Add getting rid of negative people to that list of lifestyle changes.

It's very difficult, because I'm naturally a non-confrontational person. I don't like arguing with people or upsetting them, and I don't like lying to people, even if it's by omission. That's a product of how I was raised, to be honest. I love my folks, but I was raised that other people come first, and to always give other people what they want and not to stand up for myself. it's very difficult to break that mold. It's very easy for other people to say, "Just don't let them treat you like that." That's easier said than done, when it's been ingrained that what other people come first.

I don't get close to people easily, and I'm a very private person. I mean, I have a few acquaintances here at work that have the potential to become good friends, but it's difficult to even imagine telling them about something so private, especially so soon after meeting them. It's something that I don't want getting around at work, either, so I have to weigh the possible benefits of telling them with the possibility that I'll be the topic of gossip. Especially since I'm considered a relative "light weight." When I was looking into the lap-band surgery, even the support group I had to go to wasn't very supportive. I was told several times by other participants that I wasn't very big and that I should try losing the weight in another way. I guess I carry my weight well, lol. They didn't seem to understand that I was still in the severely obese to morbidly obese range for my height and that I had several comorbidities.

So basically, I have to make a decision: Do I tell my parents and risk them telling everybody around them, or do I tell a coworker and risk them telling everybody at work? I wish I could just get a driver to take me to and from the hospital, lol. I know I'd be fine on my own at home, since I basically did that after both my lap-band surgery and my Tummy Tuck and breast lift surgery. There's virtually no chance of me convincing the surgeon to let me do that, though.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

My advice...IF you are a "follower", don't tell. IF you are a "leader"...TELL and educate others.

<eyeroll>

Thank gawd I'm not insulted by nonsense.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

LipstickLady they have a smiley for <eyeroll> ----> <----- Lol

They don't have an emoticon for the eyeroll I was giving. Trust me.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

I'm currently starting the process for a revision from lap-band to either VSG or RNY (undecided about which one right now). I'm debating telling anyone. I'd like to tell my mom, since I'd like to have her with me after surgery. The problem is, she thinks she has the right to tell anyone and everyone my medical business. That's what she did after the band. She and my dad told the entire family, their employees, their clients, yadda, yadda, yadda. Add to that the fact that she's very wishy-washy. I mean, when I was losing weight well with the lap-band, she kept trying to feed me and kept shoving food at me. Now that I've regained almost everything I lost (and I lost 90 pounds and got to goal), she keeps telling me I need to try more diets. Sometimes it's really hard to keep my mouth shut, because I just want to tell her to pick whether she wants me fat or thin and stick with it!

I don't know what to do. I just moved to Miami a few months ago, so the only people I know here are my new coworkers, and I'd rather not have my medical business spread around. I also don't want to lie to my mom and dad. But I also don't want my entire extended family to know that I had to have my band removed and revised to another surgery. I'm uncomfortable seeing them as it is, since I keep getting larger and larger every time they see me, and I KNOW that they're thinking I'm a failure.

*sigh* Of course, this will all be moot if I can't get the revision approved in the first place. I've had one consultation with a surgeon, but I didn't click with his office, so I've got another consultation in a week or so. Hopefully, that one will be the right surgeon!

It's very difficult, because I'm naturally a non-confrontational person. I don't like arguing with people or upsetting them, and I don't like lying to people, even if it's by omission. That's a product of how I was raised, to be honest. I love my folks, but I was raised that other people come first, and to always give other people what they want and not to stand up for myself. it's very difficult to break that mold. It's very easy for other people to say, "Just don't let them treat you like that." That's easier said than done, when it's been ingrained that what other people come first.

I don't get close to people easily, and I'm a very private person. I mean, I have a few acquaintances here at work that have the potential to become good friends, but it's difficult to even imagine telling them about something so private, especially so soon after meeting them. It's something that I don't want getting around at work, either, so I have to weigh the possible benefits of telling them with the possibility that I'll be the topic of gossip. Especially since I'm considered a relative "light weight." When I was looking into the lap-band surgery, even the support group I had to go to wasn't very supportive. I was told several times by other participants that I wasn't very big and that I should try losing the weight in another way. I guess I carry my weight well, lol. They didn't seem to understand that I was still in the severely obese to morbidly obese range for my height and that I had several comorbidities.

So basically, I have to make a decision: Do I tell my parents and risk them telling everybody around them, or do I tell a coworker and risk them telling everybody at work? I wish I could just get a driver to take me to and from the hospital, lol. I know I'd be fine on my own at home, since I basically did that after both my lap-band surgery and my Tummy Tuck and breast lift surgery. There's virtually no chance of me convincing the surgeon to let me do that, though.

Self preservation is rule number 1. You know how on airplane they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first? That's because you aren't any good to anyone else if you pass out because you were trying to help (please) others.

I love my mum but I may as well take out an ad in the NY Times. She tells ALL her business and anyone else's if she know it. That is not me so for many things she is on a need to know basis. My surgery was about me. I did all my prep and told my sister and bestie 2 weeks before surgery. I told my mother the day before with the threat of death if she blabbed. (She lasted 2 weeks before letting the cat out of the bag).

I'm not hiding my surgery but I pick and choose who I share that information with just as I pick and choose personal information about other areas of my life. I'm not a paid spokesperson so I am under no obligation to educate anybody. I was asked to attend my program's support group to speak and did so because I was requested to by my nutritionist. I have a cousin going through the pre-op process so we chatted about my experiences, but in general I don't need to share with the world. I have found there is nothing more obnoxious than a former fatty.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

@@LipstickLady First, I just want to say good work passing your original goal! That's great!! Second, lets keep the thread on topic. The OP deservers that.

Telling someone what they should/should not post on a public message board isn't very effective. Just an FYI.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

If you got a problem with me you are welcome to PM me with your issues. But I could not care less If you don't like it because I want to show respect to the OP's thread. If you want to continue being rude to me in public, I'll just ignore you.

Of course I don't have a problem with you. Why would I?

Edit: Only posting this last response in case anyone thinks I might.

I see you are new to our forum. You will see that topics often twist and turn, go off topic, go back on, etc. It's a common and welcome occurrence. It's how discussion works.

Welcome!

[losing_the_band 133]

Self preservation is rule number 1. You know how on airplane they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first? That's because you aren't any good to anyone else if you pass out because you were trying to help (please) others.

I love my mum but I may as well take out an ad in the NY Times. She tells ALL her business and anyone else's if she know it. That is not me so for many things she is on a need to know basis. My surgery was about me. I did all my prep and told my sister and bestie 2 weeks before surgery. I told my mother the day before with the threat of death if she blabbed. (She lasted 2 weeks before letting the cat out of the bag).

I'm not hiding my surgery but I pick and choose who I share that information with just as I pick and choose personal information about other areas of my life. I'm not a paid spokesperson so I am under no obligation to educate anybody. I was asked to attend my program's support group to speak and did so because I was requested to by my nutritionist. I have a cousin going through the pre-op process so we chatted about my experiences, but in general I don't need to share with the world. I have found there is nothing more obnoxious than a former fatty.

If I get approved for revision, what I may do initially is tell her that I'm just getting the band removed, not tell her that I'm getting a revision to another surgery. I'll likely tell her after the surgery is done, but not before. That way, I don't have to listen to her until it's too late, lol. A lot of people in real life don't understand that by the time I'm talking about things with them, I've almost always already made my decision. I'm not asking them for their input, I'm telling them what I'm going to do. Input and help making a decision is what these message boards are for! That's the problem with being fat. People think that you want their advice and input about everything from diets to exercise to surgery. I don't know why more people don't have the grace to understand that their input and advice is only being asked for when it's literally being requested.

Edited January 25, 2015 by losing_the_band

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

@@losing_the_band - Good for you! That's exactly the approach I take with mine.