Worst "compliment" you have gotten since surgery

[Stevehud 1,790]

you're right , But I apologized to you for some perceived slight many many times, go back and look at the other topics, if you do not believe me. I even said you were helpful and inspirational several times, but you still say nothing but negative things towards me. You couldn't even let me last post go by without attacking me again. So here I will take the high road again and just delete my posts and you can win.

Okay I hope that makes you happy, and that's not sarcasm. Your clique will be happy for their leader I am sure. Now please be a decent sort and take your win graciously.

[wannaBthinsoon 1,634]

@@Stevehud Please don't go away mad. I don't believe anything was meant toward you. We need you here. I know I do. I enjoy your thoughts and comments.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

@@Stevehud - Again missing the point. Context is every thing. This was NOT a friend. She hadn't seen this person in over a year She was at best an acquaintance. The difference in relationship makes that remark out of line. I might tell my sister it's about time she got her hair done because it looked awful the day before. She'll laugh it off, no harm no foul. I say that to a coworker and I'm being rude. I don't have the same relationship with my coworker. It was a backhanded compliment.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

you're right , But I apologized to you for some perceived slight many many times, go back and look at the other topics, if you do not believe me. I even said you were helpful and inspirational several times, but you still say nothing but negative things towards me. You couldn't even let me last post go by without attacking me again. So here I will take the high road again and just delete my posts and you can win.

Okay I hope that makes you happy, and that's not sarcasm. Your clique will be happy for their leader I am sure. Now please be a decent sort and take your win graciously.

There is no "win" but I will not be falsely accused of trolling, stalking, harassing someone without standing up for myself.

I do "appreciate" your exit insults, by the way. There is no "clique" and I'm certainly not the "leader". You have a great imagination.

Have a great evening.

[MamaTo3inNH 100]

I call myself fat, my two best friends and I talk about each other being fat, and my SIL who is like my sister and I always call each other fat (not like hey you fat slob, but more like if one says my back hurts the other would say because of fat or did you hurt it) . I would NEVER call someone else, outside of my immediate circle, fat in the past or present tense.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Stevehud, on 30 Dec 2014 - 19:20, said:

I was raised that if someone says something rude you just ignore it and carry on. to say something rude back is the same as the person who said the rude thing in the first place. SO I wouldn't waste the time.

Even without bringing your parents into it, ignoring a rude comment or question could be a valid choice if the rude comment were infrequent, random and said privately.

But what's the right approach when a bully or a bigmouth says it? What's the right approach when there are elements of stalking and harassment present? What's the right approach when the comment is said in front of others who might be encouraged to mimic the bully's behavior?

Hard and fast rules don't apply to all situations. As others have said, context really does matter.

[jess9395 5,449]

This thread really made me laugh.

I have heard:

1. I didn't realize your head was so big.

2. You have a turkey waddle.

3. Don't you feel so much better now?

4. Are you ok? (I had a conference with customers and finally had to leak that I had the surgery because so many were asking my coworkers if I had some type of serious illness)

5. You look like you did when you left my house. (My Mom) She thinks that she didn't instill bad eating habits into my life which I am totally responsible for but growing up in my house was not helpful.

6. There have been others but I can't remember them.

Here is the thing though. I don't care what people think that much. You can think I took the easy way out and I'm fine with that. My health isn't changing because of your opinion.

I don't mind talking about the surgery and am open with it after I knew it was going to work. I always make jokes and use myself as a target to not offend others quite a bit of the time. Life is just easier if you can laugh.

I also know sometimes my mind gets ahead of my mouth and I say things that don't make sense so I cut people slack when their mouth is ahead of their mind.

Most of it is just ignorance from people who have never had to endure the struggle that obesity is. They can't equate it to whatever struggles they have.

Oh my goodness I get the big head thing too! My husband is the worst, he keeps saying now I see where our son got his big head!

LOL, I don't mind so don't anyone go thinking my husband is being mean ????

[Kindle 8,667]

Apparently I have received many comments that I should have found offensive....

1) I didn't think you were big enough for surgery (from a couple clients)

2) I guess I was just used to seeing you that way and never thought you were that big. (From a client and a friend)

3) I can't believe you lost 100 pounds. I never really thought of you as fat. (From my best friend/business partner)

4) this is great...you are finally the fat friend (from my "fat friend" after she had lap band)

5) ****, now I'm back to being the fat friend (from the same friend, after my VSG surgery)

6) you can stop losing now....I don't want you to get skinnier than me. ( from my hairdresser...and yes, now I am skinnier)

7) you must feel so great now ( from MANY clients)

8) your boobs completely disappeared....are you going to have plastic surgery? (From a friends' mother)

9) what size are you now? (From MANY friends and family)

10) aren't you bummed you can't drink beer? (From several friends)

11) I can't believe how much weight you've lost. (From many clients)

12) I'm so glad you are OK, I thought you might be sick (from several clients....I even got the cancer question a few times)

13) as long as you're happy (from several clients and my dad)

14) you have a lot more wrinkles in your face (a couple friends)

15) I've heard a lot of people gain weight back after surgery (a couple clients)

Not to mention the many friends that are now trying to set me up on dates that never bothered back when I was fat.

But seriously, I was never offended by these comments or even think they were rude. Just people honestly saying what they thought. I have no problem with that. Some comments certainly had tones of jealousy behind them, but who cares? They can't help how they feel and at least they say these things to my face, rather than behind my back. That's the difference between friends and enemies. I really just take all of it as a complement and move on. All of these comments simply boost my moral and self confidence (Like I need more of that ???? ). I guess the reason I've had so much positive support in my journey is because after reading this thread, my perception of positive seems to be a lot different than other's.

Edited December 31, 2014 by Kindle

[Countrygrrl 450]

I learned this just last year. I use to say I don't care what you think about me. I would go up in arms and tell a person idgaf what you think. Truth was I did. It was this whole poison. How dare they what gives them the right. I would spend mental energy denying that what they thought of me mattered. Making it painfully obvious to myself it did matter. And one day I was doing this meditation ( I know I'm granola) and it said "it's none of my business what other people think of me." And it was a BAM moment! I was letting people's preconceived notions of who I was shape my entire life one grain of sand at a time. Like eating a spoon full of poison willingly. Letting myself act defensively out of fear of others judgement. And guess what I'm so much less defensive and guarded. I let there be more room for love and acceptance.

[TheRealMeIsHere! 863]

Apparently I have received many comments that I should have found offensive....

1) I didn't think you were big enough for surgery (from a couple clients)

2) I guess I was just used to seeing you that way and never thought you were that big. (From a client and a friend)

3) I can't believe you lost 100 pounds. I never really thought of you as fat. (From my best friend/business partner)

4) this is great...you are finally the fat friend (from my "fat friend" after she had lap band)

5) ****, now I'm back to being the fat friend (from the same friend, after my VSG surgery)

6) you can stop losing now....I don't want you to get skinnier than me. ( from my hairdresser...and yes, now I am skinnier)

7) you must feel so great now ( from MANY clients)

8) your boobs completely disappeared....are you going to have plastic surgery? (From a friends' mother)

9) what size are you now? (From MANY friends and family)

10) aren't you bummed you can't drink beer? (From several friends)

11) I can't believe how much weight you've lost. (From many clients)

12) I'm so glad you are OK, I thought you might be sick (from several clients....I even got the cancer question a few times)

13) as long as you're happy (from several clients and my dad)

14) you have a lot more wrinkles in your face (a couple friends)

15) I've heard a lot of people gain weight back after surgery (a couple clients)

Not to mention the many friends that are now trying to set me up on dates that never bothered back when I was fat.

But seriously, I was never offended by these comments or even think they were rude. Just people honestly saying what they thought. I have no problem with that. Some comments certainly had tones of jealousy behind them, but who cares? They can't help how they feel and at least they say these things to my face, rather than behind my back. That's the difference between friends and enemies. I really just take all of it as a complement and move on. All of these comments simply boost my moral and self confidence (Like I need more of that ). I guess the reason I've had so much positive support in my journey is because after reading this thread, my perception of positive seems to be a lot different than other's.

I am the same way Kindle, I do not see them as offensive, comments either.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

For me, it's not about being offended. I'm a big girl, I can handle it. There are a few things that set me off but I'm fairly good at holding my own in those situations.

What I don't want to be is OFFENSIVE. I have a big mouth, strong opinions and little filter. I can be brutally honest and at times, I know I hurt people's feelings and I hate that. I don't want to make someone else sad by throwing out a "compliment" with a thorn. I also hate to see my friends/family be the victim of people who are brutally honest, passive aggressive or flat out jealous and hateful.

It's funny how people think that if they don't find things hurtful that others shouldn't either. Just because one is OK with being called fat or wrinkly or less wide doesn't mean it's OK to say those things to others. At least, that's my opinion.

[wannaBthinsoon 1,634]

@@LipstickLady Sometimes a brutally honest kick in the a$$ is exactly what I need. I appreciate you.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

@@LipstickLady Sometimes a brutally honest kick in the a$$ is exactly what I need. I appreciate you.

I will "brutally honest" you any time you'd like.

[wannaBthinsoon 1,634]

It's a deal!

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

It still boils down to context for me. I am not easily offended, nor to I spend my time worrying what people are thinking of me. There are some people, like the old ladies in my congregation who have no filter and I just grin and smile because I know anything is likely to fall out their heads. I try to practice tact so yes, there are occasions where I will hold my tongue if I don't have anything nice to say. I also know the difference between friends and acquaintances and I have a pretty decent BS meter. My friends I confide in. We can be brutally honest with each other. I not only want that from them, it's expected. You need to have good friends who check you. An acquaintance does not have those rights. Lastly there is a difference between honesty and sarcasm or shade.

Most importantly I like me. I have always liked me and thought I was cute. Not cute for a fat girl but cute period. So nope, not gonna let someone try to make me feel bad about myself.

I think it's okay to disagree here. There are a zillion situations in which this could be okay and just as many where it wouldn't be.