Any other abuse survivors/people with PTSD on this forum?

[YellowWallpaper 10]

So, I'm about 6 weeks pre-op right now, and everything surrounding this surgery is causing my PTSD (previously well-controlled with a low-dose anti-depressant and living a peaceful, conflict-free life with a wonderful, caring husband) to flare like crazy.

I know that my food issues and weight issues are deeply related to my childhood physical and sexual abuse. Ever since I got my insurance approval and surgery date, I've been having horrific nightmares, experiencing brutal anxiety, physical symptoms of stress (pulled muscles, night sweats, swollen legs, heart palpitations, insomnia, etc).

I think it's the physical intrusiveness of this process that is freaking out my subconscious...feeling like I am no longer in control of what happens to me physically; the surgeon and his staff are. They tell me what to eat, that I have to wear a CPAP, that I have to stop smoking, etc.

What really sucks is that I KNOW if I cancel the surgery, all of this terrible anxiety will melt away in a heartbeat. But then, after that, I'll still be a morbidly obese smoker who can't live the life she wants because of her weight.

I don't have any profound conclusions to draw about any of this, I just wanted to reach out and see if there are any other members here who have experienced anything similar.

[Mrs. Reid 392]

Yes, I had the anxiety too. I have PTSD but it is under control....no drugs. As soon as I started this journey I started putting on weight. That isn't good. It is a fight every day not to let the demons that rise from my subconscious defeat me. I've been having the strange dreams too. I am simply at a point where I have no choice but to fight. My body is starting to break down from carrying all the extra weight. I have to be nice to myself and treat me like I am worth all of the trouble.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

What you don't realize is that you ARE in control. Nobody is making you have this surgery. You chose to do it. YOU chose to accept professional advice on effective ways to use this surgery to bring you health and happiness.

Here goes some personal stuff, so anyone who can't handle child sexual abuse and domestic violence should look away now.

Myself and my three sisters were all abused by the same relative (not our dad thank goodness) who died of a heart attack while in prison on his third conviction of child molesting. We each did not know the others were abused also, until his funeral. I think we all wanted to spit on his grave. Is it any wonder that three of us have had bariatric surgery and the fourth one needs it?

To this day (I am 63) I still have horrible nightmares about being trapped, drowning or buried alive, and not in control of my surroundings. Almost always the nightmare takes place either at my grandma's house, an abandoned industrial park, or a post-apocalyptic city......not every night, but boy, if I take any narcotic pain med....I may as well just stay up all night.

In addition to that, in 2005 I escaped in the middle of the night from a diagnosed psychopatic schizophrenic sociopath who isolated me from my family for ten years. He totally controlled all aspects of my being - I feared for my life because he kept five loaded guns in the house and had shot at the neighbors dogs (in their own yard) and shot at other drivers who would pass him on the highway. That is my personal reference for whether or not a situation is out of my control.

So, I can't control what happens in my sleep, but when I am awake, I open up the curtains and get daylight in the house, or in better weather, I go out to the shade in the back yard and read in my quiet place. I know that if I had to wear a CPAP, my nightmares would be worse. Having the surgery will get you to the point where you won't need that device anymore.

Any parent will tell you that if you do not have rules and guidelines, your house will be in constant chaos. If you think of you medical team as gentle loving parents who want you to be healthy and happy, then maybe these new rules and habits won't seem so bad. There is nothing my team has asked me to do that was not for my benefit. Overeating processed junk food and melting into the sofa trapped me in my physical container more than any nightmare ever could.

I cannot imagine carrying around a newborn colt all day and all night (which is how much weight I have lost). My internal body systems have responded well to the outstanding nutrition and exercise it has been getting this past year. Please do not think of this process as deprivation. Our human body was not designed to thrive on Cheetos, Twinkies, Dr. Pepper, and Big Macs. Instead of looking at what you can't eat, look at the bigger picture a year from now and how much better you will feel as a reward for your effort.

Your team can suggest all they want, but YOU have control over whether or not you comply. You are not submitting to misery; you are choosing life. You are choosing to be able to walk (or do a Couch to 5K Run). You are choosing to be able to play with pets or children or grandchildren. You are choosing to be able to sit on a plane or in a car without a seatbelt extender. You are choosing to be able to shop for regular size clothing with some style. You are choosing to have bold confidence and to speak up for yourself. You are choosing to get through your day without dropping exhausted by noon.

Sure, that pre-op liquid diet is a bit**, but it is a well-deserved rite of passage into a new life. Rather than grieving over not being able to support all these industrial farmers like Monsanto, rejoice than you can break free and go for natural healthful whole foods that do not come from a factory.

Even when it comes time to go under the anesthetic and let the doctors take over for a bit, that is still a choice. You can rip out your IV and run out of the hospital, or you can choose to take a little nap and wake up on your journey to a better quality of life. For what little inconvenience a non-complicated surgical experience represents, the payoff is huge. You are more in control of this than you think.

[YellowWallpaper 10]

@@Miss Mac, wow. Thank you. I have a longer response (and more gratitude!) but I have to run out right now. Your response left me in tears. I read it to my husband and I think he even got a little misty. You are awesome. More later...

[blondiebabs 214]

I have PTSD, severe anxiety and OCD... survived childhood trauma that involved multiple kinds of abuse and torture, then an abusive marriage. I started going to therapy in 2014 and go to weekly sessions and it helps me. The closer I get to surgery the more anxiety I have though. Insomnia, headaches, muscle aches. To top it all off I've been breaking out in hives nonstop since last week! I've had 5 Patches break out so far, stress and anxiety always manifests in me physically in one way or another. I've felt barely awake with the amount of benadryl I've had to take. But all in all no matter what my body puts me through I'm going through with it. I know that if I don't have anxiety about one thing I'll have it about another. =)