male only Wife's sex drive

[Sassafrassa 33]

My opinion is no matter what forum we post in, the nature should only be supportive! Considering this is the men's forum, men should be able to speak openly about their concerns about ANYTHING and not get blasted by anyone. Be supportive people!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

My two cents -

You posted in the guys room but have welcomed the opinions of the women. I posted something in here about my marriage and fears I had about how me getting the surgery might affect my marriage and I got lambasted by women so I know that there is no safety in "the guys room." I don't care that I am going to be attacked for writing what feels like the truth from my perspective. I hope it helps you.

From what I have read in your posts you are missing more than sex with your wife. You are missing intimacy. There is nothing wrong with wanting intimacy and nothing wrong with wanting sex. You love your wife and want to have a complete relationship with her and that is completely and totally normal. It sounds to me like you have gone above and beyond in trying to be supportive and compassionate towards your wife. I don't think its fair for posters - men and women - to tell you that there is a problem with your approach or that you need to change or need to wait longer or be more supportive. Frankly, I think that in marriages where the woman wants sex less than the man it is always the man's fault and where the wife wants more sex than the man it is always the man's fault. You're thinking of your wife's needs and it sounds like you have put her needs before yours for quite some time. She needs to think of your needs too. She isn't. That is a problem.

Her lack of sex drive may have nothing to do with her surgery. It may have nothing to do with your approach. It may have nothing to do with her feelings about her body. It sounds like she isn't willing to talk about it with you. That is a problem.

Before getting surgery myself I did a lot of research about its affect on marriage. boiling it down to one sentence, WLS makes strong marriages with the right foundations stronger and weak marriages with the wrong foundations weaker. Is it possible she settled for you? Did she marry you because she felt that she was fat and ugly and she better marry the first guy that came along? Does she love you now? Did she ever love you? These are things to think about and to talk with your wife about, It seems to me that if you love someone you do thinks to make them happy even if you don't want to do them sometimes. For example, I took my wife to an opera because she loved it. Why should sex be any different? It is one thing to be constantly be pressured to have sex when you aren't in the mood but giving it up when you aren't in the mood once in awhile should not be seen as completely unfair. You should be asking yourself why she doesn't seem to have any interest in pleasing you.

You can't make anyone, your wife included, love you, be attracted to you or want to have sex with you. You have to take things as they are with open eyes. You said that you feel like it isn't a marriage but is a roommate situation. You have to evaluate this marriage. You have to express your feelings to your wife in a non-judgmental and non-accusatory way. You have to tell her that you don't feel loved. You have to decided if you want to stay in this marriage if things don't change and you have to tell your wife if you don't want to be in a marriage like yours currently is. You have to do whatever you can to fix things - propose counseling etc but its possible she is just passively agressively pushing you to leave.

Why must it always be someone's "fault"? For the life of me, I can't figure that one out.

[supportive hubby 42]

Hawk 7775. That's how I feel exactly and I told her again tonight in a nice and understanding way. That I'm just a normal guy that has needs. And she understood but I said I just missed her touch and feeling loved and she kinda joked about it and did say she was sorry for the whole thing (lack of intimacy) and I said I guess it's just something I'm gonna live with ...she didn't answer me cus we got interrupted by our daughter.

[Hawk7775 54]

Why must it always be someone's "fault"? For the life of me, I can't figure that one out.

Me too. I didn't say it was his or his wife's fault. I said that it seems to me that its always the man's fault. It shouldn't be that way. I said it isn't fair for people to basically tell him that it is his "fault" because he is approaching things the wrong way or should wait longer. His thoughts, feelings and needs are just as valid as hers. I said she isn't considering them like he is trying to consider hers. I said that was a problem. Problems do not equal fault.

[renman23 18]

Hawk 7775. That's how I feel exactly and I told her again tonight in a nice and understanding way. That I'm just a normal guy that has needs. And she understood but I said I just missed her touch and feeling loved and she kinda joked about it and did say she was sorry for the whole thing (lack of intimacy) and I said I guess it's just something I'm gonna live with ...she didn't answer me cus we got interrupted by our daughter.

I'm new here so, i'll take it slow. HOWEVER... Life is short. One of the positives of this type of decision is to re-embrace LIFE AND LIVING.

Sex is an important part of life and i can tell that you want to share that with your wife. but if she wont then you need to consider. for yourself , putting ALL options on the table.

Do you REALLY want to go the rest of your life without SEX? Without the intimacy that it can have?

Dont just ASSUME that you should stay with her. dont just assume that some magical day it will get better.

you only have so many days left, you need to make the most of them.

Do what you can to make your marriage work, but remember that YOUR needs are important! If she wont help fill those needs....

Edited February 19, 2015 by renman23