male only Wife's sex drive

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Well, when I see bad advice, I discuss it. Whether it be regarding WLS, a caring relationship or lipstick color.

[EnjoyingInsanity 17]

I am in a sexless marriage. When I researched “sexless marriage” on the web, the definition was a couple that has sex 10 times or less per year. I had to laugh because I realized if I was having sex 10 times a year I wouldn’t have done the web search in the first place. Part of the problem has been poor health for both of us. I sometimes feel like we are just old friends that live together. We will stay together as far as I’m concerned because of the promises I made. A couple of years ago when I was angry about it I stayed due to my promise to God. Now I stay due to my promise to her as well. It’s not a lot of fun and having my integrity isn’t always that satisfying but I guess it’s just the way I was brought up. Stay strong and avoid an affair is my advice.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

@@supportive hubby

How are things?

[supportive hubby 42]

Not any better. She's been sick and tried to talk to her about how I'm feeling and she got all defensive and making more excuses why she is not in the mood. Blames it mostly on me for being tired and working a lot etc and when I said so why do you avoid taking showers with me and her answer is more excuses like I just wanted to take a quick shower etc.

I don't know what I'm going to do anymore

[Sassafrassa 33]

Sometimes I think the more the issue of sex is raised (when the woman has been saying no) the more she will continue to say no becauase she probably feels pressured. I think its awesome that you look at her and she can be wrapping presents and you just want her... Every woman has a button... even when theyre not in the mood and you press that button, the deal is sealed. But it needs to be suttle and romantic.. youre right. Women work differently. Maybe just go back to basics? Romance her. Let the sex go for a while and focus on "wooing" her. Maybe that will help and reduce the frustration a bit. Good luck!

[Sassafrassa 33]

Sorry - i didnt see your last response. Sorry to hear its no better that's a bummer.

[tomi71 581]

Not any better. She's been sick and tried to talk to her about how I'm feeling and she got all defensive and making more excuses why she is not in the mood. Blames it mostly on me for being tired and working a lot etc and when I said so why do you avoid taking showers with me and her answer is more excuses like I just wanted to take a quick shower etc.

I don't know what I'm going to do anymore

Sorry.

You guys are in my thoughts. Its difficult but it can get better.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Not any better. She's been sick and tried to talk to her about how I'm feeling and she got all defensive and making more excuses why she is not in the mood. Blames it mostly on me for being tired and working a lot etc and when I said so why do you avoid taking showers with me and her answer is more excuses like I just wanted to take a quick shower etc.

I don't know what I'm going to do anymore

You are going to be patient. You say "Let's take a shower", she hears, "Let's have sex!!". You say, "I want to cuddle", she hears, "Let's have SEX!!!". You say, "You look hot!", she hears, "Let's have SEX!!!!!!!!".

She is going through a lot of changes and her hormones are out of control. If she is like many women going through this, she has been on her period a lot since having surgery. Did you know that estrogen is stored in fat cells? As she loses weight, that estrogen is released and she is a walking surge. It sucks.

If you love her, you will wait it out. It's not easy, but it will be worth it.

[Jersrose43 837]

You sound like my husband and the last thing I want is sex

It's CONSTANT pressure to f

CONSTANT

Girl can't take a pee without a reference to his Dick

Want to see it?

No I don't

I mean every single possible second.

I don't know how old you are but grow the f up.

[teemarie1078 165]

You sound like my husband and the last thing I want is sex

It's CONSTANT pressure to f

CONSTANT

Girl can't take a pee without a reference to his d**k

Want to see it?

No I don't

I mean every single possible second.

I don't know how old you are but grow the f up.

Isn't this the guy's room? If you can't be nice.. Or offer advice other than to compare to your own husband and tell people to grow up, not sure why you are even in here!

[teacherlady2133 258]

I think the last comment was out of line... I am sorry that others can't find compassion for the topic... I am sorry your marriage is going through this... If you have a strong foundation you guys will get through this... Hang in there...

[Bigboy76 102]

Well...the topic of women in the guys room has been very touchy in here for quite a while. I would agree with the last statement that since there was tolerance on this post assuming "helpful" comments would happen, if comments like this are going to happen, stay out of the guys room. I've been trying to keep it neutral...and keep my boy Rova from exploding... (Lol!) but I'm about to say nothing the next he goes off about this (no more neutral for Bigboy) because these type of comments put me in full support of no women allowed!!!

Just to add more man's perspective, our testosterone gets absorbed in our fat cells too. Since my surgery, I am the pig that is being described. The wood pile is stacked every morning, and we are men!!! Sex is on our mind all the time! We don't try to make that happen, it just is how we were made!!!!

My wife had the surgery. She's changing too...but there's something deeper when your wife isn't responding to you sexually. I continue to agree about romancing her. However,if it doesn't work, to avoid cheating, it's time to seek counseling. I think you have been patient Bro! A man can only be patient so long. I understand the pressure comments to a degree...but damn..it's a thing called compromise in marriage too!!! I shouldn't have to beg my wife for sex!!!

Here for ya Bro!!

[catdaddy 232]

I agree

[tomi71 581]

Honesty is the best policy. If sex is an important part of a marriage then that needs to be said straight up. That way both parties have the opportunity to make clear and thoughtful decisions about their futures.

I do have to bring up one thing though, just food for thought....if ones spouse was unable to have sex due to say, a different serious medical condition, would the feelings (both emotional and physical) of frustration be the same? Would there exist a temptation to satisfy elsewhere, those biological urges?

The point I am trying to make is that sex is a profound, complicated, and psychological state of being....for both men and women. Yes we do it out of biological needs but we also (hopefully) do it out of deep feelings for our partner. But there are more ways to show love. Queue the eye rolling in 3...2...1: I know that if I was unable to ever have relations again, I'd like to think I would be Zen enough to tell my husband to treasure the time we had together but now its time to move on. Because I love him and only want his happiness. And if he decided he had to move on then whomever he chooses had BETTER love him right or else she'll meet the devil's niece.....me. Btw, he has said the exact thing to me....he's been deployed enough over the past 25 years so this is a common conversation. He doesn't believe me when I tell him I will never leave his side, btw. Lets hope I never have to prove it. He's said the same to me.

I think the best way to "solve" this problem is a) don't take it personal, try marriage counseling. I will admit that as I typed a), I heard myself saying GTFOH! HOW DOES ONE NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL?? Its hard and I am no expert at not taking things personal but its worth a try.

Also, for some this topic might seem facetious but keep in mind that someone/two or more people, are really hurting because of this issue in their marriage. There is no need to attack a fella or a lady who is pouring their heart out asking for help and input.

At any rate, I know this is the guys room but I wanted to comment because I have been in the same boat. Its difficult. I had a very messed up pov about men. I used to truly believe they were incapable of real love and that us women can be easily replaced. Sadly, it took seeing an aunt die of cancer and an uncle still mourning her 30 years later and my grown son crying his eyes out on my shoulder because a long-time girlfriend broke up with him to see I was wrong in my thinking. So you can see by those two stories my hubby and I have had our issues.

The good news is it can get better and when it does....wowwheeee!????

It just takes time and work and most importantly forgiveness and understanding and some time in neutral territory. Just remember, you can only control yourself. Don't threaten, don't give ultimatums.

[Hawk7775 54]

My two cents -

You posted in the guys room but have welcomed the opinions of the women. I posted something in here about my marriage and fears I had about how me getting the surgery might affect my marriage and I got lambasted by women so I know that there is no safety in "the guys room." I don't care that I am going to be attacked for writing what feels like the truth from my perspective. I hope it helps you.

From what I have read in your posts you are missing more than sex with your wife. You are missing intimacy. There is nothing wrong with wanting intimacy and nothing wrong with wanting sex. You love your wife and want to have a complete relationship with her and that is completely and totally normal. It sounds to me like you have gone above and beyond in trying to be supportive and compassionate towards your wife. I don't think its fair for posters - men and women - to tell you that there is a problem with your approach or that you need to change or need to wait longer or be more supportive. Frankly, I think that in marriages where the woman wants sex less than the man it is always the man's fault and where the wife wants more sex than the man it is always the man's fault. You're thinking of your wife's needs and it sounds like you have put her needs before yours for quite some time. She needs to think of your needs too. She isn't. That is a problem.

Her lack of sex drive may have nothing to do with her surgery. It may have nothing to do with your approach. It may have nothing to do with her feelings about her body. It sounds like she isn't willing to talk about it with you. That is a problem.

Before getting surgery myself I did a lot of research about its affect on marriage. boiling it down to one sentence, WLS makes strong marriages with the right foundations stronger and weak marriages with the wrong foundations weaker. Is it possible she settled for you? Did she marry you because she felt that she was fat and ugly and she better marry the first guy that came along? Does she love you now? Did she ever love you? These are things to think about and to talk with your wife about, It seems to me that if you love someone you do thinks to make them happy even if you don't want to do them sometimes. For example, I took my wife to an opera because she loved it. Why should sex be any different? It is one thing to be constantly be pressured to have sex when you aren't in the mood but giving it up when you aren't in the mood once in awhile should not be seen as completely unfair. You should be asking yourself why she doesn't seem to have any interest in pleasing you.

You can't make anyone, your wife included, love you, be attracted to you or want to have sex with you. You have to take things as they are with open eyes. You said that you feel like it isn't a marriage but is a roommate situation. You have to evaluate this marriage. You have to express your feelings to your wife in a non-judgmental and non-accusatory way. You have to tell her that you don't feel loved. You have to decided if you want to stay in this marriage if things don't change and you have to tell your wife if you don't want to be in a marriage like yours currently is. You have to do whatever you can to fix things - propose counseling etc but its possible she is just passively agressively pushing you to leave.