Secret Stuff You Never Knew About Women

Carlene · May 21, 2007

Breasts are not a speed bump to the promised land.

Yes, we want you to be more verbal. No, burping doesn't count.

Kissing is something that you need to stay engaged in, even if all the blood is rushing out of your head and into other parts of your body.

If we're crying and you're holding us and get a hard-on, we automatically deduct points.

And getting a boner while we're sleeping next to you is not an excuse to wake us up. This is not what they mean by serendipity.

We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it.

You don't get a vote in the preferred shape of our pubic hair. Until you've had hot wax poured all over your crotch, you're merely a passenger on that flight.

Even a private plane will not make up for the fact that you have bad breath.

Text messaging is for children and people who are having affairs. Don't be either.

If you just listen and let her cry, it will lead to deep, wet, soulful sex. If you like that kind of thing.

We like younger men for the same reasons you like younger women.

There are two spots on women that need to be touched more: the back of the neck and the lower back. Fireworks.

You know that thing about men being hunters? We don't buy that as an excuse to screw around.

Don't try to figure us out. We don't even understand ourselves. Just think of us as a complex carbohydrate that's good for you.

We need you. Because a vibrating piece of plastic can't kiss.

Crying and saying you're sorry for calling us Halle berry during sex still doesn't make it okay.

We can't have sex without expecting a call from you the next day.

You may consider a root canal less painful, but this much is true, no matter the woman: We sincerely want to talk about how you feel.

Under the right circumstances, like after you surprise us with a foot massage, we are willing to consider your newfound beer belly a sexy addition.

Looks don't matter. That much.

We think it's okay if you get fat and go bald. Please do us the same courtesy.

When we say we "almost tried that in college," it means we did. At least twice.

When we start getting undressed in front of you with the lights on, it means we've lost interest.

No, that is not our clitoris, but please -- keep trying.

If you're funny, we will sleep with you.

Remember in old movies when women used to swoon and "take to the bed" for days at a time? That never happens. We're stronger than that. That being said, if we ever decide to "take to the bed" for days at a time, there's not a thing you can do about it.

Superskinny women really irritate us. We hate when they say, "Sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my anniversary and where I parked my car. But I've never forgotten to eat.

We do like to have sex, just not at midnight when we have to get up at the crack of dawn to feed two kids, three dogs, and a pair of fat goldfish.

We'll gladly agree to stop complaining about our "time of the month" if men will kindly take over the little chores of childbearing, morning sickness, and postpartum emotional swings. Deal?

Women really do want to be on time. It's just that everything starts so darned early.

We know high heels are sexy, but we'll take our comfy black Uggs any day of the week.

Homespun wisdom from someone who knows: Just because we're southern belles doesn't mean we have bats in our belfries.

We really do like to cook. It's just that we cooked so much for our boyfriends before we got married that we're sick of being in the kitchen. Sorry you missed it.

Women produce half the world's food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we're ﬁne with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at really good restaurants, we should be even.

Women remember everything . Don't believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won't tell you it was at a party. She'll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy's pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what's up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?")

We think it's weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.