unsupportive family - help needed

[cadladykim 55]

I need advice. My husband and my family are not exactly thrilled about me having this surgery. they say they are supportive...but... I hear CONSTANTLY:

"well if you know you can do the post op eating regimine after surgery, just start that now and don't have the surgery"

"you just have to be stronger willed and not eat as much"

"just do the pre-op diet for longer. or do the post op diet now... why the rush..."

"just....why cant you ..." anything they can think of to convince me that surgery is NOT the right choice.

Honestly, the only 2 things that kept me from doing it earlier is the fear of family rejection and fear of post-op complications from surgery. Not the lifestyle, not the eating, not the change in everything I know. The fear of complications. And I know that's their fear too.

so knowing that, how do I answer their questions? I know that logically that make sense and we should just do that. However, practically I know I cant do it, or I would have already done it. I tell them that and then I hear I just need to be better at being strong willed.

I'm a week and a half away from my 6th month weight in. all my other tests and pre-op tests and evaluations will be done on the 23rd. then it gets submitted to insurance for approval. I've been doing this for 6 months with the doctors. But It took 2 years of going back and forth (in my mind) to make this decision. I am ready. more than ready, I'm excited!!

Well, I WAS excited. Now I'm scared again and wondering if it worth the risk.

ARG!!!

[maggie0210 117]

I did not have family support either, except for my younger sister. It makes it very complicated. Do you go to support group meetings? They can really help. You hear everyone's story and questions. But to cheer you up, I met my 1 year anniversary this week. Lost over 100 pounds. Also corrected many health problems. I feel so much better now. For years I went on so many diets, none of them worked long term. My surgeon said its like a switch in you is broken. Its not your fault, has nothing to do with willpower.

I had no complications, but some do. Its all different for different people. If you go in with a positive attitude, you will do just fine. Do you have any supportive friends? Talk to them. I found my family more supportive after surgery. Email me if you want at emmafiona0926@gmail.com. If I can help, I will. Best of luck to you. It is the right decision if you really want to change.

[leanora27801 315]

My husband says he supports me, but every now and then he will ask why am I doing the surgery. The thing is my husband is attracted to big women, but he also wants me to be happy and healthy. My kids are supportive as teenagers can be. My parents are excited for me and are going to the hospital with me. Even with their support, you still feel alone in this because no one knows your battle with your weight. I'm glad you joined this group because everyone here has been where you are and can relate to you. I've been battling my weight since birth and have been trying to get this surgery for three years but my old insurance made it hard for me so I switched companies. Like maggie0210 said, join an local support group so you can meet people and hear their journeys. I'm also here if you ever need to talk or need support. My surgery is Monday the 15th and I'm excited. This experience is giving you your life back and don't let anyone take that from you. My email is leanoramoore@yahoo.com and you can email me anytime.

[jcmo 40]

My husband had the surgery about 2yrs ago. Throughout the process I had a ton of concerns, and was admittedly surgery. I loved him the way he was and felt he could do it be himself. Of course I supported him once he went thru with the surgery 100%. 2.5 yrs later he is down 130 lbs and feeling great. food is still a challenge for him some days. Because of his success ( and he had complication...infections), I an going thru the process myself for the surgery. I am looking forward to the surgery to use it as a tool to improve many health concerns. Take it from me, when your family sees how you do and how much happier you are, they WILL support your decision.

[emsgirl114 88]

I need advice. My husband and my family are not exactly thrilled about me having this surgery. they say they are supportive...but... I hear CONSTANTLY:

"well if you know you can do the post op eating regimine after surgery, just start that now and don't have the surgery"

"you just have to be stronger willed and not eat as much"

"just do the pre-op diet for longer. or do the post op diet now... why the rush..."

"just....why cant you ..." anything they can think of to convince me that surgery is NOT the right choice.

Honestly, the only 2 things that kept me from doing it earlier is the fear of family rejection and fear of post-op complications from surgery. Not the lifestyle, not the eating, not the change in everything I know. The fear of complications. And I know that's their fear too.

so knowing that, how do I answer their questions? I know that logically that make sense and we should just do that. However, practically I know I cant do it, or I would have already done it. I tell them that and then I hear I just need to be better at being strong willed.

I'm a week and a half away from my 6th month weight in. all my other tests and pre-op tests and evaluations will be done on the 23rd. then it gets submitted to insurance for approval. I've been doing this for 6 months with the doctors. But It took 2 years of going back and forth (in my mind) to make this decision. I am ready. more than ready, I'm excited!!

Well, I WAS excited. Now I'm scared again and wondering if it worth the risk.

ARG!!!

you've made up your mind. Don't let fear stop you. Don't let their fear stop your journey. You've come this far. Imagine what your future can hold. Imagine with out what ifs. Imagine being healthy and happy. And not being fearful. You deserve to feel good inside and out. IT IS WORTH IT. You are worth it.

[orionova 27]

Hello, fellow Pens fan! Have you taken your husband to a support group meeting? That might help. If you can get him on board, he can help you stand your ground with the rest of your family. They are probably concerned aboput the fact that it is major surgery, since general anesthetic is used. That's what mine are concerned about. I tell them that the risks of the surgery are far outweighed by the risks of staying morbidly obese. I lost weright on my own before, and they saw that. But they also saw me gain it all back then some, so I think they get it that dieting on your own just isn't the answer for us. Sure, we can take it off. But it always comes back. The surgery gives us the help we need to keep it off for good.

[GAWildKat 82]

I'm 44 days out, I thankfully have my husband's support on the surgery, he'd rather see me not need to have surgery, but I have congestive heart failure and my family doc felt this was a good choice given the fact I also have cerebral palsy, we've discussed this off and on for years, now my insurance finally covers the surgery.

[laurenella82 625]

I'm still pre-op as well and I have told some people. Most if my family is supportive. My mom says my dad is scared for me. But then he cried about me going to college in Florida and with me when I was told I had to have a c section. But my grandmother seems to think it is a bad idea. Her exact words to me were "you're gonna f@*k it up like you always do." And to make it seem like less of an insult she says "that's what we do. We f$*k s#%t up." Meanwhile, she's about to have another knee replacement. Also 2 others who have never been morbidly obese or even overweight had sone things to say. But when I asked them to put themselves in my shoes and then asked them to research the surgery and the process post-op, they changed their minds. Not grandma tho smh.

It's a good thing I'm not doing this for anyone but me...and my 3 year old son who just wants his mommy around!

I think that people fear the unknown. I think people try to discourage us because they don't want us to feel better about ourselves. They like us fat abd unhappy and dependant on them ( not saying that's your situation).

At the end of the day, this is about you. Do this for you! And let them know that the reward is greater than the risk. There are way more success stories than not. You're you.g to be a success! They should ride that train with you!

God bless!

[coastalchick 61]

I'm dealing with some of the same issues as most of you also, my family say's they are supportive, but then undermine my confidence with stories of people with complications, and those who died due to the gastric bypass. I have decided that this is the one very selfish thing that I am doing, all for me, without anyone elses approval...period. I have diabetes, insanely high cholesterol, sleep apnea, and fibro. I'm sorry everyone else didn't do the research I did, and go through the steps with me, or the meetings..... I'm done with everyone's fear mongering. I WILL have my surgery this coming thrusday, and everyone else can suck it. LOL

I wish all of you the best, we have worked the programs, and have prepared ourselves, and our families the best we can. It's their turn to get with the program now, no second guessing yourselves because of others fears or insecurities. Believe in yourselves, YOU GOT THIS.

Edited December 13, 2014 by coastalchick

[anaxila 501]

I'm done with everyone's fear mongering. I WILL have my surgery this coming thrusday, and everyone else can suck it. LOL

Yeah! There you go! Now you've got it.

[drmeow 323]

Before I began seriously researching WLS I believed the media stories about how unsafe it is and how people just regain the weight, etc. Even my PCP gave me the "weight regain" comment in trying to discourage me. But those stories are just the ones which make the news, b/c successes are not as interesting to read about somehow. Most non-obese people really think it's just a matter of willpower, and have no idea of the hormonal and genetic causes of obesity, so they think WLS is "the easy way out" as other threads have talked about, and why should we get to do it "the easy way" when they have to diet and exercise to lose their 10 extra holiday pounds?

Out of all the diets I've tried, low carb worked the best for me and I stuck with it the longest and lost the most amount of weight, as well as physically felt the best on it, but I still fell off and regained it all plus 20 more. I think I will be able to use that in my post-op maintenance phase to prevent regain, but I need the feedback from the pouch and possible dumping to keep me from straying very far.

I don't plan on telling very many people about the surgery. I'm separated from husband so that won't be a problem (he'd be entirely unsupportive, just as he was when I dieted) and I plan to tell my kids I'm having some stomach problems that need surgery (truth!) and they will not bother to inquire any further. At some point after losing a lot I'm sure I will let them know and others as well, but I can't deal with the comments early on and beforehand.

[cadladykim 55]

Thanks for the replies everyone. i know they will eventually come around when they see that surgery didn't kill or disfigure me (their main concern).

The questions I have the hardest time answering is "You'll have to eat less after surgery - so just do it now that way you wont need the surgery. Just eat that way now and it will be the same. How is having a surgery different than just doing that?" I dont know how to answer this?

My mom and dad, just last night tried to push me into hypnosis telling me it's just as good. They are so very desperate for me NOT to do this for fear of complications or death during or after surgery. They all think it's about lack of willpower (and I admit it is to a degree).

I've lost almost 30 pounds in the last 6 months during my weigh in's. maybe that's why they think it will continue if I just have enough will power and don't eat as much. Teaches me to be successful, huh?!

There are no support groups in my area. the hospital has information meetings every month but they are rarely attended and are not support meetings - besides I live about an hour away from the hospital.

t's so aggravating I cry myself to sleep most nights thinking about this. Last weigh in is on the 23rd! I want the surgery NOW and for it all to be done and over with so i can get on with my life!

[cadladykim 55]

"...I don't plan on telling very many people about the surgery. I'm separated from husband so that won't be a problem (he'd be entirely unsupportive, just as he was when I dieted) and I plan to tell my kids I'm having some stomach problems that need surgery (truth!) and they will not bother to inquire any further. At some point after losing a lot I'm sure I will let them know and others as well, but I can't deal with the comments early on and beforehand."

I couldn't agree more. I don't have any intention on telling anyone anything especially my kids or my work. If they ask all I plan on saying is I am having some stomach problems that need surgery as well.