Sharing very little with very few

[anaxila 501]

I have surgery 4 weeks from today, which means I've had to start the process of applying for medical leave at work. Luckily, I work for a big company and we contract out to a faceless "leave management company", so I don't have to actually explain to anyone I know what is going on.

Still I've had to tell my boss that I'm having surgery on January 6 (yay!) and will be out for 6-8 weeks. He respectfully asked if I wanted to share any information about what was going on, and I respectfully declined to do so. This is a weird feeling because I am generally very close with my boss and we share way more than we should, but I just don't want to go there with him. It's a weird barrier, though.

I'm doing the same thing with my employees. I've told them I'm having surgery and will be out, but not why. And we're generally very close as a team and tend to over-share on lots of things, so it's a weird barrier. It doesn't help that one of my employees is out right now for a double-mastectomy and reconstruction, and she's been very open with her process but I'm not doing the same with mine. I fear it will cause trust issues with the team, but don't know how to avoid it without sharing more than I'm ready to do. It's probably only strange because of how open and transparent I usually am with things, but in this case the only thing I like less than concealing it would be sharing it.

Edited December 9, 2014 by anaxila

[Jonathan Blue 311]

It is a very personal decision as to whether to tell people you are having surgery or not. What works for some will not for others. What is ultimately important is your own comfort with sharing. If you don't mind me asking, why do you not want to share this with others? Do you have a strategy in mind for when people start asking how you are losing weight so rapidly? For those that choose to keep this journey to themselves, questions will still arise and may already be coming up. The biggest piece of advice I can give is to have a plan on how to react and deal with the various questions you may get. That way you don't over share in the moment or say something you did not necessarily want to divulge. I know it is a very personal experience and choice that is as varied as the people who have the surgery done.

When I had my surgery I let everyone know. There were plenty of detractors, but I went after them with the facts or just wrote them off as people I didn't need to keep around. I liked being open because it kept me accountable when I got back to work and around others. I knew I had to eat right and tow the line because everyone was watching. I had no choice but to succeed because of the number of eyes that were on me beyond just my own grit and determination to be successful.

You are about to undertake and amazing journey and it is always great to have companions along the way. Be sure to rely on the forums and members here as a source of information and encouragement. There will be times, even when everyone knows, that you will feel a little along because others will just not get it. Just don't forget that we are all here for you, cheering you on!

[anaxila 501]

Thank you, @@Jonathan Blue. I just teared up reading your reply, so clearly i am very fragile about this.

I tend to be an open book with people about just about everything in my life - often more than I should - but I've never talked about my weight with anyone. I just don't have any script for it, but I do have a strong mental model that says don't ever admit weakness or arm people with what they need to hurt you. Which is silly, because the people in my life are wonderful, but the thought pattern persists nonetheless.

I think I'm hedging because I'm afraid that surgery will not work for me - that I will fail, and everyone will know I failed. Although I know I'm fat, and clearly everyone who meets me knows I'm fat, somehow actually acknowledging that I'm aware of it and hate it and am so desperate that I'll have part of my body cut out to fix it... that's terrifying. It's giving people extra ammunition to judge me. And I know they're doing it already, and that nothing bad happens to me from being judged, but I still hate it.

I don't really have a plan for how to talk about it with people, and clearly I need to fix that soon. I just got my surgery date last week, and didn't worry about disclosure while it was still abstract. I am in a high-visibility leadership position at a large company, so I'll definitely need to deal with comments and compliments after the fact for sure. I know it will be weird to be suddenly so visible after years of invisibility (hiding in plain sight as a fat person), but after-the-fact disclosure is less scary to me than putting it out there before I've got anything to show for it.

I don't know. I need to think about this more. I'm so grateful for this site to have a place to work through these thoughts.

[Jonathan Blue 311]

@@anaxila,

I know it can be very difficult putting yourself out there. We all deal with pain associated from our weight and worrying about what others think of us behind our back. I have horror story after horror story of chairs breaking, needing to buy special work uniforms, and being rejected for dates because I was too fat. I was the one that was invisible to everyone other than I was the elephant in the room. To tell you the truth even though I am down over 210lbs. I still feel like that guy sometimes.

Right now, being a high profile executive, you know how important positive self talk can be. I want you to stop thinking about what if the surgery doesn't work. IT WILL WORK. If you follow the plan and rely on the others on here for help and advice, you have no choice but to succeed. I have a blog and there are three special posts on there about how I prepared for surgery, as well as a host of other great articles about my journey and ways to stay motivated. There are even some healthy cooking demos. I really recommend you check it out. The link is below my signature. I think the prepping for surgery posts will be especially good for you to read over.

Things will change as you lose weight and the confident inner person that you weight has kept quiet will start to emerge. That is an amazing time and people will definitely take notice. In the last year I have gotten two promotions at work and been invited be a part of several committees just because my personality has emerged and become one that people just want to be around. I think its awesome. It is the true me that has always been there, just covered up by fat. It will be absolutely amazing and I am so excited for you. Use what people say as motivation to help you succeed. There will always be negative people. It is how you deal with them that affects your success.

If you need anything at all, my contact information is below. I will do what I can to help you out.

[Tall Girl 74 6]

Hi anaxila, I am very much like you. I have told 3 people, and that's it. I had the Lap Band in 2010, and it worked good for 6 months, then I got pregnant, and the band slipped. So I've been throwing up for 3 years....and I am just now talking to a surgeon about GB. He said it will happen in January, so I am hopefull. I am like you, I do not want anyone knowing that I am getting this done. I do not want people judging me. I didn't tell people that I had the band either. And with the band, it took a while to lose weight, so everyone just thought that I was "doing good and eating right" , and therefore lost weight. And I didn't tell them any different. I am not telling people because I do not want to defend myself my choice to anyone. I don't have the strength to stand up for myself...not right now. And if I hear "just work out and eat right" one more time...I will go crazy!! I am not sure this will work for either. The Lap Band was good for a few months, and I lost about 45 pounds, it was great, and I felt great. But since it didn't work after the baby, and I've been struggling with it for the last 3 years, and gained ALL the weight back, I am scared that I won't be able to make this work either. I am reading post after post about people saying that they do not feel hunger anymore....that to me is amazing!!! Cause I am hungry ALL THE TIME. And people are saying that they do not even want sweet things anymore....amazing. I am scared that I am getting this help, and I will just screw it up.

I understand your thinking. I do. I am hoping that after I have this done...and everything is going good....that I have a change in heart, and if someone ask me if I had this done, I will say "hell yeah I did! And it is working for ME! Look how great I am looking and feeling now!!!"

I don't know why this type of operation is such a "failure" operation for us fat people. I am SURE that if there was an operation for people that were strung out on drugs...if there was something that they could operate, they would! And everyone would he happy for them that they took a step in the right direction, that they chose a healthy life instead of drugs. Right??

It is a good thing that you are talking about it and expressing your feelings...but you need to know....that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Take Care!!

[anaxila 501]

It only took me a few days to realize that keeping this news to myself is just not feasible. I’m so open with all other aspects of my life that being cagey about why I’m taking this medical leave of absence is not working at all.

I told my boss (Joe) about having surgery as soon as I got my approval, but didn’t say what it was for. He asked, but didn’t push back at all when I said I was keeping it to myself for now because I hadn’t even spoken with my family yet. During a subsequent conversation, I clarified that it was “abdominal”.

I’d heard that the head of our division (Larry) had gastric bypass years ago, but I didn’t know him then and I can’t picture him at the size people have said he was. He’s extremely fit and a true success story. As you may have guessed, Larry had an immediate inkling about what I’m having done, and told Joe that if I’m having bariatric surgery it’s a really really big life-changing deal and that Joe should tell me that Larry would love to talk with me about his experience if I was interested.

That led to a hilarious (if painful) conversation where Joe was asking-without-asking if I’m having bariatric surgery next month, and if so offering-without-offering to chat with Larry about it because he’s been there too. Joe is incredibly handsome and fit and a golden boy with absolutely no frame of reference for how to ask a fat woman if she’s having bariatric surgery. He managed to make himself understood without using the words "gastric", "bariatric", or any variation on "weight loss" or "obese", and it wasn't easy. We’re great friends and allies at work, and I adore him to pieces as a boss, so I very much wanted to put him out of his misery.

We’re close enough that I could mock him for his horrible awkwardness afterward: “Hey, could we engineer more situations where you have to have incredibly uncomfortable conversations that you dread? Because that was really fun for me!” We had a good laugh over it, and I learned my lesson about maintaining relationships and trust with the people at work who are like family.

Edited December 12, 2014 by anaxila

[MBM1Forever 107]

This is a funny thing for me. For some, I have openly discussed and for others, I choose to let them wonder. It isn't that I am trying to be cagey, its that I just don't want to have them openly express concern as I don't believe it to be genuine. In short, I just don't care what most think, but I also don't want to be their sounding board about it either. Most people I am around on a daily basis know and I am really comfortable with that. In the end, most will guess anyway, so who cares?

[orionova 27]

I've been pretty damn open about the fact that I'm planning on having the surgery. Probably too open. However, it has led me to meet several people who said "oh, yeah. I had that...", which led to good conversations. Then again, I've always been open about my life, except when I was going through my divorce. I'm still in therapy over that. (See? I did it again!)

[ThreeCrows 46]

@@anaxila I love your story! Glad you could talk to your boss.

I realized I need to tell people up front, rather than chasing the rumor mill from the back end. I'm a pastor, so hundreds of people are looking right at me every week. They will notice. If I'm gone two weeks, then reappear and start dropping weight, it would be very obvious what I did, and set a bad precedent that weight struggles are to be ashamed of.

So I started a month ago telling a few of the most gossip-y people I know. Now I don't have to speak to everyone about it, and the word is out.

One of my best supporters is a colleague with no weight problem herself, but who is really wanting to help me get healthy. It's been great to have someone non-judgey to talk to. So far, all the comments made to me have been positive, including some people who kind of want WLS but are afraid. They are watching my experience closely.

[MamaTo3inNH 100]

Funny I haven't told my in laws ("family", right?) but have told my brothers, sister, and parents along with my hockey mom friends. I like my MIL but she is very judgey by nature and my other in laws are as judgey as the day is long. I have surgery in January and won't even see any i laws til Easter, and then again not til July so it's all good.

Tell who you are comfortable telling, and just work on a plan now for when questions are asked. Best of luck!!