Have you faced divorce?

[My Bariatric Life 764]

I'd like to hear from those patients whom have faced divorce after their weight loss. Did you go through with it? Why or why not? What is it that made you consider divorce after plastic weight loss (versus sooner in your relationship)? Are you happy with or do you regret your decision?

Thank you.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Decided before my surgery. Mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I needed to get my shit together to have the strength to leave. I did that five months post op. It's hard as hell but better than life was before.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@JustWatchMe good for you; I know it was not at all an easy thing to do. Do you think that you would have left if you had not had the weight loss surgery? Wishing you well, my love.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

It was coming for years but I had to get out of my food stupor to take action. It's the most difficult thing I've ever done.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

coming for years had to get out of my food stupor to take action. most difficult thing I've ever done.

@@JustWatchMe

you haven't been happy for quite awhile during your marriage

in the past you might not have felt confident enough about yourself to leave husband

being afraid to live/be by yourself et al

gaining confidence is a great NSV post op

(was for me)

you now feel better about yourself

many other great things too

took yourself off the back burner

put yourself right in the front where you belong

can't imagine how hard this divorce was/is for you

but you did it

look at you now!!!!

maybe a few bumps in the road

but i can see you will come out stronger in the end

you have lost 107 lbs with all your hard work with the lapband

then you lost an additional 150 lbs

hubby/dead weight around your neck is go

you have a wonderful future coming up

keep up the good work

kathy

congrats

Edited December 6, 2014 by proudgrammy

[lisacaron 5,075]

OK ladies I have to share my story with you all. I divorced in 2005. LONG before I even knew or would think about WLS. I was HUGE I was close to my highest weight ever at the time. My husband who I had been married to for nearly 20 years and with since the time I was 15 years old, had three children with was cheating on me.

(can you even imagine that someone would cheat on me?! me either..but it happened.)

The relationship had been going down hill for a long long time. We were not happy being together and we would fight about everything. When I think about it now, I understand how very different we were. I grew up, and my ex never really did. Even today he is still a man child!

The story in it's entirety would make you laugh and make you cry and make you cheer! I could write a movie about it no doubt...and someday...

The crux of it all is that when we split (I threw him out. I think Beyonce wrote that song irreplaceable about me! Yes because everything you own in a box to the left. Or a garbage bag because just about everything was mine and my doing so he was left with nothing but his underwear.)

I had a flash of major insecurity jeered on by him and who would want me...and be as "good" to me...hmm...if that was his idea of good...BAD would be better was my thinking!!

Still I was having what for me is a rare flash of insecurity about myself here I was this 35 (at the time) year old obese MORBIDLY obese woman divorced....(ugly word) with three kids! Who would find that attractive? Who would want me??

Well I wanted me...I forgot me for a long long time and I needed find out who I was again. So I did. I ditched the husband and took up the mantel of single working mother of three! OMG just thinking about it makes me tired...friends who were half my age at work came along and hooked me up with Yahoo personals, and got me on the internet and there I was at night in my bedroom chatting with men I had never met before! (Scandal!)

I was able to be bold and myself out there on the interweb.. (lol) and when it came time for that first "visit" of the ex and my kids...I couldn't take it I was so upset. I was about to curl up and cry but instead I got dressed and I went out on OMG what...yes a date! With some random guy I had never met only chatted with online. I met him at Starbucks and though he was not my type at all...he was not a wacko...and I felt like I had achieved a victory of sorts and got over my "fear". My ex was shocked to say the least when I got home and he asked where I was because I made him WAIT for me. I was around the corner but I still made him wait a good 20 minutes for me to arrive at the house. I told him on a date and I felt AWESOME! What did he think I would actually sit home and cry over him? Nope I was done with him and the crying, and it was time to move on and reclaim my life and remember who Lisa was and what she wanted out of life.

I met quite a few nice people, and enjoyed dating for what it was and it helped me to build up my confidence and self esteem again. Then I met Ken. His profile said "rescue me" I thought to myself man I feel that way too. He also was separated going through a divorce and I thought just from reading his profile we had something in common. Well I'll save all the rest of the details for that book/movie...and suffice to say that we connected and 7 years later I was married again! Something I thought I would NEVER do again!!

Never say never my friends! We both got married and we were at the largest weight either of us had ever been. Fast forward a year later and Ken was told he would need a hip replacement and no Dr. would touch him at his weight for that type of surgery. So we both had labpand surgery together 3 days apart.

Today we are alive and happy post hip replacement surgery and working toward our weight and fitness goals.

Don't get me wrong...divorce is HARD. It sucks, it's gut wrenching and if you let it it can destroy you. I can tell you this after the fact when you look back from a good place in your life you can see where both parties were at fault and you can accept your role in it and move on and you will be happier and healthier for it. You don't have to admit that to the other party just know it for yourself.

There is life after divorce, and WLS and plastics and it doesn't matter if you are fat, skinny, blonde, brunette, green eyes or brown. The key to it all and to finding happiness is finding that in yourself first and foremost. Love yourself for who you are. If you don't know who that is take the time to find who you are and define what you want from your life and in a partner and go for it!!!

Before I met Ken...I sat down with myself and wrote out what I wanted in my "perfect" man. I forgot about that..until cleaning out my bedroom and getting ready for his operation I found that paper and read it...and I can tell you that it described Ken to a "T" and I wrote it long before even having met him.

You are all strong wonderful people and I know that you are going to find your way through it and look back and say ah ha...

All my best to you!

[cdenney123 103]

Thank you @@lisacaron for that it was very inspirational. I went through a divorce in early 2013 because he was cheating on me as well. I lost 20 pounds and was almost at goal then between 2013 and 2014 I gained 60 plus pounds from emotionally eating and feeling really alone. I agree with you that a man will love you no matter what, but its hard to believe when you dont even love yourself, and thats where I realized I needed WLS help and meds.. Im feeling so much better about myself and believe I deserve a good man this time around.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@lisacaron thank you for such a thoughtful reply. A guide told me something similar to what you said, "The key to it all and to finding happiness is finding that in yourself first and foremost. Love yourself for who you are. If you don't know who that is take the time to find who you are and define what you want from your life." May I ask, how did you go about finding yourself and what you want from your life?

I am on such a journey and I just feel stuck not knowing where to look or the steps to take towards self discovery and awareness. The person I knew is, in a way, gone. After my PS I left my career and my home and the state that I lived in and my friends and everything that I knew. I went somewhere completely new, so many of the things that I identified my "self" with are no longer there. Last year I went through the physical transformation with the plastic surgery. This year I will address the emotional transformation. I have a guide that I work with to get in touch with my spirituality (not organized religion) because I closed that part of myself off when my mother became debilitated and terminally ill. He also is guiding me in relationships, relationship with my self and with a few people. I have begun reading the book, "Return to Love" at his suggestion.

I did a guided meditation last week and it was very powerful. It is only the second time in my life that I have done it and I will definitely be doing it again. Along that same line, a friend did a silent retreat and highly recommended it to me. So I shall do that in the outdoors once the weather is warm again. Meditation is something else that I have gotten away from and need back in my life.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Your description matches my experience as well. I would put it slightly differently - food and obesity both NUMBED me to the extent that I was able to live day to day in a relationship with someone I loved, but who really wasn't "present" and loving to me. After I got to goal, I tried hard to get him to join me in a new and better life (or lets be honest, ANY life together) and he just wasn't interested. He has his own "stuff" and it is complicated story, but bottom life we were not living a good quality life together.

Frankly, even though I ended the relationship, it was more like we had been "broken up" for quite some time,i was just the last one to wake up and realize it.

I regret that it happened because he is a good man and I loved him very much. However, sometimes things are just what they are... and I don't regret finally having the mojo to make the changes that needed to happen. I feel like I finally have a chance at a full life. I may wind up being single for this next phase of life, but that is less lonely than being in a "relationship" and feeling so alone.

We are still friends, we still talk about the kids, the dog etc.

It was coming for years but I had to get out of my food stupor to take action. It's the most difficult thing I've ever done.

Edited December 9, 2014 by CowgirlJane

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@CowgirlJane wow, just wow. I admire your strength and courage. It is one thing for a person to leave a spouse who is "bad" in one way or another (infidelity, etc). That is a pretty clear cut decision (although that doesn't mean it is easy). But to leave someone who is a good man because although you love him you are not in love (my words not yours) is, I imagine, extremely difficult. How did you do it?

[orionova 27]

I was tirty when I left my husband and moved myself and my son to the states. I was thirty-five when we divorced, but we hadn't lived together for those five years, and he was living with someone else. He didn't like that I divorced him, because his current wife told him that he had to marry her.

My ex abused me emotionally and sexually. He forced me to have sex with other men, which ledf to me being raped more than once. I was afraid that he would invite a man over to our house who would hurt my son, and I knew I had to get my son out of that environment. If it hadn't been for my son, I would have stayed, and most likely would be dead by now. I was suicidal for a while because of what happened. I am still in therapy a decade later.

I was lucky. I met a man who loves me as I am, but is fully supporting me in my Quest to have WLS. He loves my son as if he were his own, and is everything I could ask for in a partner. I love him with all my heart, but I don't think I will ever marry him. I'm just too gun shy.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

fully supporting me in my Quest to have WLS.

@@orionova

i can not possibly imagine the hardships you have endured these past many years.

Glad you are starting a new life with your son.

i am glad you will have people around you that support you

surgery has its ups and downs but..........

you are on your way to a healthier, happier, longer life

happy holidays

Wishing you a wonderful new life

you deserve only the best

i wish you well

kathy

Edited December 19, 2014 by proudgrammy

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Good grief, @orionova.

I'm so sorry.

[orionova 27]

I still get panic attacks and I have trouble being around strange men, but I'm getting better. Therapy has helped. I'm getting better every day, and WLS is going to help me get my health back. I feel lucky to have made it this far, but I'm not giving up. I have my son and my partner who both need me.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@orionova my love, my heart breaks thinking what you must have endured. I have spoken to so many WLS women that experienced some form of sexual assault, and I cannot even describe how filled with sadness I am for women who have endured abuse as a child or as an adult. It is a travesty the frequency with which this happens. And the lasting effects are profound. I am so proud of you for getting yourself and your son out of that situation. And my heart is filled with joy for your newfound life. I wish all good things for you from here on in. You deserve it.