Divorce after plastic surgery and/or bariatric surgery

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

divorce

@@My Bariatric Life

i was a good "average" weight when i got married at 19 years old

within a couple of years i gradually started to gain weight

my first marriage lasted 8 years

one wonderful daughter came from the marriage

his "performance" to have a baby probably took a few seconds

by the time i was up 50 lbs

ex-husband went to my parents - went to discuss my weight and he wasn't happy!!!

my weight always effected our marriage

after 8 years he wanted a divorce

sure there were other problems we had

but i think they all stemmed from being unhappy with my weight

and he hated me being overweight

he wanted nothing to do with me

surgery had nothing to do with marriage breaking up

the fact that he/me too hated me fat was the main contributor to the end of my marriage!!!!

met my 2nd husband a couple of years later

he was/is very supportive about my surgery

he loved the old me

but he loves the new me too after 23 years of marriage and counting

he loves that i am happier, healthier, and that i am enjoying/loving my new life

that makes him feel better too

kathy

Edited December 25, 2014 by proudgrammy

[Stevehud 1,790]

in talking with people, Ive seen a recurring theme, when one person make themselves into a new person its hard to expect the other person to change with you if they don't see the need. Ive seen bariatric surgery patients become health nuts, and try to force their new way of life on their partners or their friends and lose both , fast. Its like being a smoker and having a friend who quit they drive you nuts with their holier than thou attitude. Now they don't mean it, and they do not see it but they are overbearing and repulse the people they think they are helping. Translate that to a new lifestyle and it can easily cause relationships to fail. Its why I tell people, having weight loss surgery does not make them an expert in weight loss, in surgery or anything else. But many, do believe they are and try to change others. They do so with good intentions but it hurts and drives their friends and family etc nuts. This reason is why I have my wife involved in my weight loss heavily so that I don't forget how I got here. It is with the help and understanding of others combined with my drive, that I will succeed. I guess what it really comes down to is if we create a new self, can we truly be upset if someone else doesn't quite like that person.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Stevehud I appreciate your opinion and surely that does happen but it certainly was not the case for me nor other women I know. The relationship didn't end because I became a fitness guru and tried to convert him or anyone else.

[Countrygrrl 450]

I have had some relationship issues arise in pre surgery with my partner of 15 years. Her jabs and insecurities are coming out like a bully on recess. I have sat with her and said what I can. I know she's lashing out based on fear. False Evidence Appearing real. And since I was calm and asked what are her fears she told me point blank I wouldn't want her if I was skinny. And that the only thing we do together to have fun is based around food. This broke my heart. My other half is disabled and can't do what I love. But I do love her she has walked with me through death,birth,pain and joy. And I have to say I promise a lot of the time I didn't even like her. So when she acts like a nasty child I remember she's in full panic mode and I can walk through this with her.... But if she brings much more junk food

In the house I may shoot her ????????

[Stevehud 1,790]

Cowgirljane- I wasn't picking on anyone particular that's for sure. Just talking in generalizations. I have read many threads and know a few people who lose their old lifestyle to the point they forget who they were in becoming a new person. The sentiment of "why cant everything be the same with relationships" is impossible when you change the makeup of the people involved in it. I know of a gastric bypass patient who after doing wonderfully after surgery went on to change her entire life and become a personal trainer. Within a year she had alienated almost everyone she had been friends with prior to her surgery. The constant nagging of hey why don't you go gto the gym, or telling people " I can help you get into shape." along with other things like showing up to a superbowl part with a bender and ingredients for her favorite kale/spinach healthy smoothie as a potluck dish.. So I am saying that it is very probable that people can cause divorce not by the weight loss, but by the change in lifestyle, i.e. becoming that new person we all talk about. Ill give you the most basic change. If I, being post surgery now (I dream of getting off stage 3 lol) was to say to my wife that she couldn't have foods in the house, that I cant have ( she had French bread pizza for dinner the other night) by forcing that change on another person, I then become the tyrant so to speak. I change myself, but I will never force others to change to suit my change. that's all I meant.

[bellabloom 2,467]

in talking with people, Ive seen a recurring theme, when one person make themselves into a new person its hard to expect the other person to change with you if they don't see the need. Ive seen bariatric surgery patients become health nuts, and try to force their new way of life on their partners or their friends and lose both , fast. Its like being a smoker and having a friend who quit they drive you nuts with their holier than thou attitude. Now they don't mean it, and they do not see it but they are overbearing and repulse the people they think they are helping. Translate that to a new lifestyle and it can easily cause relationships to fail. Its why I tell people, having weight loss surgery does not make them an expert in weight loss, in surgery or anything else. But many, do believe they are and try to change others. They do so with good intentions but it hurts and drives their friends and family etc nuts. This reason is why I have my wife involved in my weight loss heavily so that I don't forget how I got here. It is with the help and understanding of others combined with my drive, that I will succeed. I guess what it really comes down to is if we create a new self, can we truly be upset if someone else doesn't quite like that person.

Steve I really like what you said here. Everyone has to get there in their own time, if ever. Weight loss isn't for everyone. Some people are perfectly happy being overweight. Others just aren't ready.

Some friends will go out of jealousy and others will have marriages fail because they lose their common interests. It's a major change in life.

My sister is a health nut and tries to push it on everyone constantly. It makes people dislike her and I don't blame them!!! Marriages are even more intimate. Many partners fear their loved one being happier because they feel they will leave if they feel good enough. Relationships are complex.

I agree with you that this is a personal decision. Discussing weight loss should be a faux paux if not asked directly. I try not to discuss weight, food, or weightless with others without prompting. Just like religion, politics, and abortion are private beliefs and not dinner table conversation, a persons choices about their health are their own. When is was pre- surgery it would upset, embarrass and hurt me immensely when people insulated my weight was a problem or discussed their 140 pound body as being grossly fat. We need to think of others and empathize with them.

And many overweight people are healthy and happy in their lives!! And we should all respect that. It's a personal decision and skinny, average and overweight body types have beautiful aspects.

[InspirationMySon 135]

I had in the past been with people who specialized in making me feel like less. Then after a year & a half of working on myself & getting my head set I found my husband. He is loving & great & didn't care when I got over 300 pounds he loved me just the same. And now that I am post op and almost in the 170's he tells me how awesome I look & how proud of me he is. He also encouraged me to go back to school & get my nursing degree.

I would say that being with someone who encourages us to be our best self is the only way to be in a relationship.

[spiritedcowgirl63 108]

Relationship can be complicated. Married 30 years and finding that when one makes changes it is hard on the other half. Evolving is a part of the human life cycle. However, some relationship get a huge gap with one continues to grow in life and the other gets stuck. It changes slow until you look at each other and see more differences than before. Self esteem, critism, negatively starts becoming more n more. Trying to be a shining light to give hope where they really don't want to change make it hard.

In my opinion, wls doesn't cause divorce. Its the fear of getting left behind while the other is making positive chances and not getting stuck. OK done rambling its late.

[MarieMarie 346]

I was married at 21. 30 years later after putting up with someone putting me down my whole life, I am ready to meet someone who loves and supports me. I look back now and he was most abusive at 180 lbs after child birth etc. I ate to hide. Living a new life now. This year is for me. Bring on 2015

[fashionstylist 458]

I was married at 21. 30 years later after putting up with someone putting me down my whole life, I am ready to meet someone who loves and supports me. I look back now and he was most abusive at 180 lbs after child birth etc. I ate to hide. Living a new life now. This year is for me. Bring on 2015

Good for u. New year! I was only married for 2 years but we were together for 4 and I ate all that pain away. I actually had the lap band and then it never stopped. I gained about 20 lbs after the lap band just because of my unhappiness. I left. Just had a TT And butt lift And fat transfer. I feel amazing. And to think of all of the names he used to call me and put me down. I'm finally taking care of myself .

[scstxrn 213]

My husband and I have been together my entire adult life, and married when I was 23. My first marriage, his second. It's sad to me when I read about husbands who put their wives down - or vice versa - regardless of size. He likes me to keep my hair, makeup, and nails done - it is who I was when we were dating and initially married; each additional kid I dropped a part of my 'beauty' routine... as I got heavier, I saw no reason to worry with hair... nails became a very special occasion. Nails were the first thing that came back after surgery; he was delighted. Told me to get my toes done too. He is happier than I am to go through and banish baggy from my closet; he wants me to wear leather pants on Halloween! Silly man.

I worry when I look at the physical state that he is in and his overall lack of willingness to change how he eats, although he said he wanted to change his diet to what I was eating - just more of it... he has a thing for chips and ice cream. I refuse to buy it, because he's told me he wants to stop eating it, but he is my husband - not my child; I'm not going to dump it in the trash or the sink if he buys it. I'm trying to make more junk food inspired healthy recipes (i.e. Protein ice cream) to keep him away from the crap, and he will go for a slow walk with me - so he walks with me on my warm up, then he goes inside and I do my actual walk with our kids.

I don't think I'll ever get divorced - because I married my best friend. We've had different hobbies most of our marriage, until we both kind of planted ourselves on the couch and ate too much food for too long. He's cool with me rollerblading and is looking at a recumbent bike so it's easier on his knees.

Do I want him to have WLS? Only if he wants to. Will I support him if that becomes his choice? Heck yes! Will I pester him into it? I am not that kind of wife. I do leave articles up sometimes, though, in case he wants to read them. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.

He supports me in my choices, I will support him in any choice that isn't actively harming him... and I hope to be married to my best friend for 50 more years.

[Deleted User 1]

The same thing happens with any lifestyle change, I think. I was married at twenty to a man who was thirty, first marriage for me, second one for him. My husband resented me for having a child (that we both agreed to have) and no longer participating in the weekend party animal life. Eventually he quit too, and things were better for about twelve years, although we didn't have anything in common, really, except our child and the fact that we shared a house. Then we let his (alcoholic) brother live with us. BIG mistake. It started slowly, him drinking only on holidays. Then it progressed into monthly visits. His brother lived with us for three years despite me asking my husband to ask him to leave, which he insisted he couldn't do, even though any time my family lived with us they had to abide by the agreed-upon time limit. It finally became weekly bar hops. My husband was not a nice person when he drank, but in a way he was happy because he replaced me, or what he wanted me to be for him. My wake-up came from a simple anonymous question online: "Where do you see yourself in five years?" When I gave that some serious thought I realized there was no way anything would change unless I left, and unless I wanted to die without having lived a better life I had better do something. So I did. After eighteen years of marriage I took my daughter and left. That was in April of 2004. My daughter is now grown, and I am still married, but we have been separated for ten years. One day we will divorce, but really, it's not even an issue. He still lives in Florida, and I live in Ohio. In some ways I am still on the same path, attempting to right things that should have never been, and finding and embracing the things that should have been.

@@scstxrn - You are one lucky woman! Is that not what everyone wants? Sometimes I think the best we can do is find someone we can tolerate that can also tolerate us, but your story is proof that more can exist.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

I just finished reading a very good article, "Are We Really Meant To Be Monogamous?" It talks about what it really takes for a monogamous relationship to work, what a committed relationship should provide.

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2014/08/23/are-we-really-meant-to-be-monogamous-the-reason-why-we-cheat-on-the-people-we-love/

[SimplySue 131]

One of the reasons I postponed my WLS was that the majority of folks I knew who had it, got divorced! 5 years later, I am now 12 weeks post op & still married! My hubby has been very supportive & so far, so good. We went on a marriage retreat several weeks after surgery because of my concerns. He's even mentioned going to ballroom dancing lessons!

[glgk30 2]

This topic is a little to close to my heart. I have been in a longterm relationship for 6 years and we live together. He was very supportive of the entire process of my having Gastic Sleeve surgery in June 2012 and went through the entire process including helping my cook and getting me up in the morning to hit the gym. Starting early last year 2014 things changed dramatically in our relationship and he just really didn't want to hug me, cuddle with me or even be intimate. He would always say that my new body is going to take sometime for him to adjust so I have been very patient but in May of 2014 I have the TT and liposuction done and he stayed home from his very busy work schedule to care for me during my recovery. My thought was WOW your relationship is back on track and we can move forward being healthy together. Well just 2 month after this he announces to me that I am just not sexy and he is not attracted to my new body. He prefers his woman soft, with bigger breasts and more to love. I am sure most of you can imagine how devastated I was and how this really did take a hit to my ego. We have been in couples therapy for 4 months every week and the therapist thinks we should break up and move on with our lives. I agree but seem to be really still devastated by his words that haunt me on a daily basis. I am in individual therapy and working through this issue but it has really set me back on my eating, exercise and etc. I am getting better everyday but its a real struggle but I will keep plugging along to get my self confidence back.