Divorce after plastic surgery and/or bariatric surgery

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@drmeow good luck

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@Alex Brecher did your weight loss surgery have anything to do with your divorce?

[Alex Brecher 10,512]

@@Alex Brecher did your weight loss surgery have anything to do with your divorce?

Nope, we had a toxic marriage from day numero uno. I believe WLS didn't have an effect one way or the other.

[BigGirlPanties 957]

I guess I am one of the "lucky" ones as well...my hubby is the sweetest man alive! He is always there for me...we were together when I was 350 pounds and he never felt me feel "less" than beautiful...tho I regularly tell him to get his eyes checked!!! As seen by our wedding picture on my home page where I was just after surgery and down 50 pounds... we were together for 8 years before we got married...and I really didn't care if we did or didn't...he wanted it more. ...at our age, I didn't really care anymore.

He is always taking care of me in more ways that there are letters in the alphabet...he is supportive and loving ... so I do believe it is all about who you are on the inside... if you are in a good, healthy relationship, you can weather any storm, including bariatrics!

Find your own voice.

[bellabloom 2,467]

My ex husband told me constantly through our 7 years together and two pregnancies and two beautiful children, from 140 lbs to 240 lbs, that I need to lose weight, that I was to fat for him. That he hated the way I walked so loud, was lazy, I need to get active, he just wanted the best for me and to be healthy! He said he was embarrassed of me, said he pretended is was still pregnant to cope with my body, said my clothing disgusted him.

I finally, after years trying to lose weight ( which he would constantly sabotage with a plate full of cookies) asked him what he thought about me having wls. He said if I ever did he would downright leave me because it was cheating and taking the easy, lazy way out.

So guess what? About half a year ago, I dropped him like the stone of shit he was and NEVER LOOKED BACK.

I had wls surgery this month and I am so happy I did. And him? He texts me at least once a week begging for me to come back!! Which I will never never do.

Life is long. Love should not be about settling. Pick a person who brings out the best in you and supports your life and has your happiness truly at heart. Love should be about more than a persons body.

And there are so many fish in the sea!!!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So, I have been reading some of the stories on here and reflecting on them and my own story and have come to a very very basic conclusion.

I think we need to choose an authentic life for ourselves. I believe God intended for us to be coupled, but here in the modern world, that just isn't so important anymore. I would rather be living an life authentic for me, than coupled with someone just for the sake of having a man in my life.

There are a lot of fish in the sea, and they (like us) are terribly flawed and imperfect. The question is - is there someone out there who you can have a real relationship with, where you make each others lives better - while still living the life you want.

I personally sometimes have sadness over the DECADES I compromised to obesity. It is like a drug addict who wakes up and says "what have I done? How have I wasted so many very good years on not fully living?" I didn't see it that way when I was obese, but I do now.

I am seriously, seriously, seriously, going through a lot of thoughts about my life right now and what I want it to be going forward. I am dating someone I am pretty crazy about, but i have this little hesitation... like... is this the path that will allow me to remain authentic, physcially fit, active, emotionally healthy etc. It is nothing against him - super good guy - but I just need to think very hard about those questions because my tolerance for just accepting "good enough" is pretty non existent.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

I am so very sorry that the man who loved you treated you this way. I can imagine how very much it hurt. And I am so so so very proud of you for having the courage and self respect to leave him. You are unstoppable now. Don't let anything hold you back from following your dreams.

My ex husband told me constantly through our 7 years together and two pregnancies and two beautiful children, from 140 lbs to 240 lbs, that I need to lose weight, that I was to fat for him. That he hated the way I walked so loud, was lazy, I need to get active, he just wanted the best for me and to be healthy! He said he was embarrassed of me, said he pretended is was still pregnant to cope with my body, said my clothing disgusted him.

I finally, after years trying to lose weight ( which he would constantly sabotage with a plate full of cookies) asked him what he thought about me having wls. He said if I ever did he would downright leave me because it was cheating and taking the easy, lazy way out.

So guess what? About half a year ago, I dropped him like the stone of **** he was and NEVER LOOKED BACK.

I had wls surgery this month and I am so happy I did. And him? He texts me at least once a week begging for me to come back!! Which I will never never do.

Life is long. Love should not be about settling. Pick a person who brings out the best in you and supports your life and has your happiness truly at heart. Love should be about more than a persons body.

And there are so many fish in the sea!!!

[My Bariatric Life 764]

I am going through a similar process, a spiritual journey. I did a guided meditation recently and it was extremely powerful. And I've been reading, at the suggestion of a spiritual advisor whom I have connected with very well, the book Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. There also are helpful resources on the web about self love and self awareness and self trust. In fact there is an LCSW who writes for Bariatric Pal who has some very good articles and advice (I forget her name but she works with a bariatric center). And I found a video series on YouTube by Debbie Spellman about the 7 Steps to Self Love https://www.youtube.com/user/DebbieSpellmanTV. I like that she gives you exercises to do.

A few friends have highly recommended a silent retreat to get in touch with yourself. I plan to do that outdoors when the weather is warmer.

I hope some of this is helpful!

So, I have been reading some of the stories on here and reflecting on them and my own story and have come to a very very basic conclusion.

I think we need to choose an authentic life for ourselves. I believe God intended for us to be coupled, but here in the modern world, that just isn't so important anymore. I would rather be living an life authentic for me, than coupled with someone just for the sake of having a man in my life.

There are a lot of fish in the sea, and they (like us) are terribly flawed and imperfect. The question is - is there someone out there who you can have a real relationship with, where you make each others lives better - while still living the life you want.

I personally sometimes have sadness over the DECADES I compromised to obesity. It is like a drug addict who wakes up and says "what have I done? How have I wasted so many very good years on not fully living?" I didn't see it that way when I was obese, but I do now.

I am seriously, seriously, seriously, going through a lot of thoughts about my life right now and what I want it to be going forward. I am dating someone I am pretty crazy about, but i have this little hesitation... like... is this the path that will allow me to remain authentic, physcially fit, active, emotionally healthy etc. It is nothing against him - super good guy - but I just need to think very hard about those questions because my tolerance for just accepting "good enough" is pretty non existent.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@CowgirlJane

OK, this is going to sound like big fat mush. It describes my experience. As always, others' may vary.

But if you find someone who LOVES you -- really, really, really loves you -- and he is a good man, by which I mean a really, really, really good person who's generous, kind, optimistic, honest, modest, responsible and a hard worker, who wants you to live your own authentic life and supports your goals but doesn't try to control the life you have chosen for yourself, who doesn't want to change you, and who wants his OWN authentic life and wants your support, but will resist your controlling him and his life, who will stand up for himself just like you stand up for yourself, who takes joy in everything that gives you joy ... then he just might be Mr. Right for you.

I also think that this dangerous thing called love is something for which you have to pray for the best luck that could happen to you and then be open to recognizing when your prayers have been answered.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@CowgirlJane

Nancy Velazquez, MSW, LCSW

[blondebomb 580]

I went thru a divorce 16 yrs ago...after being married for 20 yrs. having his 2 beautiful children I was never physically in appearance good enuff from then on..even back then when I got married at 16 I weighed 106 pds. by my mid 20s an after 2 kids I went from a 6 to a 14/16..he always made digs of comments he wished he could count my ribs again...he was very insecure but I sure dont call him a man (per say)...I have been remarried to my best friend for 16 yrs..he has been there for me thru thick an thin an I mean from 180 pds to 270 some pds! he has always called me beautiful an sexy. (I was the one insecure about looks now) but he has supported me every day! loves me like no other ever. If its true, take a relationship serious an honestly works together to make it work with NO excuses or any way outs it will work regardless of physical appearance. this man of mine is a true man..my ex was totally insecure an a womanizer. (from the getgo)...I hate it when I hear of others marriages ending when a spouse is trying to do something for themselves..especially in this way .best wishes all...

[blondebomb 580]

exactly..my hubs has been my biggest supportor for 15 yrs now. we both were previously married to ppl for 20 yrs an they cared less about us. werent appreciated. but this man of mine I hear ya when you say yours is the best...I have one also. yesterday he grabbed my arm as I was walking by the sofa an said come here..very sweetly..an I said what? I sat on his lap and he keeps reassuring me how beautiful I am. I said you know..you have seen me at my worst! I ballooned up to almost 275 or so (health diseases) hashis is relentless...but he said he would support me in whatever decision I made concerning the WLS or not. I did it..he said he was soo proud of me an that it took guts an courage to go thru this! he said a persons beauty starts on the inside. he has told me this all these yrs. we are best friends. when we got married I was around 180 or so got up in weight an now back down so its almost a 100 pd weight loss. he cant keep his hands off me! lol...bless his heart! I luv this man to the moon an back. he wants to take care of me an does with his whole being. we take our relationship seriously. we are committed to make it work. we are in our 50s now. an loving it. I have already been thru the 10 yrs of talk therapy. we have been thru the highs an lows..there will always be highs an lows. I did this WLS for ME. MY health an I knew it would only enhance us...he did say he was going to have to be my body guard..haha..luv this man!! we grocery shop together 95% of the time so we do great on what choices we together make an bring in the house... ..my therapy was to get to the bottom of my past relationship an yrs thru it...it helped soo much!! then I knew I could move on an not turn to food.

I guess I am one of the "lucky" ones as well...my hubby is the sweetest man alive! He is always there for me...we were together when I was 350 pounds and he never felt me feel "less" than beautiful...tho I regularly tell him to get his eyes checked!!! As seen by our wedding picture on my home page where I was just after surgery and down 50 pounds... we were together for 8 years before we got married...and I really didn't care if we did or didn't...he wanted it more. ...at our age, I didn't really care anymore.

He is always taking care of me in more ways that there are letters in the alphabet...he is supportive and loving ... so I do believe it is all about who you are on the inside... if you are in a good, healthy relationship, you can weather any storm, including bariatrics!

Find your own voice.

Edited December 24, 2014 by blondebomb

[drmeow 323]

It is so nice to hear of such supportive and loving spouses, esp. in second marriages. It gives me hope for the future!

[Alex Brecher 10,512]

It is so nice to hear of such supportive and loving spouses, esp. in second marriages. It gives me hope for the future!

Ditto!!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Second marriages are the best! You're both so much wiser the second time around.