Facing fears

[Mrs. Reid 392]

As I am getting closer to my surgery, I've noticed a lot of fears starting to bubble up to the surface. Like the other night I was leaving this place that I volunteer at and I had to cross a very dark parking lot to get to the light rail station. I have done this a thousand times as I have been a volunteer at this organization for a couple decades. As I walked I started to notice that I was all alone in a very dark place in a somewhat sketchy part of town. Now I live in Minnesota so it was freezing cold out and not much chance of muggers hiding in the shadows, but still. I started to think about next summer when I leave this place and walked across this same parking lot. I am not going to be large and intimidating to the bad guys. Suddenly I was so afraid of being attacked. I work in a very public place and there was a guy giving me a hard time for a while. I was not afraid of him because I knew if I ran into him outside of work I could 'puff up' and start giving him my 'don't f**k with me' voice and that is usually enough to make anyone back off. If I am small and thin I don't think that voice will put anyone off, and flexing my arms out is not going to make me look big and tough.

I just seem to be having a lot of thoughts like these. It's not enough to make me want to quit surgery, I'm still going to do it. But wow...I have no skinny girl coping skills. I am going to have to relearn how to function in the world.....as well as relearn how to eat.

[*Lexie* 1,486]

As part of your exercise program, maybe you should take some self defense or boxing classes. It's a great workout and very empowering. It'll keep you feeling like a bad a$$ as you lose weight.

[JALUVIC 79]

There is so much baggage tied to our weight, isn't there! I've been having dreams lately of feeling very vulnerable and lost. Already the unspoken fears are creeping in and I don't even have a surgery date yet. I know I've read that we have put on weight because the weight serves some kind of "purpose" for us emotionally - interesting that this particular "vision" you had involves feeling unsafe and unable to protect yourself. Well, I'm psycho-babbling now...lol. Lots to think about as we approach this milestone, that's for sure.

[BitterSweet* 835]

I love this post! "Skinny girl coping skills"!

You have brought up a very important aspect that I don't think many others have thought of. I am a yo-yoer, so when I'm a normal weight I get harrassed a lot, even when I'm with my children and it really bothers me.

I don't know the the solution for you, but I carry a blade (yes, a shank!) and mace in my purse. Even when I'm home if I receive a delivery, I pretend as though I'm on the phone and open the door while saying something like, "Hold up Babe, the UPS man is here with my package." I just feel like if anyone has any untoward intention at that moment, I've already announced their presence at my door. It feels really silly at times, but this world has changed so much that I feel the need to be aware as much as possible. Let me know if you think of any good SGCS (skinny girl coping skills). I'll always credit you for coining the phrase! =)