Was I Fair?

[LumpySpacePrincess 594]

I recently took a seasonal job in retail to help pay for holiday expenses. I see a lot of super-morbidly obese people come through my line, and usually I just feel a sad twinge when they tell me the plus-size section is lacking in fashionable clothes. I remember that pain; I was there just a year ago.

Recently, though, a woman came through my line who was obviously pushing 400 pounds. She thankfully wasn't in a scooter, but she was breathing very heavy just speaking to me and struggled to get her purchases up on my counter. Then she asked me a question I didn't know how to answer: "Where is the nearest all-you-can-eat buffet?"

I flat out told her I didn't know. As I looked at her, a whole flood of memories came back of me sitting down to my fifth or sixth plate of buffet food that probably had less nutritional value than a frozen dinner, and just going home and hating myself the next day. Not only that, but people around me would just go with me and allow this to happen like it was OK. Well, it wasn't OK; I was slowly killing myself and people around me weren't batting an eye.

I ended up telling her I didn't know. She tried to 'jog my memory' but describing the place to me, but as I stood there and listened to her having trouble breathing through her words the only thing I thought 'I'm sorry, I can't tell you. Not because you don't deserve to have the food you want but because I was you a year ago, and one of the greatest things anyone could have done for me then was to tell me no.'

There was not a day that went by in my former life (and sometimes even now) when didn't wish that someone would have just taken the fork away from me, or not walked to the store to get me the Cookies or fast food. I felt like I was doing her a favor but I'm kind of wondering now...was I fair? Should I have just given her directions?

[cdenney123 103]

That is a hard call since she would probably find it anyway.. When I was at my heaviest all I did was think about food Im so happy now I only eat it because I have too and nothing taste really good. I still have a long way to go to get to my goal weight, but you did what you thought was best. Its only human of us to do so

[rhayla 53]

You've nothing to feel bad about - you weren't mean, or cruel, you didn't comment on her weight or tell her she needed to lose weight. You just didn't tell her something you (apparently) did know. We all make our own food choices, and she can make hers without or without you telling her where the buffet is.

If that's what she really wanted, she probably found it.

[Elode 8,093]

Oh trust me she probably found the place so don't feel bad. I know when I ate like that I would have found what I was looking for...sad but true.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Nobody could have fixed me.

I had to fix me.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

former life (and sometimes even now) when didn't wish that someone would have just taken the fork away from me,

@@LumpySpacePrincess

i get it

my mom always TOLD me to loose ALL my weight

she bought me a gym membership a few times

wasn't gonna happen that way

its true, that i was the only one that could make loosing weight committment and follow through

i feel VERY bad when i see overweight people in a restaurant, store - anywhere

its so sad to me - because i knew how it felt to be heavy

walking and being out of breath

all the many other things that overweight people have to deal with

hope some people wake up, and realize they MUST loose weight

ball is totally in their court

kathy

[BitterSweet* 835]

No need to feel bad about it, but what @@VSGAnn2014 said is correct. We can't fix anybody. A year and 6 months ago, no one could fix you either, and if someone had tried to stage an intervention of sorts, it may not have even been received well. Anger, denial, and not being ready and wanting change are very powerful things. Sad, but powerful. We have to walk our own paths in life.

She was right though. The fashion this year is shit....in all departments and in all sizes. For God's sake who decided to bring cowl neck tunic sweaters back in fashion?

#hideous

[livvsmum 2,369]

I agree with what the others have said. Don't feel badly. You felt like you would have been enabling her if you gave her the information. I get that. At the same time, I also agree that ultimately no one in the world could have made me lose the weight and if they would have said "no" I would have just become very resentful towards them and it would have made more of an issue in our relationship probably. Everyone has their vices. Some are just more visable than others.

I completely agree though. When I see morbidly obese people - particularly those that I know - I feel so badly for them because I know there is a way out. And I remember all of those feelings of being trapped and hopeless and self-hatred. Heck, sometimes I still battle them at 140 pounds! :-)

[old_rn 110]

I can relate but I deal with children. When a morbidly obese child comes to my office and can't breathe I am so very concerned. Their parents don't know why they are overweight. Or so they say. I try and teach them that we all like what tastes good but with children it is their parents who should say no or offer something more healthy. Or they should take them out for a walk around the block or even to the end of the block. I tell the parents do you really want to send your child to school and they can't play like the other kids? Some times I just want to jump up and down and tell them that they should do something NOW so that their child isn't put in a position of having to make a choice like surgery to have a healthy active life. It would have been so nice not to have to relearn to eat and drink instead of just being taught from an early age how to eat and drink. So I spend my days teaching and hoping to make a positive impact on at least one child's life.

[built2livenotexist 119]

I'm not sure that I would've taken the same course of action. I have to admit that ever since deciding on and having the surgery, I am much more aware of the morbidly obese people with whom I come in contact. This surgery is a huge deal and the decision to have it wasn't any easier to make than it is to comply with all of the requirements that come pre and post op. I can't imagine looking at another person, in whose shoes I've been, and thinking " Why doesn't she do something?" or " Why doesn't she just have the surgery?" Everyone isn't a candidate for this surgery and some people just do not have the resources to afford it. There are some who have committed to obesity as their fate; some who have given up.

I remember the shame and embarrassment of not being able to or wanting to stop killing myself with food. On many occasions, I caught the judgemental looks of others as I was lifting the fork to my mouth. I had many people express what they called 'concern' about my weight. I called it being a judgy dbag.

I'm not sure if you were fair or not; she'll never know that you didn't give her directions because of her being overweight. Previous posters are probably right about her finding it anyways. What I am sure of is that I didn't have the answer for myself or the motivation until...I did. I don't expect anyone else to.

[BitterSweet* 835]

Well said.