WLS is an interest?!

[Shell88 157]

I need to stop holding my feelings in and just type! I always feel better when I type out my thoughts because it feels like such a release.

My fiance and I have been having this argument since we first moved in together 2 years ago.... he wants me to be interested in his computer games and video games and anime and comics, and I want him to leave me alone lol. Last night we had discussion again that we don't do anything together besides errands, and drs appts and visiting our daughter. His response? I never get to do what I want to do. So is it more important to find time together or have time to do your own things? And why do you have to do something that only one person likes? Together time should be watching a movie, playing a game, night out..... not sitting around playing League of Legends....

But he had the nerve to tell me that I should like his stuff because he sits back and listens to me rant about my surgery and this site.... that I include him in my "interests" even if he really doesn't care.

Doesn't care about my surgery?! Since when is surgery and my health an interest?! Well, that just proves that it's just as infantile as his games to him. Figured the 'support' and 'concern' was fake....

[bobbyswife 862]

And why are you with this fella?

[Shell88 157]

For my daughter.... only answer I've had for 2 years.

[SuperDave 1,115]

I'm sorry you are going through this. From my perspective, it probably seems to him as though you signed up for a HUGE lifestyle change, but it has become a huge change for him as well. There is going to be resentment. It is a fact that divorce rate is higher post surgery, so I would assume it ends non-marital relationships as well. I can't tell you what to do, but I know from personal experience that your daughter is better off in a loving healthy environment with one parent than with two parents who want to kill each other. Good luck with all of this!

[Elode 8,093]

@@Shell88 Guys are silly! He doesn't sound very supportive but he also just sounds like 100 other guys out there! My husband was/is extremely supportive and helps he tremendously but I can tell at times he's "fake" listening to me just to be nice like I "fake" a crap about all his football teams...it's ok to have different interest but he should at least be respectful about it. I know I probably/DO talk my husband to death about every little detail of this surgery, everything in measurements that I ate for the day, ect.... He's pretty awesome to listen fake or not to it since he's never had a weight issue. Try to find a common ground if you can. Maybe something outside WLS and video games....if only they had a video game about WLS.....

[Shell88 157]

Thanks guys.... I guess it's just nice to know I'm being heard. That's why I love this site - it's like my get away with people who totally get me and who don't know me, but at least seem concerned about my well-being. I can't even pretend this is something new. Or like I'm going to do something about my unhappiness... It's just nice to get it out.

[SandyM 1,956]

When our kids moved out (empty nest syndrome) we started going in separate directions, or better yet, realized we'd already been doing that. I worried a lot that we'd have nothing in common. so, we started searching out mutual interests and it really wasn't that hard to find some. We are happily incompatible. If you love each other, its possible, if not, it may be a futile challenge. I for one would not be in a relationship for somebody else even for my child. The relationship has to be about the two of you.

[NewLife'sGr8 241]

I'm single. My marriage ended 25+ yrs ago. Since then, I've been happily independent, except for a couple bad bf's after the divorce.

In my mind, you get a life-partner to enjoy spending time together with. That's great when the relationship is new.

People grow apart, sometimes in different directions (interests). Complacency is even more of a bitch on a relationship, I know!

If you feel the relationship is worth saving, get out of your comfort zones and try new things together. Then, let him go off to his video games. Maybe you could steel yourself and play through one or two games with him once in awhile. To me, it doesn't seem like a hard request to comply with, i mean, it's not like he's asking you to go winter-camping in the high peaks during a polar vortex. lol

If you maybe accommodated his request, even once in a blue moon (I know it's hard. I have absolutely NO interest in gaming either), That might inspire him to be more supportive & less obviously 'fake'-interested in your surgery-journey.

Alternatively, he might be scared he'll lose you once you lose weight & become more confident. Marriage counseling would probably help with that angle, and a few others as well.

Otherwise, if the relationship isn't worth saving, drop him. Like stated, a child is best brought up in a loving, supportive household.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Eeeeeeeeekk ! Where do I even start ? 2 adults who have nothing in common does not a relationship make, daughter or not. You and your fiance seem to have an extremely unstable foundation now, I cant even begin to tell you what your marriage will be like. Your daughter will benefit better with 2 loving parents that live apart than 2 parents who are constantly at war with each other. Stability, stability, stability. Just sayin'. Also, video games and WLS are not both under "hobbies", one is for entertainment, the other for living with a healthy mind, body and soul. I think you already know what you should do. I wish you well.

[imsoglad56 402]

Before I go any further, please understand that I'm not badmouthing you. In past relationships, I could have been you! I could have written your message almost word for word because that's how I felt about my partner at the time.

First, your surgery may not be a hobby exactly, but all the little details that we all get so into and talk about all the time, like this site? Definitely a hobby. Him listening to you talk about how you wonder what size bougie your surgeon uses or whether you'll have any problems with dumping syndrome or whatever is exactly the same as you listening to him talk about his favorite anime characters or when the next game in his favorite franchise is coming out.

Second, why are you the only one who defines what "together time" consists of? While I would personally rather shoot off my own big toe than play League of Legends, it's fun to him and I would venture a guess that playing it together would be more interactive than watching a movie.

Third, if this is how you feel about him, please don't marry him. It may be easy to just stay with him but you deserve better than this. So does he. My ex-husband and I were this way with each other but didn't want to divorce because it would be hard. Also because we really did love each other, we were just really shitty as a couple. We finally decided to divorce before it got so bad that we hated each other. It was the best thing we could have ever done. Once the strain of being married to the wrong person was gone, our relationship as friends grew better than ever. We didn't have kids, but if we had I can guarantee that they would have been better off with us as divorced friends than as married people who had no respect for each other.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

You've got to find some common ground. It's one thing to have this surgery, but to listen to someone talk about the minutia of WLS continually? That would drive *me* crazy! That's why I post here so I don't have to overload my family & friends with it. My advice, find a common ground, something you BOTH like to do. even better try something new as a couple. Also once a week or once a month, have date night. Again date night should be something you both like. Lastly don't make fun of his computer games. I'm not a gamer, but I am a Nerd (Black girl nerd = BLERDgirl). We take out stuff seriously. It's not silly to us in the least.

Edited November 23, 2014 by Blerdgirl

[newmebithebypass 713]

Your bf is in the same boat as my husband. He loves his video games and me find common ground over board games and table top games. I don't bombard him with the minuta of this surgery because even though it affects him he really doesn't need to be my sounding board