Lucky # Sevens- July 07 Bandsters

[lindaa 1]

Oh Jackie, Your story strikes a familiar cord. You must be feeling so alone. I'm glad that you were able to sit down and tell us about it. I hope that helped a little bit. I think you are doing the right thing by seeking out counseling. I'm not sure that you need a psychiatrist however. My perception of them is that they mostly manage medications, but don't provide much in terms of counseling. Instead, you might think about looking for a psychologist or therapist who is trained in family counseling. They are the ones who have the kind of experience and training in helping people develop insights into their feelings and behaviors and learn new ways of coping with difficult issues. There is no easy fix to what you're dealing with.

One thought I have in reading your post is that your daughter sounds very angry. When I went through this with a couple of my kids, one insight that I got was that while the anger seemed to be directed at me, the truth was that they were displacing their anger onto me. In other words, I was someone that they considered "safe" to be angry at. You may never know what your daughter is really angry about. I know that's not a lot of help right now, but it would be great if you could get a counselor for her to help her work through thoes issues.

Where to go from here? Well, my apporoach was tough love. At 16, you daughter is still dependent on you. You have a responsibility to provide shelter, food and clothing for her, but she does not have the right to more than that. I took the car keys away from my kids. I refused to buy them CD's, pay for their cell phones (I took the cell phones away and only let them have them when it was convenient for ME), or buy them more than basic jeans and tee shirts. I "cleaned" my daugher's room and put all her clothes that were laying around in garbage bags, which I then brought to a neighbor's for awhile. When my daugher yelled at me, I told her that I loved her and walked away. That was really hard, but she had to know that I wasn't going to listen to it. Things got worse for awhile. She went running to her bf's mom, who was happy to play "good mother" to my "bad mother" which didn't help one bit!

Things weren't much better with one of her brothers either. We had to drive to his college late one night and pick him up b/c he was threatening suicide. He later told his therapist, in a family session, ablut all the "abusive" things I did to him--like being angry with him about something. It was absurd, but again, I was the target of his anger--the reason for his unhappiness.

At 18, my daugher went away to college. She picked a college that, while still within driving distance, was as far away from me as she could get. Today, she is driving back there for the last time. She is a mature 21-year old who who earned a double major with honors in 3 years. She came home for the weekend to spend mother's day shopping with me and we had a wonderful time. My point is that while I would never have thought it could be like this when she was 16, it did turn around. As for my son, At 26, he lives on the other side of the country now and is working on his Ph.D. in Psychology (of all things) We still are not as close as I would like, but I did get a one-line happy mother's day email from him yesterday. The thing is that he survived too.

What you're going thorugh right now is awful and it sucks. I am so sorry that you have to walk though this. I pray that you can get tough to the insults, and I pray for wisdom for you in how to respond to them. DO NOT let these kids sabotage your weight loss. Take care of yourself, Jackie! Try to believe that while the insults hurt, they are NOT the truth. The truth is that you love your kids, and you are doing the best you can to give them what they need--which may not always be what think they want.

[salsa1877 10]

Oh Jackie I am so sorry to hear this. Since I am not a parent I don't have any real great advice, but being the sister of a someone that did lose their dad, I do know that there are a lot of issues that the kids go through when they have one parent alive and the other not. Now my brother and I DID have a horrible and abusive mom, and from how you talk about your children, I am pretty certain that you are not. However, my brother just admitted to me a few months ago that he sometimes feels bad for the way he treated our mom, but he didn't know where to let his anger go. He wasn't necessarily mad at her, but rather at his dad for dying. However, he would feel guilty for being mad at him, so he would take it out even more on those that where still alive, and believe me, I got the brunt end of a lot of it too.

I see it and hear it a lot at school. I have had more than one kid in tears over the way they have treated a parent, but at the time, they didn't realize what they are doing. I think counseling sounds like it would be good for both of you....seperately. You and the kid(s) need to feel like there is someplace that you can go and talk about your feelings in a safe comfortable place. We went to family counseling and it was a DISASTER because the counselor and my mom were good friends, and would tell her EVERYTHING we said. So it didn't work. But both of you need tools so that you can deal with the problems you are having.

Okay, now here is something that may not make a lot of people happy, but since I think that I am the youngest one on here, I am going to say it. Kids don't see the importance of Mother's Day or Father's Day. Now I could be cynical about this one because I had such a horrible mother and my father wasn't around growing up, but kids don't just NATURALLY undestand why this day is important. After all, it isn't a holiday that they SHOULD understand. They have never experienced it. Think about your first mother's day...it was probably the best one ever right, because you finally realized what all they excitement was about. Perhaps next year (NOT NOW!) as Mother's Day comes around, you should sit the kids down and talk about why it is important to you. Have a discussion (don't talk at them) about what parents do, the fun times you have together, and so on.

Okay I am all out of my not so infinite wisdom...Just kind of speaking from the heart and from my own experience.

[Twilight 2]

Jackie, I hope things are seeming better today. Getting some sleep when you have that kind of anxiety can be a great balm on your nerves. I'm so sorry you were treated that way. I hope things are better today.

Some advice (coming from the NON-mom of the year) if I have any would be to sit down and talk with her. Advice I got was do it in a manner so she doesn't have to look you in the eye....like driving somewhere. Kids feel safer if they don't have to look you in the eye. Make it safe to tell you about what is wrong. Remember that it is probably NOT YOU. She feels safe saying those horrible things to you because you love her unconditionally and her BFF or her BF would dump her like a hot potato if she vented like that at them. If she doesn't want to talk about it at least talk about something. The latest movie or her last practice or the upcoming summer plans. Get the communication going. See what comes up!

I wish I could take that pain from you. How horrible. I do think Karri is right though. Kids don't get it. I didn't understand why it was a big deal growing up, but knew it was supposed to be so did something special. But my kids don't get it. My DH said he didn't really understand until he was a senior. He was at a party given by a classmate and they all camped out. When he went in for Breakfast in the morning he wished the hostess a happy mother's day and she cried. She still mentions it. That was when he understood it was a big deal. And he still doesn't think father's day is. I think it might just be us emotional females )

Jackie, let us know what we can do. Good luck today.

[Twilight 2]

This morning I got up and worked out again. I did 10 minute warm up on the treadmill and then 15 minutes again on the elliptical. I think there is something to be said about going to a gym where other people are watching. About half way through my elliptical I was starting to wimp out and thinking "I can't do this, I'll just do 20." And then this couple walks in and one gets on the other elliptical and the other starts running on the treadmill. Oh hell no I'm not giving up. These people aren't going to see some fat wimpy lady on this thing. I'll work!

Finished the 30 minutes. Sweating like a pig. Running in my eyes. Rolling down my back. It was gross!!!! But I did it. And then I did 5 minutes to cool down on the treadmill.

That was pretty exciting I think. I'm really thinking seriously about the elliptical. It was a hell of a workout! I'll see what I feel like next month.

[kirajh 0]

Oh Jackie, my heart goes out to you. I really don't know what to say except I'm here for you. I think Linda had some excellent advice. It sounds to me like you are a great mom and maybe a little tough love would be just what she needs to realize that. Counseling is also a great idea. Sounds to me that she is crying out for help. Steph and Karri also had good insight into this. Just know that we are ALL here for you. This is the place to come and vent. and to rejoice or whatever. The one thing I can tell you, is that it will get better. Might take a while, but..................................

Karri - great job on the running. I can't even imagine me running 10 feet, much less six miles. Of course, when you hit my age, you probably won't be running either. LOL

Steph - Good job on the the eliptical. I tried it when I was in Florida and lasted 55 seconds till my back gave out. Never got on it again. Just recently, I realized I have to build myself up to it. Just like I did with pedaling.

Janet - Hope you had a great time at the concert. Haven't heard any thing from you since Friday. Did you talk Trace into eloping? or maybe a fling?

HAVE A GREAT DAY ! ! ! I'LL CHECK BACK LATER. DON'T FORGET TO DRINK YOUR Water.< /span>

[IndioGirl55 32]

Good Morning Gang

I am alive and well!!! Thank you for all your prayers & good thoughts!!!!

DIL came home from the hospital yesterday around 3:30 p.m. - moving slow but doing really well considering... She was up and about this morning when I left.

Jackie - Hugs to you - She is being 16 - is she PMSing?? and like someone said - we take our anger out on the ones closes to us.

Trace is one hunk of a friggin man - I could see the sweat on his skin - and omw can the man move.

food really wasn't too much of an issue and had 3 drinks all weekend

Gotta ck my desk - CBL :biggrin:

[mango24 1]

Jackie - I'm so sorry you have to go through this. She's obviously very angry about something, and she's taking it out on you. Maybe she's angry because you're happy. I have no idea.

I'm skipping school today. I hate it. I didn't feel well. My lower back has been hurting a lot lately. I don't know if it's my ovaries or my back. So, I took some Tylenol and stayed in bed.

[Frustrated 1]

Jackie, I'm so sorry to hear of your horrible day with your children. :thumbup: Linda's advice is good and very sound. Tough love isn't just for the kids. I think it's tougher on the parents. I'm lucky, so far (touch wood) that my son is a good kid. He's only 9 though and can have his moments when he doesn't want to talk to me, but at least he hasn't started insulting me. I don't know what I'd do if he did. I've never been tolerant of bad manners and he knows it. I wish I could offer some "fix it" advice, but I don't have any. I do have plenty of hugs if you need though. I know I can't give them physically, but just know that we are all here for you and care for you. :biggrin: I'm sure your children do as well. They just don't fully appreciate how lucky they are to have a mother who obviously cares so much for them. If you didn't care, it wouldn't hurt.

[jackie506 1]

Thank you Thank you Thank you to all of you for your care and concern. Today has been just as bad for me because I just can't seem to stop crying. I had an appointment with doc on May 30th but today I called the office and I was crying and asked to make an appointment with doctor and the receptionist said you have one on the 30 th but sounds like we need to get you in sooner so how about tomorrow at 3:45. I was taken the Klonazapam he gave me for anxiety and that stuff is knocking me out and I hate how it makes me feel so I am not taking that anymore. DD came home today like nothing happened and said 'can i go to the movie with my friends tonight?' I said no she said 'see I'm trying to be desent and looke where it got me.' All I said was 'your righ. Being nice today does not make up for the hateful terribel things you said yesterday so you are staying home.' She goes where are you going. I said 'I am an adult and dpn't pwe you an explanation but I have a brownie ceremony for a client tonight.' She goes 'oh won't I have fun setting here with no one to talk to.' (sarcastically) I said 'good clean your room and think about the manners and values you were raised with because I truly think you have forgotten them.' She went flaming out of here to take her client home. DS then said can you log me on to your computer? (I have created a password so that he can't just get on on my computer to play when he wants because he doesn't do his chores and fights with me over the game.) I told him no not tonight clean your room and think about what I told your sister to think about. DH got home and I told him to shower quick and go with me because hell would break out with the kids and him if he stayed here while I was gone and he said 'I'm not staying here listening to these 2.' I told them if there was an energency to call my cell and leave a message but I would not be answering it to listen to them (the 2 kids) bitch about one another because they were arguing.

Well I am off to my ceremony and out to supper with hubby. I out ham, potatoes and carrots in the crock pit for the kids so bonappetite.

(does this sound to hard because I am feeling really crappy and teary again!!!!)

[Frustrated 1]

(does this sound to hard because I am feeling really crappy and teary again!!!!)

It doesn't sound hard to me. It sounds fair. More than fair really. I don't know that I would have the patience that you show. You were polite but firm with them. I hope that you all come through this bump in the road quickly and without too many more hurt feelings and bruised egos.

[salsa1877 10]

Thank you Thank you Thank you to all of you for your care and concern. Today has been just as bad for me because I just can't seem to stop crying. I had an appointment with doc on May 30th but today I called the office and I was crying and asked to make an appointment with doctor and the receptionist said you have one on the 30 th but sounds like we need to get you in sooner so how about tomorrow at 3:45. I was taken the Klonazapam he gave me for anxiety and that stuff is knocking me out and I hate how it makes me feel so I am not taking that anymore. DD came home today like nothing happened and said 'can i go to the movie with my friends tonight?' I said no she said 'see I'm trying to be desent and looke where it got me.' All I said was 'your righ. Being nice today does not make up for the hateful terribel things you said yesterday so you are staying home.' She goes where are you going. I said 'I am an adult and dpn't pwe you an explanation but I have a brownie ceremony for a client tonight.' She goes 'oh won't I have fun setting here with no one to talk to.' (sarcastically) I said 'good clean your room and think about the manners and values you were raised with because I truly think you have forgotten them.' She went flaming out of here to take her client home. DS then said can you log me on to your computer? (I have created a password so that he can't just get on on my computer to play when he wants because he doesn't do his chores and fights with me over the game.) I told him no not tonight clean your room and think about what I told your sister to think about. DH got home and I told him to shower quick and go with me because hell would break out with the kids and him if he stayed here while I was gone and he said 'I'm not staying here listening to these 2.' I told them if there was an energency to call my cell and leave a message but I would not be answering it to listen to them (the 2 kids) bitch about one another because they were arguing.

Well I am off to my ceremony and out to supper with hubby. I out ham, potatoes and carrots in the crock pit for the kids so bonappetite.

(does this sound to hard because I am feeling really crappy and teary again!!!!)

Absolutely not...I wanted to tell you this morning that perhaps you should take away some of their activities if they can't behave...but I dind't want to overstep my bounds. I see it all to often that parents give up a lot of power to their kids and then I have to deal with it at school. I am not saying this is what your kids demonstrate at school...just talking in general. Good for you!

[lindaa 1]

Jackie--What you said and did sound perfect to me. Kids need boundaries, and you are clearly and firmly showing them where yours are. You taught them to behave better than this, and now you are showing them what happens when they mess up. Just keep your voice soft and don't let them push your buttons. Allow them to experience the consequences of their actions in a gentle, loving, but firm way. I hope you were actually able to enjoy your dinner out.

As for how you're feeling: to me, it seems to be an apporpriate resonse to what's been going on. Anyone in your situation would be tearful and strung out. Does that mean that you need medication? Well, I am in no position to give an opinion on that, but I do encourage you to get yourself into some long-term counseling or a good support group to help you get though the next 4 or 5 years. As someone who just made it to the other side, I can tell you that they were the worst years of parenting for me. Give me a 2-year-old temper tantrum ANY DAY! They're a lot easier to handle than the 16-year-old versions!

[Twilight 2]

Jackie, you dealt with that so well. You should feel really great about it. It was rational, natural, and firm. I am very impressed. I hope you feel much better after dealing with clients and a nice dinner out with your husband. And great answer about not answering your phone.

Kudos to you

[IndioGirl55 32]

Jackie

I really hope you had a good time with your Brownie thingie and dinner with DH - the kid's are old enought to fend for them selves - You weren't to hard..

I am glad you are seeing the Doctor tomorrow.

Hugs teenagers are a pain in the butt - but you will make it through.

Hugs - Hugs

[Twilight 2]

Had a great day. Down almost 7 pounds this month. Got a slight fill. Hopefully I will not be quite so hungry this month. I showed amazing restraint at the mall. Only bought two shirts....on sale. Oh...and a new purse. But it was also on sale....

I know...shame on me. I just am going nuts with clothes. This feeling good about yourself isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Okay....I always seem to get a headache after my fills. Is this normal? Tomorrow I'm sure I'll be fine but the day of is horrible. Maybe it's the total liquid thing. I don't seem to get any calories in. Well....I won't go in again until July so no headache next month.

I did walk a mile from my group meeting to the fill appointment today....1 mile. So that was a bonus.

Okay....fuzzy head. Going to bed. See you all in the morning.