Fat Family

[NewLife'sGr8 241]

My youngest daughter, 23, is extremely obese. Lane Bryant size 28 doesn't fit her. Actually, I think she's a couple/few sized bigger than that.

She was there for me when I was banded- slept all night sitting up in a chair next to me after post-surg pain management didn't go well. I was out of my skull in pain.

I think it was being blown up like a balloon that my mind couldn't wrap around and body couldn't handle- a whole new different kind of pain like I've never felt before (and I've experienced ALL kinds of really bad physical pain).

Bless her heart for being there!

Anyway, I think that experience may have imprinted on her negatively regarding WLS. I don't know for sure. We haven't really talked about it much. Not at all these last few years. Only about the 1st yr or so.

Right now, she's on a diet that I know isn't good nor long-term-health-sustaining. I forget what it's called. She says it's kind of like the Paleo diet but to me, it sounds similar to Atkins- all fat & protein- and some spinach I guess.

She's lost some weight on it, as has her fiancé' who's also on it. They're living together in their little apartment, doing well starting their new life. SO cute!

She's convinced she's on a sustainable lifelong diet. I hope she's right. I'm supportive & when they come over I cook to accommodate her diet. I notice when she's losing & give her compliments, kudos and lots of love.

What I see in my crystal ball is a lifetime struggle with weight, like me. One diet to the next. Big loss- bigger gain, back & forth. A Miserable existence, like I was.

I love her SO much. I don't want that for her.

It's a very touchy subject- approaching someone about their weight; telling them you're concerned about they're health. I don't thinks she's going to hear all the "I love you SO muches"or "I'm concerned for your health" or "I want you to enjoy Motherhood and be able to have babies without complications"

I'm afraid all she'll hear (what I think she'll translate my concern into) is, "Look! You're Super Fat. Go get stomach surgery and fix it"- Or something super negative like that- which is NOT my thoughts nor intent. But of course, she'll think that.

Especially touchy when they're convinced this fad diet will be the end-all answer to her weight problem.

Even more difficult with that negative imprint from my WLS.

I want to gingerly suggest she get WLS, possibly her fiancé' too who's struggled with weight all his life too.

They both now have a good job with med ins that I think would cover it.

I make it a point to stay out of her financial affairs unless she wants to talk about it, so I don't know all her details with ins & income etc (though I did strongly suggest they start their 401k's asap! lol which they did)

I'm not sure what I should do. I don't want to witness her yo-yo dieting. I'm concerned with this all fat and Protein diet's effect on her heart and circulatory system.

Any suggestions on the best way to approach this daunting task? Or even IF I should address this with her?

I'm not sure what to do- or not do.

The last thing in the world that I want to do - is offend her...

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

Nothing. She's grow and her weight is her journey. You can't live it for her. The best you can do is live by example. Follow your path and show (not tell) how much better your quality of life is after your WLS.

Part of being a parent is letting go and allowing your child to fall down and get themselves back up.

[della street 213]

@@NewLife'sGr8 Oh my, can I relate -- my daughter is 24, also living w/her boyfriend (I expect soon-to-be fiancee, lol - ), has her Master's degree, good job, etc....a great start to her life. But -- I see that since she graduated from college about 3 years ago, she's really put on weight -- which I totally understand, having done so myself -- and gained and lost and gained and lost, etc, till now at age 59, I'm 340 lbs, ugh ugh ugh, hopefully getting scheduled for surgery after first of the year when new insurance kicks in. (new insurance covers WLS; current insurance does not). I, too, want to talk to her about her weight - BUT - i vividly recall how upsetting it was to have my mother and mother-in-law 'mention' my weight to me---from my mother, it was well-intentioned; from m-in-law, was just negative -- anyway, I have no solution, but just wanted you to know you're not alone

[cheryl2586 3,053]

Weight loss surgery has to be a personal decision and if she has not mentioned it, then I think you would be better off just showing her that you are an example of weight loss surgery. I know when I was fat I didnt want anyone to mention anything to me.

[wannaBthinsoon 1,634]

Amen, Blerdgirl!

[BeagleLover 1,020]

My youngest daughter, 23, is extremely obese. Lane Bryant size 28 doesn't fit her. Actually, I think she's a couple/few sized bigger than that.

She was there for me when I was banded- slept all night sitting up in a chair next to me after post-surg pain management didn't go well. I was out of my skull in pain.

I think it was being blown up like a balloon that my mind couldn't wrap around and body couldn't handle- a whole new different kind of pain like I've never felt before (and I've experienced ALL kinds of really bad physical pain).

Bless her heart for being there!

Anyway, I think that experience may have imprinted on her negatively regarding WLS. I don't know for sure. We haven't really talked about it much. Not at all these last few years. Only about the 1st yr or so.

Right now, she's on a diet that I know isn't good nor long-term-health-sustaining. I forget what it's called. She says it's kind of like the Paleo diet but to me, it sounds similar to Atkins- all fat & protein- and some spinach I guess.

She's lost some weight on it, as has her fiancé' who's also on it. They're living together in their little apartment, doing well starting their new life. SO cute!

She's convinced she's on a sustainable lifelong diet. I hope she's right. I'm supportive & when they come over I cook to accommodate her diet. I notice when she's losing & give her compliments, kudos and lots of love.

What I see in my crystal ball is a lifetime struggle with weight, like me. One diet to the next. Big loss- bigger gain, back & forth. A Miserable existence, like I was.

I love her SO much. I don't want that for her.

It's a very touchy subject- approaching someone about their weight; telling them you're concerned about they're health. I don't thinks she's going to hear all the "I love you SO muches"or "I'm concerned for your health" or "I want you to enjoy Motherhood and be able to have babies without complications"

I'm afraid all she'll hear (what I think she'll translate my concern into) is, "Look! You're Super Fat. Go get stomach surgery and fix it"- Or something super negative like that- which is NOT my thoughts nor intent. But of course, she'll think that.

Especially touchy when they're convinced this fad diet will be the end-all answer to her weight problem.

Even more difficult with that negative imprint from my WLS.

I want to gingerly suggest she get WLS, possibly her fiancé' too who's struggled with weight all his life too.

They both now have a good job with med ins that I think would cover it.

I make it a point to stay out of her financial affairs unless she wants to talk about it, so I don't know all her details with ins & income etc (though I did strongly suggest they start their 401k's asap! lol which they did)

I'm not sure what I should do. I don't want to witness her yo-yo dieting. I'm concerned with this all fat and Protein diet's effect on her heart and circulatory system.

Any suggestions on the best way to approach this daunting task? Or even IF I should address this with her?

I'm not sure what to do- or not do.

The last thing in the world that I want to do - is offend her...

Does you daughter have co-morbidities that are untreated or unsuccessfully treated?

[KristenVSG2014 1,872]

Weight loss surgery has to be a personal decision and if she has not mentioned it, then I think you would be better off just showing her that you are an example of weight loss surgery. I know when I was fat I didnt want anyone to mention anything to me.

What she said. ????

Four years ago at 24 years old and my highest weight I had many family members lovingly showing their concern. I had a doctor tell me the only way I would ever lose weight was by having Bariatric surgery. I KNEW I was fat and needed to lose weight but I wanted to do it MY way. I lost 73 pounds by doing a similar diet to your daughter. Then I gained 60 pounds back over those four years and realized I needed something more permanent. I had to come to the realization on my own.

[Elode 8,093]

@@NewLife'sGr8 I know you love your daughter but I wouldn't bring it up to her right now, not while she's already trying to do something about her weight with this "diet". She is obviously aware of her weight issue and it sounds like she's trying to be proactive about it. It may or may not work for her and if it doesn't then maybe if you feel the need to have that discussion with her that's your daughter and that's your prerogative but I wouldn't do that to her right now because she may take it as you don't believe she can do it on her own which is whats she's trying to do. Give her the opportunity to exhaust all her options before WLS. I took my surgery as a last ditch effort and I made the choice for myself. WLS is something you really have to be whole heartedly ready to commit to. She's still doing her own thing. Let her try. Good luck to you both!

[WL WARRIOR 692]

I agree with the others, she has to come to the realization on her own. My own mother was never a good role model as far as healthy eating and regular exercise. I didn't become overweight until eight years ago. My mother would say the most inappropriate things that still hurt when I think about it. She would tell me that she had a dream about me and in it I lost all the weight and was pretty again. I got to my highest weight (280) a few weeks before Christmas last year. My mother wanted to take me out to buy me an outfit for a Christmas Eve family gathering. Shopping for clothes with my mother was a horrible experience. Their weren't many clothes in my size. She would get this disgusted look on her face and say "Oh, you just have to lose weight!" She repeated that phrase four times before our outing was over. Maybe she does have some true concern, but it really just made me hate myself. Her comments have weakened our relationship. She wasn't supportive of surgery even it was the only thing that gave me any hope. I don't visit her much lately because I don't want to hear what she has to say. I'm not giving her a chance to rent space in my head anymore.

Cherish the good relationship you have with your daughter and don't bring up the weight issue if possible.

[SandyM 1,956]

Just keep loving her and supporting her. She'll come to you when and if she's ready. I find myself wanting to help those I love, but I don't bring it up cuz I don't want to offend or hurt feelings. Your daughter will learn the same way you did and handle it accordingly.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Paleo is not so bad. As a matter of fact, paleo / primal eating is very similar to what we bariatric patients are doing now. The primary emphasis is Protein and plenty of it....eat your green veggies....fruit once in a while, but not so much as before.......avoid breads, crackers, noodles, pastry, rice, etc and starchy foods......get off the couch and move your body every day......drink Water until your eyeballs float. We aleady eat as natural as possible and have nearly eliminated any foods made in a factory. So, guess what? You are eating paleo.

If you want to learn more about the paleo / primal concept go to Mark's Daily Apple

www.marksdailyapple.com. If we were to go back and ask out nutritionists to remind us of the basics, they would tell us to eat more Protein, some green veggies, as few starches as possible, fruit not so much, and drink Water until our eyeballs float.

You and your daughter have so much in common with your new dietary lifestyles, that you could have some really supportive conversations with each other. She may not be ready for discussions about surgery just yet, but good for her that she is trying a process that will help until she is ready to talk about surgery.

[IcanMakeit 1,318]

I'm so glad I stumbled on this thread. My wonderful daughter was never overweight until she had her first child. She lost some of the extra weight after her first was born, only to gain even more extra weight during her second pregnancy. Many months later, she is still overweight. I want to say something to her to warn her that extra pounds not only don't fall off by themselves, they frequently recruit more. I so don't want her to repeat my mistakes, and live the bulk of her adult life as an obese woman. But you guys are right. It's never helpful to point out something that someone already knows. And I certainly didn't appreciate my mother telling me that I needed to lose weight. I'll just keep my mouth shut.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

When I had WLS I told people I loved that it was my time no matter what to regain my health and well being. It was my time to be healthier and live better and make healthier choices and it was my time to stand alone and no longer be someone who stood out as an example of what not to do. It was about me! No one else. That is how I approached it because I thought I was going to do this alone.....I WAS SO WRONG!

After all the complications and every struggle I went through they were with me helping me get better and better. They were the ones that saw it in a different light and knew that it was going to be and still is a long process to fight the addiction of food. Like any other addiction.

When asked by my sister why I did this to myself I answered that I was tired of being the fat on of the family and that it was my time to be invisible in that respect.....I told her it was her time as well. To lose the 'at least I'm not as fat as her' crap comments. After talking with her gently and giving her not only the information but also expressing the emotional changes in me she is having GP on Dec. 2.

That is her coming to terms with her life choices and what she wants to gain from her personal journey. If she were to look at me and all the complications I endure, a normal thinking individual would run like h*ll. But she knows she is not me.

By gently mentioning the emotional changes not to mention the health changes. She may come to the same conclusion as you did. But that is about her journey. Not everyone gets there the same way.

Some people on here have had WLS before it got out of hand. Thinking back I would have given my eye teeth to be that in tune with myself. But I was not.....

By giving all the love you can and I see you do. Who knows....But concentrate on the positives of your journey and it may make all the difference....