MIL Problems

[maudeispam 2]

My DH and I have been married almost three years. Prior to us getting together, my DH lived with his mom and step dad. (He was 35 when we married & I was 32.) He helped pay bills, buy groceries and took his folks on vacation. A few months before I moved to SD my DH rented a small house. We lived together for a year, then got married. My MIL continued to expect my DH to give her money and or drop everything to come do something for her. I put the brakes on him giving her money once we were married. I told him if we give her money, we should give my parents money too. He agreed and stopped giving her money. Our step dad passed away and she moved into a apartment. Things were good for awhile. Now she is back at terrorizing all of her family. (She has three sons that live in the area.) She calls several times a day (we have caller id), complains about everything, there is NEVER anything good in her life. She says she NEVER has any money (she gets her husbands soc. security & works 32 hours a week and makes $8 or more per hour.) She has had a gambling problem in the past and we suspect that is the issue again. She is driving us bonkers and causing un-needed/un-warranted stress in our lives. We try to involve her as much as possible in our lives, but we don't need Mrs. Negative all the time. What really got me boiling again is this past Saturday's local paper ran a section on dedications to mother's. Families could email a submission to "why my mom is my hero." I wrote a nice one up for my mom and one for the MIL from her sons, grandchildren & us DIL's. She hadn't saw the paper, but I made a zerox copy and gave that to her. She just glanced at it and sat it aside. My SIL made a big ta do about it and said "Oh wasn't that so nice what Pam And DH put in the paper for you." Then the MIL read the clipping and just grunted and never said anything more. I was iritated to say the least. The MIL expects so much from her sons & family but we never get credit or a thank you. She never acknowledges a birthday or even our wedding. (She went all the way to MI with us and never gave us so much as a card!) We also gave her a surprise 70th birthday party the Sunday before her birthday. I went out of my way to find out her friend's addresses and let everyone know. She never even said thank you to me, and everyone told her I planned it all out. Then she had the nerve to whine that no one sent her anything or called her on her actual birthday (it fell during the week, we work nights.) I am at a lost and don't know what to do. The family is finally working together and seem to be on the same side. The sons dont want a confrontation with her, but yet are in the most part in agreement something needs to be done. Sorry for the long post, but if I wrote everything that this woman has ever done, I would be typing all day. Any ideas to make our life easier?

[anonemouse 1]

I don't think anything BUT a confrontation would work with her. It sounds like she is probably depressed, along with some other problems, and is trying to make everyone else's lives as miserable as hers. I'd give her an ultimatum about either seeing a therapist or not seeing you guys.

[enterprise01 0]

I once had this cat that was a terror. She destroyed my carpet and furniture, bit me at the slightest provocation, and generally treated me with contempt. I took care of this cat like she was a beloved pet. She ate the best food, drank from a fountain, had the best medical care, and lived a life of luxury. At the age of 7 she was diagnosed with lymphoma and I spent the next 9 years giving her chemotherapy. She did mellow a bit in her old age but not much. My point with this story is that your MIL is like my cat. She is the center of her own universe and despite all the kind things you have done for her, she is not going to be grateful because in her mind it will never be enough. People are what they are. They don't change unless they want to, and at the age of 70, your MIL is not going to change. Kindness is its own reward. Continue to be kind to her because you know it is the right way to behave. My boyfriend used to ask me why I did so much for Fuzz and treated her so well when she gave me nothing back except disdain. My response was always "because it's the right thing to do." Take solace in knowing that you are the better person.

Of course it wouldn't hurt to try to minimize your contact with her (for your own sanity). If you could get her involved in some charity work or a seniors' center where she could interact with other people and make new friends, that might take some of the onus off the family. Good luck.

[Elisabethsew 50]

Her sons are the ones who have to decide whether or not to confront this woman. If you or another in-law does it, you wil be the "bad gal" and that will add fuel to your MIL's fire.

Since it seems like your husband is not willing to take action, I would advise setting limits. You can agree to see the woman once a week (either visit her or have her visit you), refuse any money exchanges, and accept 2-3 phone calls a week. Once your MIL sees that you're establishing a pattern with her, she'll either modify her nasty and selfish ways or bug another son and his wife.

[maudeispam 2]

Thanks for all the input. I will keep you posted.

[maudeispam 2]

Okay so hear it goes my MIL managed to irritate me once again. DH, and I, along with friends and family (cousins) decided we were going camping this weekend. (this was decided way back in March.) Anywho DH and I headed down on Thursday morning to reserve a spot for all of us. Weds night I sent out an email before going to work informing everyone (including my MIL) that we wouldnt be home till Sunday afternoon or evening. It was a simple form email that stated we were leaving Thurs. am camping and would be back on Sunday afternoon. She (MIL) replied to the email. "OK I don't care." My BIL & SIL invited her to come down to visit on Saturday, she never showed. I'm not sure what my next step should be. I am tempted to tell her to get her crap out of our garage and only communicate with her when I absolutely have to. Other than that I am not sure. I just don't want hard feelings between my DH and me. He is so good to me and for me. This is his mother we are discussing, but she hasn't liked me from day one. Any ideas?

[Elisabethsew 50]

She obviously replied to the email with a snide response for the sole purpose of pissing you off and that's exactly what happened. I would not acknowledge her email at all... through writing or verbally. If you don't add fuel to her fire, she'll need to let it die out.

[RKidder 0]

Elizabeth is right. She is seeking reaction from you. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her. Your husband and his brothers need to stop cowtowing to their mom. It's easier for them to just "go along" with her behavior than to set limits. That is their problem. Don't take on her issues - make a nice gesture, if she refuses, go on with your plans. Life is full of choices - she chooses to be miserable. She is depressed. You may want to offer to help her seek counselling for her depression. If she refuses, that is her choice. You are not obligated to sit by and watch, however. Best of luck to you, honey.

[*susan* 1,709]

It definitely sounds like she is depressed and may be very lonely as well. It sounds like she is still recovering from the loss of her husband. Maybe she misses the life she had with him and does not feel like she is a part of anything anymore. Perhaps she is jealous that you all still have your spouses and lives and she misses that part of her life and has not learned how to adjust to not having her husband anymore. It sounds like counseling or some type of support group is definitely in order for her.

[edieparks 2]

I am so impressed with the responses you have recieved. We have some smart experienced people here.

edie

[maudeispam 2]

Thanks everyone. I too believe she needs counseling. I also believe she is seriously depressed. This has been going on for years, even before she lost her husband. According to the extended family she (MIL) has been a bitter, cold hearted, negative person for as long as anyone can remember. It has just gotten progressively worse. I will talk to my DH and his brothers and try to convince them she needs mental (counseling) and help.

[*susan* 1,709]

If she refuses to get help, you can also look at having her placed for observation for up to 72 hours without her consent. In Florida, we refer to it as the "Baker Act". I am not sure what they call it in your state, but I am sure they have similiar provisions in place. If after 72 hours, the physician feels she is in need of medication and further treatment, but your MIL refused to cooperate, he could then file paperwork for a court order to continue to treat her. This is a drastic move, but if she is truly suffering from behavioral health problems, possibly a necessary one.

[Carlene 12]

My MIL is 87 years old (though in great shape....she walks 2 miles every day) and she lives with me. She is also very negative and bitter. She worked for Kroger 36 years and retired just shortly before her husband died. She is very thrifty. How thrifty is she? She managed to save, on her own, over $400,000 during the time she worked and since. That's pretty good, considering she never made a huge salary. She has figured out that eventually she will die, and her daughters-in-law will spend all her money. It drives her nuts.

She complains ALL the time about how much things cost, how other people spend their money, etc. She won't take some of her meds because there is no generic and they cost $30 per month. It just makes us all crazy.

My advice is to ignore as much as you possibly can, including the e-mail. If you make a big deal out of it, she will just say she didn't mean anything by it, and you will end up looking like you are just spoiling for a fight.

A son is a son til he take a wife; a daughter is a daughter all of her life. That's an old saying, and it's true. If you are the mother of boys, chances are that someday you will be on the receiving end. Practice building good Karma while you can.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

Have you ever heard the expression to keep toxic people out of your life?

Keep your contact with her to a minimum. Do whatever you have to do to not let her into your life. She will always be your MIL, but you don't have to put up with all of this.

[maudeispam 2]

Thanks everyone. I have decided to have minimal contact with her. Obviously there will be times I can't avoid her, but for the most part it should be easy. When she comes over I decided I will go in the kitchen, outside, downstairs, whatever it takes. Maybe she will get the hint....maybe not. When she calls I refuse to answer the phone, DH will have to listen to her, if he isn't here, she will have to leave a voice mail. My SIL offered the same advice, she has been doing the same thing for over ten years. She (SIL) has the some stories to tell too about the MIL. Thanks everyone.