Telling about surgery

[HaddocksEyes 205]

people, you're not understanding what we are saying.. no one is saying you have t tell, that's not it at all. were just saying its not honest for YOU to tell someone you lost the weight without mentioning you had help from the surgery. That's all, no one is saying you have to tell people. as a matter of fact I have repeatedly said you should tell nosy people to mind their own business. And I never said I want anyone to counsel people who are on the fence about having surgery. What I said was I would like people to educate the people who do not know better as to what people go through on this surgery so then other people wont have to face that negativity.

Lipsticklady I never said you lied, I don't why you made that up. I was never actually talking about or to, you. You jumped in on me.

Steve,

After you have the surgery, if that's your choice, you will understand that having the surgery IS a big deal in the beginning. Your sleeve will do a lot for you in those early days in terms of helping. However, after a year, two years, you will be the one doing all the hard work. You will be the one making the proper dietary choices, the one choosing to exercise and the one choosing to take the supplements each and ever day as prescribed. Your sleeve is merely just a tool for success. You are putting far too much emphasis on the surgery itself as being THE one thing that allows us to lose weight and be healthy.

Right now you see the omission of mention of surgery as a lie. You can't see the other side of things because you're not on the other side yet. The surgery is just a very small part of this whole journey. You see people on TV, or maybe know people personally that have "eaten through their surgery", that have gained almost all of it back. We all do. It just shows that at the end of the day you are responsible for your ultimate success. Those hours spent exercising, calorie counting, making good choices...that will be all you.

[The Candidate 3,215]

I have also made the decision to only tell a select few, especially at work. Work sometimes walks a fine line between heaven and hell, and by that I mean there are some there that I consider the closest of friends, and others, well - lets just say that if I had any choice in the matter I wouldn't be associating with them. We're all thrown together by chance and nothing more. It's hit and miss. High school was very much the same. And if you happen to work in a typical office setting then you probably know first hand that there are a lot of people who never graduate emotionally from high school. That clique/bully mentality oftentimes comes with the office package, and I've had enough of bullying to last me a lifetime.

If I was trying to have a baby I wouldn't make a formal announcement beforehand, and I feel the same way about WLS. Now once I start gaining weight (if I got pregnant) or losing it (after surgery) then of course, I'm going to have to tell people something. But until then, this is mine. I want to get used to it myself first, figure out how the change is going to affect my everyday life before I'm forced to start explaining it to others. The other thing for me is that I've worked at the same place for over 26 years now. I distinctly remember the joy of the time I got down to 126 pounds and size 6 one year, only to regain it all again plus more the next year. All those flattering comments from my co-workers suddenly went eerily silent once the concrete proof of my failure seeped in. It took me years to get over my own self-loathing over that set back. And until the option of WLS came along, I had pretty much given up completely on the idea of ever losing the weight.

They've seen me at my highest and my lowest, and then my highest once again. I just don't want to feel their judging eyes watching me day by day, when I come back after surgery for signs of failure. I just couldn't go through that again.

[kimpossible67 608]

Well as the one that started this train wreck of a thread, I had my first "slight" last night. A girl I went to HS with came for a visit. She was heavy in school but pretty normal size now.

She commented that being fat is just mental and all you have to do is change your attitude and eat less. She quickly added"except for you." I wasn't insulted and I don't think she meant how she came across, like it's just a switch we can turn off. We never discussed weight the rest of the night or my surgery. I just enjoyed crossing my legs. Lol.

[Kindle 8,667]

I totally understand the embarrassment of needing the extra tool almost talked me out it. Like why can I after such drastic measures and yet not have the self discipline needed to succeed without it. Frustrating at least but then it turned pride and determination as we've all said a tool indeed the success still lies on us with this boost of confidence to succeed. I have told close circle now proud of my decision and though I don't think this is by any means an easy way out. I feel it's a desperate plea for that boost of help I need. I don't know that I'll tell everyone or maybe I will who knows. But I will respect why so many may or may not , it's definitely a personal choice to have this surgery and just as personal as to whom you trust to tell!

I, too, was quite ashamed about letting myself get so fat. I felt helpless and didn't have the discipline to stop. It was embarrassing to come to the realization that I needed WLS. It was hard to disclose my decision at first, but the more I talked about it, the less awkward it became. I fortunately have very supportive people in my live, so despite their concern for the surgery part, they never made me feel bad about it. Eventually the embarrassment faded away.

By the time I was losing weight and getting asked questions about my weight loss (several times, every single day) I had no problem talking about my surgery. "You look great! How did you lose so much?" "I had surgery" "did you get lap band or bybass?" "Neither, I had 85% of my stomach removed, so it basically just limits how much I can eat. It's called a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. But I also eat a lot of Protein and stay away from carbs". "Well good for you! How do you feel?" "I feel great!" "Where did you have your surgery?" "I went to Mexico" "O my gosh! Really?".... And then that's a whole other conversation. But that was my typical interaction with hundreds of clients and friends. Some asked more questions, which I answered. And some just said congrats and we moved on to other things.

In my case the "the truth shall set you free" really was true. It made me feel better and less embarrassed by getting it out there. I used to be embarrassed about having a lot of chin hair, too, but now I walk right into the salon and ask my beautician if she has time to wax my beard...right there in front of everyone! Hey, they even know about my fecal transplant, so what's a few whiskers?! ???? Sure, she says, but only if you eat something! ????

[The Candidate 3,215]

@@kimpossible67 I don't think this topic is a train wreck at all. It just shows that we're all different people with very different life experiences and opinions. We just happen to have this one thing in common that's all. We're fat and we're hoping not to be.

We didn't all get to this point in our life in the exact same way, and after surgery, our outcomes will take vastly different routes as well. Nothing wrong with that.

[Stevehud 1,790]

I have to clarify. haddockseye, I never said women hide the surgey my exact words were,

People are hiding the surgery because they do not want people to think they did not have to work at weight loss and it was all the surgeries doing. SO they want people to think they did it all by themselves with no help.

I most assuredly do not mean all people. but even people on these boards have said straight out ( not in this thread) that they will hide the surgery because they do not want people thinking they took a shortcut or cheated in some way. Now I don't really like that, but im not out to stop anyone from saying anything. The reason I was upset, is when I said that if we as a group of people take the time to educate people, so if they say : oh you had surgery:, we can say yes here is what I had to do , here is what I gave up, here is what I went through and go through forever. then maybe those people will see that it isn't a cop out or cheat, and the next series of people who get this surgery wont be faced with those stares and remarks. Now yes I have not had my surgery yet, I get my final go ahead this Thursday. ( I'm anxious and nervous as heck) but when I have told my friends and my co workers and actually hundreds of strangers on my blog about this whole process, I get the same response, "really you have to do that and that and you have to go through that " etc. I tell them about what people on here go through, and as a result I have converted skeptics into helpers. Yes I'm lucky in that respect. But im not alone in this boat and anyone who wants to help me row, is welcome to enjoy the trip. And if I can help someone with their rowing, im more than happy to.

[kasumi 37]

I'm telling people that genuinely care about me, and I have been open with them the whole way. To everyone else, they know I'm having surgery, but unless they ask for specifics, I don't care to give them. It just is such a hassle to explain how in American standards I may not seem big, but in Asian standards, I'm huge. They don't get the whole "not being able to run from my dna" reasoning, or they just don't think I've tried hard enough to do it the "natural way".

[oatmealgirl 56]

@greeneyeys604 first let me say you are entitled to say, do and feel however you want so this is not a judgement of you. To that end, when you give an explanation about how you're losing weight, you are leaving out the most important detail and that is called a lie by omission. By omitting the fact that you had surgery, you are lying about how you are losing weight because but for the surgery, you would not be losing weight.

Additionally, and again you're entitled to say whatever you can live with, as thesuse2000 put it, if you could do it with JUST the things you mentioned, why have the surgery? If you decide to answer the question "how are you losing weight", you should at lease tell them ALL of the facts. That's where it can seem as though you're being dishonest.

If not for the people being honest and upfront about what helped them lose weight, many of us would not have decided to have this procedure. If not for seeing it work for someone else and hearing their "testimony", I would not have decided to have the surgery. I know many people that have had the surgery, had success with it and have no regrets.

I too am a leader or "self starter" as you put it. However, this one area, I could not permanently help myself by keeping the weight off. I have lost and gained and lost more times than I can to mention, all in the last 10 years. I was not overweight until about 10 years ago and once I fell in that hole, every diet put me further and further away from my ideal healthy weight. I am an intelligent person and yet, I couldn't "do this" for myself.

I really just wanted you to know that you could give someone the gift of courage to do what you're doing, like your one friend did for you by telling all the details.

Lastly, to everyone that is open and weight loss surgery thank you for giving part of yourself to others in an effort to inspire and encourage them to brave and save their own lives.

[sleevedup 46]

While I sincerely respect and admire those of you who have had the courage to tell others about your bariatric surgery, I do not think omitting the fact the you had WLS surgery should be chided, especially by your own community. I highly dislike comments that insinuate someone is a liar for not exposing something that is truly a personal decision. I agree strongly as well however, that it is important for others to inform the public about this process as so many people remain ignorant about the disease of obesity. You are being of service and potential being a great resource and inspiration for other who may need the surgery or have loved ones who do. However, don't knock your trudging buddy for having a different path, please respect those of us who decide to remain anonymous. It is an understandable not to make your surgery public, considering the judgement and pain many of us have already experienced. I understand many of you have tried to remain civil about your opinion and don't consider your comments hurtful, but it really is not in your place to judge our desire to keep things private.

I am a member of AA. Like obesity, alcoholism is also a disease. For various reasons, I don't go around telling others I don't drink because I have the disease of alcoholism. No one in the program would ever question this, we support one another. I feel those who chose to share are courageous and an inspiration, but they in turn, they completely understand my position and don't make me feel like I am lying by saying "I am good" or "I have had enough" or "no thanks" when offered a drink I can not take. Why? Because they understand the stigma. They understand the judgment of others and the fact that not everyone has the energy to deal with being the spokesperson for the resolution of a disease. AA, like bariatric surgery, is common knowledge. It is not a secret society, we should not be made to feel like liars because we do not share every aspect of our journey.

So please, just stop. Be proud of your courage, I love that people like you are out there, I really think you who chose to share are amazing folks. But it is also not in your place to comment on those of us who don't.

[HaddocksEyes 205]

@greeneyeys604 first let me say you are entitled to say, do and feel however you want so this is not a judgement of you. To that end, when you give an explanation about how you're losing weight, you are leaving out the most important detail and that is called a lie by omission. By omitting the fact that you had surgery, you are lying about how you are losing weight because but for the surgery, you would not be losing weight.

Additionally, and again you're entitled to say whatever you can live with, as thesuse2000 put it, if you could do it with JUST the things you mentioned, why have the surgery? If you decide to answer the question "how are you losing weight", you should at lease tell them ALL of the facts. That's where it can seem as though you're being dishonest.

If not for the people being honest and upfront about what helped them lose weight, many of us would not have decided to have this procedure. If not for seeing it work for someone else and hearing their "testimony", I would not have decided to have the surgery. I know many people that have had the surgery, had success with it and have no regrets.

I too am a leader or "self starter" as you put it. However, this one area, I could not permanently help myself by keeping the weight off. I have lost and gained and lost more times than I can to mention, all in the last 10 years. I was not overweight until about 10 years ago and once I fell in that hole, every diet put me further and further away from my ideal healthy weight. I am an intelligent person and yet, I couldn't "do this" for myself.

I really just wanted you to know that you could give someone the gift of courage to do what you're doing, like your one friend did for you by telling all the details.

Lastly, to everyone that is open and weight loss surgery thank you for giving part of yourself to others in an effort to inspire and encourage them to brave and save their own lives.

This is a sensitive topic for a lot of people, including me.

As I have said before, the word "lie" and "truth" is relative to who is speaking the words and their particular life experience. To label someone as a "liar" or "untruthful" is a judgmental (and honestly, I see it as rude) statement. But we all have the right to say what we wish, and state our opinion, so to say as much is your right - I personally don't like it and don't think it is conducive to a positive enviroment. The outside world is tough enough on obese people - why attack each other here by name calling and put-downs?

To keep hammering the drum of (1) you need to tell, (2) you have a duty to help others and (3) you are dishonest and a liar if you don't do (1) and (2) is ridiculous. It is just as easy to say people aren't truthful to others if they say they can eat whatever they want but leave out the fact that they spend hours in the gym compensating for the fact they eat freely and without restriction. Do they also have the responsibility to admit that they work their heart out? Do we call them a liar and state that they have the responsibility to motivate others by sharing ALL of the details of how they lost weight? Do we call people out who take supplements and that is the cause of their success? How trivial are the things they are doing in light of the overall picture? Do we give these people as much grief as has been given on this site, and other sites like it?

I said this once and I will say it again - the sleeve is merely a TOOL. When we chide others for deciding not to tell, even though they say they are honest about the exercise and the good food choices they are making, why are we giving so much important to the surgery part? All the veterans can attest that the actual restriction is merely part of the formula, that one can still gain back the weight if he or she is not careful. We have either heard of or know people that have "eaten through their surgery". The exercise, food choices and overall decision to make a positive life choice is what matters here at the end of the day. I'm not responsible for anyone else's happiness or health and neither are you or anyone else on this site.

People who are really miserable and want a change will seek out the information they wish to know to help them move forward with whatever decision they make. I'm not a cheerleader nor a nay-sayer on surgery. If I say something, I stick to the facts.

My doctor has it right - he wants to make sure that the decisions people make regarding the surgery are all their own. He takes care not to laud the surgery as a cure-all and is very upfront with the possible complications that can occur. I went to see another bariatric doctor here in Sacramento before Dr. Ali and let me tell you that his seminar was like going to a time-share presentation..complete with advertisements plugging the services of other doctors that provided related services.

If a patient ever has buyer's remorse, that doctor will certainly be blamed. If the surgery doesn't go right for those you feel you had to encourage, you may find yourself in a similar position.

[HaddocksEyes 205]

While I sincerely respect and admire those of you who have had the courage to tell others about your bariatric surgery, I do not think omitting the fact the you had WLS surgery should be chided, especially by your own community. I highly dislike comments that insinuate someone is a liar for not exposing something that is truly a personal decision. I agree strongly as well however, that it is important for others to inform the public about this process as so many people remain ignorant about the disease of obesity. You are being of service and potential being a great resource and inspiration for other who may need the surgery or have loved ones who do. However, don't knock your trudging buddy for having a different path, please respect those of us who decide to remain anonymous. It is an understandable not to make your surgery public, considering the judgement and pain many of us have already experienced. I understand many of you have tried to remain civil about your opinion and don't consider your comments hurtful, but it really is not in your place to judge our desire to keep things private.

I am a member of AA. Like obesity, alcoholism is also a disease. For various reasons, I don't go around telling others I don't drink because I have the disease of alcoholism. No one in the program would ever question this, we support one another. I feel those who chose to share are courageous and an inspiration, but they in turn, they completely understand my position and don't make me feel like I am lying by saying "I am good" or "I have had enough" or "no thanks" when offered a drink I can not take. Why? Because they understand the stigma. They understand the judgment of others and the fact that not everyone has the energy to deal with being the spokesperson for the resolution of a disease. AA, like bariatric surgery, is common knowledge. It is not a secret society, we should not be made to feel like liars because we do not share every aspect of our journey.

So please, just stop. Be proud of your courage, I love that people like you are out there, I really think you who chose to share are amazing folks. But it is also not in your place to comment on those of us who don't.

Your post is so awesome - thank you so much for sharing.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

While I sincerely respect and admire those of you who have had the courage to tell others about your bariatric surgery, I do not think omitting the fact the you had WLS surgery should be chided, especially by your own community. I highly dislike comments that insinuate someone is a liar for not exposing something that is truly a personal decision. I agree strongly as well however, that it is important for others to inform the public about this process as so many people remain ignorant about the disease of obesity. You are being of service and potential being a great resource and inspiration for other who may need the surgery or have loved ones who do. However, don't knock your trudging buddy for having a different path, please respect those of us who decide to remain anonymous. It is an understandable not to make your surgery public, considering the judgement and pain many of us have already experienced. I understand many of you have tried to remain civil about your opinion and don't consider your comments hurtful, but it really is not in your place to judge our desire to keep things private.

I am a member of AA. Like obesity, alcoholism is also a disease. For various reasons, I don't go around telling others I don't drink because I have the disease of alcoholism. No one in the program would ever question this, we support one another. I feel those who chose to share are courageous and an inspiration, but they in turn, they completely understand my position and don't make me feel like I am lying by saying "I am good" or "I have had enough" or "no thanks" when offered a drink I can not take. Why? Because they understand the stigma. They understand the judgment of others and the fact that not everyone has the energy to deal with being the spokesperson for the resolution of a disease. AA, like bariatric surgery, is common knowledge. It is not a secret society, we should not be made to feel like liars because we do not share every aspect of our journey.

So please, just stop. Be proud of your courage, I love that people like you are out there, I really think you who chose to share are amazing folks. But it is also not in your place to comment on those of us who don't.

Applause.

[bigloser2014 144]

I chose not to tell. Only my hubby, daughters and mother know.

For me it was not about lying or withholding. I just didn't want to waste my energy trying to educate the ignorant people. I have been judged for being over weight all my life. I will be darned if now I let them judge me on the way I chose to get rid of that weight and get healthy! My body, my business! That's why they have HIPAA laws, because no one has to disclose any medical information to anyone. And this is my private medical information.

My health is my priority, not dealing with other peoples' emotions on how I am losing the weight! I did not need that distraction. I am very happy with my decision not to tell anyone.

People will always have opinions. I am sure there are some who have figured out how I lost the weight. I don't care about that!

Am I lying when I tell them that I am losing because of diet and exercise? HECK NO! I am in the gym busting my butt every morning at 6 am. I have not had a piece of candy or chocolate of any other artificial sweet in 6 months. I have been tracking every single bite in these 6 months. Surgery didn't do that. I did! So, yes, I am working at it! There is no magic.

That said, it is a very personal decision. All of us have to make it based on our own situation in life. Mine told me that there were only 4 people who would support me no matter what and would be truly happy for me. Those 4 know.

[Stevehud 1,790]

im actually sorry that I ever posted so many people have taken my words out of context and used them against me.

All I was trying to say. was that the definition of a lie is not telling the truth or misleading someone with incomplete information. I never called anyone a liar or inferred it.

I also have said that there are people who have posted on these boards that they are not telling people because they fear people thinking they didn't do it themselves. Which I personally wont do. Nor do I believe in it. This has no bearing on what others do.

I also said that I wish ( you know I wish it means in a perfect world, or with magic or miracles or harry potters wand whatever!) that people would take the time to educate people on what is required of you both pre and post op in this surgery. I say that because I am trying to erase the stigma attached to WLS by men on men who have it. Because many men refuse to have the surgery and die horribly of the comorbidities associated with being obese. Did you know we now have two new terms for people who are do obese that the words morbid obesity no longer apply? We now have Super-Obese and Mega-Obese. I personally, not you or anyone who doesn't, feel that keeping quiet and letting people keep their antiquated ignorant notions, is the antithesis to providing a solution to this problem, and contributes immeasurably to the ostracizing of those who require it among those who do not know better.

I also wish my refrigerator would turn to gold, and that I owned a mustang. I wish is not an indictment of anyone.

I have shared my journey with hundred via my blog and social media. no one who knows me doesn't know about it. But that's me. stop blaming me for not being you. By the way I had my pre op weigh in today and surpassed my goal by six pounds. all my pre-cert paperwork has now been filed, as soon as its back I get my date, estimated to be the third week of December. People will read about that tonight on my next blog post.

[GreenEyes604 753]

To everyone that has commented on this thread...

To those that are in support of keeping their personal business private, such as myself, and do not feel that my choice of privacy makes me a liar, THANK YOU and I truly appreciate that you get it!

To those that want to educate others and help save the world from obesity and the horrible co-morbidities that go along with it, God Bless You, and you have fun with that.

I have been verbally beat up and beat down by some through this thread, and yet I still stand. I allowed the stupidity of others to totally take me out of myself and for that I will deal with myself on. As for this thread, I'M DONE!! You can have it!

I have no rebuttal for anything else that has been said to me or about me. I've had more than my fill of the negativity.

And on that note...... ya'll have fun with this......... I'm going to watch SCANDAL!!! Peace!