How to deal with fat friends

[della street 213]

@@onmywaytoonederland, I just burst out laughing (not at you!) but at your comment about injecting lizard spit -- and I thought I'd tried/heard everything about weight loss! lol -- Really? or am I taking you too literally? And I thought my experience with electro-shock therapy while eating "bad foods" with your mouth open and watching yourself chew disgusting stuff in the a mirror was strange -- (and yes, I actually did that -- as you'd chew McD's fries, for example, the person-in-a-white-lab-coat-who-I'm-quite-sure-wasn't-a-medical-professional would say disgusting things like "doesn't that look like worms crawling in your mouth" all while zapping me with electric shocks. Needless to say, it didn't work - the only difference it made in my behavior was that instead of a large order of fries on my way home from their torture chamber, I'd get a burrito... )

[Forsythia 882]

My best friend, since 5th grade, well, she and I are no longer friends. She's okay being 300lbs. I am not. And she said some things I was not down with. So she, instead of being a grown up, unfriended me on Facebook. I don't miss her.

[Camarolegend 185]

Wow! Some of you are dealing with a lot of drama during what should be a happy time. I am sorry to hear about these.

[briefs199 337]

I have a friend who told me that she is afraid she will be the only fat one left of our friends if I lose weight. I don't know what to think of that comment!!!

I am trying to be sympathetic to my obese friends. Being left behind is scary and let's face it society does judge you by weight. I am trying to let these comments roll off my back for now.

I just had my surgery and assume I will be confronted by more as I start to lose and it shows.

[Camarolegend 185]

Bring her along for the ride...lead by example. My 2 cents only. I have no fat friends. I've been the only one. I am only guessing about these posts and what it must be like. My friends are supportive. My "fat" coworkers /employees are inspired. it's "fat" family that can be difficult for me. They are supportive but don't adjust their poor nutritional habits when I'm around. It can be difficult. I just shake my head sometimes and think that used to be me.

[kimpossible67 608]

I think it's best to be honest. You never know the positive impact your journey may have on someone else!

[kimpossible67 608]

Besides, I find it insulting when you know someone has had it yet claims its from diet and exercise! It's nothing to be ashamed of!!!

[Garifab_VSG 122]

There are so many posts in here that I agree with, even though they give advice on all different ends of the spectrum.

The reality of the matter is, people who make such a drastic lifestyle change will lose a few friends along the way. Your "fat" friends will most likely be a casualty of your surgery. But the comparison was made about if you quit drinking, you can't keep hanging out with drinkers for your own good. I follow that logic for this as well. You're not forcing your decision on them to do the same thing, but the premise is the same - if they want to keep perpetuating an unhealthy lifestyle rather than trying to better themselves, then it might be best for you guys to put some time/distance between you until they work it out.

The piece I really feel bad for you about is your friend with the blabber mouth. I can see being willing to, and wanting, to share this news with your close friends, but knowing that the blabber mouth friend is going to tell everyone? that would put me off telling her. I'm sorry you have to deal with this decision. You have enough to deal with!

[Recycled 2,182]

Besides, I find it insulting when you know someone has had it yet claims its from diet and exercise! It's nothing to be ashamed of!!!

I must've missed something along the way....... My weight loss was in fact from my diet and exercise. And unless there has been some new development in biology......so is everybody else's.

Granted, the sleeve does help dramatically with Portion Control and some temporary hunger, but ultimately it's what foods......and how much food you eat along with exercise, that is responsible for losing the weight.

So you say then why didn't I lose weight before the sleeve, with diet and exercise? I always did.....and I always went back to eating larger portions and unhealthy foods and stopped exercising as I got larger .......ergo....unable to maintain diet and exercise.

The surgery is not magic. It's still all about diet and exercise. I just now have the added benefit of portion control to help me long enough to develop healthy eating habits. And I am not the least bit ashamed of admitting to having the surgery or the fact that the age old method of diet and exercise is still what is responsible for my weight loss.

[kimpossible67 608]

My weight loss is due to eating four bites of food for a meal, walking and the removal of 85% of my stomach. I couldn't do the former without the later.

[berkeleyandbrownie 20]

I am pretty open about my surgery with many people, but I have a sixth sense about who I shouldn't tell and who gets the "drastic diet, exercise, high Protein, low carb" truth without information about the surgical tool. I work in a small department and had to tell my co-workers early on. I made it clear to all of them (including the blabbermouth that i was concerned about not keeping my business to herself) that this was my story to tell and that I would choose who I told.

Perhaps that is one of the things that you should tell your friends if you choose to share your story. If they know that you are telling them because you love them and need their support but that this is YOUR STORY to share and not theirs, it might help.

With that said, we are going to my in-laws for Christmas and I have no intention of telling my in-laws the whole truth. My mother-in-law cannot be trusted to keep inappropriate comments to herself. My kids all know that I had surgery and know that it has helped me be healthier, but I have not focused on or discussed the weight loss issue with them, and I don't want my mother-in-law to destroy that focus. She has a history of saying very inappropriate things, so I have good reason to be wary.

Trust your gut on who to tell and not tell. When people ask me, I get a feeling about wheteher or not I should tell them. Often, it is an obese person who wears the same sadness and despair that I used to wear. I finally got my sleeve after several generous people trusted me with their sleeve stories, and, since my surgery, my success and contagious joy has been part of the motivation for at least 3 other people to have the sleeve themselves and begin their own transformation. Good luck

[iwanttofitin 20]

This is an interesting topic, and one that I've been thinking about in my own situation. I am still in the very pre-op stage, so probably 4 or 5 months out from having the surgery. I haven't said a word about this to my overweight best friend of 30 years. She has been very jealous of any weight loss success I have had from dieting in the past. I am usually the heavier one of the two of us, but I have gotten smaller than her a few times, and she certainly does NOT like it. She is a competitive person by nature, so I think she just can't stand me being the smaller one. Of course, my weight has always come back, and it's surprising how much nicer to me she is when I fail. Come to think of it, my own mother is like this too. I guess misery loves company...it's hard to see people succeed where we cannot. I love this friend like a sister, but I'm scared to tell her about my potential surgery, because it will probably send her through the roof with jealousy. Of course, she is free to go have surgery herself, but has said many times that she isn't willing to go that route. So, I'm really debating whether to tell her or not. She doesn't live in the same state as me, and we only see each other every few years. Do I go ahead with the surgery and then really knock her socks off the next time we see each other? Or, do I tell her, so she doesn't feel like I did something so major without sharing it with her? I don't want to lose our long friendship over this, but I feel like my weight loss will really change the dynamics of our friendship anyway. We've always been able commiserate over "fat girl problems"...it will be really different if one of us is no longer heavy.

Does anyone have any similar experiences they'd like to share?

[kimpossible67 608]

This is an interesting topic, and one that I've been thinking about in my own situation. I am still in the very pre-op stage, so probably 4 or 5 months out from having the surgery. I haven't said a word about this to my overweight best friend of 30 years. She has been very jealous of any weight loss success I have had from dieting in the past. I am usually the heavier one of the two of us, but I have gotten smaller than her a few times, and she certainly does NOT like it. She is a competitive person by nature, so I think she just can't stand me being the smaller one. Of course, my weight has always come back, and it's surprising how much nicer to me she is when I fail. Come to think of it, my own mother is like this too. I guess misery loves company...it's hard to see people succeed where we cannot. I love this friend like a sister, but I'm scared to tell her about my potential surgery, because it will probably send her through the roof with jealousy. Of course, she is free to go have surgery herself, but has said many times that she isn't willing to go that route. So, I'm really debating whether to tell her or not. She doesn't live in the same state as me, and we only see each other every few years. Do I go ahead with the surgery and then really knock her socks off the next time we see each other? Or, do I tell her, so she doesn't feel like I did something so major without sharing it with her? I don't want to lose our long friendship over this, but I feel like my weight loss will really change the dynamics of our friendship anyway. We've always been able commiserate over "fat girl problems"...it will be really different if one of us is no longer heavy.

Does anyone have any similar experiences they'd like to share?

It sounds as though she will be hostile either way. That's really too bad. Listen to your gut. Good Luck and I hope she can deal with being told beforehand or being surprised after. I'm not so sure I'd want to surprise her but then you don't need a Debbie Downer thru the process either. You need supportive people around you. It's not an easy road.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Of course, we can be friends with ANYONE.

But it's a fact that fat friends tend to make us fat and keep us fat.

Here are just two of the research studies with this finding:

http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/how-your-friends-make-you-fat%E2%80%94the-social-network-of-weight-201105242666

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2765271/Fat-friends-make-eat-MORE-You-likely-ditch-healthy-eating-goals-eating-overweight-companions.html

IMHO, there's strong agreement in these relationships that fat / food/ fitness won't ever be discussed seriously. The friends agree that those topics are too painful / embarrassing / irritating / upsetting to deal with and that they will continue to issue permission to each other to continue their unhealthy behaviors.

The same dynamic dominates relationships among drug users, alcoholics, and other substance abusers.

[built2livenotexist 119]

I can't speak for anyone but myself @@VSGAnn2014, but nobody helped me get fat or stay that way but ME.

I work in the field with the population you mentioned. The subculture mentality happens when a

person is participating in a set of socially undesirable behaviors, surrounds themselves by

people who are doing likewise and when confronted about said behavior cries 'but everybody is

doing it!' While it's true that the person is surrounded by others who are participating in thebehavior, it is also true that person sought out this group or chooses to remain a part of it.

That said, not all of my friends are fat. In fact, most of them aren't. Just as I was never

inspired by my thin, fit friends to follow suit over the years, I didn't need my fat friends to hold the fork for me so that I could get to my highest weight of 262. Nobody made me fat. I

can't even blame on genes or bone structure, as I come from a family of petite women. I never

required anyone to cosign on my behavior.