How to deal with fat friends

[built2livenotexist 119]

I have only told one of my friends out of several dozen that all move in the same social community where I live. It's been difficult for me to keep such a huge life event from my two besties who are also both morbidly obese. As much as I love my girls, one of them in particular has a huge mouth and I am not interested in our whole social circle knowing about my sleeve. I am not asking for tips on lying here, but people are beginning to comment on my weight loss and of course all have noticed that my eating habits/lifestyle has changed. My question is how have you all dealt with the change in dynamic among those with whom you are close? My gfs and I used to all congregate at my house for some food themed hang out and I also throw a couple of parties a year for various occasions which typically revolves around food as well. It's hard because, I'm part of a trio which bonded with and around food and also these lovely women and I have a truly intimate relationship where we really understand each other especially as it relates to weight/obesity and all that goes with it. Part of me feels like I'm leaving them behind. I read the Emotional First Aid Kit so I've been careful not to dominate conversations with tales about my weight loss journey but I could really use some experience here.

[Recycled 2,182]

It's been my experience they are not gonna fit your new lifestyle. So unless they become interested in learning how you are acheiving your weight loss success.....and decide to make their own changes, your're going to have to look to new circles of friends. Not to say you abandon your besties. You just need to have people around you that empower you to maintain your new lifestyle.

[Rogofulm 2,440]

I'm no psychologist so this is purely my point of view, but I'm afraid this has the potential to get tricky for you. Your weight loss is likely to be so extreme that eventually you'll end up "confessing" that you had surgery, if only to explain how it's possible for you to do what seems to be impossible. I mean, our quick weight loss looks like magic! I just wonder if the longer you wait, the more negative their reaction might be to the fact that you kept it a secret from them, especially since they face the same challenges that you used to have. Will they feel blindsided? I mean, if your relationship is really that intimate, why didn't you confide in them about your surgery? I also wonder, since your friendship seems to have always revolved around food, about the long-term health of your relationship with them. Think about someone who gives up drinking... The best way to be successful is to quit hanging out with your drinking buddies. And conversely, the quickest road back to the slippery slope is to continue hanging out with them. So you have two potential issues: 1) your success might feel threatening to them and their lifestyle, and 2) their continued unhealthy relationship with food might be detrimental to the success of your program. With all that in mind, you may want to think about telling them sooner rather than later. (I'm sure others will disagree with me on this.) You've made a huge change for the better! Congratulations on that!!! I would just caution you about putting yourself in situations that might lead to less-than-optimal choices and results. Sorry to be a downer, but I truly wish you all the success in the world! Keep us posted, and good luck!!!!!

[SherB 220]

My personal opinion is to tell your friends, it isn't fair for people you love that are obese to watch you lose weight so quickly and not realize you had surgery. People then wonder, "why the heck can't I do that?". That is why I will tell any of my overweight friends the truth and the not so overweight ones that ask. What does it really hurt to be honest? Who knows, they may decide to join up and get surgery too! That being said, you have to do what is right for you.

[Angel720 47]

When only one person changes in a close relationship it is always hard. What bonded you doesn't and what you shared you do not. I am going through something similar and have come to the conclusion that I am changing for the better and IF they change great if not there is nothing I can do. Do it with compassion and love, there will be hurt feelings and you might need to move on.

Good luck!

[built2livenotexist 119]

@Rogofulm... maybe you should be a psychologist:) I'm not worried about a negative reaction, but my privacy. There are a few things/conversations I don't have with others which includes my sex life, religion, politics (particularly around social issues) and my health. But let's say I were going to share my truth. .. any thoughts on how to best approach?

[roundisashape 712]

Not telling them might wind up driving a bigger wedge than the weight loss.

I don't know the intricacies of your relationship with your friends, but I can relate a personal experience. One of my oldest friends had surgery many years ago, and it DID cause some strife in our friendship. I was proud of her, and admired her success - honestly, I even understood that she needed to bring new friends into her life who could do the things she wanted to do.

What I DIDN'T understand was why she couldn't remember what it was like to weigh 400 pounds and not be able to do things. Why she got upset or frustrated with me when I wouldn't do something with her because I couldn't keep up / walk that hill / fit / come in under the weight limit / afford the outfit, etc. Why we'd go places and start out walking together, then she'd start outpacing me and get pissy when I fell behind and she had to stop for me to catch up. Why she couldn't understand when I'd get upset when she insisted on sitting in the center row at the movie theater, right between people, forcing me to sit sideways on one cheek to avoid spilling onto the people next to us.

You can't control their reactions to your success, but if you want to do your part to maintain your relationship with them, just don't forget where you came from - respect where they are and what they can do, and that it's okay that they aren't in the same place that you are.

And congratulations - it looks like you're doing a great job so far

[onmywaytoonederland 236]

I have a co-worker who had the surgery a few years back. I remember when she began losing, I asked her what she was doing, as it was working so well. She looked fabulous and healthy. I was on weight watchers and struggling to lose 1/2 a pound and she was dropping tons. She replied just diet and exercise, low fat, high Protein. It was the truth. Shortly after I heard through the grapevine that she had the sleeve. I don't know, I was kinda hurt that she omitted the fact. I mean, she owed me no explanation, and I understand that. The problem, in my head, was that here I was desperate to get this weight off, and I mean desperate. I even ordered lizard spit from China and injected that into my body. I tried HCG, weight watchers, Jenny, Nutri-system, phentermine, topiramate and every other trick in the book. I was desperate. I wish she would have told me about the surgery. I wish she would have had the confidence to school me in her new way of life. We are all different and have different privacy issues, but I will tell anyone who asks. I have felt like a failure in this weight loss thing and if I can help anyone overcome that feeling, then darn it, I am going to. It is awful to sit and think, why can everyone else do it and I can not? What is wrong with me?? I cannot wait till my surgery date.....I'll be the one shouting from the rooftops!

[BlondeBanshee 91]

First, trust your instincts! If you are concerned about everyone finding out keep it to yourself! I choose not to tell anyone that I either knew would have a negative attitude or was a jabber jaws! It is such a personal journey and it is uncomfortable to be judged no matter what you do! I was so judgmental about people that had surgery! Then I changed the way I viewed my weight. Instead of berating myself for being such a failure at losing my weight I realized that it had turned into a disease for me. I was sick and only getting worse. I was addicted to sugar and simple carbs and had no control. Then I learned about the sleeve, that was something that made sense for me and offered me a tool that I thought I could utilize. It is working and it is a miracle! You may find that you become less sensitive about people finding out, let yourself evolve with your sleeve, don't feel like you have to do anything! When and if your ready you'll share. Right now you need to stay in your healing! You need to worry about you and learning how to take care of you! Now is a time to be selfish in that this transformation is going to affect all aspects of your life! Be prepared, you may lose friends or the relationships change, you are going to be different. My husband says I exude confidence now, and I am starting to feel it!

[JanetPRN 496]

I struggled with this question pre-op, not because of privacy concerns , but because I didn't want to debate or defend my decision to have surgery. ( weight was 230 and bmi of. 37) .

Post op , I explained to those who asked that I had sleeve surgery. I would rather people have the truth from me. The truth shuts down gossip pretty quickly. I am a nurse working in a large medical center and I will say that because of my candor, people (coworkers I barely know !) seek me out for advice , support and ask all kinds of questions. I feel blessed to be able to be help out.

[Rogofulm 2,440]

@Rogofulm... maybe you should be a psychologist:) I'm not worried about a negative reaction, but my privacy. There are a few things/conversations I don't have with others which includes my sex life, religion, politics (particularly around social issues) and my health. But let's say I were going to share my truth. .. any thoughts on how to best approach?

Again, remembering that I'm no shrink....

I can't speak to your privacy issues – I'm pretty much an "open book" kind of guy. That being said, here are my thoughts on how to approach sharing your story if you decide to do so....

I don't know if your group has discussed the surgery solution or not. Are they even aware of that option? Let's assume that the subject has never seriously come up, because otherwise they would already suspect that's what you've done. If you decide to open up about your surgery, you may want to tell them together. That way they can get their initial reactions out immediately, and right in front of you. If you tell them separately, the first thing they'll do is call each other and have a conversation about you, which could spiral into negativity. The more information they have before they talk to each other about you, the better!

I think I'd invite them over for coffee, tea, a game, or something, and when everyone was relaxed (not with booze), I'd start with something like, "I know you guys have probably wondered how I'm losing weight so quickly." Then explain how miserable you were at your former weight. And then, "Well I have a confession to make...." (They may start to figure it out now.) You might couch your reluctance to share the news with them as being embarrassed about having the surgery. (That doesn't have to be true, it's just diplomatic.) Explain that you have since learned, through a bariatric forum and support group meetings, that there's no reason to be ashamed. That it's a wonderful tool that has been proven to be very effective at helping people lose weight and keep it off. And that you wish you had had the nerve to tell them sooner. You might also tell them that you'll never push it on them, but that if they have any questions, you'll be happy to answer them as best you can. And that you sincerely hope that you can continue to be close, but that your eating habits need to completely change now. That doesn't mean you can't hang out, just that you'll be making different food choices than you would have made before. And promise not to judge anyone else's food choices! I think the longer you can keep the conversation going, and the more questions they ask, the better the chance that they'll end up being supportive of your decision. I have found that many people are fascinated by the topic! If they're really interested, sometimes I describe the 3 types of surgery, and even draw simple diagrams about how they work. Your friends may or may not want that much detail. It all depends on how threatened they feel by the subject. But you know them best, so you'll sense how they're reacting. And finally, if you want to, you can say, "You know I'm kind of freaky about privacy stuff, so I'd really appreciate it if you could keep this to yourselves. I wanted you two to know, but I really don't want to share it with the rest of the world."

Whew! Okay, so that's how I would tackle your situation. Personally, I've opted to share my decision with anyone who asks how I'm doing it. "Clean living, diet, exercise [pause].... and bariatric surgery." (It usually get a laugh!)

Again, good luck! I hope you are able to maintain the friendships, but it's even more important that you succeed in your weight loss journey!!!

[Camarolegend 185]

I've been very transparent about it. I'm hiding nothing. It's amazing the number of people that are making the same decision I did based on my experience with the sleeve. I believe if I tried to not be transparent it would be a lie of omission. I'm not ashamed...don't be. I'm picking up you may have a little guilt not being up front. In the end it's your decision. I find honesty is the best policy!

[jenbaby75 283]

I am also struggling with who I will tell. I will likely have the sleeve in Jan. I have told my parents, my husband, and 3 of my best friends, 1 of which is obese. Everyone seems supportive now. I am a little worried about how all the changes will affect my friendships, but at the same time, if the people that love me, cannot support me, and be happy for me, then they weren't really in my corner at all. If I am only good to them when I am down, then what kind of people are they? At this point, I feel like I will tell most of my nearest and dearest, the rest, well, diet and exercise.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Once you tell you cannot untell. I told five people in the beginning. Later as I got more confidence I told a few more close friends and coworkers. I did not tell the toxic gossipmongers in my life but they probably were told by a relative already anyway. Do what feels right. I'm the fat one in my circle of besties so I didn't have that issue. I actually now am able to do more things with my friends rather than less. This is a highly personal decision and don't be swayed by guilt. Good luck.

[tamg26k 479]

I completely agree with @BlondeBanshee. You should trust your instincts. You know your friends better than anyone.

In my case, I told my family and 4 of my really close friends. At social gatherings if someone asked I told them I had weight loss surgery. I also stress, more than the surgery, I made a complete 180 as far as eating habits. The surgery is a tool, none of us would be successful without putting in the work. This is what I stress and I steer all conversations towards this. My friends have been really supportive. Most are really trying to follow in my path, minus having surgery. If people ask I want to be upfront with them but I don't broadcast the fact I had surgery.

Best of luck!