female only Odd Woman Out At Work

[Comfy_Blue 285]

This is a combination vent/rant/cry for help.

I thought after I lost weight it would give me more confidence, but I'm still the same old me, just smaller. Right now I'm really struggling because I feel like an outcast at work, which feels so stupid because I'm the team leader. While I'm not a boss, I am responsible for making sure my team is running smoothly, I hold weekly meetings, act as a liaison between the administration and my teammates and if there's any issue with our team, I'm held partially accountable.

Anyway, when I started here five years ago, I worked with a team of women I really liked. We weren't best friends, but we worked well together, chatted and laughed between classes, supported one another, stuck together, shared resources, kept each other in the loop, etc. All of those women have since transferred to new schools.

My new team (2 completely new teachers and 2 teachers who transferred to my team from different grade levels) and I just aren't clicking.

In the beginning, I tried to set the tone that we're in this together. I got everyone together for a meet and greet before school started, then I helped the two new teachers set up their room, tried to be friendly, answered questions, went out of my way to help. And they accepted all my time/resources.

But they all click well with each other. When we're together, they laugh, joke and make small talk together and mostly ignore me. If they want something (ie: to bounce ideas off each me, to complain about a policy/procedure, to ask a school related question) then they'll come to me. When I'm running our weekly grade level meeting, I sometimes get phone calls. I'll step away to take them, then when I return to the table, they'll keep chatting about random stuff, or sometimes school related stuff like I'm not there until I loudly interrupt them.

We're all around the same age, but we're a different race, so that may have something to do with it. A lot of the stuff they talk about (ie: hiking, going to baseball games, camping, happy hours, etc) I can't relate to. They also reference things that I can't really comment on from previous conversations they've had with each other.

I used to try and make small talk, but most of what I say seems to fall flat. When I'm one on one with two of them, the conversation flows a little. But in a group, or with the other two, it feels like I'm wallpaper or they'll answer my question with brief statements.

I've pretty much given up on trying to fit in. At recess when they're all clumped together talking, I focus on supervising the kids. When they come in the break room, I'll smile and say hi and occasionally make small talk, but not a ton. After our weekly meetings, they'll try to keep sitting in my room chattering to each other, so I'll start packing up my stuff and get my keys. When it's lunch time and two of them are eating together, and the other two ride out to grab a sandwich, I do feel a little left out, but I try to shrug it off and spend that time catching up on stuff. It's still hard and lonely.

I really want to go to a new school.

[finediva 979]

Have you considered putting in for a transfer and just getting a new start? It maybe for the best. You sound unhappy with not much recourse there. Sometines we just have to get a fresh start. All the best.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

It sounds like the cool kids are ignoring you. Like in high school..lol. Look, are you still in contact with the former girls who you were comfortable with? If you are develop those friendships and just do your job. Things change in a snap and some people just don't want to be friends. They could be transferred soon as well. If you like what you do then do it and work to build relationships with new people . There are millions of people out there looking for a good person for friendship.

It is not the race card. That is so over used. It is they look at you as their superior and that they cannot cross that line.

So be it. They are happy where they are. Now you on the other hand are not. A transfer might be the answer but then you may find your self in a worse place.

You sound like a really caring, nice person. I would be your friend if I was there. For sure!

[Katcloudshepherd 630]

Comfy_Blue,

I couldn't agree more with RJ'S/beginning. Since I've lost weight, the people I see every day at the six story office building I work at treat me so much better. One person however seems to have taken an extreme dislike to me. Don't know why and fortunately, I don't work with her so I could give a rat's pattotie how she feels about me.

I think like RJ said, they do see you as a superior and they are subordinates and don't want to cross any lines which would bring distress.

I hope you find a happy resolution to your dilemma.

Blessings,

Kathleen

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

It does sound like they see you as the "boss" (which you are in a way). It goes with the territory. Keep things cordial on your end. You really can't force the relationships to be more like friends if it's not there.

Consider looking for friends outside your immediate work group (or away from work altogether).

Best of luck.

[bikrchk 1,313]

I feel your pain. No women friends at work. It hurts sometimes. I'm not part of the "clique" because I'm not a mother, and there's probably a fair amount of jealousy over my weight loss. So work, is work, I'm only there 8 hours per day! My social life is a different story! Lots of dates, I've met a guy I kind of like enough to maybe consider dating just him for a while, and my small circle of girlfriends has remained my rock through the my procedure and weight loss.

[CowgirlJane 14,260]

Well I understand your feelings. I do think that learning to be comfortable in your own skin is hugely important post weight loss. What if you used this as an opportunity to learn that lesson and practice daily? Make lemonade our of that lemon situation.

[Comfy_Blue 285]

Aw, you guys are awesome. Thank you for the support and advice. I've always felt uncomfortable in my skin, from the time I was a sz 6 in high school, to a sz 10 in college, to a sz 20/22 for most of my post-college career and now at the smallest I've ever been which is a sz 3/4.

However, I do plan to transfer to another position because in addition to not meshing well with my team, there are some things I really don't like about the administration at my school. I think I was able to deal with the administration better when I had the support of my team. It's kind of like being a kid with really strict parents and going from having siblings to help you get through to being an only child.