Painfully Alone in This

[Twirpo75 50]

I posted a topic before about the struggles I have faced with my family on this journey. Brief history for those who didn't see it. My family all supported my decision to get sleeved. Until both my parents came to stay with me when I had the surgery. They were going to help with my 12 yr old son. My Mom spent a massive amount of time bringing unhealthy food into the house while claiming it was for my son. Who, by the way, is not heavy. Totally healthy BMI and an AMAZING Quarterback for his middle school. Anyhow my Mom and I butted heads several times and they finally just packed up and left 2 days after I got home from the hospital. It pretty much destroyed our relationship. So I've felt alone for awhile. But today I stopped to grab the mail on my way to work and she had sent a Halloween card to my son and I and in it were 6 Oreo ice cream sandwich vouchers. Am I crazy or has she lost her mind? I honestly feel like she is trying to sabotage this process. When she left she left so much crap food in my house. And now this. It feels like a slap to the face. But I don't know if I am just being emotional from all this.

[Eclectick 129]

Perhaps the card was for you and the Oreo Cookie Ice Cream Vouchers were for your son....keep in mind, this is your journey..not your moms or your son's. I agree that it appears she is being a bit over the top..but perhaps your taking her spoiling your son a bit too much. First question you need to ask...has she always spoiled your son with these gifts? If not, then you absolutely correct in feeling the way you do...but if she has always spoiled him..then this is your cross to bare...she may not know the effects or emotions WLS participants go through and if she is not willing to educate or listen to them...you can't change that. You can only change you...you can't change other people.

Don't ruin your relationship with your mother because she doesn't understand what YOUR going through, nor do you understand why she is doing what she is doing...but is this all worth NOT having your mom in your life? You have asked her to stop, and perhaps when the two of you butt heads..it could of been something one of you said, or the way you said it that forced her to pack and go.

She may of left all these goodies in your house for your son...it is up to you..to overlook it...and be strong enough to say..."go ahead, put a piece of chocolate cake in my face, I am working on a healthier lifestyle and I CAN say NO"

So, the moral of my rambling is...."Just say NO" and keep the relationship with your mom, so that your son can have one with his granny, otherwise you are or could remove her from his life if the two of your can't be mature adults and basically ...get over it. This is your journey, not hers...so no matter what she does...keep saying that to yourself..this is YOUR journey..and if she doesn't want to be a part of it...so be it...you can't force her!!

Done rambling..sorry!!

[ochiatl 24]

You need to talk to your mom and tell her how you feel. Remind her that although your son is healthy and active, you don't want to have him start bad habits and face the struggles that you have. She will either hear you or not, but at least you tried. Remember your success will be the best way to show them. BTW, you're not alone...you have your son!

[Twirpo75 50]

So I think she has always in a way spoiled the grandkids with food. Part of the talking her and I did while she was here was me explaining to her that I don't mind my son having treats once in awhile. He's still a kid. But I don't want him developing bad habits like I did. And I swear to you, he could choose fresh strawberries over Peanut Butter cups ANYDAY. But she tries very hard to almost force him to eat food he doesn't like. Junk food. And she knows he doesn't eat Oreo ice cream. So the vouchers really were pointless. And only good until Halloween. I'm going to give them to him tonight and offer to get him one. But I know he won't eat it. So maybe he can hand them out to friends at school who will eat them. I don't want my son to be 4th generation chunky butt. That terrifies me. And I've tried to do right by him.

I do try to remember this is my journey. And I think it would be like me trying to understand what it's like for someone put on dialysis. Something life altering like that. When my niece was on Dialysis we all had to learn her new ways of doing things. But I never, never lost my compassion towards her. And I feel that my mom has lost hers. It's hard to explain but my mom is a very spoiled person who is used to getting what she wants. And if it interfers with someone elses life, she doesn't care. Her famous line is "It's fine. It's fine.". Which others have taken as disrespectful in the past. But she pays no attention to that either. She's very spoiled and very self absorbed. I think that's part of what bothers me the most. I feel like she COULD have some compassion. But that would take effort on her part. And it's easier to just buy people with treats. Maybe the fact that she feels she can't buy my love with treats anymore is what is making her so hostile. I honestly don't know. When we butted heads and she left it was because we had argued and when I tried to apologize and talk through it she just blew up and yelled "I can't take this! We're leaving!". It was weird. And horrible. It's all very confusing.

And you're right about not being alone because I have my son. He is the greatest piece of my life. I have my fiance too, but we don't live together (and won't until we are married this winter) so he doesn't see the everyday craziness that this can all be. He sees enough and I tell him everything. But it's different to live it day to day. My son has been my biggest cheerleader in all this. That kid man... he's the best!! But he is only 12 and I try not to put too much on those shoulders. So I try to limit it there. It's just a lonely process for me so far.

[SherB 220]

Don't let this ruin your relationship with your mom. You only have one mom, for good and not so good some days. As someone who lost my father via murder, you never know how much time you have. She may not "get" how you feel but if she loves you and your son that is all that matters. Best of luck to you in your journey.

[Eclectick 129]

Well like I you said, she is very spoiled and self absorbed in herself rather than you, instead of telling us how she is..concentrate on who you are ..and focus on what you will become....if you keep going on the notion that she is not compassionate enough for your taste then you will miss all the good stuff.and eventually what she likes and dislikes or what she wants or doesn't want will soon dictate your life and if you allow it...it will soon put you back to where you were before WLS and I feel that is not what you want.

You can only tell her how you feel, what you would prefer she do or not do...but weather she does it or not..is irrelivant ...you dictate your own life...but with that being said...just try your best to except your mom for who she is..and leave it at that. It would certainly save you some heart ache in the long run..and keeps your relationship with your mom together.

[Jrs_lovely1 12]

I think that your mom may just be doing what she knows to do. You are the one who has retrained yourself regarding your food habits.

I don't know if you have straight out told her what food choices need to be in your house and if she was going to assist in that area then these are foods/off limit foods that need to be selected.

Hopefully no mother would try to purposely sabatoge their child. Perhaps she really is just doing what she knows to do in her way wi really thinking about the overall life change that you are making.

[DizzyLib 45]

Not sure but one question...is your mother a big lady? If so, I think her motivation comes from a deepseated fear of being left behind - the only way she can feel comfortable and "superior" is for you also to be overweight and your son too. I think talking to your Counsellor is the best start. It is going to take alot of courage to change as you continue to lose the weight and you need the support. People are scared stiff you are not going to be "that person" anymore, that's why they continue to sabotage your life.

Edited October 23, 2014 by DizzyLizzie

[JCP 619]

So sorry to hear this. Some people just really do not understand. Just my opinion, but I think you should just let it go. You are in charge of your eating habits and are making healthy changes. It seems you have helped your son to make healthy choices as well. If your mom shows up again with junk food, put it away and then drop it off at a food bank. If they come for dinner, cook healthy food. If you go there, take a healthy salad and side dish. Or meet them at a restaurant where you can have Soup and fruit! I could never change my dad. He is gone now. For your peace of mind and for your son, try to find a way.

[happymama2014 206]

I totally understand where you're coming from. My mom picks my son up from school every day and almost daily when I come home there's more crap food in my house and junk food. My sons been having a bad reaction when he eats sugar so he's only supposed to have a treat after his homework and he supposed to have a healthy snack when he gets home first before his homework. I even told him that on the ride home from school when he called me but when I get home I find out that in the car on the way home he had five pieces of candy. I know she heard me tell him no sweets until homework done. Then in the evening when I'm getting lunch is ready always find candy bars and Cookies and cakes. No matter what I say almost weekly I end up with container here with some kind a baked good that she's made. It's a losing battle. When people are helping with your kids it's hard to put your foot down:(

[georgiare 63]

I see a lot of people saying not to let this impact your relationship with your mom, but maybe letting that relationship fall to the way side might help you feel stronger. You say that you don't want your son to be a 4th generation heavy kid, and it doesn't seem that your mom understands that. I mean really, you are not alone, you have supports, and you have these forums and I'm sure everyone here would agree that we like you and think you made the right decision for you and understand the turmoil and craziness that WLS brings. But additional stress isn't likely to be helpful to you at all. You need to set the boundaries with your mom, tell her no more food stuff, ever, period, for you or your son, and let her know that she needs to find another way to express her affections that won't have such a strong impact on you. I sincerely hope you find the support you need here, and I know family drama is never fun. Maybe a general counselor might also be able to help you sort out how you're feeling, and make a plan for advocating for yourself with your family.

[Twirpo75 50]

I've spent a lot of time thinking about all this. And bouncing it off some of my best friends who know my mom well enough. And I have a few ideas. I do think food is the way that my mom says "I love you" because she never says the words. And I see her pushing it at people that I know she loves. I've started to wonder if the reason she's become so hostile is because she feels like she won't be able to tell me she loves me in her way. That, for me, is so much easier to understand than her doing all this to me on purpose. And yes, she is morbidly obese too. So food is her best friend too. And has been for a very long time. I remember being like 9 and her buying chocolate covered cherries and telling us kids not to tell my dad. It was "Our secret". So it all goes back years.

I've decided not to brush her off or end our relationship. The lucky side of it is that I live 6 hours from all of my immediate family. So it's not something I will have to deal with on a daily basis. I'm grateful for that right now. So I figure I am just going to put some time into me, my son, my fiance, and our future. I do afterall have a VERY tiny wedding to get ready for. By tiny I literally mean me, my son, my fiance, and a friend or two at the courthouse. TINY. But with the ways things are going I'm either going to have to get my dress taken in or a find a new one. That's my victory for today. And that's pretty damn amazing... =)

[shellyd88 463]

Try this thank her for the treats u could say thanks so much for the (insert here) items were more than grandson could use so he generously donated the rest too.....? Whoever whatever friends charity etc I know you will be proud of his thoughtful actions.... Perhaps she may take a hint and cut down on handing out junk we can hope right ?when this happens in our home I often will take excess to shelters etc they accept unopened items that are not expired I don't feel guilty for throwing away or not using stuff it goes to ppl that don't have enough/or any

[abordenster 43]

My husband brought home McDonald's for my son after my surgery. I didn't think it was nice but it didn't smell good anyway. I did explain to him that it wasn't cool. He knew I would be making changes but didn't really understand. I had to request that my environment be crap free while I was healing. We have a lot of work to do after surgery. Whether people understood that doesn't really matter now. But it is nice when people who are your support actually support you. Her choices of food giving are interesting. A bit passive aggressive. It will hurt less as you get stronger.