How I Prepared for Surgery Part 2 - My Mind

[Jonathan Blue 311]

This is the second post in my series on how I prepared for weight loss surgery. The first post covered how I prepared my body for the surgery and offered a few tips to those who may not be able to follow the same course of action that I took. This post will deal specifically with how I mentally prepared for surgery and all the changes I was going to need to make to be sure I was successful.

A lot of other bariatric surgery patients I have spoken with have all said they had an "Aha" moment. No such moment came for me. There was no parting of the clouds. There was no light from heaven. There definitely was no life altering "Aha" moment. My change was gradual. My determination grew gradually, but to tell you where it started, I could not say for sure.

In looking back, the process to begin mentally preparing for surgery started long before I had even contemplated the surgery. The process began, in fact many years before when I was younger and getting made fun of for being a big boy. I can still remember very vividly some children calling me fat on the playground at school. I can remember tearfully running and hiding under a car and not going in when the teacher called everyone in from recess. I can also remember the teacher finding me a getting in trouble. I wasn't even that overweight at that age, I was just taller than all the kids in my class. I can remember countless incidents through the years of being made fun of. I addition to this I can remember the feeling of sitting in a chair at a party and having the chair break because it couldn't hold me. I remember the feeling of shame and embarrassment as everyone laughed at me while I died just a little bit inside; trying to put on a brave face and laugh it off myself. I can also very clearly remember and incident where my mentally ill father told me he wished I wasn't his son and that I had never been born. He then went on to call me fat and useless.

You see, my catalyst to change came about when I finally stopped listening to those people and I started hating putting on the brave face. It came when I stopped listening to the people around me, the voices in my head, the haters, the non-believers, the dream killers, the bullies, and I told them all to shut up! My journey began when I got fed up with the status quo and refused to accept a normal life; when I realized my life could be amazing and it wasn't.

This frustration and anger led me to look for an option that would work and I began exploring the surgical option. It was an option that many people, doctors, friends, family, and even coworkers had recommended that I should look into. Up until then I just hadn't reached that point of frustration mentioned above. The next step in mentally preparing for this journey was knowledge.

The next area of mental preparation since we have spent time remember all the bad things your weight has caused will be to think of all the good that will come from the weight not being there. I started to dream and I dreamed big! I created a list from the simple to the insane of all the things I wanted to do that my weight had held me back from. I wanted to do something as simple as walk down a flight of stairs like a normal person instead of tentatively one at a time. I was always worried I would get hurt or a stair would break. When I accomplished this goal for the first time I sat at the bottom of the stairs and cried for like 10 minutes I was so happy.

I dreamed about the day I could try scuba diving. I thought about how amazing it would be to run, or ride a bike, or climb a mountain. Side note: I haven't climbed any mountains yet, but I will. I dreamed about running my first 5k and finishing my first triathlon. I thought about how it must feel to work so hard and to finally cross that finish line.

I thought about all of these things up to what it would be like to compete and finish an Ironman race. What it must feel like to be running across the finish line as an announcer yelled, "Jonathan Blue, you are and Ironman!" I get chills even as I type this. I spent hours watching past years Ironman races on YouTube at home or on my lunch breaks at work.

I wanted all of these things so bad I could taste them. I began to obsess about them. At this stage in the game that is a great thing because then you don't obsess so much about food. As things got tough and I felt like giving up or giving in I would go back to the list of things I wanted. I would sit back a watch an Ironman race and I would do everything possible to rekindle the spark. Dreaming about the amazing things I would soon be doing really helped when things got rough and kept me motivating as I prepared for my impeding surgery.

When it comes to the surgical options and everything surrounding the process of pre and post op care, knowledge is power. If that was true I wanted to be as powerful as possible. I studied and researched for weeks and weeks. I learned everything I could about the pre-op plan and the how's and why's of everything. I took the time to study all three surgeries to learn which would be the best for me and why so when I spoke with the doctor I already had a plan in place. I went so far as to go on YouTube and watch all three surgeries. I memorized the post op care plan and began testing recipes that I would need to know. I spent time scouring over forums and blogs soaking up every piece of information I could. There wasn't much I didn't know prior to them wheeling me into the operating room. I was fortunate in that I worked for the hospital I was having the procedure done, so I knew the nurses and staff I was interacting with.

All of this information allowed me to accept the aspects of this process that scared me or seemed daunting and those were the areas I spent more time learning about. The more I knew the more comfortable I became. There wasn't much of anything that surprised me with the whole process. There were even points I was asking nurses if a certain procedure was supposed to be next or a specific test and they wouldn't know, but upon check found out that it was next to be scheduled. I knew it all! This allowed a level of comfort, peace, and understanding unlike anything I have ever experienced.

The last major area where I needed to mentally prepare for the surgery was in learning to let go of food. This was probably one of the hardest things I had to do pre surgery. Goodbyes are never easy. Saying goodbye to an addiction is even harder. The silver lining is that once I had surgery, most of my cravings and desires for foods went away for a very long time. That made things a lot easier.

So how did I say goodbye to food you might ask? How else... Eating. You might be thinking I am crazy right now, but what I did was create a food bucket list. This was all of the foods I thought I would miss the most or hadn't tried and really wanted too. The list included some of my favorite fast food restaurants, a nice steakhouse, and many many sweet treats. My surgery was the beginning of November and I knew I would be sitting Thanksgiving out. It's one of my favorite holidays so I was pretty bummed. On my bucket list was Thanksgiving. My entire family was absolutely amazing by getting together a month early and celebrating with me: Turkey, mashed potatoes, and all!

Each and every time I had that meal I treated it like it was my last. I took my time. I ordered whatever I wanted. I savored every bites, trying to imprint every taste and texture in my mind. I even cried a little at times. I let myself experience the full range of emotions. I was grieving and you need to let yourself grieve.

Now here is where I need to make a small note. I was not eating a bucket list meal for every meal. I had one of these meals two to three times a week after I got past my initial qualification stage. I allowed myself these meals with the promise that all other meals would be on point and that I would stay as active as I possibly could be, especially on bucket days. This made me feel better about having these meals and also helped me to maintain the weight loss I had worked so hard for up until that point.

Everything I did above did wonders in prepare me for the actually surgery but it also helped me to survive "Hell Week". This is the one week prior to surgery when you are on a liquid diet to let your stomach empty out and make it easier to work with. There is no cheating on this week or you could seriously hurt yourself. I don't want to sugar coat this for you. You need to understand going in that it will be the most trying week of your life. You will be angry, you will snap at people, and you will generally be a very unpleasant person to be around. The entire week you need to just keep your mind busy and keep telling yourself that its only a week. I kept a countdown on my phone to show me how long I had to hold on. At the end of this hell is surgery. One last big push to the promised land!

So when it comes to preparing your mind for surgery keep in mind that you need to constantly keep a reminder in your head about why you are doing this. You need to be dreaming about all the things you are going to be able to do because of the surgery. Keep in mind the knowledge is power so get as powerful as you can. Finally, you need to let go of food and prepare for hell. This will culminate in a surgery that will absolutely change your life. It will start you on an amazing journey of discovery and adventure as you explore your new body and find out exactly what it is capable of.

If you have any questions about my process please post them in the comments below and I will try to answer each one as I get them.

[Riz2006 242]

Wonderfully wrote! Totally saving this so when I'm in my "hell week" I can re read this to get me through!

[Nancy E. 44]

Another great post, Johnathan Blue! I see my surgeon next week and then will begin my Hell Week except mine is two weeks. How does anyone survive 2 weeks of liquid Hell??? Not looking forward to that, but I am determined to make it through, knowing that I am trading 2 weeks of hell for a lifetime of health. My surgery is November 12. Can't wait for that day to be over! Thanks for sharing, Johnathan Blue!

[Jonathan Blue 311]

Nancy,

Stay stong. I know it is rough, but as you know it will be worth it. I would highly recommend keeping a list of all the reasons you are doing this and all the amazing things you will be try to do post surgery on you at all times. That way when things get super rough you can take some time and read them to remind yourself it will be worth it. Another thing is to keep yourself busy, even if it is as simple as going to the mall or a bookstore. Just try to do things otu and about and avoid food places. The other thing I did was immerse myself in television, particularly shows of people doing all of the things I wanted to do. I recall during my week before surgery I watched every Ironman World Championship race in the last 12 years and most of them I watched more than once. It is just flooding your mind with the constant reminders of why your putting yourself through this and how amazing it will be in just a few short weeks.

If I don't speak with you again good luck on your surgery and welcome to the rest of your amazing life. I can't wait to see how you are in a year. If you need any help, encouragement, or advice at any time please email me or contact me through the links below. If you need it, I will email you my phone number if you need to text or chat with someone. I want to see you succeed because I know how amazing life after surgery is.

[Nancy E. 44]

Once again, Jonathan, you have great advice! I know in my head why I am doing this, but putting it on paper is a great idea. I imagine when we are really feeling down in the dumps, we are not going to be thinking of all the positive "whys". So, having it in writing and just pulling that piece of paper out at the right times would be very benificial!

[395Ron 396]

"I would highly recommend keeping a list of all the reasons you are doing this and all the amazing things you will be try to do post surgery on you at all times. That way when things get super rough you can take some time and read them to remind yourself it will be worth it"

I guess I better get to writing then. I was told I will be doing 4 weeks of liquid diet just prior to surgery yummy. I am just beginning my journey. I started my 90 day medically supervised weight loss program 10 October and probably won't have my surgery until the end of February.

Thanks for sharing your story Joe and good luck as you continue your journey!

Edited October 23, 2014 by 395Ron

[TimeToChange1621 5]

I have to say, I love reading your posts. You are a beautiful writer and what you have to say, I can relate to so well. You have great advice and I will definitely be re-reading these posts as my surgery date gets closer. I have a food addiction and I have been saying my "goodbyes" recently, because the time will come very soon that I will have to buckle down and get serious. (Seminar and support group this Friday) I had mentioned it in another post, but it's really sad that the one thing that makes me so miserable, I have a hard time letting go of. I guess that's why they call it an addiction. I am ready though. To put this me to rest and get to know the better healthier me. I am so excited to meet her!

Thank you for your words.

[happyfun2014 12]

Jonathan,

Thank you for such wonderful advice.

I am scheduled for rny dec 3 and had to start a 4 week liquid diet last week.

I have waited a long time for this and jumped through many hoops to get to this point so I have been sticking strictly to the pre-op diet and have not cheated once. Results were an 8 lb weight loss in first week.

I am happy with that weight loss but I'm starting to feel down/depressed bc I think I will miss food but not only miss food but the social aspects that surround food. I hear it is normal up maybe get depressed AFTER surgery and mourn food-but did you feel like this sometimes before surgery? Or like when you knew you were eating your last "whatever " food that was a favorite? I'm getting down thinking I'll miss food now that I'm in the point of no return if I'm going to start this journey. Well, I really started the journey the day I started this liquid and have to face the fact I no longer can eat those comfort foods. I'm just sad but want the surgery so bad that I'm just trying to tell myself I hate food. I'm just so confused . Did anyone else feel this way?? Help!

[TimeToChange1621 5]

Jonathan,

Thank you for such wonderful advice.

I am scheduled for rny dec 3 and had to start a 4 week liquid diet last week.

I have waited a long time for this and jumped through many hoops to get to this point so I have been sticking strictly to the pre-op diet and have not cheated once. Results were an 8 lb weight loss in first week.

I am happy with that weight loss but I'm starting to feel down/depressed bc I think I will miss food but not only miss food but the social aspects that surround food. I hear it is normal up maybe get depressed AFTER surgery and mourn food-but did you feel like this sometimes before surgery? Or like when you knew you were eating your last "whatever " food that was a favorite? I'm getting down thinking I'll miss food now that I'm in the point of no return if I'm going to start this journey. Well, I really started the journey the day I started this liquid and have to face the fact I no longer can eat those comfort foods. I'm just sad but want the surgery so bad that I'm just trying to tell myself I hate food. I'm just so confused . Did anyone else feel this way?? Help!

I know exactly what you mean because I am experiencing the same thing and I haven't even really "officially" started the process yet. Food has always been a huge part of my life. It's what I've turned to for comfort when I'm sad, angry, depressed, and happy! The freedom I have in food right now is what I'm holding onto and it's hard for me to let go of it even though I want to so badly. I want to be healthy and I don't want food to have this control over me anymore! The very fact that I feel this way is proof enough that things desperately need to change! I cannot and will not live my life like this anymore. Just know you are not alone!

[Jonathan Blue 311]

Saying goodbye is difficult. It is one of the hardest parts of this process. That is why I say to take the time to have those last meals. Savor each taste and each bite. Say your goodbyes and cry a little. Mourn the loss. You will definitely go through a process of grieving. I did. Then pick yourself up and move on to the next item on the list. Something that really helped me out was every time I was done crying or grieving or towards then end I would watch someone doing something that was a goal of mine after surgery. So I would watch a youtube of a triathlon or I would do something physical like go for a walk or a swim until I was completely done crying. That way you begin replacing the old high with a new one.

It will not be an easy process and it really sucks going through it. I know! Savor each moment, each tear, and remember the hold that food had on you. How much it ruled your life. Keep that inside because that will help you remember why you never want to go back.

The other thing that helps is time. I used to love and crave pop. I am now pop free for over a year and I never even think about it. Right away it was about all I could think about. As with any loss the further away it gets the less it hurts. Also, it helps that the surgery will make it so you really can't enjoy any of that stuff like you used to. I promise those things will taste entirely different to you after surgery. There will probably even be a point where you loath having to think about food it all. It is amazing!

You will both get there. Just stay strong. You have support and friends here. If there is ever anything I can do for you please let me know.

[happyfun2014 12]

Great advice! Thank you! It's good to know that my feelings are normal and that it will take time. Thank you!!