To Spank or not to Spank

[anonemouse 1]

What is the message, then? That you're bigger and stronger and if they get any more out of line you could beat them up?

I've been musing over this for a while, over the outrage that I suggested that discipline is meant to inflict pain. All discipline, whether it's removing dessert or tv privileges or requiring the child to clean the garage or spanking the child, is meant for discomfort and pain -- otherwise it wouldn't be effective. We could not punish our children by telling them if they don't change their behavior we'll remove the brussel sprouts from their plate (unless, of course, they love brussel sprouts). Punishment is meant, through the discomfort of the punishment, to encourage the child to not do whatever he is doing, now or in the future. If someone is spanking their children simply to demonstrate that he "means business" or "is serious", then in essence the spanking is simply the "last resort" in a line of failed alternate discipline methods. I wonder what comes next if the "light tap" on the bottom, which is of course never meant to inflict pain, fails? Does the infliction of a painful spanking come next? Is it then OK? What does a child learn when a parent goes through a litany of punishments to finally arrive at a spanking?

I should clarify again that spankings are not a regular occurrence in our family. Our 9yo gets spanked once or maybe twice A YEAR. Our 6yo perhaps once or twice a month, and that's dwindling. However, they both know that there are certain behaviors that will earn a spanking, and they therefore know to avoid those behaviors.

But Gadgetlady, that's true of your method, also. You've never had to go more extreme, but neither have the others who spank without the intent of pain. What would YOU do if your children disregarded your "spanking?" Is YOUR message that you are bigger and stronger and if they get out of line, that you'll do worse with your "spanker?"

[gadgetlady 4]

No, because of the pain that is intended and inflicted, they do not push farther. They know and understand the pain. I'm asking what the goal of spanking without pain is? Is it that a spank WITH pain might be in the future?

[anonemouse 1]

No, because of the pain that is intended and inflicted, they do not push farther. They know and understand the pain. I'm asking what the goal of spanking without pain is? Is it that a spank WITH pain might be in the future?

Well, for other parents, their children don't push farther, either. Their children know and understand the method that they use. And they've been able to achieve that without inflicting pain. But you still haven't answered my question. Your children could just as easily disregard your "one or two stinging blows" and do whatever they wanted to. What would you do then, since it would be obvious that they weren't responding to the "spanker?" Would you beat them up, leave them with welts and bruises, since "stinging" wasn't doing any good? You may get mad at that question, but it is sincere. At least the other parents have another level that they can go to, if need be. You don't. There isn't any higher level that you can go to without becoming a child abuser.

[FunnyDuddies 6]

We are a spanking family, and use it as a learning tool as well as a disciplinary tool.

As a learning tool, we spank, on first offense, for something that will hurt or cause serious damage to the kids. If they run out into the street, or hurt one another or another person around them. the moment we see it happen we pull them out of the situation, and spank. then we explain the situation and why they got spanked, and that if we ever catch them doing it again they will get the same punishment.

As a disciplinary action, we usually escalate in punishment. the first time they do something wrong we tell them what they are doing is wrong, and that they need to stop. No need for punishment at that point. it might be that they do not know that what they are doing is wrong. But we tell them straight forward that if the activity or action continues the next thing they get is a time out. If they continue to do it, they are put in time out for 5 to 10 minutes. Third offense is a spanking. they are being spanked for the offense, as well as for not listening and following the rules.

Our kids are 4 and 5, and they are constantly being praised for being the most well behaved kids people have ever seen. We just spent the weekend at Disney, and some really funny things happened there.

Andy, our 4 year old, has a mohawk. He loves it, and we do it for the summer to keep him cool. He gets a lot of girlie attention which he just adores. hehehe while we were at disney most people saw it and would comment on how cute it was. He was polite, and would respond with a "thank you very much ma'am/sir" to which people would be shocked. but we would catch families pointing and whispering and claiming that it was "child abuse" that we "force our son to wear his hair like that". This was coming from the parents of kids who were running all over, being extremely loud, bothering others, climbing railings and generally doing things they were not supposed to.

What most don't get is that Andy begs us for this hair cut. He just loves it. and he gets it as a priviledge for being really good. When he does something bad, one of his punishments is to have the mohawk shaved off. We are not abusing our kids by having the ahir cut, and those parents who complain about the actions of the parents of a 4 year old should be paying more attention to the actions of their litle hellians. More than likely they will find their parenting skills lacking in other ways. We are all individual in the way we raise our children.

One thing i do have to say as an absolute though....if you do not have children, you should not be in a discussion about the proper discipline of another's child. I am not speaking of abuse, but just pure and simple discipline. I really don't care if you have watched kids, or taken care of some at one point. Until you have taken a child from infancy to toddler to teens you really don't have a single clue of what really works and what really needs to be done. Being a parent means you need to figure out what works with your family. I would NEVER tell someone else how to discipline their kid. Because i do not own their kid. I own my own, and I know what works for them. It is NO ONE's place to tell another parent how they should be disciplining their children. When I am out and about I may form opinions, but it would be completely wrong of me to bring that opinion to that parent.

[Hazelbunny 0]

Andy, our 4 year old, has a mohawk. He loves it, and we do it for the summer to keep him cool. .

Our 7 year old son has worn a mohawk for the last two summers. We also use it as a reward - if he gets the principals discipline award (no N's in conduct all year in any subject) then he can get a mohawk on the last day of school and keep it all summer.

We also get the snarky remarks from other parents (whose little hellions are generally hanging from the ceilings). I think it is funny really - the incongruity between the headbanger haircut and the polite little boy that says yes maam and no maam.

gadgetlady - I have never had to step it up - my kids have always responded to the tap. And when I say I mean "business" it is not a threatening warning or an admission that I have run through ever other method of discipline. It is a wake-up call to my child that he/she has become complacent in their behavior and need to get back on track and behave in the way that they know is expected. They have never pushed the envelope and as my 7 and 9 year old have aged I am able to just tell them "Get back on track" - they no longer need the tap.

[FunnyDuddies 6]

my chilred are like that as well. we rarely get anywhere past the timeout part of the discipline. we had to spank andy the last time because he pushed our shopping cart into someone when throwing a temper tantrum. it was very uncharacteristic of him, but he tested us on wanting a toy in the store. when we told him he needed to apologize to the person he did so, but then turned to me and stuck his tongue out. rob knelt down, explained why he was about to get a spanking, and gave him three good swats to the butt. we apologized to the person he hit with the cart, and asked if they were ok. they said they were fine, and that it was refreshing to see someone take charge of their kid's outburst. it really was weird for him to do it, but he never really went through the terrible twos or the testing phase, so we chalked it up to that. he also lost his mohawk that night. he was very upset over that, and apologized to us later in the evening without request. he asked if we could let it grow back, and we said yes. he has been in line since.

[missy4gordon 0]

My son has asked for a mohawk so many times, and I would love to let him have one. Problem is his hair is soooo white and fine, plus he is pretty fair skinned, I think it would look ridiculous on him. When I see other boys with them, I just think they are the cutest!!!!

[FunnyDuddies 6]

here are my hellions. this is with wendy and peter pan at disney on this last mother's day.

[green 6]

here are my hellions. this is with wendy and peter pan at disney on this last mother's day.

Thanks for posting this picture. You are too cute!

[FunnyDuddies 6]

oh i am not in there. i could only wish to be as pretty as that wendy. (if that is what you meant.)

[MzAngel 0]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MzAngel

When I do spank it's one or two taps on the bottom, not so much to inflict pain, but more to get the message across. Some might say what's the point if they don't feel pain. I'd say that it happens so rarely that even that light tap is enough to convey the message that what they've done is wrong and unacceptable

What is the message, then? That you're bigger and stronger and if they get any more out of line you could beat them up?

If you'd read my post you would of seen what the message is, What they've done is wrong and unacceptable.

Up until now, I've not had to escalate further then the tap/smack on the bottom. My eldest is 9 and my children are extremely well behaved.

I'd also like to add that I wasn't judging you on your methods, I was more upset by this comment

Originally Posted by gadgetlady

Most people here have expressed that they spank the other way -- out of control and in anger -- or that they were spanked in anger. Some think that's OK, and some don't.

As a parent I don't like being told how to raise my kids, and if your method works for you then that's your choice. As long as your spanker dosn't leave marks then I don't neccessarily have a huge problem with it.

[FunnyDuddies 6]

LOL rob's mom used to have this plant called yellow bells. they lined the driveway. when he was in trouble part of his punishment was to walk out and pick his own switch. he said it would sting, but it never drew blood or left a welt. she also used to tell him that if he did something wrong she would spank him in front of god and everybody. But he never felt that it was wrong, and still doesn't. because he knows that he was better off for it.

[MzAngel 0]

FunnyDuddies - I just saw the pic of your kids, they are adorable I love your daughters hair

[FunnyDuddies 6]

thanks. its just like mine. and i am so happy she has it.

[gadgetlady 4]

As a parent I don't like being told how to raise my kids, and if your method works for you then that's your choice. As long as your spanker dosn't leave marks then I don't neccessarily have a huge problem with it.

My apologies for the offense. I wasn't trying to tell anyone how to raise their kids and I didn't intend to single anyone out. I was feeling attacked on many levels. I agree that all of this is a personal choice.