To Spank or not to Spank

[Hazelbunny 0]

Talking can work. It depends on the parent, and the child. Not all un-spanked kids are thugs that will burn your house down, and steal your car.

I agree talking can work and it does work with two of my children. I don't think all unspanked children are thugs - as long as the parents are enforcing the rules. But neither are all spanked children low self-esteem, prone to violence, rocking in a corner from fear kids.

[Chickie 15]

I agree talking can work and it does work with two of my children. I don't think all unspanked children are thugs - as long as the parents are enforcing the rules. But neither are all spanked children low self-esteem, prone to violence, rocking in a corner from fear kids.

Very true.

For the "spankers"; How well does smacking/spanking work when a child gets to be as big as the parent doing the spanking?

Like I said before, my son is as tall and heavy as I am. I am totally not big enough to enforce any sort of physical punishment at this stage. How well would spanking work in this case? I can only imagine trying to spank a boy that is as big and strong as I am.

What about punishing a pre teen or teen? Is spanking still ok when the child is no longer a child, but becoming a young adult?

What happens when spanking no longer works as a punishment?

No snark intended with my questions, I am genuinely curious as to how smacking works as children get older and bigger.

[tanderson 3]

Not all un-spanked kids are thugs that will burn your house down, and steal your car.

Hang on everyone, I said for the most part children have horrific behavior. There is an exception to every rule. Be thankful that you happen to have a child that is one of the exceptions.

Peace Out!

T~:hippie:

[size8beauty 0]

I spanked my kids when they were young, now that they are older (19 & 17) I still hit my 17 yr old when he get mouthy. He of course weighs me by about 80 lbs. But, do believe that discipline to the bottom is necessary when they are old enough to understand why they are getting spanked.

[maudeispam 2]

Spanking doesn't work for every situation. Just as time outs, taking away priviledges etc., doesn't work for every child or situation. Usually the threat of spanking was enough to get my sis and I on the straight path. I can remember my cousins were unruly brats. They would kick and hit and curse other kids and even disrespect adults. (Including their mom.) Their dad on the other hand used the threat of spanking and they were fine and I enjoyed playing with them. But if my uncle was busy and my aunt was just there, then it was all out war. She screamed at them, tried time outs, took away priviledges and everything, except the threat of a spanking or actual spanking. I am not saying I condone violence against anyone, whether it is a child or adult. However; sometimes a light tap on the bottom or the threat of, is enough to get a child in control. Believe me I have dealt with all sorts of good and bad children over the years, who were disciplined by all sorts of methods. Some worked and some didn't.

[anonemouse 1]

I think there is a distinct difference in the behavior of kids when they are just threatened with a punishment and when that punishment is consistent and followed through with. Talking and non-violent punishment DOES work when the parent is consistent with the punishment and the punishment IS applied when threatened. Unruly kids that are prone to talking back and breaking rules isn't a result of their parents failing to paddle them. It's a result of their parents failing to follow through with threatened punishment and their parents not being consistent.

Kids that are paddled at home aren't necessarily going to be well-behaved kids. Good behavior isn't a result of the type of punishment inflicted on a child, in many cases, but rather the consistency of it.

[gadgetlady 4]

This scares me quite frankly. And no it does not explain it better.:eek:

Susannah

Susannah, I can completely understand if you came from an abusive household how spanking wouldn't make sense. It is very difficult to have grown up in an environment like that and associate calm, even, disciplinary spanking with anything but violence. I can assure you, spanking does not need to be violent and does not need to inflict the emotional harm that you and many others have endured through abusive, out-of-control parents. I'm sorry you suffered that :cry.

As to the discussions of alternate forms of discipline, there certainly are many and there are many that work if applied consistently. In our family, there are only certain offenses that earn a spanking; the kids know what they are. Alternate methods of discipline, if appropriate, are also used. Our 9 year old has just about outgrown the spankings; she rarely gets them anymore. Our 6 year old doesn't get many anymore either. But they both know what actions will earn one.

[gadgetlady 4]

Don't know what's up with the emoticons, but that one was supposed to be a frown, not a -- whatever it is.

[anonemouse 1]

To be honest, I don't like spanking, in most cases, but I do realize that there might be instances where it could be used in an appropriate manner. I was spanked as a child. My dad had an anger problem. He scared the crap out of me when he would spank me, because I was never certain if he would remain in control. His face would turn tomato-red, his eyes would bug out, and he'd scream. He never lost control completely with me, but he sure scared me silly sometimes. I learned to lie and be sneaky as a result. My reasoning was this: if you don't get caught, you don't get spanked. I am still not completely comfortable around my dad. His anger problem really created a gap between us, because I was always scared that he could go off at any moment.

I think that if non-violent discipline is used consistently from an early age, most children respond to it. Of course, if you let your children run wild and then try to teach them discipline, it won't work. While spanking might work on those children, I think that if the non-violent variety is used consistently from an early age, it does work.

[Chickie 15]

Hang on everyone, I said for the most part children have horrific behavior. There is an exception to every rule. Be thankful that you happen to have a child that is one of the exceptions.

Peace Out!

T~:hippie:

I think that the example you were talking about in your PP, has more to do with poor parenting than poor discipline (although poor discipline is usually part of that too, but not the whole issue).

Kids instinctively know good from bad. And if a parent is to reinforce the positive, and express displeasure with the negative from a young age, the child will respond to talk and reasoning.

Kids want to please their parents. And if we the parents show the child how to please us with good behaviour, it is pretty easy to raise a good kid without the need for spanking.

[Devana 0]

LOL! I can imagine it would be bizarre to anyone who experienced it being angry and out of control.

When we give our girls a spanking, we first explain to them calmly why they're getting it (sometimes we ask them what they deserve and they say they deserve a spanking). Then we have them turn around and put their hands up on a wall (so they don't instinctively try to block the spanking). We spank them, and then they turn around and we give them a hug and some loving to empathize with their pain.

We have explained to them many times why punishment is necessary. They know which types of transgressions will earn a spanking. They get it. The understand that when natural consequences aren't effected (i.e. if they fall while running around after being told not to, that's a natural consequence), parental-imposed consequences will be. The only time spanking doesn't work, at least in our family, is when it's arbitrary, inconsistent, or done in haste or anger.

Does that explain it a little better?

Gadgetlady, I think this is an occasion where we will have to agree to disagree. I was so shocked when I read the above that I couldn't reply right away.

I usually have a "question of the week" for the people who come to see me. Today I described your discipline methods and asked them what they thought. Of thirty people, only one thought it was ok. The majority, like me, found it scary.

I only did this because I was curious if I was really "off base" in my reaction to it.

I was not an abused child and I did get smacked occasionally, sometimes out of frustration and other times calculated like you described above. And I can tell you, I understood when my parents tipped but I sure as blazes didn't understand the calm, after the fact infliction of pain as punishment. I thought it bizarre then and I still think it's bizarre.

I'm hoping that we live in a continuing evolving society. In the same way than it's no longer acceptable to abuse animals and act in racist and discriminatory ways, I can foresee a time in the future when physical violence toward our own children will become just as unacceptable.

Just putting this question out their, but those of us that have said we do spank have used examples on how we do this with out kids, I don't recall any examples of other methods from those that are against spanking. Is this becasue you don't have kids? I hope no one takes offese, just curious

I am a parent and I also have been a professional parent. I believe we often tend to parent the way we were parented. I always thank my lucky stars that I did work as a parent and had the help and education to enable me to parent in a way different from my own folks. You can't just go smacking kids when they're in your care. Many years later, when my own came along I had the skills required to discipline in other ways. He's fourteen now and a great kid. I did smack him less than a handful of times when he was younger, twice out of frustration and once when he scared me. I don't believe the physical punishment served his development and growth in any way, nor do I believe that his character and well being has suffered for not being physically disciplined the majority of the time.

There is much help out there for people to learn different ways to parent. A couple books I can think of off bat are ones by Barbara Coloroso and Gary Neufeld.

Many community centres have courses and parent groups.

There's a whole world of alternatives out there.

[anonemouse 1]

I think the real test of physical punishment is whether or not it could be applied in public with little or no interference from surrounding people. If you can't do it in public, it probably shouldn't be done. I think having your children lean against a wall in public, not allowing them to shield themselves, while you hit them with a switch or other "implement" would be a really quick way to find yourself either in jail or being visited by family services.

A light smack on the butt won't get anyone visited by family services and sure won't get anyone arrested. Whipping someone will.

[gadgetlady 4]

A light smack on the butt won't get anyone visited by family services and sure won't get anyone arrested. Whipping someone will.

I hope you're not saying you read that I whip my children. If you did read that from what I said, I am sorry that I misstated what I do. I certainly know the difference, as do my kids.

[gadgetlady 4]

Gadgetlady, I think this is an occasion where we will have to agree to disagree.

Absolutely.

I usually have a "question of the week" for the people who come to see me. Today I described your discipline methods and asked them what they thought. Of thirty people, only one thought it was ok. The majority, like me, found it scary.

We probably hang out with different people, then.

I can foresee a time in the future when physical violence toward our own children will become just as unacceptable.

I don't see discipline as physical violence. Again, agree to disagree. BTW, I find violence against children particularly abhorrent. I think parents who yell and scream and demean their kids, as well as parents who beat or otherwise lash out physically at their kids in anger, do a lot of damage.

I am a parent and I also have been a professional parent.

What is a professional parent?

You can't just go smacking kids when they're in your care. Many years later, when my own came along I had the skills required to discipline in other ways. He's fourteen now and a great kid. I did smack him less than a handful of times when he was younger, twice out of frustration and once when he scared me.

There's a difference between "smacking", "slapping" and spanking, IMO. Most people smack or slap out of anger or frustration, which I find unacceptable.

I don't believe the physical punishment served his development and growth in any way, nor do I believe that his character and well being has suffered for not being physically disciplined the majority of the time.

What led you to believe I physically discipline "the majority of the time"? Perhaps you weren't implying that I did -- if you were, I'm sorry I misunderstood. I don't do it "the majority of the time", nor even close. Privileges are removed far more frequently than spanking, which is reserved, especially at my kids' ages (6 and 9), for particular offenses.

[anonemouse 1]

I hope you're not saying you read that I whip my children. If you did read that from what I said, I am sorry that I misstated what I do. I certainly know the difference, as do my kids.

Yes, I am. Here is what you said that you do to your children:

We also use an implement to spank, whenever possible. A flexible leather "stick" of sorts, something that causes a sting but doesn't cause a bruise or a welt, works well.

Then we have them turn around and put their hands up on a wall (so they don't instinctively try to block the spanking).

Here's the definition of whipping:

whip /ʰwɪp, wɪp/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[hwip, wip] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation verb, whipped or whipt,

whip·ping, noun –verb (used with object)

1.to beat with a strap, lash, rod, or the like, esp. by way of punishment or chastisement; flog; thrash: Criminals used to be whipped for minor offenses.

2.to strike with quick, repeated strokes of something slender and flexible; lash: He impatiently whipped his leg with his riding crop.

By your own admission, you whip your children. I don't care if you call it "swatting" or "switching," or whatever, it is whipping. And to be honest, if I ever saw you do it in public, I'd be the first to call the police. You may do it so that you don't leave marks, but you are whipping your children.