When you can't even be honest with yourself

[crystalsleeve 36]

I am always open, even if the problem is of a more personal nature like urinary incontinence. I believe in demystifying and taking the fear out of things that people see as too personal to share, if I think it will help another. I actually got a woman convinced to have WLS when I tearfully shared with her how happy I was when I could finally wipe myself clean after using the bathroom, thanks to the weight I had lost. I had no clue she was dealing with the same issue. TMI? In my opinion there is no such thing if what you are sharing is for the benefit and education of others. Our voices have been self-stifled for way too long. Had we been more vocal, perhaps insurance companies would have been more receptive to paying for the surgeries that many of us had to finance in order to save our own lives.

On another note, I think is is kind of crappy that someone I know who has lost 170 pounds has people convinced she is some kind of amazing because she only attributes her transformation to diet and mega exercise. She's even started health forums and has quite a following. The truth? Gastric bypass 11 years ago. Will I call her out on it? No. She told me in confidence (after I saw her scars by accident) and it's not in my nature to be cruel. It makes me angry and I've lost respect for her because she could be giving hope to so many who will never lose and be healthy any other way than by WLS. But, we all can only be who we are, I guess.

I applaud your TMI about personal hygiene. I am so happy that I am not alone. I think it is a personal decision to tell our not, but I agree that if people are beginning to look up to you and how quickly or easily you are losing weight is different. Knowing how much I have struggled through the years I can imagine how defeating it would be to watch someone losing so much weight with just "diet and exercise" when I'm trying to same thing with little result. I would feel like even more of a failure. Not knowing they have a secret tool helping them that I could never match on my own would be giving me a false expectation. Not that anyone is trying to hurt others by keeping it a secret, but think of how many people you could help instead. Would you have appreciated someone sharing their story with you during your struggles? Your story may not help them but it may help one of their family members. It also helps to remove the stigma about obesity. Now they may think they were right all along in thinking we are just lazy and some good old diet and execute would solve all of our weight issues. You may be able to help them understand that it's ok to get help.

[Chrystee 838]

Not everyone is the same.. I dont know why this bothers you so much, but WHO CARES? Everyone is different.. I am usually a VERY open book, but after choosing to share my decision with a couple people and their negative reaction, I don't want to talk about it, but people will have questions..

I think that a lot of people admit it afterwards, but at first and before your surgery, its a private decision..

If you wanted to get a boob job, do you feel it is everyone's business? Do you choose to share your salary with your friends?

[jessiquoi 623]

i think that for many of us, our weight issues have caused us to be less confident and less able to debate even things we wholeheartedly believe in.

i also think that most of us will improve in these areas after losing our excess weight.

maybe those of us who are selective about who we tell (myself included) will become more open as we gain emotional strength.

[SimplySue 131]

What a wonderful discussion to follow!????

By nature, I am a private person. That being said, I work in the health care field & it is not something that I want everyone to be aware of, but at the same time being in a small community, I expect word to get around. I am just under 2 weeks out from surgery & most of my coworkers & boss are aware. As far as the patients go, I'm not sure- they're there for us to take care of them, but I've known some for>20 years. I lost a large amount of weight ~10 years ago & thought the more vocal I was, the less I likely I would be to gain it back....WRONG! So, I certainly don't have that mind set any longer- if anything I am humbled by the possibility of failure, but determined to be successful. Also, a colleague of mine had WLS & did end up gaining his weight back. Yet a friend of mine also had WLS & is on Facebook actively posting about this. So this is an issue that I struggle with- likely I will try to use me as an example to this who are ready, but time will tell. Thankfully those who know have been supportive & some are watching me to determine their choice. It will be an interesting time????

[Alex Brecher 10,512]

So this is going to piss off a lot of people. But I call BS on everyone that says they are a "private person" or "its nobody else's business" when trying to justify why they don't admit to having WLS. Saying you had your gall bladder removed or a hernia repaired or any other number of fake surgeries instead of WLS is "sharing" a personal health issue, just not the one you actually had. If you needed a knee or hip replacement, would you fib and say you sprained something to explain your brace and/or crutches? Do you hide your need for insulin if you have diabetes? Do you all wear contacts instead of glasses so people don't know you have bad vision? How about if you needed your appendix removed? A kidney transplant? Can you seriously say you would come up with a "story" to cover up the fact you needed these surgeries?

What are you all afraid of? Why are you ashamed? This was a huge commitment for all of us. Why aren't you willing to stand up and defend your convictions by being honest about your decision to have surgery? Some people claim they don't want to hear negative feedback. Well how is the social stigma of obesity and WLS ever going to be overcome unless those negative people hear and see all of our success stories for themselves. Every time I am asked about my weight loss I see it as an opportunity to educate. Maybe next time the subject is brought up, that person can say "I know someone that had VSG and she looks and feels great! Why don't you give her a call".

I don't mean to offend, I just don't think "privacy" is the whole reason why WLS isn't admitted to and talked about openly.

I would love to completely obliterate the stigma attached to Obesity and WLS. I agree with some of your sentiment. I do have an issue with your wording in that it could be construed ..... that people who don't share are dishonest and liars, as well as full of BS. We have very clear rules that everyone must follow. Please please don't try to skirt them.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I would love to completely obliterate the stigma attached to Obesity and WLS. I agree with some of your sentiment. I do have an issue with your wording in that it could be construed ..... that people who don't share are dishonest and liars, as well as full of BS. We have very clear rules that everyone must follow. Please please don't try to skirt them.

Thank you.

[jjinWA 511]

Nope wouldn't hide my appendix surgery, nor my gall bladder surgery, etc etc. but then there are no stigmas behind those surgeries. You are not considered lazy if you need a hip replacement or need insulin shots for diabetes. But I could have paid cash for my WLS if I received a dollar for every time I heard someone say fat people can lose weight if they just commit to eating less and exercising more and WLS is just an easy way out. There ARE private issues that not everyone chooses to share.

I am not sure I hear many men discuss their little purple pill (Viagra) to their coworkers and people they meet on the street. How come? It would be so helpful if they would just talk about the fact that they cannot get it up without help. It would make it so much easier for other men if they could relate to the truth told by their buddy.

It would be so helpful if a couple who were trying desperately to conceive discussed with anyone who asked why they could not have a baby because the husband or wife was found to be steril. Just think how it would be helpful to others to know that this couple, who they hardly know, cannot have a child without help of fertility science.

It is such an informative conversation for a women to share with anyone that she suffers from incontinentence and I wears Poise pads to avoid bladder leakage. There are many women who suffer from this ailment and so each of us who live this life should be willing to share this fact so that we can make it a more acceptable awareness.

A woman who chooses to have an abortion should have no problem sharing this information with other women so that it can eventually become more acceptable in our society.

What I am getting at here is the fact that there are many private things in peoples' lives that just do not need to be shared. Those private things will be very different from one person to another person. Stigmas do exist. Discrimination does exist. Being treated as an outcast among others does exist. Each person has their own life situation that determines how they handle the publication of their surgery. Family, coworkers, client relationships, community, personal inhibitions, etc all play into whether a person is comfortable with discussing WLS.

I am happy to let the market, via media advertisements, bring awareness to private issues such as ED, bladder control, fertility and WLS programs, etc. For example, I see multiple advertisements from Bariatric Centers here in my state on a daily basis. Those market blitzes bring plenty of awareness to this topic. Personally, I am not ready to sign up to be the town cryer on the subject of WLS. I AM willing to share my journey with someone who I believe would benefit from this information. In fact, I have done that. The difference of whether I tell someone about my surgery will be my choice and on my terms. I have no shame in how I am handling my own personal and private life.

[happymama2014 206]

What I find interesting is ....what's wrong with being ashamed of having to have WLS? Plenty of people in the world can lose weight without it? What's wrong with not wanting to share your failure at weight loss?

I'm sure not everyone was honest with themselves or other people about how much they ate? That extra dessert that extra burger... I mean let's be real we didn't get overweight by not overheating including the author of this post. I'm sure people weren't standing there shouting out that they just gorged on some food!

Just like most people don't stand up and shout that they went and had plastic surgery done.. Because it's really nobody's business.

There is plenty of people out there who are willing to share their story and be an open book so the people not telling their story are not affecting anyones life.

Someone who really wants to be educated about getting healthy, they will. They don't need your WLS journey to change their life. One persons opinion shouldn't matter that much.

Honestly !

[highdesertblue 70]

I will tell people if they ask, but I'm not sure if I will make a big announcement when I have the surgery. I am open with family and close friends. I don't really want to face all of the negative comments and "helpful' advice from people who have lost 5-20 pounds in the past. i'm guilty of offering weight loss advice that I obviously an not following. I am also concerned about people who feel insecure about me losing weight. I went through this 25 years ago when I lost weight, and it upsets a balance in relationships. I'm the fat one who makes others feel ok about having a piece of cake at the birthday, or getting ice cream on the way home from a meeting that is 2 hours away. I understand why people don't want to share, but lying about the type of surgery, saying it is a gallbladder or hernia repair doesn't make sense. People will guess what is really going on.

[Kandis SupaStar Hill 39]

I didn't shout if from the roof top, but I didn't tell everyone I knew either, I only told a certain few; it wasn't because of privacy, it's just because I didn't feel like explaining myself. There are certain people that you just can't waste energy on while you're going through the process because it's stressful and draining as it is, without dealing with complete ignorance. You know who you can share things with, and you know who just needs to find out when, (if ever), they find out.

Now that I've had surgery, when people ask how I've dropped the weight so quickly I answer honestly. I had no intentions of lying if asked; I just felt it was on a need to know bases, and a lot of people just didn't need to know. I do believe that everyone in my family now knows because my parents are like your local channel 5 news anchors, but that's a different story, LOL.

I don't know why people lie about the surgery, you can put two and two together and tell they had "something" so you might as well be honest. I think for the most part it's just a comfort thing; some people may be embarrassed they had to look to this type of tool, or some people just don't want to waste time defend their decision. However, I agree you are right, if you don't stand up for your choices then people will be free to continuously place whatever stigma they want on WLS. Speaking out about it is the best way to educate, I just believe in speaking out about it only if asked. If a person doesn't ask, they can feel free to guess all they want.

Edited October 22, 2014 by Kandis SupaStar Hill

[Sleeve_Sistah85 193]

I would love to completely obliterate the stigma attached to Obesity and WLS. I agree with some of your sentiment. I do have an issue with your wording in that it could be construed ..... that people who don't share are dishonest and liars, as well as full of BS. We have very clear rules that everyone must follow. Please please don't try to skirt them.

Thanks Alex!

[docbree 199]

"It is highly dishonest and unethical to say you lost weight with an herbal supplement and have monetary gain from it. It is not dishonest to not disclose your PHI. It's not every WLS person's J.O.B. to inform the public when they ask how they lost weight, so they don't get a false sense of what is possible. And it IS possible to lose weight without WLS. "

@@MichiganChic (above is quote from her post - but not showing up on mobile as such)

I'm not saying it's everyone's job to inform people that they had weight loss surgery, and I tried to be clear in my post that I believe everyone has the right to keep the fact that they had WLS private. Of course I realize it's possible to lose weight with diet and exercise - that was not my point.

Edited October 22, 2014 by docbree

[Bandista 7,466]

I give myself credit for the brutal self-honesty it took for me to make the decision for weight loss surgery. My choice not to tell very many people about it has to do with my privacy, not my honesty. As for truth, I tell my own here in hopes of helping others who I know are sympathetic as this is a self-selected group of people choosing a drastic means for ensuring a healthy future. I'm glad I can share that with all of you. The fact that I don't share this with my extended family or small town neighbors or colleagues has nothing to do with my self-honesty or my commitment. Please don't judge me -- I had enough of that as an overweight person.

[Kandis SupaStar Hill 39]

I chose to keep it to myself because of all the things I suffered at the hands of well meaning (NOT) friends and family. I wanted this to be my journey with the help of loved ones and family.

I did tell a couple of friends ( former friends ) who had nothing to do with me after I had the surgery. Another friend was so angry she only spoke to me once after, to tell me to stop losing and that she took a poll on Facebook about it and everyone said I was stupid to do this.

It took time for me to push forward to NOT CARE anymore. I still find myself choosing who I tell straight out. Sometimes it feels like it is a gift I am sharing. No one knows my past. No one knows how much I have in the bank. No one knows what I have gone through totally as it is my life.

I will share my experience with people who need or want to hear it the rest well. We have not come far enough to let ourselves stay open to the wind of chance. We are still a small minority and still have pain over our past abuses.They did not share in my choice to have the surgery. They do not get to share in my decision to have WLS.

When I am ready and when I chose to tell the world will be when I am ready to face whatever anyone has to throw at me.

That does not me me a liar. It makes me cautious. I have had to be to survive this world so far!

Saying that you were not raised to lie is a blank statement and basically name calling. Please remember the rules of Rants and Raves. NO NAME CALLING!

Oh! Did you tell your kids there is no Santa or tooth fairy or Easter bunny! Just asking.

I'm sorry I'm stuck on the facebook poll, are you serious? That's just plain wicked. Some people can be so hurtful even when they think they're trying to help. As if taking a poll among facebook users, most of whom probably aren't even educated enough on the topic to comment let alone take a poll, iwould to stop you from doing what you know is best for you. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a crappy friend. Do you think she was just angry that if you lost the weight she'd lose you as a friend?

[Kindle 8,667]

I would love to completely obliterate the stigma attached to Obesity and WLS. I agree with some of your sentiment. I do have an issue with your wording in that it could be construed ..... that people who don't share are dishonest and liars, as well as full of BS. We have very clear rules that everyone must follow. Please please don't try to skirt them.

...You're right, I could have used different wording, but the same character flaws that make me honest and open also blocks the PC filter others possess. I don't sugar coat things. And I do apologize for using the BS reference. I need to remember that what is acceptable behavior and conversation in my real life, may not be OK for everyone.

I reread my post as I never called anyone a liar. And as for dishonesty, any response to the question of weight loss that doesn't include surgery is a half-truth (half-truth noun\-ˌtrüth\: a statement that is only partly true and that is intended to deceive people). According to Merriam Webster dishonesty is a synonym for deception.

"I had surgery, and I eat healthier and I exercise" is the true answer to how we lost weight. There is no arguing that all of those things were necessary for us. Omitting any of these points is misleading and the listener is deceived into believing something that isn't the whole truth. If you don't wish to disclose your surgery, for whatever reason, "that's personal and I prefer not to talk about it" or "it's none of your business" are honest answers.

We obviously got very side tracked, because the intent of my OP was to open the discussion of how to address the shame and stigma and negativity many on here may encounter as WLS patients. I feel strongly that being open and talking about it is the best way to eliminate the myths and prejudice that surrounds WLS and obesity. I was embarrassed when I first decided to have surgery. I was disgusted with myself and my lack of discipline to lose it on my own. Talking about it and being open with others helped me get over these negative feelings as well as dispel many myths others had about obesity, WLS, and even traveling to Mexico for surgery. Obviously, many people choose not to disclose and I appreciate your viewpoints and the arguments of why it may not work for some. It's just the deception that bothered me because allowing people to think you lost so much weight the "old fashioned way" perpetuates the idea that WLS is not necessary.

Edited October 22, 2014 by Kindle