Success despite partner not being supportive

[briefs199 337]

As I get closer to my surgery date I am concerned that my husband's seemingly non interest in my life change is going to be an issue. I should say that my entire life I have gone through life doing things on my own and can't think of one major thing that happened to me while I was truly supported by someone else. So I have experience in doing things on my own.

That being said I don't think I have under taken something this major and my feelings of anger towards him about being not involved or interested really are growing.

I would love to hear about other successful or even non successful banders who had less than involved partners. He says he's happy for me but he doesn't read anything or inquire about after my surgery and it's making me crazy.

[☠carolinagirl☠ 18,721]

sorry you feel you are not getting the support you need at home

but do you have friends or other family that can (help) you at this time?

and this forum is a great place to come to for that extra UMPH we all need

at times..

but i will say, be YOUR own #1 fan

its YOU that has to make yourself well

if you want to get well, then do it and do not

let anyone or anything stand in your way.

he may not understand the WLS procedure. my hub did

not until he started reading it and he saw some awful shit on you tube

and said are you crazy?? and yes i guess i am haha

he also maybe scared for YOU and for himself..

could be many things..i wish i could offer something to ease your mind

i can offer love/hope/friendship but the WLS you are about to get

will give you HEALTH and that is the name of game in the long run.

all the best

[Bandista 7,466]

I think it can be scary for our spouses to see the powerful and decisive determination it takes for us to choose ourselves and our healthy futures -- putting ourselves first can be a big change. Maybe he is sensing all that and feeling a little nervous or displaced. As CG says above, this is a great place to get support. Welcome!

[gowalking 10,790]

Come to our support group meeting on the 25th in midtown. We'll be your support! The info with the address/time is in the support group thread...or PM me.

PS: Say hi to Dr. Fielding for me. Haven't been to the office in quite a while but heading back in December for another follow up.

[CherieRyde 227]

I'm so sorry that your spouse isn't being supportive. I can't say that mine isn't supportive, because he is ... and he's amazing. What I CAN say is that even with his support, I depend more on myself and this group than I do him. Yes, he's happy for me. Yes, he'll walk with me most nights. Yes, he's aware of my needs when we decide to go out for dinner. But no ... his support doesn't have an impact on my success because I'm the one who has to do it. I'm the one who has to push my backside out of the door for my walks. I'm the one who has to get off the couch to exercise. I'm the one who has to measure my meals. I'm the one who knows when I've had enough food. I'm the one who knows how much Protein I've eaten, and how much Water I've actually had to drink.

So, while it's nice to hear him say "You are doing a great job, Baby." or "Where would you like to go for dinner? " .. the reality is that I own this. So .. own it. Don't listen to anything negative he has to say. Try not to let his apparent disinterest bother you so much. We are here for you.

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@briefs199 It would definitely be great to see you at our support group in NYC the date is 10/25.

Your making a big change in your life and that is something that is positive change for you, and if you work at it together for your spouse as well.

It's not always easy when one person makes a change even if the change is personal and beneficial for health etc. It can open a gap in the relationship, leaving area's of grey where the other person had definition before. For example, perhaps he knows your favorite food, and now that will change. Perhaps he enjoys going out for beers with you and now that will change. He is thinking about what this surgery is going to mean for him and his relationship with you and who you are and who you are going to be...and how he is going to cope with that...but you are who you are and your husband might need some reassurance that a new "body" a thinner more healthy you is not going to change who you are, or how you feel about him.

The key to all of this is communication!! You must sit down and talk with your husband. If a psych exam is part of your surgery, make an appointment to sit with your spouse and bring these topics up and give him the space to be able to ask the Dr.'s all the questions he might have even if you think he doesn't care I'm sure he's just afraid to voice his concerns and his fears about your choice.

Most of all remember that this was YOUR choice. You can not force him to change his eating habits or his behavior to suit you. You must make the changes required of you for yourself, and adapt those changes in your life style to fit into your partnership.

These are all do able and if you don't force your choices and changes on him or anyone you have a relationship with for that matter, you will find that they are more accepting and will be better able to embrace your new way of being rather then being resistant to it.

The key to everything though is communication. You must speak out and let them know what you need and don't need and what is a trigger for you, if you clearly state your needs that does not mean that at the next party there won't be chips and dip but it does mean that when you don't stick your hand in the bowl your hostess is not offended that you are not eating her food, but understands that you have dietary restrictions.

When you go out to eat with your husband you might not order the steak at his favorite steak place but you will sit and enjoy the Soup or the salad or what ever it is that is on your dietary menu even if it means your on a liquid diet and you drink your shake while he dines you will have a friend there who is on your side and ready to be your cheer leader because they will realize you are not trying to change them, you are only trying to make changes to give yourself a better life.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Briefs, sorry I can't advise you about how to get your spouse involved. My spouse has always been 100 % supportive, so im no help there. My question to you though ( and I say this with love and all due respect), you say that you've always done everything with no support from anyone, so why do you expect you husband to all of a sudden support you now ? YOU are making changes to get healthy, (good for you !) and in a perfect world your husband would be there for you. Unfortunately, its not a perfect world and since this has been your relationship with him for quite some time, I honestly dont think he's going to change because YOU are making good changes for YOUR healthy future. However, if you do need support, this is the place you'll get it. I wish you well !!

[briefs199 337]

Thanks everyone. Great responses and a lot of food for thought. Bad pun!

I will try to make the 25 th. I think I definitely need some IRL support even though this forum is awesome.

[parisshel 1,892]

An interesting thread. The above comments are true; even with a world of support you need to be your own cheerleader (as well as planner, shopper, cook, etc). In fact, I suspect that an entire house of supporters might work against my efforts, as the pressure to succeed would make me crumble!

I have zero real-life support. Zero. My kids are teenagers and turned towards themselves, which is completely normal. They notice when I lose weight, but that's about it. My partner is neither supportive nor unsupportive and of no help in motivating me at all. He is quite lazy and his default is bad eating and lack of movement so we are fairly incompatible on this weight loss/more activity journey. (I doubt we will stay together in the longterm, but that's another thread.)

Like you, I do everything myself and always have, since a young child. I've been conditioned (and learned) to only rely on myself. I suppose this self-awareness is beneficial, but I would have loved to have an IRL support group just so I could be around people who were going through the same thing, and mirroring their success.

I've always used this site as my support team, and recently joined an online webinar course/support group that has given me a shot of oxygen in this journey.

When looking for exterior support, I only look towards those who've acheived something I want. In other words, I don't follow blogs/threads of people who are failing their weight loss/maintenance path. I'm someone who is fairly influenced by the hivemind, so if I see others giving themselves permission to fail, it can effect me negatively. So my advice to you is to surround yourself with a good assortment of winners (here, and perhaps thru your surgical practice there is a group?) and avoid those who sabotage or do not live their WLS in a healthy way.

Edited October 14, 2014 by parisshel

[CocoPebbles1030 59]

Hang in there. I, too support everyone but have little support when I need it. I know men tend to hide their emotions and feelings. Deep down he may not know how to support you. He also may be feeling a little anxious, wondering what it will be like for him when you have the surgery. Be a little gentle with him and with yourself. I'm finding great support here and on youtube. This is a kind of selfish time for you. Take advantage of it and be good to yourself!

[Ldimples 73]

My surgery is scheduled for November 19, 2014. My husband has been very supportive ( I thought). One day the negative statements started coming out, I was surprised. After a long talk with him I realized a few things. He was scared about the surgery. Some of the YouTube videos I have been watching really scared him. And I have become obsessed with this life change. It had become a part of every conversation we have. My journey started in August with going to all the doctor visits, and he has been a big part of that journey being very supportive attending the doctor visits with. I know he will continue to be supportive but our conversation did help me to see or at least understand his feelings. This blog has been very helpful to me because I'm able to read and post my feeling. I don't have to overwhelm him with the constant questions concerns or worries i am having. I had 5000 questions going on in my head and this blog has answered them all good and bad. A marriage is a give-and-take and I needed to take his feelings into consideration without pushing mine to the back. He just wanted to be heard and I listened. Either my son who is 15, had concerns and wanted to be heard. I listened, his concerns are just as important. I needed to reassure him that mommy would still cook the foods that he has come to love, it will be healthier but he will still love it. During this waiting period before my surgery, I have even made some of those foods, testing it out and we have done it as a family. So the family can see that they can still eat foods that they love but either not as much or healthier. Change takes time, it does not happen overnight. I am sure we will have some hard days but together we will be successful. Hope this helps. Some great advice from all. Reading them has truly helped me.