Honest thoughts before my surgery

[built2livenotexist 119]

My gastric sleeve surgery is scheduled for October 22nd. I've been lurking on the site for months though and am grateful for all of the support that is out there; only 2 very supportive people in my life know about my decision. I am about 3 days into the pre-op diet. I am a coffee fiend and a smoker and the withdrawal from both the nicotine and caffeine that my surgeon requires feels like poo; so much so that the diet isn't even fazing me. I've gone back and forth between cranky and lethargic and weepy and anxious. I understand that this is normal. I thought to myself, "Why are you doing this!?" I thought I would remind myself and share with all of you.

I've always been fat. I never used words like curvy or fluffy because they just don't do these rolls and blubber justice. Also, because I just couldn't bring myself to romanticize something that I've always hated; my body. I went on my first diet program at the age of 15 and over the course of the last 22 years I have spent thousands of dollars on infomercial exercise devices and weight loss tablets all so that I could lose and gain the same 150lbs over and over and over. It's crazy how I managed to become comfortable being uncomfortable. Last year, I got a sassy short haircut and while running my hand along the back of my head, I felt a fat roll....on my head. Not my first, of course, but a great dawning began. I realized that my highest weight and largest clothing size had been consistently growing over the years. The pile of smaller clothing that I one day hoped to wear again was made up of garments that were no longer fashionable and began to outnumber the clothes that actually fit. I realized how tired I was after attempting to play with my young child and felt immense guilt at just how many activities I begged out of due to my weight and lack of endurance. I realized that it was becoming increasingly difficult to wipe my own behind thoroughly, especially in tiny public bathroom stalls. I realized how much of my thoughts revolved around food and how ashamed I felt to even raise a fork to my lips in front of others. I realized much of this while carrying a basket of laundry to from the basement to the top floor; I had to stop on the ground level to catch my breath.

Why am I doing this? Because despite how big I am, I feel really small. This was certainly not the plan. I am tired of being a slave to food and I am tired of the bondage of this body that doesn't reflect who I really am. I don't recognize the lady in the mirror and I don't like her. I am doing this because I am ready to stop limiting myself. Because I want to live and not exist.

Please share if you will. Why are you doing/did you do this? What moments were really memorable in your decision making process?

[S(he) be(lie)ve(d) 151]

Being healthy, happy and regain self confidence again. I want to get my old self back and be the best role model that I can be for my 3 little girls. I want to eat to live, not live to eat. Most people that I have come to know in the last few years only know the fat me. They don't even know that I used to be a size 4 to 6 in past years. So, as my weight goes down, I will literally get to go shopping in my own closet! It's amazing that if you hold onto stuff, it comes back into style again eventually. Ha ha! When I reach my goal weight, then I will reward myself with a big shopping trip.

[jjinWA 511]

I want to see respect in the eyes of others.... More importantly I want to respect myself.... And once again love myself.

[dashofsunshine 875]

I want to eat to live instead of living to eat. I don't want to let it control me anymore. I want to be able to hike the Grand Canyon and have children one day and be with my husband for many many years instead of dying from a heart attack at age 40. I have always struggled with my weight - we dieted as a family all through my childhood from age 7. I want my life to be more than the unhappiness and depression I feel when I look in the mirror. I want to be able to love my husband with my whole heart, which of course, requires me to love myself first. I'm 26 years old and I can't walk up a flight of stairs without being winded. So I'm having surgery in hopes that I can wake up every day and look around at the world with wonder as opposed to waking up every day and simply existing. Good luck to you guys ????

[puttingme1st 143]

I am having surgery the 22nd as well! I started my pre op diet on Wednesday. I've lost about 10 pounds so far on the liquids. It took me a long time to get to the point that I was ready for surgery. I used to look at surgery as a cop out. But now I see it is just a tool. I went to a different doctor last year but backed out because I did not feel comfortable with the place. It took me 8 months to talk myself into finding another doctor. I'm so glad I did. I have never been more ready for anything in my life. I am tired of my weight controlling my life. I'm ready to regain control. I know it's not going to be easy, but that's OK. I know it will be worth it!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Good OP.

You asked: "Why are you doing/did you do this? What moments were really memorable in your decision making process?"

Frankly, I was desperate. In my late 60s, I had suffered some health and stress setbacks the previous year and a half and gained considerable weight. I simply could not fathom any form of satisfactory retirement (next year) and had no idea how I could manage to lose as much weight as I had to lose (nearly 100 pounds). I also knew that even if I lost the weight I'd never maintain the weight loss -- since I NEVER HAVE BEFORE.

I remember telling someone I was just so f**k**g disappointed in myself.

In the end, I really had no other options. I'd tried all the others (at least 40 diets throughout my life, lots of weight lost and regained). I kept thinking of the famous Einstein definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I'm not insane. And I'm not stupid. And I don't have time to mess around anymore. So I did this.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I want my life back.

[JanetPRN 496]

I was tired of being the "funny fat friend" and the fluffy grandma. I just wanted to be me. I hated shopping, photos and dreaded seeing old friends because of my embarrassment over my size.

Flash forward, I'm healthy , happy and outgoing again. I must admit , my sleeve is gift I gave myself.

Edited October 13, 2014 by JanetPRN

[Shiloh0772 57]

I was tired of being the "funny fat friend" and the fluffy grandma. I just wanted to be me. I hated shopping, photos and dreaded seeing old friends because of my embarrassment over my size.

Flash forward, I'm healthy , happy and outgoing again. I must admit , my sleeve is gift I gave myself.

Oh my! Your pre-op phobias are exactly like mine!

[ausmith 374]

Good luck to all of you having your surgery on the 22nd my husband and I were sleeved on the 22nd October 2013. I have lost 107lb and he has lost 109lb. It's life changing.

[kimpossible67 608]

Happy life changing day! It's going to take some time and frustration to get everything worked out but it comes together eventually. We've ALL been there. Attitude is EVERYTHING! When I woke up I basically couldn't wipe the stupid grin off of my face. Reach out to us with any questions. I found this forum to be such a relief. I could relate to so many. Happy Days!!!