female only social skills victory!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I had a very exciting thing happen today.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Sorry... I can't see what I type on new threads started on my kindle...So have to reply to my own post to actually share anything!

I am an outgoing person...will talk to anyone anywhere kinda woman . I dont mean to brag, but I have received very positive feedback about my looks since losing weight from both men and other women. So.... I keep wondering why nobody asks me out..Haha. seriously I have been thinking about this and one major factor is that I suck at flirting and tend to not even recognize when a man is flirting with me. I can come up with several examples of a complete stranger talking to me about my horse, my truck or my car or something...and 3 days later, I think to myself..."hey, I wonder if he was interested in ME?" many missed opportunities to perhaps get a date or at least an ego boost

I am sure this is a self defense mechanism from a lifetime of obesity.

So today...drumroll please...I didn't suck! I went on a long ride with friends and two of us met for a late lunch/early dinner afterwards. We park our truck and trailer with horses inside while we eat. As I returned to my rig, I walked by a guy with a boat hitched to his truck and he said "is that your horse?" The cowboy boots might have been a clue. I nodded and he went on to say, I hope you dont mind I peeked in on her...beautful palomino (a horse color term). I thanked him for the compliment and was walking away when he talked about his ex girlfriend being into horses and that he wasn't into them but respected the hobby. He then started telling me about his passions, talked about my truck etc....and the wheels started turning...maybe he wants to talk to me. So, I engaged in a great conversation about many subjects. I can turn on the charm...

He then told me his friend helped him pull the boat out of moorage for the summer and was inside buying bandages for a slight injury....friend shows up and he's a real firecracker.... He got into the truck to bandage his wounds and made the occasional funny remark like.. "Did K mention he owns an airplane?" A minute later he says... "and he has a barn...but sadly no horses in it" . Oh and later he says "k is actually single too". He was being funny but it definitely helped the clueless (me) get a hint.

So a few minutes later it was feeling like our conversation was wrapping up...normally I would have wished him a good evening and drove off....but instead I said "I'd like to talk to you more". So he asked for my number!

Now the important part is not whether he calls or not..important thing is that I read the signs and gave him an opening! I usually put up a polite wall and it is no wonder nobody asks for my number or asks me out. This is major skill development for me. I have been practicing that sort of social e engagement with other women and have made some new friends but this is the first time I have successfully expressed interest in a complete stranger. Woohoo!

[angierue 214]

Yay you!!! That's an awesome victory.

[FairySleeve 297]

Woohoo!! way to go, Cowgirl Jane!!!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

(grinning)

urdoinitrite.

[MichiganChic 3,262]

You go Girl!

Love that story, and that self-realization!

[FairySleeve 297]

Love to hear about the update on this one hehe

[layknee 357]

Wow I will use what you've learned. I've always been socially awkward when it comes to the opposite sex.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Part 2 of the lesson is that I go out well groomed most of the time. I have a professional career and have always believed that obese people need to dress just a bit sharper because clothes look better on skinny people. I had no make up on, I had fluffed my helmet hair a bit, my jeans were a little baggy and dirty and I was wearing a button up shirt over a tank, and cowboy boots. I was not cleaned up in the least.

I wonder sometimes if I look a bit "too much" at times combined with a certain aloofness toward men (self protection idea that I thin bikerchick mentioned on a another thread) that makes strangers say stuff like "your hot" but never ask me out.

Reality is I am a horse back riding, hiking, boating, traveling kinda woman who is active and all that...I am rethinking how I dress even when I go out dancing etc....to just be more casual.

A lady I know from the meetup (where I go dancing and happy hours etc with) and I had a long top about looks and perceptions. Example, one lady in our group is hugely tatooed and some guys decide she is an easy woman (what a stupid dated notion) and she is actually holding out for a long term. Feedback she gave me is that I often dress "hard edged" when going out but reality is that I am friendly, sweet and social...and have never even dated one of the guys from the meet up. Her advice was to switch to flowing feminine clothes as a social experiment as I stand out in the crowd now. Compared to the average woman in the group I have a hotter bod (no middle age gut and thanks to fitness and plastics a more youthful looking body than many even younger than me) and by wearing harder edge clothing combined with my rock and roll hair (that is my natural hair) just paints an image. ...one of the guys told me at the 80s themed dance that I was hot in any decade....and yet, no one that is nice and age appropriate has asked me out asked me out.

Well, that isn't entirely true. I was asked out by someone who admitted he isn't quite 30... haha... and a very nice man closer to my age who has been teaching me some couples dance stuff but we have pretty big religious differences and I am just not interested in him.

Anyway, I am just saying this is all food for thought... some people have a certain "look" for whatever reason... and the way you clothe and accessorize that look can change people's impressions.

Edited October 6, 2014 by CowgirlJane

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

deleted duplicate

Edited October 6, 2014 by CowgirlJane

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I think there's an important balance we each must find between "marketing ourselves" and "being ourselves."

My own balance would lean more in the direction of being myself. I dress to please myself, not random men I haven't met yet.

(Can you tell I have a "button" on the "dressing to please" advice?)

Edited October 6, 2014 by VSGAnn2014

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Oh, I dress to please myself. I love looking polished, it makes me feel good. I don't actually care what others think but I am just being a realist about what image I might be projecting...

[trvlgrl 50]

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. About 8 years ago I lost 76 lbs. and dressed in what I was comfortable in... Jeans, boots and a shirt... I got a lot of attention from men even though I was plainly married. The men looked at me and thought I drove a high end car when I actually drove an SUV. They almost seemed disappointed, like I had let them down in some way. Very odd. I'm getting the sleeve on the 23rd and while my husband is supportive he has mentioned that he dreads the attention I will probably get again. We've been married for a long time and I think just a hint of protective jealousy will spice things up a bit... ????. I am very happy with him and he knows it. I'm going to be curious to see if I dress the same or if my tastes have changed. I wear certain styles now because they "cover" and "hide" my less than amazing body so I'm going to be curious to see what I like when I can wear anything. ????

[MichiganChic 3,262]

@@CowgirlJane that's an interesting topic, regarding the way you dress. You could have taken the words out of my mouth. When I was obese, I was always well groomed. I love makeup and clothes anyway, but I always felt that I had to go the extra mile when I was fat because I wanted to make sure I looked as good as I could, and I had a strike against me with my weight. I didn't want to give anyone an opportunity to say I was slovenly, lazy, or any other untrue stereotypical sentiment. I had to wear business professional at work, and even at my kids games, I still made the effort.

Now that I'm thin, I LOVE clothes even more. I crack myself up, primping like my 18 year old daughter! I figure if I have to wear clothes, they are going to be super cute - always. That usually is fitted, more polished, etc. I never forget the details like belts, bags, and jewelry, either. I don't buy anything that I don't love. I think years of habit has carried over, and I also might be projecting an image like you suggest. I just never considered how others might perceive it - I just figure if I think it looks good they would, too, lol. My 23 year old daughter always tells me (lovingly) I'm a "basic B----", even though she never says the second word. I always tell her thanks, that's all I ever wanted to be, lol. She just shakes her head and it's our joke, because the rest of the world thinks its an insult, but I think it's a compliment. However, after reading your post, it got me to thinking, maybe that's what she's talking about?

Great, thought provoking thread.

[FairySleeve 297]

@@CowgirlJane that's an interesting topic, regarding the way you dress. You could have taken the words out of my mouth. When I was obese, I was always well groomed. I love makeup and clothes anyway, but I always felt that I had to go the extra mile when I was fat because I wanted to make sure I looked as good as I could, and I had a strike against me with my weight. I didn't want to give anyone an opportunity to say I was slovenly, lazy, or any other untrue stereotypical sentiment. I had to wear business professional at work, and even at my kids games, I still made the effort.

Now that I'm thin, I LOVE clothes even more. I crack myself up, primping like my 18 year old daughter! I figure if I have to wear clothes, they are going to be super cute - always. That usually is fitted, more polished, etc. I never forget the details like belts, bags, and jewelry, either. I don't buy anything that I don't love. I think years of habit has carried over, and I also might be projecting an image like you suggest. I just never considered how others might perceive it - I just figure if I think it looks good they would, too, lol. My 23 year old daughter always tells me (lovingly) I'm a "basic B----", even though she never says the second word. I always tell her thanks, that's all I ever wanted to be, lol. She just shakes her head and it's our joke, because the rest of the world thinks its an insult, but I think it's a compliment. However, after reading your post, it got me to thinking, maybe that's what she's talking about?

Great, thought provoking thread.

The basic B---- haha, I am exactly it! I don't think it comes with age but at 42 I can be myself more than ever! I never felt fit in to my age until I hit 33 and ever since I feel more liberate to do and speak my mind with diplomatic technic - only if it's useful and doesn't hurt anybody. Back to the topic of dressing. Even when I was fat (well now I'm still fat but a lot smaller) people always loved the way I dressed. Have you seen the series Drop Dead Diva? All of my friends who saw Jane Bingum (Brooke Elliot) in the series, they came to me said that, OMG she reminded me of you. I always have the confidence of a model inside that fat body. I don't know what is it about me (maybe I'm very friendly like a labrador or look a bit flirty) but people (men & women) always got surprised when I told them that I'm married they would be like that "oh really? but you look like a single girl" guys always hit on me at any weight, but I'm happily married so I just take it as compliments.