2 days before sugery and feeling conflicted

[Idahospud 102]

Surgery is in 2 days and my husband decided that he wanted to announce that he was going to leave me last night. He warned me months and months ago that if I decided to get this surgery and "get skinny" that he would "no longer be attracted to (me) " and we would end up getting a divorce but he always made it sound like a joke! I am shocked and irritated all at the same time. He had seemed so supportive to me during the pre op diet and held my hand through the 40 pound weight loss thus far...... Has anyone here lost a spouse due to the decision to go thru with the WLS? I know what people are going to say that there has to be more to it and you are probably right, there probably is but he has announced this as the reason. I have been wondering for the last few days if I am making the right decision to have WLS and now I am even more scared to go thru with it.... Just needed to vent, where in the world is that ' rant section' anyway???

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Well ... that sucks.

On the other hand ... if he was always going to leave anyway, how soon can he move out?

Seriously, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on the eve of surgery. But his announcement makes it clear that, even if he did stay, he wouldn't be supportive of you.

If you made this decision for all good reasons and are committed to it, I sure as HELL would NOT cancel surgery because of his bizarre attempt to overwhelm you.

Again, so sorry you're having to deal with this now.

Yet, it is what it is. And you have to deal with what it is.

Very best wishes to you.

[Idahospud 102]

That is what is so hard. I feel like I am being selfish by going thru with the surgery and I have felt guilty for even wanting it from day one BUT I feel like I NEED it. I have 2 littles at home (3 1/2 yr & 20 months) and I want to be there for them as the healthy fun mom, not the fat tired one. The fatter I got the more co dependant I became/ am. I am insanely afraid of failing at this and now am worried that I will fail it like I do every other diet and even my marriage. Wish I would have enrolled in counceling BEFORE this happened. Then maybe I wouldn't be so afraid of it.

[KristenLee 60]

Wow, that is shitty! Sorry! You need to do this surgery for you and your health. This is a very difficult decision and I pra your Higher Power guides you to the right decision.

[AvaFern 3,516]

No offense, but it sounds like your husband is a very insecure, controlling man. You don't leave someone two days before any surgery, let alone simply because you think your wife might get hotter than you are at some point in the future. I suggest you call his bluff. If he leaves, you are better off, but more likely, he's using this as a way to control you and if you tell him that you will continue with surgery with or without him, he will likely step in line. Men with no self-confidence like women they can control, however they also tend to toe the line as soon as that woman puts him in his place.

Good luck to you.

[4me4them 381]

OK, here's my outsider take...you are not the one being selfish! HE IS! Seriously, with a 3.5 yr old and a 20mth old who walks out the door two days before surgery. I agree you should do what is best for you and your kids...I would ask only one question, do you have family/friends that can help you get back on your feet/help with the little ones?...if not perhaps a postponement of a few weeks while you get arrangements made would allow you to go into surgery with a better peace of mind. You made the decision (a hard one for most) to get the tools you need to be there for your kids, you can make this one as well...

[thesuse2000 698]

Wow - that really is a shitty thing for him to do. My only concern with you having the surgery is that you have some support when you get home from the hospital. But absolutely he is the selfish one here, not you! Please put yourself first and take care of yourself. If he is the kind of person to leave you for your looks - you will find someone better who will love you for who you are, and who will support you in taking care of yourself and your health.

So sorry you have to go through this right before surgery, but I'm with all who think you should go ahead with it. I wish you the best.

Edited September 27, 2014 by thesuse2000

[JakeLancaster 36]

OUCH! He is afraid of something, might want to sit down and reassure him of what is bothering him. He might be afraid of you leaving him or even of you dying. Have you explored what he really is afraid of?

[Cococat 119]

So, he will no longer be attracted to you if you lose weight?

Tell him that if he misses your fat so much, he can get a can of Crisco and he can cuddle up to that.

Seriously, he married you for your inner qualities, didn't he? What has fat got to do with it?

Someone else said that he is an insecure man who is trying to control you so that only he finds you attractive, so he can keep you. He really is threatened by the thought of losing you once you get trim. I do not know how to make him feel less threatened. He needs counseling. He sounds as if he has been "sharing" with other male friends who have planted within him scare stories about wives who have left their husbands after becoming fit.

That guy needs help.

[KarenF1972 78]

He sounds like a douche! We were told in our information session that there are a large number of people that end up getting divorced after WLS. You are not being at all selfish, HE is! You are doing this to be healthier for yourself, your kids (and him, if he didn't suck...) I know that it has to be a difficult decision either way, but I think this proves you need to do what's right for you and your kids. Good luck!!

[Idahospud 102]

@@JakeLancaster , I can't even get him to sit down with me at this point to talk he is so upset. He mentioned to me when I first asked his opinion about the surgery that I "would get all skinny and leave him for someone else" but I reassured him at that time that "I love him and me getting 'skinny' is so we can live a happier and healthier LONGER life together." Apparently he is not seeing that portion.

I love this man very very much, even with all his asshole qualities but I don't know how to make him feel it will be ok even if I am smaller then I am now.

My Fat is what attracted him in the first place and I have known from the beginning that he was a chubby chaser but I guess I Just thought he would fall in love with more then just my fat. I don't even know how to pin down how he feels at this point.

[Rovobay 920]

that really sucks. I am sorry you have to go through this right now when you should be focusing on a bright healthy future. best of luck. I hope you guys can talk it out....

[BitterSweet* 835]

Chubby chasers tend to want to be someone's daddy. They want a co-dependent relationship because the more dependent upon them that you are, the less likely you are to ever leave. He has issues and you can't solve any of them. Not a single one.

The new, skinny you is a direct threat to his security and your dependence on him. This tantrum is his ultimatum to you and if you love yourself more than you love him, you'll do exactly what it is that you've planned, which is surgery.

If you don't follow through with your plan and he gets his way, your marriage will suffer anyway. He doesn't have to agree with your choice but he does have to respect it. If he can't do that then there are way more problems in your relationship than having WLS.

This situation sucks and I'm sorry that you have to focus on this instead of concentrating on having surgery and recovering.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Jeez.

This is a shitty situation.

But if you stay with him, he will control you totally, even more so than he does right now.

And if that happens you will look back on this fork in the road and regret the choice you made for as long as you live.

I have no idea how your life will turn out if you have the surgery. But it seems clear what the trajectory of your life will be if you stay with him, do not have the surgery, remain nearly 400 pounds (or more than likely, get even heavier) and remain trapped at home by him -- where he wants you under his thumb.

I wish you ALL the best in the world. You do NOT deserve the life he's trying to condemn you to.

Edited September 28, 2014 by VSGAnn2014

[Mrs. Reid 392]

Control is not love. You may believe that what you feel for him is love, but is it really addiction? If you give in to his power play then you will regret it for the rest of your time with him....which doesn't sound like you have much left. The guy is looking for a reason to leave you. If it is not this, it will be something else in the future. Once you have lost the weight and are healthier mentally and physically, there will be other men who you may love much more.