my update (long read)

[j_war06 0]

okay, so many of you may be wondering where on earth Ive been, and what Ive been doing? Well it has been a bumpy road to tell you the truth...I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which I am still trying to find a cheap therapist to really evaluate me again because I really really dont think that I am. I moved back to my hometown due to excessive partying, overspending, and lack of school work. I have to pay for my own college now, which is not a result of losing the money this year, we really could not afford another year at a 4-year university. I am going to finish out my Associates at the community college I attended in High School, I only have a year left, then I can take that degree and hopefully get a job that can help me pay for my Bachelors. I havent given up on my education whatsoever. I moved back to my hometown also to get my life straight, and to chill out with the party scene. I only go out on the weekends, which I only include Friday and Saturday night. Im doing really well with my drinking as far as not doing it as often as I used to, Im very happy for that, I was on the road to alcoholism.

Now for the bad...Im very depressed since I moved back, I am trying to get a good job here in hopes of getting back to Corpus Christi ASAP! No real good bites so far but Im trying. Recently I was diagnosed with having multiple, large Ovarian Cysts which I will have checked again in June as well as a cancer test, just to be sure. Im a little scared because I am displaying MANY symptoms of the known cancer symptoms, however that doesnt necessarily mean I have it. I am infertile, but its only temporary, for about 2-3 years, which Im too young to have children right now anyway. Recently, I had the worst weekend in a LONG time, and I just cant help to think it wouldnt have happened had I been in CC. It started Friday night.......

Friday night I called and had my friend (Mando) buy me and my friend some beer...Ive known him for about 7 years! And when he got back he charged me an extra 6 dollars for getting it for me, which is ridiculous because he was already at the beer store buying for other ppl, BUT not to be the Bitch, I just paid it. My friend and I went to use the restroom, came back and EVERY SINGLE BEER was GONE, disappeared from the fridge! My best friend's BF and his friend let me have their beer so I was cool, but I figured out Mando took our beer, which is ridiculous! So we are all boozing, having fun, and all that left at that party are the two guys that live there, their friend, my friend and her man, and Mando and I. Im a little tipsy, and when Im that way I dont get mad at anything or anyone, I love the world, so Mando and I are talking or whatever and he's like lets go to my house and grab another CD, I trust him because Ive known him FOREVER, never would have touched me when I was bigger...he made a pass at me and I shot him down. Then next thing I know he gets me in the car and drives off too fast for me to jump out...he took me to someones house and raped me...I fought back best I could without causing too big a scene....last thing I need is the Mafia after me for ratting him out....I cant really do anything about it....ofcourse you all are going to say I shouldve reported it, but gangs here are scary, hes not in one, BUT they would back him because he is mexican and Im white...I have to live here another year, I dont need my life to be miserable, or worse, ended. Then Saturday night, no body knows what happened Friday, nor will they ever, mind you Im still upset about the previous night, the only reason I went out is because I knew he wouldnt be there, someone starts running their head asking me what did mando and I do the previous night....I got pissed off and just said, "absolutely nothing." Then some other guys made some lude comments about women, which pissed me off....I went to another party with other friends and get a phone call that all my old neighbors (whom I lent a lot of money and other items too, they used me til I had nothing left), stole some decorations and stuff off my door in CC....I got pissed off, got into with all of them, BUT it felt so good to let it all out. My Saturday night was mostly ruined.....THEN Sunday I got a phone call from a lawyer in Corpus and they wanted to hire me onto their firm starting at secretary, then moving up to Paralegal! Had they called 2 weeks ago, I would still be in CC and none of this would have happened.

Also, I called Dr. Spiegel's office this morning, and Ive got to tell you, they have the worse customer service EVER! I havent been in town, and I need a fill BADLY! Im gaining weight. Im going to be in the area on Thursday, but they couldnt do it, so I was like well, I can wait as long as the 20th of May......they couldnt get me in til June 11! Thats too late, thats a 2 hour drive for me and gas is almost $3 a gallon! I cant afford a trip JUST to get a fill, I had other things to do in the area before the 20th, now I have to make 2 freakin trips! They used to would be be able to get me in within a week or week and a half! Im so pissed and upset about the situation!

So there's my life for the past little while, if youve read my previous posts youre probably wondering what about the boys? WELL........I got rid of the bartender, the breakup issue was actually my fault, lol, however it was funny! The stripper and I still talk every now and then, but its strictly that, I had started seeing the bartender's friend (which probably wasnt the best of ideas lol) but had to end it when I left, however he still calls me and checks on me whenever he has time.....AND through the magic of MySpace, a waiter that had flirted with me at a restuarant a little, but I didnt pick up on it, found me and without being creepy told me that he thought I was gorgeous the first time he saw me, and thats why he picked up the table! It wasnt even in his section! AWWWWW! lol He's actually a good guy! I wish I was back in CC, he knows Im not there and he wants me to come back so badly! I want to too. Hes super cute, in the Navy, and so far a gentleman, however they all are at first lol!

So there it is..........sorri so long

[j_war06 0]

anybody? respond??

[musicalmomma 1]

My guess is, people aren't really responding because they don't know WHAT to say to this post.

I waiver between two opinions...

1. You do have a mental disorder that needs treatment PRONTO!

2. You're a compulisive liar and attention seeker.

I surely hope it's the first option, because with the proper meds and good therapy, you can live a life of purpose and satisfaction.

No one who gets raped four days ago is so cavaleir about it, or goes out partying the very next night, or is thinking of who her next love interest could be...unless they are seriously impared emotionally and/or mentally. If you were raped, please get help. Help for dealing with the rape and help for your disorder. You can get past this disorder and live a productive life. I've seen it first hand!

If you weren't raped please don't insult those who have been raped, by crying rape, just so you can get attention. Rape is a horrendous crime of violence and violation. It should not be casually mentioned in passing, to a group of strangers, and shurgged of as "no biggie, on to the next guy".

I've read several of your posts and got a good feel for the patterns you go through...it really does seem BP. But, I am no pshychiatrist or therapist, so I'd really suggest you follow up on that if you want to be well.

[lisah25 3]

I don't really know what to say in response Jodie. What you describe is way beyond anything I've had experience with, so I don't have much advice.

I will say that I think you still need to look at your drinking. For a couple of reasons. One, it's empty calories, and I personally can't drink it when I'm tight enough. So it may well be one reason you are having problems losing.

The more important reason though is that it seems to be impacting your life and your decisions.

I think you need to work on getting a good therapist. This will sound mean, but think about how much you are spending going out, and if that money could go towards getting yourself settled?

[DrewsLou 3]

Ummm. Wow. I don't even know what to say.

[ragdollx19 1]

I looked at other posts, troll.

[Daisalana 33]

I'm with musicalmomma. After reading that I'm just a little shocked. You're very non-chalant about all this crazy stuff in your life? My sister has BP and she actually sounds a lot like what you just said..she has a lot of drama and gets herself into it.. drinking and smoking weed while on her meds (all under the age of 21..), so she blacks out, bad things happen to her, and she shrugs and does it again the next night.. Not to get into it, but I worry that you do have something mentally wrong..?

[babygrl1234 6]

Thank you musicacalmomma for saying exactly what I was thinking.

Also Jodi I am sorry but saying that you can't afford the gas for a two hour drive to get a fill for your health while giving people money to buy you BEER is bullsh*t. If you can afford beer, you can afford a fill. You just don't want it that badly.

[Alexandra 55]

People: Whatever our reactions may be to the initial post, please remember this is a support board and attacking people is NOT permitted. If you have nothing to say that is constructive, say nothing. Or keep it circumspect, at least. This thread will be locked if personal attacks continue.

Jodie, you've gotten some good advice here even so. Please take care of yourself first; everything else comes second.

[musicalmomma 1]

If I was offensive, I apologize.

[DrewsLou 3]

If I was offensive, I apologize.

I don't think you were offensive at all. You very nicely put into words what I was thinking.

Since when did honesty become a BAD thing?

[Alexandra 55]

Honesty is never a bad thing, but I wanted to be sure everyone is observant of our terms of service. I'm not saying that every comment has to be all hearts and butterflies, but constructive criticism doesn't have to be presented in a negative way.

Don't worry--MOST of the comments posted on this thread didn't even come near the line. But I could see where a thread like this might lead and thought a reminder was in order. Carry on...

[j_war06 0]

rape means that if I say no, then thats no! He took me out to a bad neighborhood, threw me against the side of a trailer house, held my wrists down and anally raped me! Is that what you wanted to hear?? There's nothing I can do, I cant tell anyone here in my hometown....how does it look smalltown royalty is raped in Taco Flats?? HUH? How would you like gang members threatening not you, but your loved ones....I have a godson! I screamed no to him, and begged him to stop! He dropped me back off down a street and made me walk to my friends house where my car was, he had thrown my keys on the ground before we left Taco Flats and I didnt notice because I was too effin upset! He refused to go get them, ofcourse....I was stuck at my friends house, his neighbor, with no keys! thank GOD he took me back riding through Taco Flats to find the house we were at and I looked in the yard till I found them! Did you want details, oh there is SOOOOOOOOO much more, I was trying to censor it as much as possible! Im very non-chalant, period....however, it still doesnt seem real, someone that I knew that well, trusted, and was that much smaller than me could do that?

I stopped drinking after that night......I RARELY spend money on booze thank you very much! Its generally free.....what are empty calories? I lost 30lbs on basically a Vodka diet....I dont eat a lot of food, well I didnt in college but now that Im back home with my mother, things are different....Im trying though....Ive had absolutely no appetite since Friday night. I really HATE HATE HATE being called a freakin liar! I have ABSOLUTELY no reason to lie, and If I wanted to freakin attention I would go out in the open with this.....I wanted to post it on here to get it out of me because I cant tell anyone else....I feel like its my fault, like I let it happen, I feel like I led him on and that I deserved it! Thats how I feel! Im out of tears, I rarely cry, maybe once ever couple of months, and its never much at a time......Im very insensitive to things. Im not bipolar, I do not have extreme highs and lows I have highs and extreme highs....Im either happy or pissed off, there is no other option! Sadness is a sign of weakness, and people cant see you as weak, or else they take advantage of you...well hell, they do it anyway.

3 things that really set me off:

1. Taking a stab at my weight

2. Calling me stupid

3. Calling me a liar when I just tried to open up to you

So thank you for contributing to my horrible week. However Im just glad someone read it, and at least someone knows that it did happen. I will not endanger the lives or the health of my loved ones by reporting it, however I do need to see a therapist...its $275.00 a visit......my fill is $100-$150.....I get $400 a month to spend on food, gas, laundry, bills, and so forth.....doesnt go very far......Im trying to get a job with all my might, but Ive always heard that looking for a job is the hardest job there is.

[j_war06 0]

Oh and gas to get to the fill is about $50 dollars, somewhere in that range, so yeah thats already half my money for the entire month!

[Daisalana 33]

Now for the bad...Im very depressed since I moved back, I am trying to get a good job here in hopes of getting back to Corpus Christi ASAP!

I just wanted to point out what you said, being very depressed is an extreme low. And if you acknowledge you have extreme highs, BP is not far fetched. Getting a second opinion would be great, but if the 2nd opinion agrees, you need to follow their advice before you do more destructive behaviors..