How can I convince my husband to consider weight loss surgery?

[steph1281 1]

My husband is the most amazing guy -- funny, kind, thoughtful, smart, adorable -- but he's struggled with his weight all of his life. Literally since the day he was born. I think for him a lot of it is genetic (his mom struggled and lots of his cousins do too) and also that he grew up in a household that revolved around food (his parents came to the U.S. from Italy when he was little and I think turned to food as a way to make up for their loneliness here). He turns to food when he's sad and he's had lots of really tough things happen to him in life, particuarly in the last five years or so.

Although he's lost weight before, he wasn't able to keep it off. He's 43 now and close to 400 lbs. and I'm so scared for his health. He's a tall, solid guy, with the weight really evenly distributed, so he doesn't look like he could weigh that much, but I know it's too much for him and I'm really worried for his health. He already has sleep apnea and high blood pressure. I'm 32 and we've been trying to start a family without any luck and it's been really hard on our relationoship. I don't know if his weight is a factor in that, but I'm afraid it might be.

I've been trying to get him to consider weight loss surgery but he gets so upset any time I mention it. He says he's lost the weight on his own before and that he can do it again. But he's been promising me he'll lose weight for years and I think it's just too much for him to do on his own. I've tried to be supportive (encourage him to come walk the dogs with me, be supportive emotionally, etc.) but it doesn't help and I'm starting to feel resentful and angry. Like shouldn't he do this out of his love for me? Rather than potentially lose 15 years off of his life and leave me alone?

If anyone has any ideas of how I could help convince him or support him in the process I would be so grateful for any suggestions. I feel like his weight is destroying him and I can't stand to watch him suffer like that.

[Recycled 2,182]

Baby steps. Limit you effort at this point to just trying to get him to go to a seminar. Say you are going to find out the facts and talk to others and want him to come with you just to keep you company. Say there is nothing to be self-conscious about, as it will be all obese people seeking options. Also get him to see a Cardiologist. At that weight and with age creeping up on him.... he is extremely vulnerable to a heart attack. (trust me, I know) I would also avoid the "do it for me" angle. A little too much like an ultimatum and doesn't feel like sincere or caring support. That includes the lazy swimmers too. Blame is not a good motivator. Tends to make a person defensive.

Another suggestion is to see if he will read a few topics on here. Everyone here is or was in the same boat and will be very understanding and supportive in answering his questions and offering any advice.

So, let's review.......check into some of the Surgeons in your area for seminars and nudge him to this forum. Hope it helps. Good luck.

[James Marusek 5,244]

See if the two of you can attend a Bariatric Surgery Support Group Meeting. They are free and there should be one in your area.

It would allow him to meet in person, people like himself who have also struggled for years with excess weight and how they are overcoming this problem.

Edited September 21, 2014 by James Marusek

[stanpry 66]

There is little you can do. He has to want to lose and be prepared to follow through for the rest of his life. Bariatric surgery is not a magic solution. You have to want to follow the food regiment that is prescribed for you. Bariatric surgery no matter which one can be defeated. You will have to wait for the day that he says I had enough being overweight and want to do something about it. It took me 2 years to make this decision. Just offer encouragement in the mean time.

[Mike4132 256]

If it helps, maybe you can share or show how many other guys on this forum have either had it done, or are about to get it done.

It helped me see there are others in my age/weight/height range that have done it also. (And also to read how their quality of life has changed.)

It's going to be tough no matter what though. WLS is a scary and very personal decision.

[TatorTot 44]

would he be willing to go to a bariatric class with you at the local hospital, they are pretty much ongoing. He will be more informed and may be easier for him to have peace with things, as to whether or not this is something for him or not.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I agree about doing what you can to get him to attend the intro lecture.

There's absolutely ZERO commitment involved.

And a lot of education.

Not to mention, looking around that room and seeing people who look EXACTLY like you who are seriously considering "the big no-no" ... WLS.

Best wishes to you both.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

trying to get him to consider weight loss surgery he gets upset any time I mention

@@steph1281

@@stanpry said..........

"There is little you can do. He has to want to lose and be prepared to follow through for the rest of his life".

I gained weight as a teenager

my mother "always" was reminding me that i MUST lose weight

i continued to gain and gain and gain some more

i can't blame my mother "totally" for me gaining weight

but she didn't help the situation!!!

you love your hubby, you want him to be healthier

but IMO - the more you push - the more he might "push" away

you have given your good/words advice - gotta stop for now

he has the info and its up to him

good luck

kathy

[Miss Mac 6,262]

I agree with Mike4132. Put a shortcut to bariatricpal.com on your computer's desktop. If you can get him to venture to this website, direct him to The Guy's Room. If you go to the top of this page, click on FORUMS. On the page that pops up, scroll halfway down. The Guy's Room will be in there somewhere. Even if he shows no interest, he might just check it out while you are out walking the dog.....you never know.

It took a stroke and a collapsing spine to convince me I needed to do something extreme about my weight. Loyola University Medical Center did my surgery. At their bariatric clinic, not everyone gets surgery. One of their options is to continue the medically supervised diet with the nutitionist and extend appointments with the bariatric physician and psychologist.

Having a nutritionist in my corner has been a gift to me. She has taught me so many ways to help control my eating and has helped me develop new skills that are saving my life along with the sleeve. A non-surgical approach is clearly an option if he expresses resistance to surgery.

You did not say if you had any kind of weight issues yourself. Maybe the best you can do right now is to manipulate food sources in your house. You could make sure that there is plenty of meat and other dense Proteins in the fridge. If he is a Cheerios kind of guy, offer to make him Breakfast quiche (without the crust). (Go ahead and sneak some spinach into it while you are at it). Get one of those Eat This Not That kind of cookbooks and provide some tasty options that won't do too much damage. Do not eat tempting things in front of him.

One of the qualities that I love about my boyfriend of 8 years is that even though I was overweight when we met and I gained another 50 pounds after a series of surgeries that affected my mobility, he never asked me to change anything thing about myself. He is a smoker, and I have never asked him to change that habit or anything else. We love each other as we are. When I decided on my own to get my sleeve, he was supportive from the start. That is what your guy needs. Love him as he is and tell him you would feel safer if would escort yor on your walks. Maybe even shorten the walk for the time being and let the dog monkey around the yard. Just love your guy and let this situation work itself out.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

I agree with all the above advice. ANY sort of WLS advice is going to be tough for him to hear , but yes a seminar is a great place to start , if you can get him there. The hardest part for me, of your post, was the "starting a family " part. Id rather not go into detail, as im very private person, but i will tell you that alone can put more strain on a marriage than most other problems a couple will face. It literally rocked me to my very foundation, not to mention the stress it will put on a marriage. Stress wise, id give a 10. (And we were both at a healthy weight). The last thing you want is to go in to ANY sort of this family situation in an unhealthy body. Wouldn't wish any of it on my worst enemy. Sooooo, maybe see if your hubby will look at getting a "healthy body for our future family " , and then mybe a Seminar ?

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I was 150% against the surgery. I knew several people who had had it. Some were successful and some were not. I was afraid I would be in the not category. I also had old info (the bypass scared me to death).

I was in relapse in OA, and half-heartedly attending group therapy through insurance that included some wls prospects and patients.

My family brought the idea of surgery up. I dug in my heals and really resented their bringing it up.

I finally did hit bottom. Time had passed. My doctor (I had moved and had a new doctor) suggested I at least talk to a bariatric surgeon. I signed up for a seminar (I did it online). That is when I learned about the sleeve and that it was laproscopic. I became willing to learn more. I took the next step and signed up for the intake (nutitionist, psych eval, etc.)

Long story short, the more I learned the more it made sense. It also helped that I was referred to an outstanding surgeon/program.

Things have changed. I wasn't ready a few years ago but am now eagerly waiting for my surgery date. I am self pay since my insurance doesn't cover it so am going through voc rehab. I have completed all the testing (paying as I go -- insurance has payed for some but not all). I have also renewed my commitment to OA.

That said, you can't make this decision for someone else. But, you can educate yourself and love and support your husband in what works for him. Best of luck to both of you.

[steph1281 1]

Thank you all for your replies so far. I've never been on a forum that offered so much kind, thoughtful support (and so quickly!). This would be a great resource for my husband if I could get him here. I think having a good support network would really help, as we live far from our families and his mom recently passed away and his dad is cognitively impaired from a stroke he sustained a few years agao (see what I mean about tough stuff happening to him recently). He's also had a tough time finding a job since he got finished his teaching certification program awhile back so he's dealing with that and he hasn't gotten to know many people here either (we moved here fours years ago for a job opportuniy for me). I did find a Bariatric Center nearby and I see they do have seminars so maybe that would be a good next step.

[Beni 1,484]

If he is the kind of guy that shots you down before any real conversation gets underway, consider a letter. Write down all your feelings towards him first and why you are worried. Add statistics and anything you think may get through to him. End with how you would love to support him through the process (weight loss or bariatric surgery) towards a healthier him. Also, make sure he has sometime to read it and ponder about it. Not just an hour. Sometimes it's hard to get all your feelings out in a conversation before his reaction makes be reactive causing the whole thing to spiral into an unproductive conversation.

Good luck, raising the issue is the right thing to do.

[PuraVida37 715]

I offer no advice. I just know that I didn't attempt to change until I wanted to. And then there was no stopping me. Good luck. I know you love him and want him around for the next 50-60 years. If he is that heavy, he may not even make it 10 or 20.

PS If he won't go to the bariatric support group, perhaps you could just visit it yourself. Talking about it really does help.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

FYI, I was deadset against the bypass myself. I'd literally never even heard of the gastric sleeve / VSG until the introductory lecture. Once I understood how it differed (significantly from the bypass surgery and lifestyle) I instantly had hope.

I was sleeved 34 days ago. I'm doing great so far. With pre-op diets and post-op recovery, I've lost 33 pounds. Yea, me! Only 52 more to go.

And then a lifetime of maintenance to learn and work.