Sincere question for super sizers

[Hazelbunny 0]

We call you lower BMI because we are comparing you to us. Speaking for myself I do not think that "lower BMI" people have it any easier it is just a difference in perspective and frame of reference and quite truthfully there is a little bit of jealousy. Hindsight is 20/20 but I wish that I had jumped on it and taken care of my weight when I "only" weighed 250.

This is how I explained it to a friend of mine and I think in a previous thread. I have been in your shoes but you have never been in mine (and hopefully won't!). I have been 250 lbs. and felt uncomfortable walking into a roomful of strangers, on an airplane, shopping for clothes, etc. But at 385 those experiences went from uncomfortable and midly embarassing to absolutely humiliating.

I know I may be rambling - it is late. One of my children was born at 24 weeks and spent 3 1/2 months in the hospital, coded several times and her very life hung in the balance for quite a long time. A very good friend of mine had a son that was a sluggish feeder and wasn't keeping his temperature up very well so he had to spend 4 days in the NICU. She was terrified for her son and rightly so. I am not trying to take anything from her experience because mine was so much more harrowing. It was terrifying for her because that was her only frame of reference. I understood the fear that she felt because I had been there but she really couldn't understand what we had been through - not completely.

So to you 250 pounds is really fat and the same as a "higher BMI" bandster but from my point of view you are only spending 4 days in the NICU and I will be there 3 1/2 months. We can support each other but our journey is a lot different.

[JCSeymour3 0]

I think we all have different pains. I am a 36 year old male who is 6 feet tall and now suddenly within the past 6 months 325 pounds - BMI 42? Prior to the previous 6 months I seemed to have been on a 10 year plateau of 270-290 pounds. I have never needed to buy 2 plane seats, not get into a booth, or be unable to be in a movie theater seat - although I can be quite uncomfortable in all of these. I do remember one time that I tried to get on a ride at an amusement park, where I just barely fit and the attendants had to come over to comfrim that I could fit - horribly embarrassing! So, I imagine the pain of having been like this all my life, with as mean as kids can be, must be horrible and painful to even remember now.

For me I have a different pain. I didn't gain this weight until after high school. As a senior in high school I played football, dated (and later married) the high school cheerleader/home-coming queen, weighed 170 pounds at 6 feet tall, and was used to a fair amount of female attention in most social environments - wow that was a long time ago! Some of my friends back then might have even told you I was conceited.

So now after having steadily increased my weight from 170 - 200 - 270 - 300 - 325 ( I used those numbers becasue over nearly 20 years - I barely paid attention to my weight except for here and there - actually believing at 270 I could eat anything I wanted and not gain weight for the longest time - I since been proven wrong) I have a different sort of pain. I actually did this 100% to myself! I didn't have an unfair start as many lifers had starting as an overweight child, I did this as an adult with my head in the sand.

I am very fortunate to still be married to my high school sweetheart and going strong with her (she is the "I weigh 135 pounds and I feel so fat" types), but being the fat/invisible guy is painful to me. I'm sure that people look at the two of us and wonder how did he get her? and no the answer is not that I have a ton of money. HAHA.

So whose pain is stronger? who knows? how can use quantify an emotion/pain? I don't think you can. As a child and family psychotherapist myself, I always dismissed the possibility that "I" ate emotionally. I have only in the past week learned how wrong I was. food and overeating is at the center of most of my enjoyment - when I watch TV (I snack), when I travel to familar destinations (I plan our family trip around hitting certain restaurants), I eat late at night, and now I know how much I don't try to eat healthy when I am stressed.

Sorry, as much of this was rambling and a lot about me, but it was very cathartic. This website has been very eye-opening for my both in understanding other's struggles as well as my own.

Finally, I like what someone earlier in this thread said in their analogy to prison sentences - we're all in pain in our own little prison's and it sucks, but when I think about it (as a mid-BMIer at 42 - I am somewhere in the middle) I would like to only have a 6-month sentence instead of a life sentence, but I can only do my own time and it still hurts.

Thanks for indulging me in my "book" of a response. It was helpful for me to process.

[DebLPN 0]

Do you feel like the fat girl/guy walking in a room?

~I"me usually the fattest person in most rooms i enter. Hence the overcompensation by being the wittiest, funniest one, teh life of the party. *gag*

Do you feel like people stare at you because you are a fattie?

~YES. Years ago, I was walking down teh street with friends and a car full of teenaged boys drove by adn one of them stuck his head out of the window and yelled " MOOOOOOOOO" I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

Do you not fit in an airplane seat either?

~I fit in it but it AIN'T comfy! I DO ask for a seatbelt extension.

Do people turn their noses up at you too?

~I've gotten my share of disgusted stares from strangers.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

Wasa

I'm really not looking for a fight, and I KNOW your heart is in the right place, but I find this ODD.

It is as if you are taking on the fight of the SMO, because you want to be super sympathtic. Truely as a SMO person at one time, I'd prefer you leave that seat empty so I could spill over into it.

SMO want to be treated normal, not as "special" and not ignored.

You get props for having an "aha" moment, realizing there is a difference in how the world treats the SMO, and I'll give you props for reclaiming the language and using the word "fatties"...but I get the impression that you want to be a one woman team to avenge the wrongs society has done agains SMOs.

Bless your heart. But the cautionary side of that is gaining the trust of a SMO, and going down the "I've not been there, but I feel your pain" road with a stranger on the plane might not be recieved like you expect it should.

I expect I'm not communicating this clearly, but I'm giving it a shot.

I don't mean that I would play holier than thou, I see no reason to even mention my own weight issue. I simply mean I wouldn't treat them badly. That's all. I'm not looking for their trust and I'm not looking to lecture.

[luvmyiggy 0]

I am at 465 and I don’t necessarily think your road is easier, but I don’t believe that you could possibly understand what I go through.

How do you think I feel when someone who is 250 talks over and over about how huge they are? It feels like crap because if you think you are huge, I can’t imagine what you think of me. I see and hear people all of the time talk about how awful being in a size 28 is. I am a 38 and the only place I can find clothes is online and the clothes are ugly.

I don’t have trouble fitting in airline seats or waiting room seat because I don’t fit in them at all. I have had bruises on my hip a large number of times from trying to force my way into a seat. I don’t know how many times I have had to stand because I could not fit in any of the seats. Talk about gaining some attention and stares.

Also, lower BMI folks often look at me and go “Thank God I am not that fat”. I often say that I am so fat that even fat people make fun of me…and it is true.

And, how many people do you know that weight around 250? I can’t even count how many I know. I only know one person who is larger than I am, or that weighs what I weigh. That means I only have one person who knows what it is like that can give me support.

I am always the fattest person in the room. Even at my bariatric Dr.’s office.

I am terrified that I am going to die any day now…and I am only 28. I am humiliated to think of how big my casket would have to be and how many people it would take to carry me.

I can’t fit in MRI or CT machines. I am too heavy to have a stress test done because none of equipment can hold me. There have been many tests that Dr’s have wanted to run, but they can’t because I am so heavy.

Most scales can’t even weigh me. I would have to order one online and they are prohibitively expensive. The look on the nurse’s face when I tell her the scale won’t weigh me makes me want to crawl in a hole and cry. The only Dr.’s office that I go to that has a scale to weigh me is my Bariatric Surgeon’s.

I have been in a wreck and would not let the ambulance take me to the hospital because I didn’t want to have to see them trying to figure out how to get me in the ambulance. I just waited and let my husband take me.

When I fall I break bones because of my weight. I don’t just get bruises. And no, I don’t have any bone abnormalities.

People sneer and make comments on what I have in my basket at the grocery store. The people at restaurants look at me like I shouldn’t be there because the last thing I need to do is eat. I don’t fit in booths. The waiters automatically know that by looking at me. They don’t even ask if I want a booth or a table.

I have to special order my bras because there is not a place to get them as large as I need.

I work with children and I am always worried about a child throwing up on me because I can’t just run to Target and get a new shirt. I have to go all of the way home.

I worry about a house fire and other disasters because if my clothes are destroyed I would be without clothes until I could get some ordered online. It sounds dumb to worry about this if you have never been in my shoes, but when you are as big as I am you have to think about these things. Think of how different your life would be if you knew you could not possibly run to the mall or run to a specialty shop and find underwear and clothes. And you sure wouldn’t pay $25 or $30 for a shirt, it would be more like $50 or $60 and God forbid you need something dressy.

It even effects getting a job. Not just because of people looking at me badly but I also have a very hard time finding clothes that fit into the business dress code.

I don’t know how many toilet seat I have broken because of my weight. It is really humiliating when I am over at someone’s house because I becomes obvious who did it.

I am sure I could ramble on, but hopefully this list gives you a better picture.

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[WASaBubbleButt 41]

I am at 465 and I don’t necessarily think your road is easier, but I don’t believe that you could possibly understand what I go through.

How do you think I feel when someone who is 250 talks over and over about how huge they are? It feels like crap because if you think you are huge, I can’t imagine what you think of me. I see and hear people all of the time talk about how awful being in a size 28 is. I am a 38 and the only place I can find clothes is online and the clothes are ugly.

I don’t have trouble fitting in airline seats or waiting room seat because I don’t fit in them at all. I have had bruises on my hip a large number of times from trying to force my way into a seat. I don’t know how many times I have had to stand because I could not fit in any of the seats. Talk about gaining some attention and stares.

Also, lower BMI folks often look at me and go “Thank God I am not that fat”. I often say that I am so fat that even fat people make fun of me…and it is true.

And, how many people do you know that weight around 250? I can’t even count how many I know. I only know one person who is larger than I am, or that weighs what I weigh. That means I only have one person who knows what it is like that can give me support.

I am always the fattest person in the room. Even at my bariatric Dr.’s office.

I am terrified that I am going to die any day now…and I am only 28. I am humiliated to think of how big my casket would have to be and how many people it would take to carry me.

I can’t fit in MRI or CT machines. I am too heavy to have a stress test done because none of equipment can hold me. There have been many tests that Dr’s have wanted to run, but they can’t because I am so heavy.

Most scales can’t even weigh me. I would have to order one online and they are prohibitively expensive. The look on the nurse’s face when I tell her the scale won’t weigh me makes me want to crawl in a hole and cry. The only Dr.’s office that I go to that has a scale to weigh me is my Bariatric Surgeon’s.

I have been in a wreck and would not let the ambulance take me to the hospital because I didn’t want to have to see them trying to figure out how to get me in the ambulance. I just waited and let my husband take me.

When I fall I break bones because of my weight. I don’t just get bruises. And no, I don’t have any bone abnormalities.

People sneer and make comments on what I have in my basket at the grocery store. The people at restaurants look at me like I shouldn’t be there because the last thing I need to do is eat. I don’t fit in booths. The waiters automatically know that by looking at me. They don’t even ask if I want a booth or a table.

I have to special order my bras because there is not a place to get them as large as I need.

I work with children and I am always worried about a child throwing up on me because I can’t just run to Target and get a new shirt. I have to go all of the way home.

I worry about a house fire and other disasters because if my clothes are destroyed I would be without clothes until I could get some ordered online. It sounds dumb to worry about this if you have never been in my shoes, but when you are as big as I am you have to think about these things. Think of how different your life would be if you knew you could not possibly run to the mall or run to a specialty shop and find underwear and clothes. And you sure wouldn’t pay $25 or $30 for a shirt, it would be more like $50 or $60 and God forbid you need something dressy.

It even effects getting a job. Not just because of people looking at me badly but I also have a very hard time finding clothes that fit into the business dress code.

I don’t know how many toilet seat I have broken because of my weight. It is really humiliating when I am over at someone’s house because I becomes obvious who did it.

I am sure I could ramble on, but hopefully this list gives you a better picture.

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I can empathize with what you are saying but there is one point I have to disagree.

When I see someone with a high BMI I don't think of them the way you think I do. When I weighed 250 I didn't see a higher BMI and think, "Wow! That person is *really* fat!" I didn't think any such thing and I still don't. It is actually a humbling experience. I realize that others have it worse because sometimes it doesn't seem like that at all.

When I was 252 and now that I am 172 I do think of myself as a heifer. It's my problem, it is my issue. I think a greater majority of us have the self loathing feelings and looking in a mirror simply grosses us out.

Just because you are bigger than me doesn't change how I feel about myself. When I feel like a fat cow it isn't a comparison to bigger people or smaller people, it is an issue I have where I really *do* feel like a fat cow. Your being bigger or knowing others are bigger than me doesn't take away from my personal issue of how I feel about myself. It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't give me a better opinion of myself.

I understand how you feel about 40 BMI'ers saying they feel fugly but I think you need to keep in mind that it isn't a comparison issue. It's a very personal issue that we all need to overcome.

Thank you for the post, you did give me a great deal to think about and consider.