Sincere question for super sizers

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

Question...

I was previously 252lbs. I have noticed that super sized bandsters refer to us as lower BMI folks. While that does wonders for my ego, I also realize that means you merely have farther to go than we do. We don't typically consider ourselves lower BMI, we consider ourselves higher BMI, regardless of comparisons.

So my question... do you take us seriously? Do we have the same/similar issues to you? What can you teach me about higher BMI folks? What differences are there? Please understand, I am a nurse. I am ALWAYS looking for ways to relate to my patients and I suddenly realize, I may not relate to my fellow fatties the way I thought I did. So, I need an education.

Do you feel like the fat girl/guy walking in a room?

Do you feel like people stare at you because you are a fattie?

Do you not fit in an airplane seat either?

Do people turn their noses up at you too?

I guess I need an education in HOW it is different. Yes, different on a scale... I get that. But I really, sincerely, want to understand HOW it is different for you vs. me. I think some issues are similar, I assume some are not. I want to understand so please teach me.

I swear with all my heart, this is a sincere question. I value my skills in being able to step into the shoes of another, feel what they feel, I am a fantastic nurse because I can do this. Anyone with clinical knowledge can do that clinical stuff, I want to be good on a human level. Maybe I'm missing something this time and I want to know and fully understand what I am missing. If I am missing something, I need to learn.

I answer lots of questions on these boards but I ask just as many questions as I answer because I want to understand.

What can you teach me that will benefit me and my patients?

[lizrbit 0]

well theres different levels.

Regardless of where you perceive yourself, there are technical qualifications on the scale as to what a "super" obese vs a "morbid" obese level, and its simply a weight to height ratio.

For me it was a suprise to find out id joined a club i didnt want to belong to in the first place.

I havent ever had a problem asking for a seat extention while sitting in an airline seat, and only scraped the surface of facing purchasing two tickets to fly when i got banded. I can tell you THAT part was embarrassing and id wish it on no one i know.

My father died at est 575 in 2005. His life was very difficult in the last bit and his decisions became desperate. Ive also known a woman who was around 400 who was active and led a very social and event filled life (to the point where i really envied her) I think it does vary a great deal from individual to individual.

[Alexandra 55]

I'm not sure where you're putting yourself on the scale, because the questions on your list seem like those that higher BMI folks would direct toward lower BMI folks. So I'm a little confused.

But that said, all that matters is that we ALL realize and recognize that the battle against excess weight is a personal one. I've been morbidly obese for at least 20 years, but it wasn't until I had children that I realized I was not only compromising my health (which seemed OK, on balance, to me) but their safety. I'm sure that for all of those 20 years many other people no doubt snickered at me and thought less of me, but those were not people I bothered with. I remember one particular guy I worked with who came out and said something like "you're a big girl, aren't ya?" directly to my face with other people watching, and I just wrote him off immediately. He was beneath my notice and worthy only of contempt.

As long as all I had to deal with was myself, I could pretend my obesity was only an inconvenience. At that time, the best way any medical person could treat me was to show respect and ignore the weight issue until I brought it up. My ob/gyn was brilliant in that regard. Though I showed up at my first prenatal appointment weighing 320 lbs she never once lectured me or talked down. I was high risk, sure, but that was handled in a businesslike manner that allowed me my dignity. No assumptions were made.

Only when losing weight became my goal did my weight become a primary topic of conversation. And that was at MY instigation. I love my medical providers because they treat me as a person first, a fat patient second.

Anyway, my point is that none of these thoughts/feelings have anything to do with whether my BMI was 32 or 48. My focus changed from one point in my life to another, and I think that's much more important than any conclusions one can draw from a BMI.

My advice to medical providers: Let your patient lead the discussion, don't make any assumptions, and you can never go wrong.

[Autumn444 0]

Well, I think this deserves an answer of what one who is super obese goes through. I was 354lbs prior to surgery. I am also 5'5. This puts me at the super obese ratio. Never did I feel I was that big. However, When I was having my continual back problems to where I could not even turn properly to take care of my hygene without assistence with a an extra long handled lofa, or had to use towlettes around the extra roll around my tummy and groin, I had enough! I never had to get a seat extension, or any of that. But I did and still do get stares because I have a limp from have 10 hip surgeries. With the added weight, this causes my limp to be more pronounced. And I always hear people go, that pour girl... look, if only she would lose weight, she wouldnt walk that way....

There are indeed extra propblems that come with the bigger package.

I am happy I got the band! I have loss a total of 43lbs since March 29, 2007... And I feel great! I still have over 160lbs to go!

[Guest ladijane3]

There's definitely a difference, but not in the way you seem to be looking at it. So many of us in the super morbidly obese category feel as if we've gone so far now, there's never any way back. When I finally realized how bad I was, even though I never felt that way, its beyond disheartening. Some of us look at you "lower BMI" and wish we weighed that much, and if we did we'd be happy about it. I don't think there's a bitterness looking "down" as you seem to be putting it. You suffer from the same prejudices we do, and we did when we were at that weight. Of course I'm speaking for myself, I shouldn't say "we".

Certainly there are times I see someone in the lower 200lbs who have just gotten a lap band and I wonder how on earth they qualified for surgery. But as tempting as it may be to go with the flow and say "well if its only 60lbs you need to lose you coulda done that without surgery", I know that 60lbs still seems impossible to me. The 40lbs I've lost in the last 11 months seems beyond what I thought I could do.

Honestly though I know its actually harder to be losing at that lower BMI. We will eventually hit the same stage (at least I hope I do) and fight fight fight past the "obese" and into "overweight" and then god willing "normal" bmi ranges.

There shouldn't be a division there, but there is. I'd like to not log in and see labels attached to different BMI types..but the reality is most of us feel better surrounded by others going through the same thing. And alot of folks don't think losing 60lbs is the same as losing 160lbs.

[Wheetsin 714]

I had 200 lbs to lose when I got banded. I've not always been obese, so I've also been at the point where I had maybe 50 or 60 lbs to lose. I can tell you hands-down, undoubtedly, they are NOT the same "journey" (or whatever the right phrase is).

Even now that I'm "one of those" with "only 60 lbs" to lose, if I got banded today, it would not be the same event that it was 140 lbs ago.

And I'm not talking about easier or harder. That's all in the eye of the beholder.

I'm talking about things like psychological impact and growth, physical changes, coping with life before and after the weightloss, etc.

Some of the issues we've talked about are - straight up - not issues that someone "with just 60 lbs" or even 100 lbs to lose will ever have to deal with, at least not because of their weight. I know - I've been both theres.

There shouldn't be a division there, but there is. I'd like to not log in and see labels attached to different BMI types..

Then how do you feel about the state/regional sections of the board? Or having threads designated for "newbies"? It really is no different. In fact, there are probably fewer things that a 400+ bandster will have in common with a 180+ bandster will have in common, than a bandster in California and one in Arizona.

[musicalmomma 1]

There's definitely a difference, but not in the way you seem to be looking at it. So many of us in the super morbidly obese category feel as if we've gone so far now, there's never any way back. When I finally realized how bad I was, even though I never felt that way, its beyond disheartening. Some of us look at you "lower BMI" and wish we weighed that much, and if we did we'd be happy about it. I don't think there's a bitterness looking "down" as you seem to be putting it. You suffer from the same prejudices we do, and we did when we were at that weight. Of course I'm speaking for myself, I shouldn't say "we".

Certainly there are times I see someone in the lower 200lbs who have just gotten a lap band and I wonder how on earth they qualified for surgery. But as tempting as it may be to go with the flow and say "well if its only 60lbs you need to lose you coulda done that without surgery", I know that 60lbs still seems impossible to me. The 40lbs I've lost in the last 11 months seems beyond what I thought I could do.

Honestly though I know its actually harder to be losing at that lower BMI. We will eventually hit the same stage (at least I hope I do) and fight fight fight past the "obese" and into "overweight" and then god willing "normal" bmi ranges.

There shouldn't be a division there, but there is. I'd like to not log in and see labels attached to different BMI types..but the reality is most of us feel better surrounded by others going through the same thing. And alot of folks don't think losing 60lbs is the same as losing 160lbs.

My DH could have written this!! He looks at me and thinks I'm just a little over weight!! He's 438, so I'm sure I do look good to him.

We both struggle with seeing people with 30-35bmi's getting surgery...but we don't know their stories and we try not to judge. We just moved to the town we live in now about 18 months ago and I recently made a friend here that is MAYBE 20lbs overweight and she goes ON and ON and ON EVERY time I see her about how fat she is and how she's still in "fat lady" clothes after her FIFTH baby in SIX years was born 5 months ago. This drives me NUTS!!!! I finally looked her in the eye and said to her...."this fat lady doesn't want to hear it, go tell you're skinny sister!" We both had a laugh at that and she realized how insensitive she sounded. I mean, if I could look like her, I'd be doing cartwheels!!!

Anyway, from my husband's point of view, I think he feels more 'hopeless' to change than I do. His 250 pounds to lose vs. my 100 pounds to lose makes it difficult for him to relate to my anguish...but I truly agonize for him and I'm glad we're doing this together.

[Daisalana 33]

I'm confused about the questions asked too, because it seems like it would be higher BMI asking lower BMI those questions.. if a lower BMI has that, certainly a higher BMI does, right?

I'm not sure what category I fall in..

But When I see some people's starting weight is my GOAL.. I do go 'damn it' in envy. But I also know it has to do with my height, and someone who is 5'0 180lbs probably is struggling. I have been overweight my entire life, so I've never known what it was like to 'just be xxx overweight'.. It's always been an obese number (that I can remember of course). But I know it's hell and a half for me to lose any weight, much less saying that its 'only 60lbs' to lose. For someone with a smaller BMI, I still sympathize because if I 'only had 60lbs' to lose, I would still be in the same boat and needing help. Just like I could be 500lbs..I'm not.. but it may as well be ANY number for the work that has to go into it. Not sure if I wrote this right to explain my thought on it.. oh well.

[demsvmejm 5]

I've been overweight since I was 9. Yes, I've been the heaviest person in the room on many occasions. I have always been the wall flower because I didn't want to bring attention to myself and my weight. I've on many occasions felt inferior because of being fat. I'm sure people here wonder why I had this procedure because I don't have 100 lbs to lose. but that's not the issue really. It's my health and self esteem and being around for my kids and husband for a long time.

A high or low bmi shouldn't matter, we all have the same struggles with food and overeating. I'm glad this forum is here to open my eyes to others struggles and victories. We're all in it together.

[apralfool 0]

I have to agree with Wheetsin....I don't see it as being the same journey. I look at people who only needed to lose 50-60lbs and think--they could have exercised that weight off. Yes, I know that is wrong of me to think that and very judgemental, but my weight loss journey actually did begin at 500lbs--476 to be exact, so to me 60lbs is a drop in the bucket, so I truly unable to relate someone with a BMI in the 30s--my BMI is currently 68 and it is down from 73. I empathize, but I definitely feel that it is a different journey.

[edieparks 2]

I always have felt I knew the difference.

Just to name a few.....

I knew I could walk anywhere I wanted too . "They" cant.

There was usually a chair I could sit in. "They" don't go sometimes because there will not be a chair that will hold them.

I usually could sit in a booth, maybe not comfortably but I could. "They" can't do a booth.

My heart always hurts a little bit when I would see a super size person. I knew I was that person inside but just hadn't got there yet. I knew they were brave to get out even if if was on a scooter. I knew they probably got gawked and laughed at when they were at a grocery store. They probably even get comments made loud enough for them to hear. I never heard them because I would have marched my 276lb over to them and gave the offenders a piece of my 276lb mind.

I'm the one who will help them reach for something they couldn't reach while I was in the same isle for them.

I know food addiction is an ADDICTION. I will always be a foodaholic but my band gets me full. I think I am on a clear path now.

My gym buddy who has lost about 25 lbs and I am proud for her even though she is still at 250 says I am one of them (skinnys) now not one of us (big women). I may look normal size to the world now but I say I am only a band away from being obese again.

edie

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

There's definitely a difference, but not in the way you seem to be looking at it. So many of us in the super morbidly obese category feel as if we've gone so far now, there's never any way back. When I finally realized how bad I was, even though I never felt that way, its beyond disheartening. Some of us look at you "lower BMI" and wish we weighed that much, and if we did we'd be happy about it. I don't think there's a bitterness looking "down" as you seem to be putting it. You suffer from the same prejudices we do, and we did when we were at that weight. Of course I'm speaking for myself, I shouldn't say "we".

Certainly there are times I see someone in the lower 200lbs who have just gotten a lap band and I wonder how on earth they qualified for surgery. But as tempting as it may be to go with the flow and say "well if its only 60lbs you need to lose you coulda done that without surgery", I know that 60lbs still seems impossible to me. The 40lbs I've lost in the last 11 months seems beyond what I thought I could do.

Honestly though I know its actually harder to be losing at that lower BMI. We will eventually hit the same stage (at least I hope I do) and fight fight fight past the "obese" and into "overweight" and then god willing "normal" bmi ranges.

There shouldn't be a division there, but there is. I'd like to not log in and see labels attached to different BMI types..but the reality is most of us feel better surrounded by others going through the same thing. And alot of folks don't think losing 60lbs is the same as losing 160lbs.

Thank you. Sincerely, thank you. This is what I was looking for. It's a perspective and this is what I am looking for. This is what I need for a variety of reasons. The specific reasons don't really matter but you have offered me what I need.

I just tried to explain my thinking and I deleted it. It does not explain my thinking. I think I need to continue reading responses until I resolve my issues with my thinking.

[OH Juli 15]

I just caught this thread....I tell you WasA..it creeps me out just a tad.

It's like asking a black person what's it like to black in a room full of white people. (I'm half of an interracial couple...so I go there.)

Asking a super obese person how they feel about skinny or skinnier people depends on the two individuals. There are no hard and fast rules and generalizing will only harm you.

I have

[OH Juli 15]

I have to continue because I posted before I was done....LOL

I have friends who battle the same 5 pounds who try to relate to me and somehow they do.

I know other people who say they were 25 pounds over weight once in their lifetime so they have walked in my shoes. They don't get it.

So depending on how you the skinnier person tries to talk to the fattie you will connect or not.

I guess ultimately take each soul for what they are and make their visits about them and not you.

Sorry if preachy...but I had to add my $0.02

[JulieNYC 4]

I was 5'2 and 358. BMI of 68 when I got banded. To me, the difference in 250 and 350 was both physical and emotional. Emotionally, there are a LOT of people who are 250. A lot. So you're not alone in your fatness. At 350, there was very rarely someone in the room my size or larger. Almost never. Emotionally, that's hard to accept. Emotionally, I disconnected from life because I didn't fit in life anymore. I didn't fit in a booth or a movie theater or an airplane. I remember the day when I didn't have to turn sideways to walk in my bathroom anymore without my hips touching both sides of the doorframe.

(For those who need a little pick-me-up at this point, I ran 5 miles straight yesterday).

Physically, I would want a nurse to know that hygene is an issue for the super obese. I didn't rent the apartment I really wanted in NYC because the toilet was too close to the sink for me to be able to have good hygene. I couldn't sleep flat on my back -- too much weight on my chest. I couldn't tie my shoes without putting my leg up on something.

As for my feelings about smaller bandsters, I never had any negative feelings. I don't think confronting 200+ lbs to lose is the same journey as someone with 100- to lose. But the need for the journey is the same. I actually think they should lower the BMI requirements. I think many more people struggle with food issues than have to and would benefit from the band. There's a limit somewhere, of course, but it's lower than 40 for me.

Anyway, I don't know what else you're looking for, but I'm glad to help if I can.